


The Bridge Of Stars

by penpea



Category: Super Dangan Ronpa 2
Genre: 1920s, Alternate Universe - Taisho Era, First Love, M/M, Mutual Pining, No Talent AU, Slow Romance, Student Protests, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-02-08 17:33:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 164,664
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1950015
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/penpea/pseuds/penpea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s funny how much things have changed over the years but I hope those feelings of yours are still the same Hinata-kun. I wish I could cheer you on from here but the way things are now, the only thing I can say is: best of luck.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue- April 1925

_1st April, 1925_  
_14 th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata clutched the letter in his hand; the paper was crumpled and worn, read over and over until there were marks all over it to show how many times he had held it between his fingers. He had memorized the words by now, each and every syllable written by the boy’s hands was etched in his heart, and he felt a deep sadness every time he ran the words in his head. It hurt, but he still thought of them as he sat in the train, looking at the early summer sky and the sparse greenery that dotted the fields he could see through the shuttered window.

Every shudder and jerk of the train, the whistle of the vehicle speeding through the wind, drew him back further and further into the past- a past he didn’t want to know, a past he had long since closed off in a small metal box in his heart that he hoped never to open again.

But when he cast a glance at the letter in his hand, the wordings slightly smudged as if by tears that were not his, he felt the metal box give away slowly, felt the way it groaned open slightly rusty and smelling of everything old, everything forgotten.

 _Dear Hinata-kun,_ the words rang in Hinata’s mind before he could stop them.

_I received a letter from the school as I’m sure you have too, and it was truly a happy thought to know that Kibougamine wants us back so that we can complete our studies. I’m sure you’re excited about it- please do attend Hinata-kun, it’s what you’ve always wanted isn’t it?_

_I’m sorry to say that I can’t be there with you, though, because that’s what I decided when I left. There is no place for me there and of course, my mother needs me. It’s such a sad thing to live alone at this age when there are so many joys that you can only enjoy once you grow old. The nostalgia and the happiness of seeing your children growing up, and smiling at how the smell of tea is the same as it always was. They’re all little joys but mother doesn’t even have those._

_I’m sorry I won’t be able to attend. It will be lonely to go to school when so much has changed but I know you’re stronger than that. I hope you will attend in my place so that the 77 th batch can finally graduate from school and become upright citizens of Tokyo- isn’t that right?_

_It’s funny how much things have changed over the years but I hope those feelings of yours are still the same Hinata-kun. I wish I could cheer you on from here but the way things are now, the only thing I can say is: best of luck._

_Maybe someday we can meet again and then you can tell me how well things have worked out for you. I will be happy to learn all about your new friends and colleagues and maybe even your lover!_

_It’s a little late to be saying this but forgive me for leaving without telling you. I never meant to hurt you but I know you must have understood why it was necessary._

_Take care of yourself, Hinata-kun._

_Komaeda Nagito._

Every time Hinata thought of the words, written with such a lighthearted tone, he couldn’t shake off the feeling that it was the last time he would ever get to talk to the boy. There was something about the way he talked so fondly about the past that made him think that he had no intention of ever meeting again.

Hinata could tell Komaeda had put the past behind him, he knew he was a strong person- much stronger than him- but he couldn’t shake off the feeling that this wasn’t all there was to it. For Hinata, the boy had been so much to him and all of that had been ripped away from between his fingers before he had even gotten the chance to call him his own.

And as much as Hinata wanted to grow out of it and move on, it wasn’t that easy. How could it be easy to still the rough waters that had been all Hinata had known for so, so long? Hinata knew enough to realize that when you lived in a storm, every tremor would shake you just as bad. And when, after all this time, there was a promise to start life anew, it seemed all too fabricated. He couldn’t steel himself for this change and he doubted he ever could until he received what he had wanted for so long.

Closure.

A closure of what kind, he didn’t know, but it was enough to know that the person he sought it from was the person who had plunged him into the very depths of the pain and longing and the aching _loneliness_ that still kept him awake at night and made dreams the only refuge he had from it all.

When Hinata thought about it, he knew that Komaeda Nagito had been the start of everything that changed him. And, Hinata hoped with an almost childlike desire, that he would be the end to it all as well.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the new project i've been working out for quite a while now and i hope you guys will be interested in it! updates might be slow for a while but thanks for reading :>


	2. Beginnings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Truly, this is where  
> Travelers who go or come  
> Over parting ways-- 
> 
> Friends or strangers--all must meet:  
> The gate of "Meeting Hill."
> 
>  -Semimaru

_Tokyo_  
 _April 1, 1922_  
 _11 th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata would have thought the boy was following him if he hadn’t glanced back to see him wearing the same uniform as him, a black high collared top with a peaked cap that partly covered his white hair. Hinata ignored him and continued to walk through the maze of streets, hoping he was going the right way.

The peddlers with their wooden carts full of cheap items for sale and the women scurrying past them in their well fitting kimonos seemed to judge the two boys as they walked from street to street, entering dinghy alleys clustered with small houses.

“Um,” the boy called out, “You’re going the wrong way.”

Hinata would have ignored him but he knew the boy was probably right since it was his first time walking through the city and if anything, he didn’t want to be late for school.

“Is that why you’ve been walking behind me all this time?” Hinata asked, more out of curiosity than anything else, “Was it to stop me?”

The boy shook his head, his slightly curly hair bouncing as he did, “No you were going the right way until you took that last turn. It’s to the _right_ actually.”

Hinata nodded in acknowledgement and turned as the boy had instructed. They didn’t talk further and Hinata walked a few steps ahead of the boy, listening to his footsteps shuffle lightly behind him. He didn’t seem to be in any hurry and he whistled as if to emphasize that.

“That’s getting annoying,” Hinata said after a while, turning swiftly to the right simply because he heard the sounds of a crowd up ahead. Maybe the school was close.

“Oh!” the boy stopped whistling and laughed, “I didn’t realize I was bothering you.”

“It’s making me nervous.” Hinata muttered.

“It’s going to be your first day at Kibougamine?” the boy asked.

Hinata nodded.

“Mine too!” he exclaimed, and Hinata heard him clap his hands in glee, “I hope we’re classmates. What batch are you in?”

“The 77th” Hinata answered, warming up to the weird boy who kept walking a few steps behind him. Hinata turned his head to look at him, “What’s your name?”

“Komaeda Nagito. It’s nice to- ah take a right turn from here and we’ll be there- it’s nice to meet you!” he spoke excitedly and Hinata smiled.

“I’m Hinata Hajime,” he stared ahead and saw a bridge as they walked out of the alley.

He stopped in his tracks. “Eh? What’s up with the bridge? It’s closed.”

Komaeda peered ahead and frowned as he noticed the white banner tied with ropes on the front of the bridge. _Student Radicals_ , it read, _Do Not Interrupt Our Cause_.

“What the hell?” Hinata mumbled, feeling his stomach drop at the sight, “Weren’t we supposed to get to school from there?”

Komaeda shrugged and trudged towards the bridge, staring at the banner in deep thought. Hinata walked up to him and wondered what was going on and thought of how he’d get to school. He could feel his nervousness creep up on him and he gulped, silently hoping he wouldn’t be late for school- anything but that.

“We could always cross through here,” Komaeda suggested, “Come on, Hinata-kun.”

“Eh? What-” he watched as Komaeda tried to pry loose some of the ropes and crawled through, barely managing to avoid tripping on them, “Oi oi what’re you doing?”

Komaeda looked back and smiled carelessly, his white teeth shining, “We don’t want to be late for school, right?”

The boy didn’t bother to look back and skipped through the bridge, waving the bag he was holding without a care.

 _Right_ , Hinata thought, _let’s go along with this for now._

It was harder than it looked, having to maneuver through the closely tied ropes but eventually Hinata managed. Komaeda had stopped midway through the wooden bridge and he grinned when Hinata joined him, winded and tired. His legs hurt but he shrugged it off and joined Komaeda, heading towards the building he could see straight ahead.

Komaeda must have spotted Hinata staring at the school building because he asked, “It’s beautiful isn’t it?”

Hinata couldn’t help but nod a little too enthusiastically.

The school of his dreams, the place he had aspired to study in for so long, was finally in front of him and he couldn’t believe his eyes. He had only heard stories about it, verbal descriptions of the building made entirely out of a light brown wood, black shingles on top of the many, many floors the school housed. It was built in the traditional Japanese style with round windows and simple gardens just as they had said, but it all seemed to be much more magnificent is person.

Kibougamine Imperial Academy, a school that served mainly as a place where students could learn and train for when they would enter universities, and one where the graduates were guaranteed a successful future if they worked hard enough. Children of rich nobles and politicians and people from the upper middle-class of Tokyo were the main student body of the school but on rare occasions, people like Hinata could also get in if they procured the right amount of money. He knew his parents were working their lives away for his sake and he knew that he had to make it up to them by being the son they wanted him to be- a diligent citizen of Japan and a hardworking salary man who could feed his parents and his family in the future.

Every step towards the building brought him closer to achieving his dream and he grinned. He could feel his eyes watering but he tried to hold it in because the other boy was still with him, watching him curiously.

“I think I can understand how you feel,” Komaeda spoke as if he could read Hinata’s mind, which felt a little weird but maybe it was obvious by his face how happy he was to be here, “To be so close to so many talented children, to study alongside them…it’s a dream come true for me.”

Hinata opened his mouth to answer something along the lines of ‘Yeah I’m happy to be here too’ but he was interrupted by the sound of angry yelling from up ahead.

What they had thought to be a crowd of students heading into the school turned out to be something else entirely. Komaeda’s eyes brightened at the sight and he ran before Hinata could even stop him. Groaning at the willfulness of the boy, Hinata followed him and came closer to the crowd of students, some of them waving banners and the others sitting on the road in a display of, what he guessed was, protest.

“Uh, Komaeda?” Hinata whispered hesitantly, “I don’t think we should have come here today. This doesn’t look normal.”

Komaeda didn’t answer him as, face glowing in excitement, he watched the protestors yell and scream angry taunts at the school.

 “They’re student radicals…I always thought they were a myth!” Komaeda spoke in awe and Hinata frowned.

“I’ve heard of them, but it just doesn’t make sense,” Hinata said, walking past a group of teenagers huddled together, “Why would they want to protest against a school like Kibougamine? It’s flawless.”

“That’s probably what they’d like us to believe,” Komaeda spoke under his breath.

“D-do you really mean that?” Hinata couldn’t help the spike of anger he felt at the words. Wasn’t Komaeda also a follower of this school? Wasn’t that why he had joined too?

Komaeda inclined his head to the side, “I’m not really sure. But it looks to me like the students are just doing this for the attention,” he said as he bumped into a taller boy, his hair shaped oddly like a corncob.

“Oi oi oi!” the boy spoke in a deep voice, rotating his arm as he sized down Komaeda, “You think we’re doing this for _attention_?”

Hinata’s breath hitched as the taller boy addressed them and he prayed Komaeda would just ignore him.

“Ah that’s what it looked like,” he said anyway and Hinata groaned, trying to slink away before things got out of hand.

“Komaeda…let’s go,” he whispered but the white haired boy stood in his spot, completely oblivious.

Komaeda didn’t move and Hinata felt like he was trying to pick a fight with the other guy but he nodded and followed Hinata towards the building, trying not to draw attention. Unfortunately, another boy stopped them a few seconds later.

“Where the hell are you guys going? Come stand with us,” he said, gesturing towards the group that was hefting banners which read things along the lines of ‘Kibougamine academy is full of slave drivers!’, ‘Studying for Slavery!’ and “Destruction upon Kibougamine!”

Hinata shook his head and tried to put on a friendly smile but he was sure it came off looking cynical instead. “Ah that’s fine…really. We should be going or we’ll be late.”

The boy looked at Hinata as if he was crazy but he just shook his head and sighed, “You’re new here aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Komaeda answered in his stead.

The boy smirked, “Figures. There’s no way you two would be so eager to go if you knew how things are here.” he said.

“What does that mean?” Hinata asked, feeling nervous because of the way the boy spoke- as if he knew something the two of them didn’t.

“You’ll see in a month or two,” he answered, a sly smirk playing on his lips, “You’d say you’re a smart boy, right?” he asked Hinata.

Hinata was a little confused by the question but he nodded, still unsure. “I’m good at studying if that’s what you’re asking.”

The boy chuckled and placed a hand on Hinata’s shoulder. Hinata wanted to move back but he stayed in position meeting his eyes with a glare of his own. He didn’t like being belittled by people he didn’t even know.

“If you have any problems you’re always welcome here. We stick with each other, you know.” the boy said almost gently.

“What-”

“We should go, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said almost forcefully and walked away from the boy, taking long strides to get away as fast as possible.

Hinata hefted his bag over his shoulder and ran after him, feeling his heart hammer uncertainly in his chest, a sense of unease growing in his gut at the sounds of the protests and angry yelling.

 

“What was that about?” Hinata asked Komaeda as they headed inside the building, “Any idea what that guy meant back there?”

Komaeda shook his head, “I have no clue actually.”

“They’re messed up. Protesting doesn’t even make sense.”

Hinata received a hum in agreement and he turned to observe the interior. The building was almost entirely empty save for a few members of staff who passed by them wearing grey yukatas, their stilted shoes clacking against the wooden flooring.

The building was well furnished with desks lined against each other in every classroom, the blackboards were a spotless green and the library possessed every book Hinata could imagine. Komaeda seemed particularly enraptured by the place and the two of them spent an hour inside, going through books and reading them- Hinata observed that the other boy liked the poetry books quite a lot but when Hinata tried to read them as well, he couldn’t really understand much. Hinata had always been the type to prefer stories over poetry and he couldn’t fathom what Komaeda saw in them. He didn’t say that though, because he decided it might offend the only person he could call a friend here and that wouldn’t do.

As they left the library they found a curious teacher who asked them why they were inside the school (which seemed like an odd question to Hinata- where else were students supposed to be?). Komaeda answered lightly saying that they were looking around and waiting for the teachers to start class. The teacher was almost impressed and muttered something about the other students being ‘no good thankless children’, which Hinata nodded to fervently. They bade the teacher farewell when he told them to go ahead and have a look around but that there wouldn’t be any classes today because of the protests. If things were resolved easily they’d be back on schedule starting tomorrow and Hinata prayed that was the case.

Since there was nothing better to do, they roamed about a little more. They headed to the rooftop where the sun was out in all its hellish glory and Hinata could barely open his eyes because it was so bright. From what little he could see, standing against the railings, he found that most of the city was visible from here. He could make out the smaller houses on the outskirts of the district, the stalls in the marketplace and the busy hum of the city in the morning, full of life and bursting with energy.

It was so different from the countryside and every glance at the trains that skirted the city, expelling grey smoke and ringing at every stop, made Hinata a little wistful of the peace back at home but it also excited him to be at the centre of development, the country’s capital and the place where dreams were realized. Hinata wanted to be a part of it all and that made his determination stronger.

“I have a feeling I’ll be coming to this place quite often,” Komaeda mused after a few minutes of silence, wiping the sweat from his brow.

Hinata nodded in agreement, “Me too.”

\---

By the time they left the rooftop, they were sweaty and hot, but neither of them seemed to regret it. They walked towards the library again because Komaeda insisted and Hinata was too tired to argue.

“At least there’s a fan there, right?” Hinata asked as they entered the place and the scent of paper and leather-bound books greeted them.

“I think I saw one next to the history section,” Komaeda said, fanning his face with a hand.

Komaeda’s memory, Hinata found, was quite strong and they found a small oscillating fan resting on a table next to the bookshelves. Hinata turned it on with a flick of the switch and the loud hum of the metal blades was a relief to the two boys. Hinata stood in front of it and grinned when the strong blasts of air met his sweat soaked skin. Komaeda stood next to him and it felt unnaturally warm with him there but he didn’t mind.

“Come stand here.” Hinata said and moved to the side so Komaeda could stand in front of it the fan too.

Komaeda smiled in thanks and lowered his head so that the hair around his neck spilled to the sides and revealed his nape, visible beneath the black collars of his shirt, milky white with a single mole on the right.

Hinata was about to say something when Komaeda’s cap suddenly flew off his head and hit Hinata’s face before landing on the floor a few steps away from the two of them.

“I’m so sorry, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda exclaimed, completely horrified and Hinata laughed.

“It’s okay,” he said, “It’ll be cooler with it off anyway.”

“You’re right about that,” he agreed and lowered his head again but continued to look at Hinata, a smile on his face. Hinata found himself looking into his eyes and realized for the first time that they were a lovely shade of blue and grey, “I hope you’re not mad.”

“I’m not!”

Komaeda sighed in relief, “Ah, I’m glad…I wouldn’t like it if you got angry at me.”

“Is that so?”

The boy nodded and lapsed into silence, the fan whirring on incessantly, making his thin white hair fly erratically. Hinata found himself curious about the boy.

“Say, Komaeda,” Hinata asked hesitantly, “Has your hair always like that…I mean naturally?”

Komaeda’s fingers went to his hair subconsciously and he frowned in confusion, “My hair? Do mean the color?”

Hinata nodded, suddenly feeling embarrassed for asking. Maybe he was prying; maybe Komaeda didn’t like being asked questions.

“They’ve been like that since I was a child,” Komaeda chuckled, “My mother thought I had some kind of disease but really, there’s nothing of the sort!”

Hinata sighed internally, not sure of the reason.

“A-and your eyes?” he asked.

“Been like that since I was born too! It’s not like I’m half Japanese or anything. It’s a little odd now that I think about it.” He tapped his chin with a finger, in deep thought.

“That’s pretty weird,” Hinata agreed.

Komaeda laughed and stepped away from the fan, patting his hair down where they had stuck up at odd ends. They didn’t get any tamer with his efforts but he seemed satisfied. Hinata took his place at the front of the fan and sighed at the temporary reprieve from the heat.

“Well it does make me look different,” he said almost as an afterthought, “At least it keeps from being _completely_ average.”

Hinata snapped his head up at the words and the fan fell back as it hit his hand as he stood. It rattled on the table and the motor, still working, sputtered air towards the ceiling- completely useless.

Hinata’s hands felt clammy.

“Is something wrong?” Komaeda asked in concern, “Did I say something?”

Hinata shook his head and tried to fix the fan before it broke and he got blamed for wrecking it. It set upright without any difficulty and he placed his hands in front of it to check if it was working fine. It was, and he hoped his hands would dry so that Komaeda wouldn’t notice.

 _No, of course he’s not doing that on purpose_ , Hinata reminded himself, _I’m just being paranoid._

“It’s nothing,” Hinata said when Komaeda continued to look at him with worried eyes, “What were you saying about being average?”

\---

They didn’t talk much after that since Komaeda suddenly got bored of talking and Hinata wasn’t very eager to pursue the topic anyway. Soon enough it was time to go back. The protestors were still huddled outside the school area and Hinata frowned as he walked past them, trying to drown out their voices. He said goodbye to Komaeda as they left but the boy ended up walking in the same direction as him.

“You know I’m really starting to think you’re following me,” Hinata said as a halfhearted attempt to lighten the mood.

“But the apartment I’m staying in is that way,” he answered, “Maybe _you’re_ the one following me?”

“I seriously doubt that, Komaeda.”

“Where will you be living, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked as he sidestepped little children running in their way.

“Mirai Inn.” Hinata said.

“Eh? That’s where I’ll be staying too!” he exclaimed, managing to sound both confused and excited at the same time.

“That’s a ridiculous coincidence don’t you think?”

Komaeda shook his head, “Actually, it’s close to the school and it’s cheap so I think a lot of students might be living there. Didn’t you arrange for a room pool as well?”

“I did. But my roommate still hadn’t arrived when I got here yesterday.”

“He’s probably here by now,” Komaeda said and pointed ahead where the run-down apartment was visible; “It’s in a pretty bad condition isn’t it?” he laughed.

“Yeah it is,” Hinata sighed, “But this was the only place cheap enough.”

“Ah. I only chose this place because it was closest to school!” Komaeda smiled, embarrassed.

They walked in through the front door where a handmade sign had been placed, saying ‘Rooms available!’ in messy splashes of ink.

They found a few other students standing in the lobby which was just a small enough room for all of them to fit. The sliding door to the right opened and a middle aged woman with small, round eyes, and a light pink kimono, stepped out.

“Usami-san!” Komaeda greeted her, “It’s nice to see you.”

“Komaeda-kun! Hinata-kun!” she greeted them in her soft voice, “Did you two become friends already?”

“Ah…yeah,” Hinata answered, smiling awkwardly. _Was it that obvious?_

“Well I won’t keep you waiting!” she exclaimed and headed towards the table where she had placed all the keys in a wooden box with small flower carvings, “Your roommate has arrived, Hinata-kun. I hope you’ll get along with him.”

Hinata nodded and took the rusting metal key from her. It smelled funny and Hinata shoved it into his pocket before his fingers caught the smell too. Komaeda’s seemed to be in better condition and Hinata felt slightly jealous.

“Third floor?” Hinata asked him.

“Second actually,” Komaeda said, “All the third floor ones were booked I heard.”

“Oh,” Hinata felt oddly disappointed as they reached Komaeda’s floor.

The two of them stood facing each other and Hinata didn’t know what he was supposed to do. Komaeda shrugged and pointed towards the door to his left.

“That’s my room,” he said, “It’s right next to the stairway so I’m sure it’ll be _noisy_.”

“That could be a problem when you’re studying. I wouldn’t like it.” Hinata said.

“Well it’s not like I can change rooms now. I’m sure I’ll get used to it.”

Hinata nodded slowly, and glanced towards the stairs, “I’ll be going now…I’ll guess I’ll see you tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” he grinned, “We could go to school together.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Hinata said and took a hesitant step towards the stairs.

Komaeda waved at him as Hinata walked up the rickety wooden stairs until he couldn’t see the head of white hair anymore.

Hinata walked towards his own room which was right in the middle of the corridor, to the right. He’d only spent one night there and the thin walls had barely let him sleep at night since his neighbors seemed to be a noisy bunch. Yawning as he thought of getting some sleep, he spotted a boy crouching next to his door, tinkering with the wooden frame of the door.

What really caught his attention- other than the fact that he was obviously messing around with the door and possibly trying to break in- was the obnoxious pink hair and painfully yellow yukata that he was wearing. His leg was propped against the doorframe, slipping out of the side of the dress, and Hinata wrinkled his nose.

_How the hell does that even happen?_

 “What are you doing?” Hinata asked, looking at the boy as he continued to play with the door, shaking the keyhole as if it would come out.

He slowly turned his head to look at Hinata and grinned. Hinata had to bite back a scream when he saw his razor sharp teeth that looked like they could take a chunk of meat out of his skin if he got angry. He gulped and pointed towards the door.

“Why are you messing with the door?” he asked again.

“Oh this?” he said, gesturing towards the keyhole that seemed to be coming out of the frame’s side, “I was just fixing it you know. It was going to break any second.”

“It was working fine in the morning,” Hinata replied.

The boy scratched the back of his head and shrugged, “Believe me, buddy, it wouldn’t have lasted one more day. I know my stuff.”

Hinata wondered if that was the case, given the boy didn’t exactly look like he knew his ‘stuff’ but who was he to judge? He nodded and stood at the door while he went about tightening loose screws and humming to himself.

“So…you’re living here too?” Hinata asked.

The boy snorted and raised an eyebrow, “I wouldn’t have been fixin’ the door if I didn’t live here. I’m your roommate probably.”

“Ah…that makes sense,” Hinata nodded, “So you’re Souda Kazuichi?”

“Yup that’s me! You must be Hinata, huh?”

“Nice to meet you, I’m glad we got this arrangement done.”

Souda laughed, “Yeah. It’d be a pain in the ass to pay the entire rent myself. I still have to work odd jobs for the money though,” he finished with a groan and snapped the lock in place.

“Why are you fixing the door anyway?” Hinata asked, “No one’s going to come into our room.”

“Oi! Everyone needs their privacy! I’m not just going to let anyone come in like they own the place!”

Hinata would have argued that it was quite unlikely anyone would be interested in the things two seventeen year old boys kept, but he didn’t say so.

“I guess you have a point,” he said as Souda got up, and finally- Hinata sighed in relief- fixed his yukata.

“Well come on in then.” Souda waved his hand with a flourish and went in, roughly sliding the door open.

Hinata followed him, closing the door with much less force, and placed his bag next to the wall. The room was in a far worse condition than it had been in the morning and there were clothes scattered all over the tatami mats. Hinata also spotted a bunch of tools lying in a dirty heap below the small window that offered only the view of the clustered buildings and shops behind them. The room was small enough as it was without all the scattered things making it seem even more crowded.

“Do you always keep your things like that?” Hinata asked, mildly curious.

“Yup!” he answered proudly and Hinata rolled his eyes.

“Isn’t it hard to manage?”

“Nope!”

Hinata decided he’d probably be doing most of the work in keeping the room clean which seemed like a bother but he decided that sacrifices needed to be made. He had to get along with his roommate and he hoped that despite how sloppy he was, he’d be a decent person to talk to at least.

“What’s with that judgmental look on your face, eh?” Souda asked Hinata, his lips curled.

“Judgmental?”

“You’ve got a weird frown on your face!” he pointed with his finger and Hinata leaned away from him.

“Ah…I’m not judging you though, don’t worry.” Hinata said, touching his eyebrows to see if Souda was right. He was.

“It must be ‘cause you’re tired, right?” he suggested.

Hinata nodded halfheartedly, “Might be.”

Souda puffed up his cheeks, “Why the hell did you go to school anyway?”

“That’s an odd thing to ask. Why _do_ students go to school?”

The pink-haired boy groaned, “You know what I meant! Why’d ya go to school when they were holding a protest?”

 “I didn’t know they were doing it until I got there,” Hinata said, folding his arms across his chest and sitting down on the purple floor cushion, “But even if I had that doesn’t make skipping school acceptable!”

Souda seemed dumbstruck for a few seconds before he broke into a stream of laughter, tears coming out of his eyes. Hinata felt a spark of irritation which he stamped down.

“I don’t get why you’re laughing,” Hinata whined.

“It’s your first year at Kibougamine huh?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Hinata said uncertainly, “I only applied after I finished my first year back in the village.”

“Makes sense,” Souda said, “I used to be like that too last year.”

Hinata was reminded of the student who had talked to him when he was going to school. He remembered he’d said Hinata would understand why they protested soon enough.

“Are you…one of them too?” Hinata asked, feeling uneasy all of a sudden. If Souda was one of them as well it would probably mean a world of trouble for him if he got too involved. He silently prayed that Souda was just an ordinary student at Kibougamine who didn’t get himself in those pointless protests.

“Nah I’m not with them,” Souda said easily and Hinata sighed, “But I do understand where they’re coming from.”

Hinata shrugged, “As long as you’re not protesting with them.”

“Man, you really have a thing against them, huh?”

“I just don’t see the point in doing all that,” Hinata shook his head, “What will they get from it?”

“I don’t know. They probably want to show the administration and those adults that they don’t want to be forced to do so much when it’s of no use.”

“No _use_?” Hinata couldn’t help the fact that his voice rose a little higher when he spoke, “They could make their lives so much better, they could be successful if they study from here and they say there’s no _use_?”

Souda’s face turned apologetic when he heard Hinata spoke, “I’m just saying it’s not what everyone wants ya know.”

Hinata nodded, not wanting to speak about it further and went to change his clothes behind the folding screen in the corner of the room. He tried to distract his thoughts but he couldn’t stop thinking about the protests and how incredibly foolish the entire notion was.

He knew that not everyone thought about things the same way as him and that no matter how much he’d study and work hard to change his life, not everyone lived life the same way as him. It was a simple fact that most of the people here were better off than him and much more talented than he was.

It was a simple fact, and one that he was perfectly aware of, but it still made him just a little resentful of the way he was.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i figured it's been a while so i should update lmao
> 
> i hope you look forward to the following chapters and thanks for reading! i'm really excited to be working on this so i hope you'd like to read it! :>


	3. Sakura

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In the peaceful light  
> Of the ever-shining sun  
> In the days of spring, 
> 
> Why do the cherry's new-blown blooms  
> Scatter like restless thoughts?  
> -Ki no Tomonori

_Tokyo_  
_April 2, 1922_  
_11th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata drummed his fingers against the wooden desk, he stared out of the window and looked at the stark blue sky, he listened to the cicadas buzzing in an odd rhythm, the noise mixing together with the voices droning in the background and he fidgeted nervously, his collar too tight all of a sudden.

Footsteps echoed on the polished wooden panels and Hinata reluctantly turned his head towards the blackboard in the middle of the classroom where one by one his classmates came and introduced themselves.

Normally, Hinata wasn’t the nervous type and he was proud of that fact but somehow as soon as he had set foot inside Kibougamine, his heart had been pitter pattering with nervousness, an odd mix of expectation and anxiety. This was the school he would be studying in for the next two years of his life so that he could prepare himself to go into a good university, and these were the classmates he would have to spend his time with until then.

First impressions mattered. They mattered a lot when your entire future depended on it and they mattered even more when most of the people here would judge you with a single glance.

The boy sitting next to Hinata got up, his chair screeching painfully loud against the floor and Hinata snapped out of his thoughts, trying to pay attention to what was being said and hoping to take some hints on what he could say when his own turn came.

The boy spoke in a clear and steady voice, his back straight and his smirk proud. Hinata felt a spike of envy at how calm the boy was and then he was walking back to his seat, leaning lazily on the desk and staring at the boy who came to take his place.

 _I’m next…_ Hinata thought as he took a deep breath and wiped his palms on the side of his freshly pressed black trousers- the pride of the school and his family and he was wiping his _sweaty palms_ on them. Hinata shook his head and looked on.

Komaeda walked up to the centre of the class and regarded the students with a courteous nod. His eyes briefly flitted in Hinata’s direction and he smiled. Hinata found himself staring, unable to pinpoint what exactly made him do so, but as the boy’s lips curled into a friendly grin, Hinata found his own nervousness ebb away with a single sigh.

He spoke in a loud voice, “My Name is Komaeda Nagito,” he said, “I hope we can all get along.”

His brief introduction over, he walked back to his own seat, passing by Hinata’s as he did. The chair dragged against the floor once again and his teacher, an old man in his sixties with graying hair and horn-rimmed spectacles, waved Hinata over.

Taking a deep breath Hinata did as the others had and stood in front of the entire class- an odd mixture of unruly teenage boys in black, high collared uniforms with golden buttons and black peak caps on their heads. Some of them lounged in their seats and others sat stiff and formal. Every eye, however, was on him and Hinata found his nerves waning.

“My name is Hinata Hajime!” he spoke so fast he was surprised he said the words in correct order, “I’m from Kamakura and I came to Tokyo to study here!”

His teacher, nodding thoughtfully, encouraged him to go on and Hinata decided it wasn’t that hard to speak.

“I’ve always wanted to study in Kibougamine and I’m really excited that I got the chance to do so. I hope the next few years here will be good for all of us.”

“Thank you, Hinata-kun,” the teacher said and smiled.

Hinata bowed, his breathing finally returning to him, and walked back to his seat.

Much of what happened after that went by Hinata’s head so fast he didn’t really have time to dwell upon it. When the lessons did start, however, Hinata’s attention snapped firmly into place and his lips curved into a smile of glee.

The atmosphere in the classroom seemed to change as the first words were scrawled into the board in white chalk, the dust falling to the floor and scattering with a gentle breeze. There was a light tension in the room now and Hinata could feel his neck muscles tightening, his eyes taking in every word that was written, willing it all to memory and scribbling it into his notebook just in case he did forget. Everyone was much the same and he felt a strange euphoria in sitting here, studying in class with everyone, completely focused on gaining knowledge- focused on obtaining the success that everyone yearned for.

There were kanji that he didn’t understand and he felt a rush of excitement at the thought that he was learning new things so much more advanced than he was used to. During German class he noted phrases and grinned at the prospect of revising them when he got back to his room- if he knew he was bad at something it made it easier to understand what he had to do. Work hard and everything would be sorted out soon enough- that was what he firmly believed because despite his lack of talent he could stand equal to everyone else due to his own willpower.

He didn’t notice when the last bell rang and everyone in class got up to leave. It took him a while to understand that they were packing up to go home and Komaeda walked over to him and pointed at the open notebook that lay on Hinata’s desk.

“Aren’t you going to get up, Hinata-kun?” he asked, waving his bag in front of him for emphasis.

Hinata blinked, “Oh right. I was just copying down the lecture, hold on a second.”

Komaeda hummed in agreement and sat down on the seat next to him. It felt odd because he could feel Komaeda’s eyes on him as he jotted down the history lesson as fast as he could. He noticed that his writing looked noticeably uglier than usual and he blamed it on the fact that he was being watched so intently by the boy sitting next to him.

 “Your handwriting is beautiful, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda said as he casually leaned forward to have a better look.

Hinata looked at him as if he was crazy, “Are you serious? It’s _ugly_ and it’s even worse than normal today because I haven’t really written that much over the break.”

Komaeda shook his head and his curls bounced around as he did, “Trust me, it’s really nice!” he said.

“And why should I believe you?” Hinata asked with a laugh because Komaeda sounded so sure of himself.

Komaeda gave it a thought, humming exaggeratedly loud for effect and beamed, “You could say I’m a connoisseur of beautiful things. You’ll just have to take my word on that since I can’t really prove it you.”

“Alright alright I’ll believe you,” Hinata said, slamming his notebook shut and shoving it in his bag so that Komaeda would stop looking. He felt oddly self conscious all of a sudden. “Uh…thanks for the compliment then.”

Komaeda nodded, an easy smile ever present on his lips, and raised his eyebrow, “Ready to go then?”

Hinata got up quickly and set his chair back against the desk, “Let’s go.”

\---

The walk back home was shorter this time because the bridge had been reopened and no one was out looking for trouble anymore which was a relief. He was glad that school had started without any more complications and his first day at Kibougamine had turned out to be unexpectedly fun, in a way. It also helped that he was already acquainted with a classmate of his which saved him from feeling completely alone.

Souda was supposed to be in his class too but he hadn’t shown up. Komaeda asked him about it on the way since he had been curious to know who his roommate was. Hinata told him that the boy had been sleeping when he’d left for school and even though he had tried to wake him up, he had refused to do so.

Komaeda looked pensive for a while and Hinata wondered if there was something he wanted to say so he asked him. The boy looked at him with an embarrassed smile and asked him if they could go eat out after they changed since the rooms didn’t really have any kitchens and it would be easier that way. Hinata agreed immediately, excited at the prospect of getting to spend more time with his new friend and suggested that they take Souda with them too. Komaeda agreed with just as much enthusiasm, and with the plan made, they parted ways at the staircase the same as they had before.

As Hinata walked back to his room, he felt a little curious about Komaeda’s roommate and wondered what kind of a person he was. All the while they had talked, Komaeda didn’t once mention him and he wondered if that meant that he hadn’t gotten along very well with him. He decided he would ask him later.

When he opened the door to his room, he found Souda lying on his futon, his body turned towards the direction of the sliding door as if he had been waiting for him.

“Oh man, you sure took your sweet time coming back, huh?” he said by way of greeting and Hinata put his bag in the cupboard before taking off his shoes and shoving them inside too.

“Good day to you too, Souda.” he said, a little miffed because the boy seemed so at ease just lying there, acting superior to him.

“Oi oi don’t take that tone with your roommate!” Souda whined and Hinata smiled weakly, sitting down on the floor in front of him.

“Why didn’t you come to school today?” Hinata asked.

Souda groaned and rubbed the back of his head, “Who the fuck goes to school on the first day, Hinata?”

“It’s actually the _second_ day.”

“Details details! It’s still the first academic day of the year, ain’t it?”

“That doesn’t really answer the question, though.” Hinata folded his arms across his chest.

“You sound like my mom…” he huffed, “I didn’t go because only _nerds_ go to school on the first day!”

“Nerds?” Hinata quirked an eyebrow, impressed at how childish Souda was when he had looked so scary when they’d met, “Are you being serious right now?”

 “I’m dead serious! There’s no point in going on the first day, I mean all we do is introduce ourselves and play nice with each other.”

“But we studied a lot too, you know. No homework but a lot of lectures,” Hinata said, hoping that would scare the boy a little and it did. Souda’s mouth dropped open and he scrambled across the floor, grabbing Hinata’s clothes.

“You serious? They made you guys work on the first day?”

Hinata nodded, pushing away Souda’s hand before some of the buttons got pulled away. He didn’t really know how to stitch them back so he was hoping to avoid making them loose at all costs.

“Yeah we worked. It was kinda hard but I’m sure you’ll get used to it,” Hinata said, and gave him a pointed look, “You’ll come with us from tomorrow, right?”

“Us? Who’s us?” Souda asked in confusion.

“Ah…I went to school with Komaeda, a friend of mine. His room’s on the floor below us.” Hinata said.

“How come I’ve never heard of any Komaedas in our class?”

“He’s new too.”

“Oh that makes sense. I don’t know why the two of you were crazy enough to transfer in the second year but whatever, none of my business.” Souda shrugged.

“That means you’ll come with us from tomorrow?” Hinata asked hopefully.

Souda said, “Sure sure. But man I’m hungry right now, got any food?”

Hinata clapped his hands together, suddenly remembering his plans. “Oh right! Komaeda invited the two of us to a restaurant to eat. Get dressed.”

Souda frowned, crossing his arms across his chest and began to hum. It was low at first but when it rose high enough to sound like one of the new cars that had just hit the roads, Hinata clamped a hand over his mouth.

“What’re you doing?” Hinata asked, a little scared that Souda might bite his hand off, “Why are you making that noise?”

“I was showing you my discontentment!” he said through Hinata’s hand and inched back.

“You don’t want to go?”

“I would go if I had the money! I’m a poor highschooler and I barely scrape by!”

“So…uh you don’t eat?”

“I do eat but I don’t eat _out_!” he said and sighed dramatically. Hinata felt a little sorry for him.

“It’s a one-time thing, Souda. We could share stuff.” Hinata offered and Souda immediately brightened, his bright eyes gleaming.

“Oh well! Now that money issues are out of the way, let’s go eat! I’m starving,” he exclaimed and got up, straightening his day old hakama which was wrinkled because of him lying on the floor for so long.

Hinata watched the boy hurriedly wear his sandals, whistling as he did, and couldn’t quite shake off the notion that he had just been scammed.

\---

“Does he always dress this fancy when he goes out?” was the first thing Souda said when he met Komaeda. Hinata groaned inwardly and kicked his foot but Komaeda just smiled.

“I’m just used to wearing western clothes because that’s how it was back home,” Komaeda said easily but he looked a little apologetic, “I didn’t get the time to buy something more…normal.”

“So you’re a rich kid, huh?” Souda pried.

Hinata wanted to say something to Souda but he’d been curious too when he had looked at the white haired boy dressed in a plain dress shirt and black slacks. It was a little odd since no one in the village ever wore clothes like that but it was normal here in the city, so Hinata figured he didn’t need to be surprised.

“My dad owns a few factories, yeah,” Komaeda answered with a shy smile, “We should get going by the way.”

“Right,” Hinata said as they walked down the stairs and left the building.

“Which restaurant?” Souda asked, “You’re paying right?”

“Souda! We’re going to split,” Hinata said, a little offended.

Komaeda laughed, “It’s no big deal, Hinata-kun. I’ll pay since it was my idea in the first place.”

Hinata felt a sting to his pride at those words, “I’m still paying for my own food.”

“Aw man why are you so hell bent on paying?” Souda whined, “Free food tastes the best!”

“Souda-kun’s right,” Komaeda agreed, “Accept it just this once?”

Hinata agreed reluctantly but he grumbled all the way to the small shop at the end of the street. It was a tiny restaurant with just about enough room for ten people to sit inside. Red paper lanterns hung over the entrance and a _maneki-neko_ figurine was set on the dirty wooden counter at the front.

“Does yakiniku sound alright?” Komaeda asked as they entered and both of them voiced their agreement.

“Ah meat sounds perfect!” Souda said, his eyes tearing up, “I haven’t had any in _months_.”

They walked over to an empty table in the corner and seated themselves. Souda sat across from Komaeda and Hinata and his eyes darted over to the grill set in the middle of the table, his grin widening. The shopkeeper brought them a plate of raw meat soon after and Komaeda set to work, roasting them on the grill with a pair of chopsticks in his hand.

Souda was a little impatient so he got to eat the first ones and Hinata was amused by the way he attacked the meat, eating it all up in a less than ten seconds after which he proceeded to eye the pieces that were still on the grill. He did have the decency to wait for the two of them to have some too before he decided to take charge of the grill.

Souda’s taking control of the grill more or less ended in a disaster that no one could control and he burnt half the meat so that Komaeda and Hinata were forced to share the charred remains. Hinata glared at Souda and poured sauce all over the meat, trying to get the burnt taste out of it. Komaeda jerked in the seat next to him and eyed Hinata with something that looked like disappointment, his eyebrows lowered and his lips twitching.

“What?” Hinata asked, chewing through the meat in his mouth.

“You’re not supposed to eat so much sauce, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said and his voice was dangerously low. Souda squeaked.

Hinata quirked an eyebrow, “But it makes it taste better.”

“It drowns out the taste of the meat! And since it’s already burnt adding soy sauce isn’t going to help the case very much,” he said, looking at the meat with disgust.

“Eh? But I’m the one who’s eating it…”

“It’s not very good for your health either, you know,” Komaeda continued and heaved a sigh, “You don’t want that much salt in your system.”

Hinata was surprised at the sudden change in Komaeda’s demeanor and felt a little irritated for some reason. “I’ve studied biology too, Komaeda. I know what happens.”

“I’m just saying you should look after your health. It wouldn’t be very nice if you fall sick or something” Komaeda said, his voice getting more concerned now and Hinata cracked a smile.

“You’re kinda motherly when you talk like that,” Hinata said and put the meat aside, “I won’t eat it if it annoys you that much.”

Souda, who had been watching the entire scene unfold with interest- chewing the only eatable piece of meat left- spoke, “You’re both like moms, ya know that? It’s kinda creepy.”

Hinata flushed at the accusation and Komaeda just smiled, thanking Souda for the compliment.

“What the hell? It wasn’t a compliment,” Souda said and jerked a thumb towards Komaeda as he addressed Hinata, “Is this guy for real?”

Hinata couldn’t help but laugh. He had a feeling the two of them would get along just fine.

\---                                                                                            

They left the restaurant with full stomachs but Souda seemed to be the one having the most difficulty in walking. He groaned with every step he took and complained about how full he was which earned him no sympathy from his friends. They looked at him and rolled their eyes as Souda whined.

Hinata turned to head back towards the inn when Komaeda grabbed him by the elbow and stopped him.

“Where do you think you’re going?” Souda asked, frowning at him.

“Back to my room…?” Hinata said uncertainly, looking at Komaeda for help but he seemed to be in agreement with Souda.

“You’re not going back so soon, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, “We’re going to explore the city a little. I’ll show you around.”

Hinata didn’t have much time to object before the two of them took hold of his arms and dragged him away from the restaurant and into unknown territories.

Tokyo, Hinata realized, was a city far brighter than he had imagined. Although it was still early evening and the sun was peeking through the clouds like a shy woman, the area around him was sparkling, completely illuminated by it. The streets were tight and well woven, a disorganized mess of small apartments and shops huddled together, the scent of food and laundry and waste all mixing together in a peculiar combination. Hinata decided it would take some getting used to but it wasn’t anything his nose couldn’t handle.

As they left the streets and entered the city centre, the atmosphere around them changed. The first thing he noticed was the occasional honk of a car as it drove by, expelling grey smoke as it did, and Hinata stared in awe the first few times it happened. Souda and Komaeda looked at him knowingly and told him that they’d reacted the same way when they had seen their first car. The second thing he noticed was the trains that passed alongside them on the roads, the tracks laid out on the gravel merged with the path they walked on and the three of them steered clear of them as they walked on.

Hinata wasn’t sure where they were going and he felt uneasy because it was getting late and all he wanted to do was revise his work in case the teachers questioned him about it. He wasn’t sure he’d caught on to everything as well as he wanted to, so it made him more anxious. Sure, Tokyo was a beautiful city in its own right but he didn’t want to risk looking around if it meant compromising his studies. His parents wouldn’t have been particularly happy to see him aimlessly strolling around the city with two boys he didn’t even know that well.

Komaeda must have noticed the growing distress on Hinata’s face because he leaned closer to him and pouted, staring into Hinata’s eyes until the boy stopped in his tracks.

“What?” Hinata asked, feeling a little jumpy.

“You look worried,” Komaeda said and Souda nodded vigorously.

“I swear it looks like someone died,” Souda added, “Breathe a little, you look about ready to faint.”

Hinata shook his head, running a hand through his hair, “What are we doing? We should be in our rooms, not wasting time loitering about like tourists!”

Komaeda looked like he didn’t really understand, “But we still have the entire day ahead of us. What’s a few hours lost if we use them to relax?” he said, his tone calming.

Hinata sighed, “I don’t like it…what’s the point?”

“The point is, Hinata-kun, that you’re in a new city and you should be familiar with it!” Komaeda said, gesturing to all the buildings around him “Isn’t it important if you think of it from a practical point of view?”

“Right right!” Souda chimed in, “What if you had to go out and get some important stuff like medicines or ero magazines and you had no idea where to get them from? You’d be _lost_!”

Hinata took some time to ponder why he would ever want to buy ero magazines but he didn’t ask for fear of Souda going into horrific detail about it. But they did have a point when he thought about it. What was the harm in looking around a little? It would only make things easier if he had to go somewhere on his own, not that he thought he would.

“Alright,” Hinata agreed with a shrug, “Show me around the city but we have to get back before sunset.”

“You’re such a killjoy,” Souda whined, “Loosen up a little, will ya?”

“I don’t really see what that has to do with anything,” Hinata said as they approached a larger open area, surrounded by wooden fences.

There were open grounds on both sides of the road as they walked along the side. Hinata noticed large trees ahead and his heart sank when he saw that they were a light shade of pink.

“Oi look! _Sakura_!” Souda pointed at the same time and Hinata groaned inwardly.

Komaeda perked up too and grinned, running forward, his hair flying as he did. Souda followed after him, his bright hair contrasting with the trees. Hinata lingered at the back, not wanting to go ahead but of course the two boys started pulling him by the hand again and Hinata tried his best to stay anchored but they were surprisingly strong.

Half pulled, half dragged, Hinata found himself standing underneath the cherry blossom trees that lined both sides of the road. It was a beautiful sight and he would have sighed deeply and taken in the wondrous beauty of it all if he hadn’t already known what would happen if he did. Before he could cover his nose with a hand, he sneezed and Hinata decided there was no such thing as good luck in his life.

He hoped his companions would quickly bore of the beauty they were surrounded by, praying they didn’t notice Hinata’s condition. But just as he’d expected, the two of them sat down on the grass, looking up at the trees and smiling like drunks.

“They’re so pretty aren’t they?” Komaeda asked in a dreamy voice and Souda sighed wistfully. Hinata’s eyes watered when he tried to see what was so great about the view and then he sneezed, louder this time. His throat felt painful and sore already.

“What’s up with you?” Souda asked, raising an eyebrow and Hinata noted in his mind that Souda wasn’t one for delicacy.

Hinata didn’t say anything, not because he didn’t want to tell them but because he sneezed again and then once more. His eyes were watery, his throat felt dry and when he looked at the pink flowers all around him, he couldn’t help but curse them.

“Oh!” Komaeda exclaimed, realization dawning in his eyes, “You’re allergic to cherry blossoms, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata nodded weakly and tried his best to cover his nose. It helped a little and he found his breath coming a little easier.

Komaeda looked at him in concern while Souda looked confused as if he was still wondering how anyone in their right minds could be allergic to _flowers_.

“We should leave,” Komaeda said hurriedly but Hinata shook his head.

“No no,” his voice came a little heavy, “You two have a look around, and I’ll just…go.”

“That’s nonsense! We’re not leaving you alone right, Souda-kun?” Komaeda turned to the shark toothed boy who was looking at the trees and whistling a merry tune.

Komaeda stared at him and he snapped out of his daze, scratching his head, “Oh….right. Yeah.”

“He doesn’t look like he wants to go back,” Hinata commented and waved Komaeda away, “You two have fun.” He said and turned to leave, his feet moving fast.

He didn’t really mind going back alone but he couldn’t really help feeling a little silly, nose runny and eyes watering. He wasn’t expecting his friends to follow since they’d been enjoying themselves and he really didn’t want to be a bother so when he heard footsteps behind him and he turned, a little too hopefully, a smile had already found its way on his lips.

“Don’t just leave without us!” Souda groaned, “I don’t want to be left alone with this guy.”

Komaeda laughed, “Hinata-kun, you’re really impatient.”

Hinata didn’t know what to say and he decided that his voice had flown back to Kamakura because he could only stare at the two of them as they stood in front of him, smiling brightly. His chest felt a little tight and he knew he was being oddly sentimental but he sniffed, taking in a whiff of the air around him. His nose protested but he didn’t care because it was the first time anyone had stayed behind for him and he felt like he could stand a little more of this torture for their sake.

“I’m alright now!” Hinata said even though his voice was still heavy, “Let’s look at the flowers together.”

“What the _hell_?” Souda muttered, “I thought you were allergic to them.”

Hinata shrugged, “I guess it’s getting better now.”

It took exactly two seconds before Souda ran off back towards the trees and Hinata looked at him go, wanting to laugh at how childish he was. Komaeda looked at him skeptically and scanned his face as if he wanted to say something.

“You’re just saying that for our sake, aren’t you?” he asked.

“Huh? What do you mean?” Hinata tilted his head- feigning ignorance- and sneezed.

“I knew it,” Komaeda said with a satisfied smirk.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Komaeda opened his mouth to speak again when a sharp gust of wind blew across the park, making Hinata’s clothes rustle. The cold air touched his skin and he shivered, covering his nose immediately as the pink petals began to scatter around them, spinning in lazy arcs towards the ground.

Hinata’s eyes went over to Komaeda and he stared. The boy looked up at the scattering cherry blossoms and smiled serenely, his own hair flying in a wild mess- untamed and beautiful. Hinata’s throat felt dry.

Komaeda sighed, soft and wistful as he looked at the trees and the dancing petals, “If there were no cherry blossoms in this world. How much more tranquil our hearts would be in spring,” he said, sounding almost sad.

Hinata recognized it as a poem he had read many, many years ago and it only made him look at the white haired boy in even more awe for remembering it word for word.

“Do you know this poem, Hinata-kun?” he asked, grinning excitedly and Hinata nodded slowly, unable to speak, “It’s a little sad, isn’t it? That these cherry blossoms only live for a few weeks each year?”

 “I…I think that it’s nice that they only bloom for a few days,” Hinata said, looking at the petals and sneezing again. He didn’t think he could survive any more of this.

“Do you say that because of your allergies?” Komaeda laughed and Hinata shook his head.

“No…I meant that we can appreciate their beauty _because_ they’re only here for such a little time,” Hinata corrected himself, feeling embarrassed for saying something so whimsical, “We wouldn’t feel that way if we had to see them every day…right?”

 Komaeda smiled knowingly and walked on ahead, motioning for him to follow, “I’m glad you understand too, Hinata-kun.” he said gently and Hinata allowed himself to feel a little smart.

He didn’t know why he felt so happy all of a sudden but he was glad that he had agreed to go out and spend some time looking around. It was more than a little annoying to suffer through his allergies, but he didn’t think he would have gotten to see such an amazing sight if he hadn’t come.

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda said after a while.

“Hm?” Hinata asked as Komaeda stepped closer to him.

“Give me your hand,” he said and Hinata coughed in confusion.

Slowly, he opened his right hand in front of him and Komaeda pressed something into his outstretched palm. Komaeda giggled when Hinata looked at him questioningly, and stared at the single cherry blossom that he had placed in his hand. It was pink and delicate and each petal seemed to be held together so lightly that he felt as if touching it would make it crumble to pieces.

“What’s this?” Hinata asked, laughing as he looked at the flower and then at the boy who was twirling a petal between his fingers.

“If you hold it like that, doesn’t it look like time’s stopped for the while?” he said, still looking at the flower.

“Because it doesn’t fall apart when it’s in our hands?” Hinata was unsure about what Komaeda meant but he wanted to understand.

Komaeda nodded and finally met his eyes, glancing at him for a few seconds before regarding the flower resting on his palm, “It’s like holding eternity between your fingers. As long as the flower doesn’t fall apart, it looks like things will be the same as they always are.”

Hinata narrowed his eyes, thinking about what he’d said and found himself speaking, “But it’s bound to die eventually. Wouldn’t it mean that those things fall apart too?”

Komaeda plucked another flower from where it was lying on the ground and walked towards Souda. Hinata followed him, folding his fingers over the flower to keep it safe and waited for Komaeda to answer but he never did.

_Maybe there is no answer. What if we just have to wait for it to happen and enjoy it while it lasts?_

Hinata decided it was foolish to worry about things that wouldn’t happen ages from now and looked at the two boys standing ahead- friends he hardly knew and hoped to be with more than he had ever wished for, with anyone. If felt like a new beginning for Hinata and he found himself looking forward to the days ahead, unaware that just like the cherry blossoms, his world was meant to fall apart too.

He joined the boys and looked at the petals falling to the earth one by one like graceful dancers in a storm.

***

 _Nikko_  
1st April, 1925  
14th year of the Taisho Era

Hinata looked at the paper slip again, staring at the address as if it would magically lead him to his destination while he sat in the car that led him across the river Daiya and through the roads that would take him to the city known as Nikko.

It was already late, the sun having set a little after he had set foot off the train and taken out his luggage-- a small bag with just the few clothes he kept-- and hauled a taxi to take him to the address written on the slip. He was glad Matsuda knew about his home since it was a good place to start looking for him but Hinata knew better than to be too hopeful. There was still a chance that Komaeda might not be there and that he had been lying to him all along. He hoped it wasn’t the case, and the very thought of finally seeing him after so many years made his heart clench in an unusual kind of anticipation and he didn’t know if he should be happy or sad.

The car stopped much too quickly and Hinata leaned out to see where they were. The driver turned back to look at him and gave him a stony glare that made Hinata stiffen a little.

“We’re here, _sir_ ,” he said, “That’s the house, right over at the corner to the left.”

“Ah! I see it,” Hinata said, quickly getting out of the car and pulling out his bag with him, “How much for the ride?”

“Seventy yen.”

Hinata thought the fare was much cheaper here than it was at Tokyo-- but then again _everything_ was more expensive in Tokyo-- and he quickly handed him the money. The driver snatched it from him and drove off, leaving Hinata with a small bag and no idea what to do.

The small house in the corner could potentially be Komaeda’s house and he’d thought of so many things to say to him once he finally saw him but now that he was finally here, he felt completely lost. His face felt cold and his hands shook a little but he willed himself to move forward, each step bringing him closer to the boy.

“Hinata….kun?” a voice came from behind him and Hinata turned so fast he almost tripped in his hurry. He couldn’t mistake that voice for anyone else’s even if he wanted to.

“…Komaeda.” Hinata didn’t know how he could still speak as he looked at the boy, _finally_ looked at him after so long, “You’re still the same.”

Komaeda looked at him as if he was seeing a ghost and he was sure it would seem like that to anyone if you showed up at their doorstep without any warning. The grocery bag he was holding in his hands fell to the floor with a clack and his body shook just a little as he looked away, trying to shut off his emotions.

Hinata had seen that look on his face only once before and it hurt to look at him like that, not a smile on his face but he still ran towards him, wanting to be closer to him- wanting to touch him. Komaeda inched back and Hinata stepped forward and pulled him in a hug, burying his face in the boy’s shoulder.

 He felt leaner since the last time he’d seen him but it was still the same Komaeda he had been friends with, the same person who had been there for him every time he was hurt. The same Komaeda who had broken his heart. And, when Komaeda finally placed his hands on his back and hugged him too, Hinata felt like he was finally at home.

“What are you doing here, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked, quickly pulling back and Hinata missed the warmth he’d felt just a few seconds ago, “You’re not supposed to be here.”

“I came here to bring you back,” Hinata said, with a smile “It’s not the same without you.”

Komaeda remained silent and Hinata wondered with a sick feeling in his chest, if he was going to tell him to leave again. He couldn’t read his expression at all and he wondered when that happened- he’d always been the person who could understand him best.

Komaeda shook his head, “Why…? Why do you want me to come back after I left?” he said in agitation, “You _know_ why I left, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata lowered his head and smiled, moving closer to hold his hand, “Then you’ll know why I’m here to bring you back, don’t you?”

Komaeda paled and he shook his hand, away trying to make his presence as small as possible and Hinata realized he really had changed. He never acted like that before, “Don’t say it…please.”

 _Even if you mean it, you’re not supposed to say it._ Hinata remembered the words Komaeda had said so coldly once and Hinata’s feelings had been crushed _._ He knew better than to wish for those things now, he knew it had all been a childish fantasy.

“I won’t say it! It doesn’t matter anymore, Komaeda,” Hinata said and realized he meant it, “I just want to be friends with you again…I don’t want to be alone anymore.” He couldn’t help the way his voice shook as he said it and he felt so vulnerable saying it to Komaeda after so long.

Hinata shivered as a gust of wind blew across the street and Komaeda finally met his eyes. He smiled at him but it didn’t reach his eyes- it was a sad, almost guilty smile- and Hinata realized he wasn’t the only one who had been suffering all this time.

“Neither do I, Hinata-kun,” he said, “But there are times when we have to accept that’s just the way things will always be.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarification on some Japanese terms that i used as is: [ A Maneki-Neko ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maneki-neko) is similar to a lucky charm used by store owners because they believe it brings good luck.  
> [ Yakiniku ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yakiniku) is a Japanese dish that looks super delicious tbh
> 
> The poems that i use at the start of the chapters are from Ogura Hyakunin Isshu which is basically a collection of one hundred tanka poems from the greatest poet writers in Japanese history and i stumbled upon them while i was researching for this fic! They're hella rad and i hope you like the poems i'll select for each chapter :>
> 
> and as always, I hope you enjoyed this chapter!


	4. Kiss

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though I would hide it,  
> In my face it still appears--  
> My fond, secret love. 
> 
> And now he questions me:  
> "Is something bothering you?"  
> -Taira no Kanemori

_May 1, 1922  
11th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata scanned the essay, a frown finding its way on his face. He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly seemed so off about the ending sentence, but then again, English had never been his strongest subject. He leaned over the cushion he was sitting on and shoved the papers in Komaeda’s hands.

“Komaeda read that last sentence for me, will you?” Hinata said, not wanting to mess up his assignment, “Something feels weird. Is the grammar okay?”

Komaeda set aside his own work and smiled briefly before reading it, his eyebrows furrowing as he did. He traced his finger over a word several times before Hinata decided that the boy had found a mistake.

“What is it this time?” Hinata asked, “Did I switch past and present tense again?”

Komaeda shook his head, “No, no that was fine! It’s just that you misused the word ‘precocious’ here. You meant to write ‘Japan is my home country and it is _precious_ to me’ but you ended up saying it’s precocious to you. That changes the meaning of the sentence.”

Hinata groaned and took back the paper from Komaeda, staring at the offending word before blacking it out with his pen. “Why do I always get these words mixed up? I thought I had it right this time.”

Komaeda laughed and began to write again, his hand moving in slow stilted lines, writing as neat as he could but it still looked a little messy and oddly geometrical.

“You’ll get the hang of it, Hinata-kun. Everyone makes mistakes-- it’s not our first language after all,” he said and Hinata figured he should be encouraged since he had a point, but all he could feel was a sense of frustration over not being good enough.

Still, he was glad Komaeda had agreed to study with him whenever they were free. It helped him out a lot and it was a pleasant change to actually have a friend who was serious about his work instead of just dawdling and chatting whenever they got together. He appreciated it and he was happy that it was Komaeda, of all people, because he liked how well they got along.

Souda, on the other hand, usually lay in the corner of their room and spent most of his time reading magazines that Hinata didn’t even dare touch. Whenever they asked him to study with them he always made up excuses to leave midway or, on the rare occasion that he did sit down, he wouldn’t stop complaining about how useless everything they studied was. Sometimes Hinata had to agree –after all, what _was_ the point of studying algebra and literature? Still, he managed to keep a cool head about it and tried not to sway under his words. Komaeda was good support for him in those circumstances.

Today, Souda had decided he needed to go buy new magazines –-it was the fifth instance in three weeks-- and Hinata realized that this was probably the reason the boy starved himself of meat any time he wasn’t stealing Hinata’s food. He shook his head as he thought of Souda, sitting in the train, reading those horrendous books with bright eyes.

The plus side of his absence was that he got to study in peace without having to listen to the boy exclaiming every few seconds about women with sexy bodies and nice boobs. Hinata tried to drown out those words as soon as they entered his ears, intent on memorizing his lessons instead.

After half an hour of studying non-stop, not a single word being exchanged between the two boys, Hinata put his notebook down and Komaeda looked up from his work. He smiled knowingly.

“Tired?” he asked and Hinata nodded, cracking his fingers as he got up to stretch his legs.

“I think we’ve studied enough for the day,” Hinata said and came down to sit next to Komaeda, “We should give it a rest.”

“I think so too. I’ve memorized everything we’ve done so far and it’s getting a little boring, honestly.” Komaeda lay down on the floor and rested his head on the soft mats underneath.

Hinata joined him and stared at the ceiling, noticing that the white paint was coming off at many spots. He wondered if the flakes would fall down on their things with the air being blown by the fan.

“So…what do we do now?” Hinata asked idly, turning to look at the boy lying next to him, “Do we just talk?”

Komaeda attempted a shrug, “Anything you want to do. I’m fine just talking with you…it’s fun.”

Hinata smiled a little at his words, his chest feeling light, “Me too. For some reason I never get bored when I’m with you,” he said, and stifled a yawn, “It’s already late though…what time is it?”

Komaeda raised his hand in front of him, showing him his wristwatch but Hinata couldn’t make anything out. “Uh…mind saying it out loud? I can’t read it like this.”

Komaeda laughed, “It’s ten o ‘clock, Hinata-kun. It’s time for you to sleep isn’t it?”

Hinata nodded but felt a little childish for getting sleepy when his friend was sitting with him, “It’s okay. We can stay up until Souda comes back. He promised he’d bring us something to eat.”

“It’s okay really. I think I should just go back, Matsuda-kun must be waiting too,” Komaeda said and got up.

Hinata grabbed his wrist and pouted, “It’s no problem if your roommate waits a bit!” he protested, “Just go after you eat. That Matsuda guy comes back late, doesn’t he?”

Komaeda hesitated for a while, thinking things over and then relented, smiling helplessly, “You’re really persistent, Hinata-kun. I’ll stay but don’t blame me if you fall asleep before Souda-kun comes back.”

Hinata shrugged and realized he was still holding Komaeda’s wrist. He let it go in a flash and coughed awkwardly. “I won’t fall asleep, Komaeda. I’m not that childish.”

The white-haired boy raised an eyebrow, “Oh really?” he said, a trace of laughter in his voice “The last time I stayed late, you ended up falling asleep while I was talking! That was pretty mean, if you ask me.”

Hinata flushed thinking about it, “It was a one-time thing! I was tired from studying all night the day before! Cut me some slack, won’t you?”

Komaeda laughed and patted Hinata’s back, “I was joking, Hinata-kun. You don’t have to take everything so seriously.”

“Well you said it so seriously of cours-” Hinata began but Komaeda smiled at him so gently that he stopped mid sentence, “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” he asked instead, embarrassed.

“You know that’s what I like about you so much,” he said, still smiling, “You’re so serious and honest, Hinata-kun. It’s an admirable trait.”

Hinata figured Komaeda meant to compliment him but he felt a little stung. He didn’t feel like being honest or serious were particularly good qualities to have, especially if they made him sound like an idiotic village boy instead of someone worth admiring.

But, when he met Komaeda’s straightforward gaze, he decided the boy meant no harm in what he’d said.

“Thanks…I guess,” he said, looking at the floor and suddenly finding the tatami mats _very_ intriguing, “I don’t think it’s a particularly good thing to be like that, but I’ll take your word for it.”

He didn’t have to look at Komaeda to know that he was smiling at him and for some reason, that knowledge was enough to make him continue to stare at the floor. He wondered where Souda was.

“I wonder what’s taking Souda-kun so long,” Komaeda said at the same moment, mirroring his thoughts, “Did he get lost?”

Hinata shook his head, “He probably found a friend on the way. But it’s getting late…I’m a little worried.”

Komaeda gestured towards the door, “Want to go look for him?”

“Sure, why not?” he said “It’s not like we’ve got anything better to do.”

\---

They left in a hurry, quickly putting on their sandals and skipping down the stairs, not really in a rush but still wanting to find their friend as soon as possible. It was warm outside and Hinata noted that summer was on its way to Tokyo- the sticky, warm air made Hinata’s face itchy and he wanted to get back to his room fast.

The city was a changed place at night-- quiet and peaceful-- save for the occasional honk of a car and the hum of trains passing by even this late. Most of the people were asleep at this time and the arc lamps shone dimly to provide guidance to anyone who was out at this hour. Some of the streets were completely devoid of light though, and Hinata tried to steer clear of them as he looked around the place and listened to Komaeda humming a tune to break the silence.

They were a few streets away from the inn when they heard sounds coming from the alley next to them. Hinata jumped when he heard soft whispers coming from around the corner but Komaeda gestured for him to stay quiet, putting a finger to his lips.

“W-what’s going on?” Hinata asked, trying to keep his voice level.

Komaeda shook his head, “I’m not sure. Let’s find out.”

Before Hinata could protest, the boy was tiptoeing towards the source of the sound and Hinata- knowing better than that but not wanting to be left behind- followed him.

He wasn’t sure what he was expecting when he peered into the alley, looking from behind Komaeda’s shoulder, but it mostly certainly wasn’t this. It took him a while to grasp the fact that the silhouettes he saw were of not one, but _two_ , individuals who were standing so close together that he thought they were fighting.

He was about to tell them to cut it out but Komaeda’s hand clamped over his mouth and he snapped it shut. His face went hot when he realized that the people weren’t fighting at all and he silently thanked Komaeda for stopping him.

He couldn’t believe what he was seeing even as his mind had come around to the fact that yes, the two people he was looking at were actually locked in a passionate embrace, their arms going around each other, as they kissed.

Hinata had never seen anyone kiss before. He’d _heard_ rumors about things like that, but he’d never thought anyone would have the audacity to do such a shameful thing in public. As much as he wanted to just erase the fact from his mind, he couldn’t move away and Komaeda seemed to be just as shocked as he stared at the couple, his mouth wide open.

A soft moan spilled from the woman’s mouth and she moved, just enough that her figure became visible under the light and Hinata looked away when he saw that the front of her kimono was open, the neckline falling far too low. He was startled by how oddly colored her hair was- a light shade of blonde and pink that provided a sharp contrast to her red kimono.

Hinata must have moved and hit something as he stumbled back, because a loud clang echoed through the streets and in the silence that followed, Komaeda walked into the alley.

“Matsuda-kun?” he said out loud and Hinata’s attention was immediately drawn back to the boy.

He hadn’t paid much attention to the other person at this point, but when he turned to look at him, he noticed he was looking at Komaeda as if he was an annoying disturbance - which, Hinata decided, wasn’t _that_ far away from the truth.

 “What are you doing here?” the boy spoke in an annoyed manner, tucking his bangs behind his ear.

“Actually, I was looking for Souda-kun but I found you instead!” Komaeda said, sounding surprisingly calm.

The woman standing next to Matsuda laughed then, an insanely high pitched voice that grated at Hinata’s ears, “You barged in on something really private, though!” she exclaimed, “Did it feel good to look at us like that? Did it make you all hot and heavy?”

Komaeda didn’t answer and Hinata realized that the woman wasn’t addressing him at all. Her eyes were fixed on him and Hinata gulped.

“Don’t tease him like that, Enoshima-san,” Komaeda said with an odd smile, “Hinata-kun’s not used to seeing such things.”

The woman named Enoshima titled his heard innocently as if still pondering over his words, “Eh? Who are you?” she asked, looking at Komaeda.

“Ah, you forgot about me,” he said, and shook his head, “But I’m not surprised! It’s been what, eight years now? I’m Komaeda Nagito! We used to live in the same neighborhood when we were young.”

Recognition dawned in the woman’s eyes and she smiled only for a split second before it was replaced by a frown, “I could have sworn you had brown hair…” she mumbled.

“They’ve always been white,” Komaeda corrected mechanically as if he was used to saying it over and over again.

Matsuda huffed as Enoshima began to talk again, speaking in her place, “I don’t know why you’ve started talking to us after being so annoying,” he said, fixing the front of his dirty white yukata which had become rumpled, “Weren’t you looking for a friend of yours?”

Komaeda nodded excitedly and Hinata sighed in relief, “We were just on our way actually!” Komaeda said hurriedly, aware that Matsuda wanted them to leave, “It was nice to meet you, Enoshima-san.”

Enoshima waved at the two of them as they walked away quickly and when Hinata glanced back, he could have sworn the woman winked at him.

\---

They found Souda as they were walking back to the inn, awkward and embarrassed. Komaeda seemed to be lost in thought and Hinata decided it was a normal reaction after seeing your roommate with a woman. Hinata couldn’t get the thought out of his head either and he tried repeating German phrases in his head, hoping it would help. It didn’t, but it did help him revise his lessons again.

It was almost a relief when they saw the pink-haired boy lazily walking back into the inn, his head lowered and a paper bag in his hands. Hinata tried calling out to him but he didn’t listen. Shrugging, the two boys followed after him and into the room where he _finally_ took notice of them.

“Oh? You were out too?” he asked slowly, staring at the paper bag.

“We were out looking for you,” Hinata said, “What took you so long?”

Souda pouted, “What does it matter if I was late?” he complained, “I found…uh an old friend.”

“Ah! Is that why you forgot to bring food too?” Komaeda asked, motioning towards the paper bag, “I’m guessing those are the magazines right?”

Souda’s eyes widened at Komaeda’s words and he swore a string of expletives and bit his thumb, “I forgot! I can’t believe I forgot!” he exclaimed, horrified.

“It’s okay,” Hinata said simply because he had already expected him to do such a thing, “At least you’re back.”

“But you two must be hungry!”

Komaeda sighed, “That’s true. But it’s not an issue! I have some snacks in my room that we could eat.”

“We have some too,” Hinata said, gesturing towards the cupboard, “Let’s just eat those.”

“Ugh all of this is my fault,” Souda muttered, “I shouldn’t have talked to him…”

“Him?” Hinata asked, “Who are you talking about?”

Souda sat down on the floor and heaved a dejected sigh. Hinata and Komaeda joined him.

“It’s just an old friend. He used to be my roommate but we kind of had a…falling out,” he said, looking at the ceiling and avoiding their eyes, “He joined the student radicals and I wasn’t interested in any of that.”

Hinata wondered if that was the reason Souda had been looking for a new roommate in the first place. He most certainly hadn’t expected the student protests to interfere with so much of their personal lives and he found himself growing resentful of the movement.

“What happened after that?” Hinata asked him and Komaeda hummed in agreement, wanting to know.

Souda scratched the back of his head, “We argued a lot. He wanted me to join and when I didn’t he just…he fucking kicked me out of the room. We _shared_ it! And he kicked me out!” he yelled.

Komaeda winced, “That’s really unfair,” he said, “Even if your views were different, he shouldn’t have kicked you out like that.”

Souda shrugged, “Well, whatever, I’ve gotten over it. I have a new roommate now after all!” he said suddenly back to his old joyful self, “Hinata’s so much better than that shitty bastard! Oi! You’ll be my soul friend won’t you?”

“S-soul friend?” Hinata asked, a little horrified, “What’s that?”

“You know. The _bestest_ friend a guy can have. Our souls are joined together by the amazing friendship we have!”

Komaeda grinned, patting Souda and Hinata on the back, “Isn’t that great, Hinata-kun? You get to share a bond with Souda-kun that goes beyond simple friendship!”

Hinata didn’t know if it was a good thing but he smiled and put an arm around his friend’s neck, tugging it affectionately, “Sure, I’ll be your soul friend,” he said, “But you’re going to get us dinner first, aren’t you?”

 ---

_May 2, 1922_

The day after the particular event with Matsuda and his lover marked a full month since Hinata had joined Kibougamine and his classes had been coming along without any problem. He was used to the timetable and he had adjusted fast enough to the heavy load of work they’d been getting. He was also used to walking around the building now without getting lost. He hadn’t made many friends though and it was usually just him, Komaeda and Souda, eating together during recess and occasionally staring at the city view from the rooftop.

Today, Souda had vanished from their sights as soon as recess had started and Hinata didn’t bother going after him because he was used to seeing the boy skip classes. He was used to it already, but somehow he couldn’t help feeling a little nervous when he noticed that he couldn’t spot most of his classmates in the grounds either.

He asked Komaeda about it as they sat on the rooftop but the boy shook his head as he ate his rabbit-shaped onigiri. Usami was a kind innkeeper in that sense, and she usually gave all of the student residents something to take to school. Hinata had gotten kusamochi and he chewed it happily, surprised that the old lady had given him his favorite food.

“I’m sure they’re all still in the building,” Komaeda said when he noticed how Hinata’s gaze kept darting to the grounds where none of the classmates could be seen, “Maybe it’s because it’s so hot outside.”

“Maybe…” Hinata agreed, and finished his food, “How about we go back too? The sun’s making my head burn.”

Komaeda turned out to be right and they found all their classmates huddled together in the middle of the hallways leading to their classroom. Hinata walked over to them and some of the boys waved them over quickly.

“Oi! Come on, you’ve got to listen to what Ishida’s saying,” Yoshi, a boy from their class said as they joined the crowd, a little confused.

“What’s going on?” Hinata asked.

“Ishida found out sensei plans on giving us a surprise test for English!” he answered and pointed to Ishida, a plain looking boy who stood in the middle of the throng.

Hinata shrugged, “It’s been a month since classes started, they were bound to take surprise tests eventually,” he said.

The boy looked at him as if he was crazy and shook his head, “See that’s the thing! Now that we know, no one of us is going to give the test!”

That struck Hinata as odd and he raised an eyebrow, “Not give the test? Why would you do that?”

“Because it’s unfair and no one’s studied for it!” he exclaimed, offended, “You better come with us too or you’ll have to give it alone.”

Komaeda spoke up, a hint of a smile on his lips, “But I don’t see the point in skipping either. The tests count in our final grade. Hinata-kun wouldn’t want to skip the tests just because he wasn’t aware of it beforehand.”

“Are you serious?” Yoshi asked and Hinata nodded.

“I’m giving the test and I’m sure the others wouldn’t want to skip it either,” he said glancing around at his classmates who seemed to be listening to his conversation as well. They looked at him with sympathy and something vaguely resembling disgust. Hinata’s stomach lurched and he took a deep breath.

“You’re crazy,” Yoshi said, “You have no idea what these tests are like, do you? You’re just a goody two shoes! Just because you give the test doesn’t mean you’ll pass!”

Hinata paled and bit his lips, trying to hold back a biting retort.

“You should take that back,” Komaeda said, his voice colder than Hinata had heard it before, “Hinata-kun’s working hard and you’re not one to judge him.”

Hinata was surprised that Komaeda had stood up for him, but really, he shouldn’t have expected otherwise. He smiled at him in thanks and composed himself.

“I’ll give the test even if no one else does. That’s what I want to do and it doesn’t matter if you don’t do the same,” he said and shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant, “I think it’s time for class.”

As the bell rang, Komaeda was the only one who joined Hinata as he went back to class and waited for the teacher to arrive.

It was a little annoying to see that almost none of their classmates came back for the test and in the end, only five students sat on their desks as the teacher handed out the question paper. Hinata looked back and saw that Matsuda had also come, for some reason. Normally, he wasn’t even present in class so it was odd to find him seated so casually in class, staring at the paper in front of him.

As expected, Souda was nowhere to be seen and Hinata shrugged, opening the paper as the teacher clapped his hands to signal that they could begin. The first thing that entered Hinata’s mind was the fact that he didn’t know half the questions on the paper and his mind went blank.

Taking a deep breath, he tried to calm himself before any feelings of panic made him forget the things he _did_ know, and began writing with the hopes that he would at least pass the test if not score very good marks in it.

As he left the classroom, however, Hinata felt worse than he had ever felt in his entire life.

\---

Hinata watched Souda as he read his magazines. He didn’t ask him why he’d run away from class once again, he didn’t ask him why he wasted most of his time reading magazines that did nothing to help his situation, and he most certainly did not ask him why they were sitting in the room without food once again.

What he did ask, however, was whether he could borrow one of his magazines and have a look. He wasn’t sure what came over him but his mind had been going round in circles since last night and he couldn’t really understand why it kept returning back to the same thing: Matsuda and that woman.

He supposed it was because he wasn’t used to seeing things like that, but he _had_ seen it in magazines like these before. It hadn’t intrigued him until this point and he wondered if that was a sign of something very wrong with his mind.

Souda didn’t question him when he asked for the magazines but he could feel his gaze on him as he flitted through countless pages filled with paintings of women in revealing clothes, lying in uncomfortable positions and as much as he wanted to pay attention to them, his eyes kept wandering. He was sure it was normal for guys his age to like stuff like this and given the correct timing, he would have liked them too. But today, he just didn’t feel it.

“You keep going through them like you’re scared someone’s going to catch you reading it!” Souda said after a while, “Don’t you like it?”

Hinata closed the book and frowned as he thought about it, “I’m sure I would have liked it but my mind keeps going blank,” he said, “…It’s like there’s something going around and I can’t get it out of my head.”

Souda put his own book down and stared at Hinata, “Don’t tell me you’re still upset about the test being hard?”

He shook his head, “Nah, I’ll probably pass. It’s not that.”

“Then what is it? C’mon I’m your soul friend. You can tell me!”

Hinata gave it some thought and decided Souda was the best person to ask.

“Uh…is it a normal thing for people to be, you know…kissing?” Hinata said, feeling his cheeks warm up at the idea.

Souda leaned forward, a confused frown on his face, “Is that why you’ve been spacing out all day?” he asked.

Hinata nodded, feeling like a child, and when Souda laughed he decided he might have made a mistake asking him.

“It’s not that common actually,” Souda said, trying to sound serious but his voice gave him away, “I saw it once maybe and that was only when I was walking around Yoshiwara.”

“Yoshiwara?” Hinata coughed, “Isn’t that the…uh red light district?”

Souda grinned smugly, “Yup! I go there sometimes when I’m…stressed.”

“So that’s where you blow all your money, huh?”

“Sometimes I just walk around,” he said, looking away and Hinata figured that meant all the time, “Anyway! Did the kissing thing really interest you? Do you want to do it too, now?”

“No!” Hinata said a little too loudly and slammed his hand on the table in front of him, “I was just wondering about it!”

“That reaction makes me feel like you want to do it.”

“I don’t!” he said and got up.

The magazine fell from his lap and revealed a picture of a couple locked in embrace. Hinata flushed and looked away as Souda grinned slyly and took the magazine in his hands.

“Oi it’s nothing to be embarrassed about!” Souda said, “I feel like that all the time, it’s normal!”

Hinata shook his head and groaned, turning his back to his friend and lying down, “I know it _is_ normal but I’m telling you I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Whatever, man. If you feel like discussing it with me sometime, I’m here for ya!” he said, completely ignoring Hinata’s protests.

Hinata concluded in his mind that he was never going to be discussing anything like that with Souda and closed his eyes. It didn’t last long because Souda clearly wasn’t going to let him off the hook so easily.

“So…who did you see anyway? Was it someone I know?” he asked.

Hinata turned around to face him and made sure Souda could see that he didn’t want to talk about it anymore, “Matsuda and some woman called Enoshima.”

“Enoshima?” he asked, his voice rising to a high squeak, “Holy shit.”

“What?”

“Oh man you’ve been thinking about Enoshima all this time?” he asked, shaking his head sadly and Hinata had the urge to smack him.

“I wasn’t thinking about her! Didn’t I just say that I wasn’t interested?”

“I sure hope that’s the case…you don’t want to get involved with that woman,” Souda said, serious for once, “She’s a demon.”

Hinata thought of how she had winked at him as they’d left and decided that Souda might not be far off from the truth this time. He wanted to ask how he’d gotten to know about Enoshima anyway but a knock on the door interrupted them before he could.

When he opened the door, a familiar head of white hair peeped in and Hinata smiled immediately.

“Komaeda! What are you doing here?” he asked as he let the boy in.

The boy gestured to the black thermos he was holding and smiled sheepishly, “I made tea in the kitchen so I decided I could share it with you two,” he said, “I hope I’m not being a bother?”

“Nah!” Souda called out, “Hinata was just reading some ero magazines. He’s been pretty interested in them lately.”

“ _Oi_ Souda! I told you I’m not interested!” Hinata yelled, “Komaeda don’t listen to what he says. He’s just-”

“It’s okay!” Komaeda laughed, “I know boys are interested in things like that, you know.”

“I told you I’m not-”

Souda waved at him dismissively as if he was a child and Komaeda sat down at the table. Hinata sighed and sat next to him, bringing out the cups from the cupboard and setting them in front of them.

“Your tea is the best,” Souda said as he drank it in one huge gulp, “You’re not as wishy-washy as I thought.”

“I’ll take that as a compliment,” Komaeda said with a small nod and set his cup down, “You’re not that bad either.”

“You know, we should drink tea together more often,” Hinata said, casting Komaeda a sidelong glance, “Souda actually acts better when he’s drinking tea for some reason.”

“It calms my soul!” Souda exclaimed and waved the cup in front of Komaeda, asking for a refill, “I’m true Japanese after all.”

“Not with your pink hair,” Hinata said and grabbed the cup from the table.

He took a sip and sighed as the warm liquid slid down his throat. Komaeda’s tea reminded him of home and it was a light, happy feeling. If he ever tried to make it like that, he’d probably end up making it bitter or foul tasting, which the exact kind Souda was prone to making. Even Souda said he didn’t like it so they mutually decided that it was better to go without it if they could.

“Oi, Hinata?” Souda said as Hinata took another sip.

“Hm?” he asked.

“That’s Komaeda’s cup you’re drinking from…”

“Eh?” Hinata said, putting the cup down and looking at it. An identical one was set right next to it and Hinata felt confused, “Wasn’t this one mine?”

“Yours is the one next to it,” Komaeda said with a laugh, “You accidentally grabbed mine…probably since it’s right next to yours.”

Hinata couldn’t help feeling excruciatingly embarrassed at the thought and tried to hide the fact that his ears were turning red, “Sorry…!” he said, “I-it was an accident.”

“It’s no problem, you know! I don’t really mind.”

“Ugh, just take my cup. I haven’t used it,” Hinata said but the boy just shook his head.

“It’s fine! I’ll just use my own cup,” Komaeda said with an easy smile, “It’s not like it’s dirty or anything.”

Hinata was about to protest but Komaeda took the cup in his hands and took a quick sip- and the words died in Hinata’s mouth. He wasn’t sure what made him stare at the boy when he drank the tea, but he couldn’t help feeling as if he was looking at something embarrassing.

No one else seemed to be making a fuss about it so they lapsed into silence as Souda read his magazine and Komaeda drank his tea, taking small sips at a time. Hinata’s eyes kept darting back to the white-haired boy and the cup he held in his hands, thinking of how his lips went to the exact same spot his own had been a while ago. For some reason, his heartbeat sped up.

The third time Hinata looked at him, their eyes met and Komaeda smiled warmly as if there was nothing wrong about the fact that his friend kept looking at him curiously. He took a large gulp of his own tea, when he felt his throat drying up unreasonably, and tried to distract himself but it wasn’t much use.

Souda began to say something but Hinata couldn’t really focus on what he said because his head felt like it was spinning and his heart was beating unbearably loud in his chest.

 _There must have been something in the tea…_ Hinata thought, and shoved his cup away, not wanting to drink any more of it.

“Is something wrong Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked when he looked at Hinata and found his face flushed red, “You look sick.”

Hinata quickly shook his head and looked away, “I-I’m fine! I think the tea was just too hot.”

“Really?” the boy said and leaned forward, “I hope that’s the case.”

A thought passed through Hinata’s mind and he immediately felt ashamed of himself, “Don’t worry about it!” he said, hoping he didn’t sound flustered.

Komaeda didn’t pry further and Hinata couldn’t meet his eyes for the rest of the time he stayed in their room. He was sure that finding your friend’s lips soft and wondering what it would be like to kiss them wasn’t something that was considered _normal_ and even after Komaeda left --smiling as he always did--the thought didn’t leave his head.

He sighed and lay down on the floor, staring at Komaeda’s cup which was still resting on the table. Maybe he was just tired.

 

 


	5. Results

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From this world I think  
> That there is nowhere to escape.  
> I wanted to hide 
> 
> In the mountains' farthest depths;  
> But there I hear the stag's cry.  
> -Fujiwara no Toshinari

_27th June, 1922_  
 _11th year of the Taisho Era_

Time was prone to flying by so fast that no one really noticed, but when the teacher handed out the date sheets for the exams, Hinata felt for the first time that he wasn’t ready. Of course he had known the exams would start eventually but when he stared at the sheet and saw that he only had the coming week to prepare, he felt overwhelmed.

The teacher pushed back his glasses and stood up from his chair. Everyone turned their attention back to him as he spoke.

“Stand and bow!” he said in a loud voice and everyone did as he was told. Hinata pressed his hands to his sides and inclined his head like the diligent student he was and watched out of the corner of his eye as the teacher left.

Everyone started talking as soon as he was out of earshot range and Hinata turned to look at Komaeda, who sat next to him.

The white haired boy leaned over from his desk and gave him a helpless smile, “They’re a little too early this year, aren’t they?”

Hinata sighed and folded his sheet in half before putting it in his bag, “Yeah. How are we even going to revise all this stuff in a week?”

“We’ll make it work somehow,” Komaeda shrugged as he got up from his seat, pulling his bag out from under his desk.

Hinata followed him as they left the school, hearing murmurs of all his classmates complaining about the hellish schedule they’d have to go through.

“Easy for you to say…” Hinata said as they walked along the path they were so used to know, the trees and roads all seemed to blur into each other and the smell of food being made in each apartment wafted through the streets, all of the things that they had gotten used to as they made their way back home. “We literally have no breaks between each exam. How will we even survive?”

Komaeda laughed dryly, looking at the road ahead, “That’s what we always say but we do make it through the end, don’t we? Have some faith in yourself!”

Hinata lowered his head and smiled, “You think too highly of me.”

\---

Whatever Hinata might have thought of himself before entering Kibougamine, it most certainly didn’t escape his attention that he was having a really hard time keeping up with school now. The few tests he’d given before the exams had been horrible and he’d barely passed them. He could hardly finish his homework on time and, along with everything else he had to do, he just couldn’t manage to cram everything into his head in just one week. They still had classes and most of his mates skipped them but Hinata couldn’t afford to do that. With the added stress of studying for the exams, he was forced to study for his classes as well.

A week passed and Hinata was ready to pass out from exhaustion. Komaeda, to be fair, looked just as bad which was a surprise to Hinata. The boy’s white skin was paler than he had ever seen it and although he should have expected it, it still came as a surprise that he was working so hard.

His roommate was a different matter entirely, and during the two weeks they had to give the exams, Hinata didn’t bother talking to him much. Souda played his part well and stayed out of the way preferring, instead, to take walks at the oddest hours of the night and sleeping when everyone else was supposed to be studying. Hinata decided it would be a miracle if he even passed, considering he had the same subjects as him, and they were by no means _easy_.

His room smelt musty and deprived of sun, his books were spread all over the floor and on top of his futon which always lay open. His hands had black ink marks that refused to wash away even when he scrubbed them with all his strength. His eyes looked bloodshot. He wondered if maybe that was the reason everyone seemed to avoid him lately but Hinata didn’t care.

As long as he got good grades, nothing else mattered.

Each day he went to school to give an exam, he’d come back tired and irritable. He spent the rest of his day studying for the next exam. Komaeda would study with him sometimes and his presence was a calming factor that kept him going. Seeing his carefree smile and hearing his encouraging words was enough for Hinata to stay rooted- like a seedling that kept growing because it could see the sun shining right above.

He took his words as a silent promise for a time when everything would work out and he wouldn’t have to worry so much. Hinata knew that if it hadn’t been for him, he would have given up working so hard weeks ago.

He didn’t tell him that of course.

\---

Summer struck Tokyo in a sudden wave of heat the last day of their exams and their vacation were announced right after the end of the first semester. Hinata spent most of his time sleeping in his room, trying to restore his depleting reserves of energy. He wasn’t surprised that he slept for eighteen hours straight the first night- running on three hours of sleep for two weeks had all but frayed his mind to the worst extent.

A week passed by so fast Hinata wondered what he’d been doing for seven whole days without even noticing. His heart jumped to his throat when he remembered that the results were out today and he all but ran to school, Komaeda panting and trying to keep pace with him.

He was greeted by a crowd of boys already gathered at the bulletin board outside the school gates and he craned his neck to read the list of names printed on it in dark, thick letters. His eyes scanned the board, starting from the top, hoping to find his name somewhere around there.

He found Komaeda’s first and the other boy smiled a little to see that he was sixth in class. Hinata couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed and nervous as he made his way down the list, growing sicker by the second when he couldn’t find his name anywhere near the top.

He came twelfth in class and Komaeda congratulated him, completely sincere in every word he said, but Hinata could only nod absently, his mouth moving of its own accord and saying words that, he was sure sounded jumbled up and incoherent. His eyes stared at the board and his name- there was no denying that it _was_ his name but he couldn’t believe it even as he walked back home. He lay down in his futon, pretending to be asleep as Souda came yelping into the room, glad that he’d come thirteenth in class without really giving much of a damn.

Hinata felt spiteful and irritated that he’d done only slightly better than Souda despite working so hard and it made him sick to his stomach to know that he could only be this good even when he tried his best. He knew he wasn’t talented and that there was a limit to how well he could do in the things he wanted to achieve. He had resigned himself to the fact that there was no going around that but it still hurt knowing that no matter how hard he tried there would always be people out there who would be better than him without having to try. There would always be people who would stand above him, grinning and smiling, being cheered on by the crowd while he stood behind and watched them enviously, wishing he could be there with them.

He refused to believe he would be left behind with the masses as if he was ordinary, as if his entire existence could be lumped together with countless others who wouldn’t amount to anything in life.

He refused to believe that, and yet when he saw his name on the board-- so far below the top-- it shook something within him. He felt, for the first time, as if his efforts had been wasted.

In the end, the results were enough to make the truth clear to him: he just a mediocre student wasting his energy trying to get what he could never have.

He hated being average and as if by cruel fate, that was exactly what he was doomed to be- nothing special, just another drop in the ocean with no identity of his own.

\---

_7th July, 1922_

Komaeda hadn’t seen Hinata at all since their vacations had started. He had gone to see him after the results but Souda had told him off, saying that he was sleeping. Komaeda wondered if it was even possible for a person to sleep so much. He knew Hinata hadn’t been particularly happy with his result and the look on his face, so heartbroken, his eyes blinking rapidly, had hurt to look at. Komaeda hadn’t realized it immediately and in his ignorance he’d actually congratulated him.

It felt like he’d just made things worse because of it.

He wanted to make it up to him somehow, to tell him that it would work out but he knew such simple words never really healed anyone’s wounds and for a person as serious as Hinata, he was sure that saying something like that would only make him resent him even more. Komaeda felt ashamed but he knew he couldn’t leave him just like that.

It had been four days since then, and just as abruptly as the summer had come, it had started raining. Four days and the rain had yet to stop its mad course of making everything drearier than it already was. Every time he looked out of the window he could only see gray skies and when he lay alone at night, all he could hear was the pitter patter of the rain that refused to let down. He liked rain and he enjoyed taking the occasional walk with an umbrella in his hand, but this time, it felt wrong to do it alone.

He couldn’t stop thinking of Hinata.

Komaeda wasn’t one for making friends, in fact he seemed to repel people with his attitude, and he was fine with it really. He wasn’t sure then, why Hinata’s absence made everything duller and so much more boring than usual.

He liked Hinata. He was a good and sincere person and it was hard to come across such people these days, which is why Komaeda considered it his good luck that he got to be friends with him.

He figured it was his sentimentality and that odd attachment he had formed to the boy that made him walk out of his room the next day--dressed in a newly bought yukata that he quite liked the design of.

He knocked at Hinata’s door and waited.

It opened after a painstakingly long interval during which Komaeda had examined everything on the floor and counted every spider on the wall, and finally he was face to face with Hinata. The boy’s mouth opened slightly and Komaeda smiled quickly, feeling immensely glad to be able to see him again.

“Hinata-kun!” he said, “It’s been a while, hasn’t it?”

The boy looked a little confused but his perplexed expression quickly changed into one of embarrassment, “Oh…hi Komaeda,” he said, and his voice sounded unusually raspy.

“I haven’t seen you in ages,” Komaeda said cheerfully, “Are you having fun?”

Hinata shook his head and moved aside to let him in, “I haven’t really done anything lately…”

“I figured as much.”

“Sit down, won’t you?” Hinata motioned towards the purple cushions that were covered by magazines that Komaeda was sure belonged to Souda. Hinata quickly shoved them aside and sat down.

Komaeda joined him but kept holding his transparent umbrella in his hands. Hinata looked at it questioningly and opened his mouth to ask but Komaeda caught on.

“Oh I wasn’t really planning on sitting inside, Hinata-kun,” he said and pointed toward the window, “It’s such a wonderful day, won’t you come walk with me?”

Hinata clearly hadn’t been expecting anything like that and he coughed a little, before looking away, “I…I’m not really in the mood, Komaeda.”

“Ah, are you still sulking about the result?”

Hinata blanched, “The result?”

Komaeda folded his arms suddenly feeling irked, “It’s been four days since you’ve holed yourself up in your room. I think it’s time you got some fresh air.”

He was expecting Hinata to agree, or get embarrassed maybe, but he most certainly hadn’t planned on him getting affronted. His eyebrows furrowed and his eyes had an uncharacteristically intense look to them.

“I don’t want to go out and that’s none of your business.” he said, meeting his eyes.

“Why are you getting angry Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked despite himself, “I only came here to check up on you.”

 “You don’t have to check up on me I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine to me.”

“Ah, really? And how would you know that?”

Komaeda wondered why Hinata was being so prickly- he’d never seen him act like that.

“You’re acting pitiful. Are you fishing for attention, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda said, feeling the words leave his mouth like barbed wire. He wasn’t sure why he kept speaking like that but he felt angrier than he would have expected.

“Fishing for _attention_?” Hinata’s voice rose in a high squeak, “I’m not doing anything like that!”

Komaeda shrugged, “You’ve been sitting in your room all these days and even Souda-kun is worried about you. It’s really selfish of you to make him worry like that.”

“He’s got nothing to do with this and neither do you. Leave me alone, Komaeda,” Hinata’s voice had dropped to a weak whisper now and Komaeda felt just a little sorry looking at him like that.

“I can’t leave you alone when I’m partly involved in this too.”

Hinata raised his head and looked at him in confusion, “How are _you_ involved in this?”

“I’m not?” Komaeda asked, “Can you really say with utmost conviction that I’m not a part of this? That you’re not being spiteful because you’re _jealous_ that I got better marks than you?”

Hinata stayed silent and Komaeda smiled ruefully, feeling disappointed. He had known it already but somehow the affirmation still felt like a blow to him. He couldn’t believe that of all the people, Hinata would be jealous of him.

He got up quickly before Hinata could say anything and bowed, “I guess I’ll take a walk on my own then,” he announced loudly, “You know every time I looked out of my window I could only think of how miserable you must be, sitting in your room all alone and it made me hate looking at the sky.”

Komaeda walked towards the door and it slid open without any resistance. He wished it would have taken a bit more effort, offer him some excuse to stay but it stood wide open in front of him and he knew he had to leave.

“K-Komaeda,” Hinata said absently when he turned to wave the boy goodbye.

Komaeda thought it might have been the first time he had hated hearing the sound of the rain as he walked back to his room, the silence of the building marred only by the steady fall of raindrops and the occasional cry of a bird singing a lonely song.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my interest in this seems to be dwindling gradually but i'll try to keep working on this. ;____;  
> thanks for reading


	6. Teru-teru bozu

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For your precious sake,  
> Once my eager life itself  
> Was not dear to me. 
> 
> But now it is my heart's desire  
> It may long, long years endure.  
> -Fujiwara no Yoshitaka

_8th July, 1922  
_ _11th year of the Taisho Era_

 

_"Teru-teru-bozu, teru bozu_   
_Do make tomorrow a sunny day_   
_Like the sky in a dream sometime_   
_If it’s sunny I’ll give you a golden bell”_

The voice on the radio crackled with static and a pleasant melody being played on the flute accompanied it. Komaeda chuckled to himself as he looked out of the window. Five days and it was still raining. Even the radio hosts seemed to have gotten tired of the downpour by now and many of them, their voices gloomy and wistful, delivered forecasts for the next two days that said it would still keep at it. At this point, even Komaeda wanted to see the sun; anything would be welcome if it distracted him from the outside view.

 _“Teru-teru-bozu, teru bozu_  
 _Do make tomorrow a sunny day_  
 _If you make my wish come true_  
 _We’ll drink lots of sweet sake_ ”

Komaeda wondered if he should make a _teru teru bozu_ too. He wasn’t one to believe in such superstitions but he was welcome to anything if it meant getting his mind off the events of yesterday.

He didn’t like fighting. He’d never started a fight for one, and he most certainly wasn’t used to feeling guilty about it. He still believed it was Hinata’s fault he got angry in the first place but some part of his mind continued to nag at him, telling him that what he’d done had been childish. And he knew it had been.

The more he thought about it, the more it irritated him that the only reason they were fighting was because they were jealous of _each other_. Komaeda hadn’t realized it immediately and after sulking in his own room for hours, it had finally dawned on him that he wasn’t at all mad about the fact that Hinata had been jealous of him. Rather, he’d been mad because Komaeda was the one who should have been feeling that way, not him.

He wasn’t really sure how it had happened but ever since the argument, he could feel something inside him changing. Hinata was like a mirror that showed him everything that was absent in his self, like a window into his soul that made it so painfully clear how he longed for his life to change and it scared him more than he liked to admit.

He wasn’t at all hard working, he’d never had any dreams and he had never truly felt disheartened by anything bad that happened to him. He was jealous that Hinata had the capacity to have so many dreams and emotions while Komaeda himself was just a mere specter of a human, masquerading as someone who was actually worth something, trying to hide how empty he was.

He had thought he was fine with the way things were in his life, but when he saw the brown-haired boy, trying to hard at everything he did, wanting to do everything as best as he could, Komaeda couldn’t help but feel empty. It was as if he was being mocked by the boy’s sincerity, as if he was silently being laughed at by someone who saw how shallow and meaningless his existence had been until this point.

It scared him how much a single boy could bring about that change in him.

“ _Teru-teru-bozu, teru bozu_  
 _Do make tomorrow a sunny day_  
 _but if it’s cloudy and I find you crying_  
 _Then I shall snip your head off”_

Komaeda shuddered at the last verse, unable to stop the chill that passed through his body. He had heard this song more times than he could count but it always managed to give him the creeps- why did a nursery rhyme have such ominous wordings?

He heard a knock on the door a few seconds later and before he could get up, it was already opening from the outside. The static of the radio kept playing behind him and Komaeda’s eyes widened a little when he saw the bright pink hair that popped into view.

“Souda-kun?” Komaeda said, getting off the floor where he had been lying, so he could take a proper look at him. “What are you doing here?”

He was met with a glare. “Oi, what do you think you’re doing?”

“I don’t understand what you mean,” Komaeda tilted his head to the side. “Did I do something?”

“You argued with Hinata!” Souda said, biting his thumb and making a _tsk_ sound that was fairly loud despite the radio blaring in the background. “I thought you wanted to make Hinata feel better.”

“It wasn’t really my intention to argue with him but it happened and I’m not really sure if I should be sorry about it.” Komaeda said simply and sat up. Souda remained standing, staring angrily at him.

“Hinata’s even worse than he was before! I tried cheering him up, I did all kinds of things but nothing worked! He’s just got that crybaby look on his face like he’s trying too hard not to start bawling but it just ends up making him look kinda dead,” Souda said so quickly that Komaeda was surprised he’d spoken it all in one breath. “And all of it is your fault!”

Komaeda thought of what Souda had said, about how upset he had been and he could imagine it clearly. He’d seen that expression on Hinata’s face before and it was painful to look at. He bit his lip and felt a pang of guilt for being the cause of it.

“I never wanted to hurt Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, lowering his head. “I just wanted to tell him that his attitude about all of it was…wrong, I guess.”

“Wrong?” Souda echoed, “You mean being sad about getting kinda bad marks? …Though I really don’t think they were all that horrible.”

“I don’t see why he has to be so upset about it when the two of us only had a five mark difference over all,” Komaeda shrugged, “The competition is tough, and that’s all there is to it. He lost hope too easily.”

“Man, I don’t know. You were still kind of an asshole to him,” Souda obviously seemed to have lost his anger at this point but he still stood there, hands hanging uselessly at his sides. “You know as well as I do that getting good marks means so much to him. He likes you a lot and it musta hurt when you said…whatever it is you said to him.”

“Did Hinata-kun tell you I visited him?”

“Nah. He hasn’t spoken to me all that much since then but I figured it must’ve been you. You left your umbrella in our room.”

“Oh…I must have forgotten it.”

“Yeah. Hinata kept it near the wall and he keeps staring at it like it’ll make things better somehow.” Souda said.

That thought made Komaeda lose his anger entirely and the only feeling left in his body was of defeat. What was he doing trying to get angry at Hinata anyway? He wasn’t someone who was intentionally hurtful to anyone and if anything, he had always said what was on his mind.

He sighed. “It was stupid of me to do that…I’ll apologize to him.”

Souda sighed too, obviously relieved. “Good! I can’t have Hinata getting all mournful on me. He’s a good guy and it pisses me off when someone’s mean to him.”

Komaeda wondered if those shark-like teeth of his could come into action if he ever hurt Hinata again, “It won’t happen again, Souda-kun. I care about Hinata-kun just as much as you do.”

 “I sure hope you do, you don’t get people like Hinata every day ya know. Trust me, I know.”

“I think I can understand what you mean.” Komaeda said and looked at his hands, feeling like a complete idiot.

\---

There was another knock on the door a few hours after Souda left and Komaeda groaned as he got up. He knew he should be going to Hinata’s room and apologizing but for some reason the boring radio shows seemed _very_ interesting all of a sudden. He knew he was being a coward about it and that he just didn’t want to see Hinata angry at him.

He couldn’t help the way his heart lurched in his chest when he opened the door and saw Hinata standing there, the transparent umbrella in his hand.

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda said, sure that his voice came out as a weak rasp. “What are you doing here?”

Hinata shrugged nonchalantly, not meeting his eyes and shoved the umbrella in Komaeda’s hands. “You forgot your umbrella.”

“A-ah, if it’s that…you could have given it Souda-kun when he came here.” Komaeda said and immediately regretted it. Hinata’s expression turned sour and he moved a few steps back.

“Souda was here?”

Komaeda nodded hesitantly and Hinata bit his lip, his eyebrows furrowing together.

“Did he say I was being pitiful too?” Hinata asked weakly and Komaeda immediately felt horrible.

“No, no! Not at all!” he exclaimed, shaking his head vigorously “Actually he came to call me out for being a jerk to you.” Hinata looked up at him, his mouth wide open and Komaeda smiled gently, “I’m sorry, Hinata-kun. I was just being spiteful.”

“ _Spiteful?_ Why…?” it didn’t seem like he believed Komaeda’s words by the way he was pouting.

“I was jealous of you,” Komaeda said simply and realized how easy it was to say those words. “Simply jealous.”

“What do you have to be jealous of m-”

Komaeda didn’t know why he felt the need to stop the discussion immediately, he felt like if he said something more it would only make Hinata feel worse. He didn’t want that when they were finally talking again.

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda interrupted him and gestured to the window behind him, “It’s still raining and I have my umbrella now…would you like to walk with me this time?”

Hinata looked like he had something else to say but he clamped his mouth shut and nodded tersely, “Sure.”

They walked in silence down the stairs, looking away but not ignoring the other’s presence either. They were used to the occasional silence between them but Komaeda couldn’t help noticing how it seemed so much more stretched than usual, like a fraying thread ready to break. He didn’t like it at all.

They reached the entrance gate of the building and the slanted roof above them provided cover from the rain. Komaeda removed the strap that bound the umbrella and opened it up, waving it above his head like a magical rod and Hinata finally cracked a smile.

“What’re you doing?” he asked, gesturing towards the umbrella that was still spinning above his head.

“Protecting you from the rain!” Komaeda said and stepped closer to him, “You wouldn’t want to get wet.”

“I doubt we’ll stay dry with you spinning it like it’s going to fly out of your hand any second.” Hinata pointed out and Komaeda nodded in agreement, stopping his hand.

He stepped out from under the shelter and the atmosphere around him changed. Komaeda smiled at the steady drumming of raindrops above his head and the warm, moist air that hit his face. Hinata skipped across the pavement and joined Komaeda under the umbrella though his shoulder wasn’t completely protected from the rain. He could see it getting wet and Komaeda jerked the umbrella to his side.

“Oi, you’ll get wet!” Hinata protested but Komaeda shook his head.

“I happen to like the feeling of rain on my skin.”

“You’re just trying to sound cool, aren’t you?” Hinata deadpanned and Komaeda laughed.

They started walking, their shoulders bumping every second and their sandaled feet getting wet from the splashes they made as they stepped on the cold water. It was a relief to be out and he found his spirits lifting with each step, glad that he had finally made up with Hinata.

They were walking across a new route this time and he was sure Hinata hadn’t been here before by the way he walked just a few steps behind- enough to look at where Komaeda was going, but not far enough to get wet. Something brushed against his back and he turned to see Hinata’s elbow touching him. Hinata caught his stare and immediately retracted his arm, a flush rising to his cheeks. Komaeda wondered if that was a habit of his, blushing every time he got embarrassed.

“A single umbrella really is a bit cramped isn’t it?” Komaeda said aloud, looking at the trees that were drooping from the force of the rain, sad and weak but glowing a bright shade of green.

“I would have brought mine if I knew this is what would happen when I’d go to your place.” Hinata replied, puffing his cheeks.

“So you didn’t come to walk with me, then?” Komaeda prompted.

Hinata shook his head, “Of course not! I only wanted to return your umbrella. It looks expensive.”

“Eh…it’s nothing special. They were pretty popular in Nikko.”

“Nikko? Is that where you lived before coming here?” Hinata asked, taking quick steps to keep in step with Komaeda. More water splashed onto their feet and Komaeda felt ticklish.

“Yes. I was born in Tokyo but we moved to Nikko when I was eight,” Komaeda answered immediately. “I came back here to study in Kibougamine.”

“So you came here just like me…” Hinata said absently, his voice fading off at the end.

There was a brief silence after that and they passed by street vendors selling steamed buns and dumplings. Komaeda spotted an elderly man selling _Nikuman_ and immediately walked over to him, the buns smelled inviting. He could see Hinata’s gaze flitting towards the stalls and clearly he was just as hungry as him.

“We’ll have two.” Komaeda said as he approached the salesman.

“You’re not paying for me this time.” Hinata quickly mumbled. “It’s my turn.”

“Huh? What does it matter if I pay?” Komaeda said and the man pulled out two steaming hot buns from the makeshift oven underneath his wooden stand. “They’re just buns.”

“I feel bad about you paying every time!” Hinata exclaimed “Let me pay. I think I have money in my pocket.”

“Ah how about we do this peacefully instead of arguing?” Komaeda suggested and Hinata immediately protested with a ‘I’m not arguing!”

He raised out his hand in front of him “Let’s settle with a simple game of _janken_.” Komaeda said.

Hinata frowned for a second before smiling and raising his own hand, “Let’s do it!”

The street vendor seemed to be amused by the situation and chuckled a merry ‘hohoho’ as the two boys curled their hands into fists and waved them up and down chanting ‘Starting with rock. _Janken pon_!”

Both of them had spread their palms wide open -- paper-- and shrugged.

“It seems like a tie!” they said in unison and waved their hands again.

They tied again, scissors this time and the old man watching them didn’t know who to root for. Komaeda laughed as he shook his hand.

“I’ll have you know I’ve never lost a game of _janken_ before,” he said and Hinata snorted.

“You love showing off, don’t you?”

The old man looked at the steamed buns and saw that they were getting cold. “You kids better hurry! The buns are getting stale!”

Incited by his words, they played again and again and Hinata was almost getting bored when Komaeda drew out a scissor and Hinata drew paper. Hinata brought his hand up in frustration and Komaeda laughed, looping his fingers around Hinata’s and raising them up in victory.

“I won.” Komaeda said simply, not one bit surprised “But you put up a good fight!”

Hinata sighed and stared at their intertwined fingers, a reluctant smile playing on his lips. “Why do I have such horrible luck with this game?”

“Your luck isn’t bad, Hinata-kun. I’m just luckier.”

\---

Hinata didn’t like the way Komaeda kept smiling like nothing was wrong. He couldn’t really understand why he boy had been mad at him in the first place and now that Hinata had gone to talk to him, he couldn’t grasp exactly what felt so odd about all of this. He wasn’t used to seeing this side of Komaeda and he wondered if he hadn’t _really_ understood him well in the months they’d been together.

They had been talking comfortably as they had walked but after they ate the slightly cold buns and sat at a bench underneath a looming tree, they somehow ended up with that aching silence between them again. Komaeda wasn’t looking at him and Hinata kept his head down, his chest feeling tight. He wasn’t used to the silence being awkward and he felt it even more heavily now that the rain had stopped and there was nothing to distract them from each other’s presence.

“Say, Komaeda,” Hinata began and his voice cut through the silence like a knife “Is it a habit if yours to keep stuff to yourself?”

“What do you mean? Do you think I’m hiding something from you?” he asked, his tone carefree.

“I asked you why you said you were jealous of me and you avoided it right away,” Hinata pointed out, leaning forward and balancing his body by holding the bench seat. His hands hurt. “We’re on a walk but you refuse to talk about anything meaningful.”

Komaeda hummed and looked ahead at the open roads, wet and empty, not a single person in sight. Hinata wondered if anyone else was crazy enough to walk out in the rain on a weekend.

“I wasn’t really avoiding it,” Komaeda said after a while “I just didn’t have anything important to talk about.”

It hurt a little to hear that, but Hinata didn’t say anything. They didn’t speak and he could feel each second stretching on so infinitely long that he almost had the urge to get up and go back to his room. Going on a walk with Komaeda had sounded like a good idea at the time but now it just felt like he was trying too hard to talk to Komaeda when he obviously didn’t feel the same way.

Komaeda sighed. “I wish there was some way to make you feel better, Hinata-kun,” he said, “I know you’re still upset about it…the exams.”

Hinata stiffened a little and his heartbeat sped up uncertainly, “I wasn’t trying to be pitiful it’s just…I’ve always tried to work so hard and it never really pays off,” Hinata felt his face heat up saying it out loud “It just hurts to know I’ll never be any better than average. I mean even Souda got almost the same marks as I did without even studying.”

Komaeda looked at Hinata, his gaze piercing like he was trying to read him. Hinata looked away and laughed awkwardly to break the silence.

“You don’t have to worry so much Hinata-kun. All of your hard work will pay back in full measure later on.” Komaeda said in a gentle manner.

Hinata knew Komaeda was trying to console him but he just felt incredibly frustrated at the idea. “Later on? You mean in two or three years from now when none of this will even matter?”

“So you admit that none of this will amount to anything in the long run? That it’s useless to worry about these things so much?”

“I didn’t mean it like that! You know I didn’t,” Hinata groaned, shaking his head.

Komaeda shrugged and gave him a helpless smile. “Well it’s true. Talentless people like us don’t really get anything from working hard.” The fact that his words were said in a matter-of-fact tone made Hinata’s entire body feel cold. “We’ll always be standing at the same place we were supposed to and we can’t change that.”

Hinata was momentarily struck dumb and he looked at Komaeda in confusion, wondering if this was really what Komaeda had thought of him all along. Hinata already knew he was talentless and painfully average but it was like a blow to the head to hear _Komaeda_ , of all people, say it.

Hands shaking, Hinata got up and glared at Komaeda, not knowing why he felt so hurt and betrayed by a person he’d only known for a few months. “How can you say that so calmly? Don’t you want to do something to feel like being alive was worth it?”

Komaeda didn’t answer at first and simply got up, closed umbrella swishing in his hands. A sharp gust of wind blew the falling leaves along with raindrops around them and they clung to their bodies like leeches.

“I don’t want to live my life knowing I couldn’t change anything. I _can’t_ live like that.” Hinata said when Komaeda didn’t speak.

He expected him to stay silent again but, instead, Komaeda walked over to him and smiled, helpless and confused.

“See, this is why I’m jealous of you, Hinata-kun,” he said, his voice barely louder than a whisper “You have such a brave way of looking at things.”

Hinata wanted to move back but standing so close to Komaeda, their arms almost brushing against each other’s, and looking at him smile such a sad smile, he remained where he was. “…Brave?” he echoed.

 Komaeda laughed dryly, “You believe you can go past your lack of talent and make a better place for yourself in life. I can’t think like that…I never have.”

Hinata wondered if that was the reason he’d been acting so differently. He took a step towards Komaeda, feeling like he was looking at the boy for the first time- _really_ looking at him without any judgment or biases and what he found was a boy who was just as lost as him.

“I don’t think I’m brave,” Hinata said finally, “Whatever happens, I just keep chasing after things I can’t have because I don’t think I’d be able to survive otherwise.”

“That’s why I believe that everything that happens to us happens for a reason you know,” Komaeda replied, “After every bad thing, there’s bound to be something good that will take place.”

Hinata saw sense in that but at the same time he couldn’t believe everything would follow such a simple pattern of good and bad. Fate wasn’t always as simple as that, was it? But he could understand why Komaeda would cling to such an ideal. Maybe it was his way of staying happy despite everything.

Hinata instinctively reached out and brushed his fingers across Komaeda’s hand to let him know he understood. “Is that the reason you’re always able to smile?” he asked and the boy looked at him, surprised.

Hinata didn’t look away when their eyes met this time and Komaeda lowered his head, the ghost of a smile creeping on his lips.

“Maybe it is.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> -I'm sure most of you know that a [ Teru-teru bozu](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teru_teru_bozu) is a paper doll that people hang outside their homes, as a prayer that the rain stops. The poem referred to in the chapter is a nursery rhyme about the legend surrounding the teru-teru bozu. You can listen to the basic tune [here](http://www.flutetunes.com/tunes.php?id=495). I happen to like it a lot!  
> -[Janken](http://www.tofugu.com/2012/07/06/japans-most-dangerous-game-rock-paper-scissors/) is basically the Japanese equivalent of rock-paper-scissors.  
> -Nikuman are traditional steamed buns made from dough and meat, generally pork, which is why they're called pork buns in English as well.
> 
> thanks for reading, the plot picks up next chapter and i hope it'll give you something to think about :>


	7. Decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I do not even know  
> how long your feelings will last.  
> My long black hair  
> is all disheveled and, this morning,  
> my thoughts too are in a tangle  
> \- Lady Horikawa

 

 _Nikko_  
1st April, 1925  
14th year of the Taisho Era

The door slid open without warning and Hinata looked up from the book he had been reading. He jumped a little when he saw Komaeda at the front, his face unreadable and his lips pressed in a thin line. They'd only met a few hours ago, and yet here he was, standing in front of him again.

He jumped to his feet and grinned. “Komaeda! What’re you doing here?”

Komaeda walked in, folding his arms across his chest and gesturing towards the room. “What is this, Hinata-kun? Did you really buy a house here in Nikko?”

“I’m paying rent. I’m not that rich, you know.”

Komaeda didn’t move. “The fact remains the same though. You plan on living here now?”

Hinata lowered his head and nodded. “That’s the plan.”

He wasn’t expecting it. He’d always seen Komaeda remain calm no matter what but this time he marched forward and grabbed him by the neck of his shirt, jerking him forward so that their faces almost touched. Hinata wanted to step back and his heart stuttered in his chest- from confusion or something else, he couldn’t say.

In the end, he remained where he was.

“Why are you here?” Komaeda asked, barely keeping his voice level. “What about school? What about your dreams? Are you planning on abandoning all of that?”

“That’s not what I-”

“And for what purpose?” Komaeda continued, unhindered. “If it’s to convince me to go back you’re sorely mistaken. You already know I refused them.”

Komaeda was still holding onto him but his hands shook against his body, barely holding the fabric between his fingers. Hinata prised his fingers away from his clothes and shook his head.

“Would it be too simple for you to believe I got a job here?” he lied. “I heard Nikko had better pays and you know I’ll need that money once I go back. School wasn’t exactly easy on the wallet the last time I remembered.”

Komaeda sighed and looked away, placing a distance between them again. “So you _do_ plan on going back?”

“Once I have enough money, yes.”

Komaeda looked at him again-- his gray eyes scanning his face for any change of expression-- and Hinata knew he’d read him like an open book just like always. “Liar.” He said simply.

Hinata sighed, bending down to put the book back on the floor. “I also heard Nikko is a great place to catch up on with old friends.” Hinata said, not bothering to hide it anymore. He was glad that Komaeda had come to see him even if it had only been to yell at him. It meant there was still something of their relationship intact and that was a good start for now.

Komaeda huffed. “I’m not someone you should be calling a friend, Hinata-kun.”

“Why are you still hung up on that, Komaeda?” Hinata had been expecting but it still hurt when he said it. Their relationship never had been very stable but if anything, he had always considered him a friend. “Do you think I’m still upset about what you did?”

“I know you are, Hinata-kun. That’s why you’re here, to rub it in, isn’t that right?” Komaeda smiled and it was anything but the gentle kind he used to have before. It was a cold, almost crazed smile and it sent a shiver down Hinata’s spine.

“What’re you saying that’s not-” Hinata began, his voice rising in sudden anger but Komaeda laughed, shaking his head.

“I can see it written all over your face, Hinata-kun!” he said, amusement clear in his voice. “You just want to tell me how much I’ve hurt you and that I ended up ruining everything, but you just can’t say it, can you?”

Komaeda’s chest was heaving by now and Hinata stood, hands hanging uselessly at his side. He wanted to deny what Komaeda had said but the words wouldn’t come out his mouth. He knew Komaeda regretted everything he’d done, that much had been obvious ever since the day he’d left but he couldn’t bring himself to say it just yet.

He did feel bitter. He felt angry and he felt hurt. But more than that, when he looked at Komaeda, he just felt the urge to be close to him again, to talk to him and not feel so alone anymore.

“Why don’t you just believe me when I say I came here to talk to you?” Hinata asked, his voice shaking. “Why do you have to make everything so complicated all the time? Can’t we just forget about the past? …I’m sick and tired of running away and always thinking of what could have happened. Can’t we just let go of that and start over?”

Komaeda stared at him, biting his thumb as he did. Hinata waited for him to say something, anything.

He heard him laugh then, but it was barely audible. “That’s what I’ve always hated, Hinata-kun. You make everything sound so easy.”

Hinata sighed. “And you make everything too complicated, Komaeda.”

 

\--

 _Tokyo_  
_8th July, 1922_ _  
_11th year of the Taisho Era_ _

Matsuda knew it was impossible to predict when Junko would visit him and it was always an unexpected encounter, to say the least. This time it was exactly one minute after Komaeda had left the room, and he had been lying on the futon, reading his history textbook.

 A knock resounded through the room.

He didn’t have to get up because the door slid open so fast that it struck the end of the frame with a loud clack. Matsuda lazily turned his head to look at Junko because who else would be so rough with a door that didn’t even belong to her room?

Still wearing her wooden slippers, she marched inside the room and stood in front of Matsuda, her body casting a shadow on the book. He sighed and lowered it, finally meeting her eyes and raising an eyebrow in question.

“You really have a weird sense of timing.” He said as she squatted down next to him and pulled the book out of his hands.

She pouted. “I just wanted to meet you!”

Matsuda inched back as she leaned towards him. “Don’t lie. You never visit me unless you’re troubled.”

Junko frowned and put a hand to her heart in mock distress. “Why would you say that?” her voice quivered “Isn’t it simple enough for you to believe that I wanted to be with you?”

Matsuda would have been glad if things had been as simple as she said- that she actually visited him for the sake of being with him. But with the way things had been lately, he knew he had to quash the hope blooming in his chest. There was no use expecting anything like that.

“You’re not like that these days,” Matsuda shrugged. “Come on tell me what’s bothering you. You want me to help out….right?” he said a little more gently.

 “It’s the movement,” Junko sighed dramatically and rubbed her temples “It’s gaining followers now but it’s not enough!”

Matsuda closed his eyes and sighed.

“I knew it”.

“Eh? Did you say something, Matsuda-kun?” she asked innocently and leaned even closer to him. Matsuda moved back and hit the back of the wall with a soft thump. He took a deep breath.

“It’s nothing.”

“It can’t be ‘ _nothing’_ if you’re not looking at me,” she pointed out and grazed a finger across his cheek, the nail scraping lightly against his skin. “Could it be that you think our little movement isn’t going to be worth anything?”

Matsuda cringed at the way she called it _their_ movement, as if he had any say in this. He felt a surge of bitterness for the woman sitting in front of him- he felt angry that she had dragged him into this when he didn’t want to but he felt angrier at himself for not being able to say no.

He smiled bitterly and met her eyes- light blue and insane. “Why would I think so? I’ve been working with you because I know it’ll work.” He lied.

Junko giggled like a little girl and looped her arms around his neck, pulling him closer to her so that their face were mere inches apart. “That’s what I love about you, you know,” she whispered. “I know you’d do _anything_ for me.”

Matsuda wanted to deny it but he knew it was true. He felt something stir in his stomach and he tried to wash down the feeling of disgust and self loathing that crept within him.

He didn’t say anything and Junko nodded as if that itself was an affirmation to her question. “You’ll do anything for me then!” she decided “So I know that you’ll help me out in making this thing a success right?”

Matsuda nodded weakly.

“Then you probably know that we need money,” she pointed out, her hand slowly caressing his neck and then inching downwards, towards the neck of his yukata. Matsuda shivered. “That Kuzuryuu bastard sounded like a great idea but he’s a yakuza!”

“Does that make a difference?” Matsuda asked, trying to ignore the way Junko’s fingers traced his skin as she leaned in close- teasing him on purpose. “We’re still getting money from them.”

Enoshima’s fingers dug into his skin. “But it’s not enough! We need people who’d be willing to back us up with lots of money and support. And we can’t do that with that yakuza family helping us out. Nobody would want to cooperate with them.”

Matsuda saw sense in that and he knew that it was the main reason the school never really took their movement seriously. He couldn’t have cared less about it but the fact that Junko ate his head about it every day was wearing him down.

He secretly wished they could just work with the Kuzuryuu group -- a yakuza family with no way of actually making the movement credible-- so that the movement would fall apart before it gained any real fame.

He didn’t know what Junko was trying to achieve with this but, knowing her, it was just for the pleasure of seeing the school and the higher ups falling apart.

That would be enough for her to stay happy.

“We could look for alternatives,” she continued, not noticing Matsuda’s attention dwindling. “But we’ll need someone influential to even get into contact with any of the lords and nobles here.”

Matsuda didn’t say anything and Junko stared at him expectantly. Seeing him remain quiet, her expression turned bitter and she pulled him by the shoulder, bringing his face close to hers.

He tried to keep an unaffected expression. “What?”

“You’ll help me out, won’t you?” she asked him sweetly, finger twirling her hair. “It would be awfully _disgusting_ if you couldn’t even do such a simple thing as that. I would be _so_ disappointed.”

 He didn’t know why the idea made him feel so overwhelmingly sad but he clutched her arms and shook his head.

“I’ll do it,” he said, and a smile crept on Junko’s lips. “I’m going to look for someone to back us up. To back up this movement.” _Even_ _when I don’t know what you want with this._

Matsuda expected it but it still made his pulse quicken when Junko smiled at him, so gentle and full of love. He knew it wasn’t real but it still made something swell in his chest- a feeling of hope.

“I knew I could count on you, Matsuda,” she said, her voice barely a whisper “You’re the only one I can trust with this.”

“I know,” he said and smiled tiredly, “We only have each other.”

Junko laughed softly and scooted close to him, her chest touching his. Her hands pulled him towards her. “That’s right. We only have each other,” she said.

Matsuda looked at her and despised the way she seemed to know how much he wanted her, how much he clung to her even though he knew it was foolish. He hated the way she ran her fingers through his hair with something that could almost be mistaken for affection and he hated the way she brought her lips to his and he couldn’t pull away.

He would have thought after all this time he would grow used to it but the swirling mass of confusion he felt every time he touched her was something that he couldn’t get over. When her lips pressed against his, he automatically pulled her closer, his arms grabbing her tightly and she eagerly pushed towards him, her arms exploring every inch of his chest and moving down, towards his thigh and then lower.

 “You know I love you don’t you, Matsuda?” she said in between breaths and they pulled away for a fraction of a second.

He could feel her hands going around his waist and untying his obi. He would have stopped her but he didn’t have the strength to so instead he lowered his head and pulled her closer.

“I know.” he said even though he knew it was a lie.

\---

The walk with Hinata ended with both of them back on speaking terms with each other and it was more than he could have hoped for. He had never intended on telling him about how he’d felt about the boy, about how he was jealous of him, but he couldn’t help it.

Hinata always had a way of making him say things he wouldn’t have said to anyone else.

They stopped by the front of the door and looked at each other, smiling at the eye contact, and Komaeda felt a sudden jab of adoration for the boy.

“I guess I’ll see you?” Hinata spoke up, breaking the silence as if he was afraid of standing here for too long.

Komaeda nodded, reluctantly turning towards his room. “Of course, Hinata-kun. I’ll come by tomorrow if that’s alright with you?”

“O-of course!” Hinata was as eager as always and Komaeda grinned, waving at him.

The boy looked a little lonely as he walked up the stairs but Komaeda didn’t want to bother him by imposing on him- he might have wanted to be alone, after all.

A strong smell of jasmines entered Komaeda’s nose as he walked to his room and he immediately paused in his tracks. Only one person smelt like that and Komaeda knew well enough to stay out of the room when _she_ was inside with Matsuda. Komaeda barely repressed a shudder and looked helplessly towards the stairs.

Hinata was already out of sight.

Sighing, he sat down outside the door, hoping she would leave soon. It was hot and there was no air in the corridors so the only hope he had was to wait it out.

After a painfully long time, during which Komaeda heard several thumps coming from inside the room and he was just about ready to barge in, not caring what he’d be forced to see, the door swept open and Enoshima stepped out, bringing with her the obscenely strong smell of flowers.

Komaeda tried to remain unseen but it was hard when he was sitting right next to the door, his knees pressed close to his chest.

Enoshima looked at him and grinned.

“Komaeda-kun! How are you?” she asked, crouching a little so that their eyes met. Komaeda turned his head to the side, staring at the window ahead.

“I’m fine. I’m sure you had fun with Matsuda-kun, didn’t you?”

Enoshima gasped, bringing a hand to her mouth in shock, “That’s a really obscene thing to say to a lady isn’t it?”

Komaeda cringed at the way she called herself a lady but he smiled and inclined his head, “That was a little forward of me,” he said “But I don’t mean anything bad by it of course.”

“You know you’ve always been like that since we were kids,” she said, tapping her chin with a finger, “So wishy-washy…always so lighthearted about everything. You haven’t changed at all, have you?”

Komaeda was surprised she still remembered that about him--he’d gotten the impression that she didn’t much remember him _at all_ \--and he felt a sting in his chest when she called him wishy-washy. He’d been called that before, and he knew it might be true but it had never felt like a blow to his pride the way it did when Enoshima said it.

It was true that he didn’t have any particular aims in life, he already had what he wanted and there was nothing that posed a challenge in his life. Nothing was exciting and if he had to describe his life in one word, it would have been ‘boring’.

He thought of Hinata, and how hard he tried at everything and how jealous he was of him for that. He’d been right, he was lost and he didn’t know what to do and when Enoshima pointed it out so easily, he felt as if he was wrong for thinking that way.

His hands clenched tightly but he managed to shrug. “A person’s nature doesn’t change so easily, you know. I’m sure you’re aware of that more than anyone else, Enoshima-san.”

Enoshima smiled, “You’re right about that. I haven’t changed much either, have I?”

 _You’ve gotten worse_ , he thought. “You haven’t.” he said instead.

“Now see that’s the thing. If you can’t change…if you’ll always be like this, without any aim in life, don’t you think it’s bound to end up eating you from the inside?”

“I don’t think you need to be telling me that.” Komaeda said and got up, feeling his legs prickle as he did. “I already know.”

Enoshima moved forward and patted him on the head. Komaeda immediately flinched but she didn’t seem to notice. “That’s good then!” she said, grinning widely.

Komaeda turned to open the door when she spoke again, her voice lowered conspiratorially.

“You know, Komaeda-kun, you’re a great kid. It would be so great if you’d help us out too, you know.”

Komaeda slid open the door and saw Matsuda sitting inside, biting his thumb as he stared at the wall. Instead of heading inside, he looked at her and nodded.

“I’ll think about it.” he said.

\---

Matsuda was still sitting with his back against the wall when Komaeda came back. The radio was on, and although it belonged to Komaeda, the two of them more or less shared it. Komaeda didn’t mind and it was always nice to listen to music when the silence between them was too oppressive.

The thing about Matsuda was that he never initiated the conversation, instead leaving it to Komaeda to bring up a topic that might strike his fancy. On the rare occasions that it did, Matsuda was pleasant to talk to. Of course there were still moments when Komaeda felt as if Matsuda felt nothing but disdain for him- the way he looked at him coldly with his black eyes, expressionless as he usually was- always unnerved him.

Tonight, however, he could see that Matsuda was clearly agitated. The magazines he usually read--science and medical journals, comic books sometimes-- were tossed to the side, splayed about in a fit of anger. He was biting his thumb, and it didn’t look like he was listening to the music by the way his eyes seemed glazed over.

Komaeda didn’t know if it would be right to talk to him when he was like that and he didn’t feel particularly good either, so he just took off his shoes near the door, changed his clothes and took out a book to read.

He couldn’t focus on it at all and Enoshima’s voice kept ringing in his head.

Matsuda shifted a little and Komaeda saw from the corner of his eyes, that his attention was directed to him now.

“You met with Junko?” he asked, and Komaeda immediately knew something was wrong.

He put his book down and nodded, turning over to face him. “I was waiting for her to leave the room and she talked to me on her way out.”

Matsuda’s eyes narrowed, “What was she talking about?”

“The same things she usually says. About how wishy-washy I am and how I don’t have much purpose in life.” Komaeda said, seeing no reason to lie. “And then she invited me to become a part of your… _movement_.”

Matsuda stood up, his hands shaking. “Did she really say that?” he asked and Komaeda noticed the fear in his voice.

Of course, Komaeda had always known Matsuda was helping Enoshima out with the student protests. It wasn’t hard to come to the conclusion when she was the one behind all of it in the first place. Knowing Matsuda, he was bound to follow her lead no matter what he had to do- that’s just the way their relationship had always been.

Matsuda must have been wondering if he’d give him out.

But he hadn’t, and he didn’t really plan on it either. It was none of his business after all.

“She did mean it, of course,” Komaeda said, casually opening his book again. He knew that Matsuda would be listening intently, “Enoshima-san’s always serious, isn’t she?”

Matsuda didn’t answer. Komaeda stayed silent for a while before speaking again.

“I was wondering what I should do about her offer…do I accept it or not?”

“Don’t ask me.” Matsuda said, walking towards him, “If she wants you in, you’re going to join her, aren’t you?”

Komaeda grinned, feeling a spark of excitement that Matsuda had come to the right conclusion. “Of course. You probably need my help, after all. Since I’m no longer your poor little neighbor.”

Komaeda waited for Matsuda to speak and watched the boy as he sat down on the cushion next to him, looking at him with suspicion- it was the longest Matsuda had ever held his gaze and he somehow felt unnerved by his eyes.

He finally looked away, passing a hand through his hair and fixing his bangs, “You’re right.” Matsuda said, irritation clear in his voice, “We need your help. The protests still need to become stronger and for that we need money.”

“I’m not as rich as you think I am, you know.” Komaeda said lightly, “My father just owns a few-”

“I _know_ he only owns a few factories.” Matsuda cut in “But that’s not why we need you and you know that.”

Komaeda laughed, “Do you think I’d be able to help you out like that?”

“Your father has contacts with the richest people in Tokyo. I’m sure you could help us out.” He said it confidently but Komaeda could tell he was just putting on a farce.

If Komaeda didn’t agree to this, their movement was doomed.

“I could.” Komaeda agreed, “But why do you think I’ll agree?” He looked at him, raising an eyebrow, waiting for his response.

Their eyes met and he saw the way recognition dawned in Matsuda’s eyes.

The boy smirked. “You’ll do it,” he said, shaking his head as if he was a doctor who had just diagnosed a disease. “…It’s because you’re _bored_. Anything would do so long as you can see something big happen.”

Komaeda smiled even as he felt a sharp stab in his chest. “That’s exactly it, Matsuda-kun.”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you haven't already, i hope you look at the dates because they're important! especially later on haha  
> Komaeda's getting himself into some serious shit :0  
> thank you for reading, i hope you liked this chapter. feedback is always appreciated!


	8. Omen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waiting and hoping for your step,  
> Sleepless in bed I lie,  
> All through the night, until the moon,  
> Leaving her post on high,  
> Slips sideways down the sky.  
> \- Akazome Emon

_August 14, 1922_

Lights flashed, swords were slashed- fake blood splattered all over the stage and the actors playing the samurai fell to the floor. The crowd cheered and cried. People stood up and clapped.

Komaeda simply rolled his eyes because the plot twist had been far from unexpected.

“You know,” he said, leaning forward in his seat “I really think the entire concept of their revenge is a little messed up.”

Yasuda Zennosuke, who sat next to him and Matsuda, frowned. “They wanted to avenge their _daimyo_ after he died. It was their duty as ronin to follow after him and stay loyal to their samurai code.”

Komaeda looked at the middle aged man, dressed in a blue coat and a white shirt, his graying hair swept back and shrugged. Yasuda was his father’s closest friend and benefactor- and the easiest person to give them help, knowing their relationship.

“If their intentions had been purely to avenge him, Yasuda-san, don’t you think the _bushido—_ their samurai code _\--_ says that they’re supposed to take action immediately? Why did they have to wait fourteen whole months plotting it out?”

Yasuda laughed. “Wouldn’t that be so that their plan could have been successful?”

Komaeda smiled, and gestured towards the stage where the actors were splayed across the floor as if dead. The tale of the forty-seven ronin was one that was popular all over Japan, but for some reason Komaeda wasn’t very satisfied with how things were going.

“But you see the samurai are only concerned with following the _bushido_ and staying loyal to their daimyo.” Komaeda said a little irritably as the crowd got up and cheered.

The stage actors stood up one by one and posed as the elegant samurai they were playing. It had been more than five hours since they’d been sitting in the _Kabukiza_ theatre and the play was finally over. They hadn’t been able to discuss any important matters but it was only a matter of time.

Matsuda looked over at him meaningfully.

Komaeda continued. “If they had really been concerned with wanting to avenge their master they would have killed Kira immediately and not cared if they had suffered defeat at the hands of their enemy.”

 Matsuda huffed and pointed at the stage where fake blood had been splashed across the wooden panels. “Who cares? They would have died either way.”

Yasuda patted Matsuda on the back and nodded, “That’s a valid point. Who cares what the details were as long as we know they’re samurai who simply wanted to avenge their master? After all, a master less samurai is as good as dead anyway.”

Komaeda got up, finally clapping along with the rest of the crowd before leaving, “Indeed, isn’t that the fun thing about theatre and storytelling? That we get to explore the good and the bad aspects of it?”

“That is true, Komaeda-kun.” Yasuda said and gestured towards the crowd that was retreating already, heads raised proudly as if to emphasize their noble stature. “But shall we discuss this over dinner instead of arguing in the Kabukiza?” he laughed to play it off but Komaeda knew the man was getting impatient.

Most of the people visiting the Kabukiza were the rich upper-class people of Tokyo and Komaeda wouldn’t have expected to be sitting at this place in the first place, if it hadn’t been for Yasuda’s invitation. He hadn’t expected to be watching _Kanadehon Chūshingura_ \- the play about the forty-seven ronin- but it was a welcome distraction from his real task.

“You’re right,” Komaeda agreed, looking in Matsuda’s direction as he spoke. “Let’s discuss this over dinner, Yasuda-san.”

\---

Hinata was wondering where Komaeda was as he lay in his room and stared at the ceiling, feeling more bored than he’d felt in ages. The boy hadn’t visited them the entire week and every time him and Souda had gone over to his room, he was either asleep or out on a walk.

Summer vacations were supposed to be fun but he had nothing to do here and Souda wasn’t providing much company lately. He kept staring at the door as if he expected someone to show up- his face grim and wistful.

He was about to ask what was wrong with the boy --he’d been like that for a whole week now-- when the door burst open and Souda screamed. Hinata, who had been lying on the cushion, his head right next to the table, bumped his head on the firm wood as he jerked up in surprise.

He squinted, staring at the doorway and wondered what exactly he was seeing. A short boy with cropped, bleached hair stood near the door, an angry scowl on his face. His attention was diverted to his bright blue yukata for a few seconds and he wondered why in the world anyone would want to wear one with a lightning bolt pattern.

He shook his head and decided to focus on who he was, rather than how horribly bad his taste in clothing was.

“ _Kuzuryuu?”_ Souda spoke, his voice rising shrilly, “What the fuck are you doing here?"

The boy, apparently named Kuzuryuu, marched forward --his sandals scratching against the mats-- and stood in front of Souda, not bothering to even glance in Hinata’s direction. “I need to talk with you.”

Souda folded his arms across his chest as he stood up and met the boy’s glare with his own. “I’ve got nothing to talk to you about.”

“Tch. I’m not looking for a fight, Souda. Just…hear me out.” His voice turned softer and Hinata noticed how innocent he looked without a scowl on his face- almost like a child.

Something about Kuzuryuu’s way of speaking must have made Souda soften a little too because he groaned, rubbing the back of his head before gesturing towards the cushion next to Hinata. “Fine whatever. Get this over with right now.”

Kuzuryuu didn’t move. “I was hoping we could talk….somewhere _private_?”

“Why?” Souda said and Hinata felt a little like he was prying on something personal. He wanted to leave but it was hard to do that without looking like an idiot.

_Besides, it’s my room too._

Kuzuryuu jerked a thumb in Hinata’s direction and clicked his tongue. “Who the fuck is he anyway? I don’t want to talk with him around.”

That offended Hinata a little. “H-hey!”

Souda stepped towards Kuzuryuu, surprisingly imposing for once. “He’s my soul friend, you bastard! And he’s not going anywhere so if you have anything to say, say it in front of him.”

Kuzuryuu looked like he wanted to argue but thought better of it and sighed. Souda quirked an eyebrow and waited.

The boy made another sound of irritation before cursing and crouching to the floor. He splayed out his hands in front of him.

“I’m sorry about the shit I did,” Kuzuryuu mumbled, his head still down. “It was horrible of me and I was being selfish when I kicked you out of our room.”

Hinata looked at Souda whose mouth was hanging open now, as if that wasn’t he had been expecting at all. He watched Kuzuryuu raise his head just the slightest, looking at Souda out of the corner of his eyes.

“So?” Kuzuryuu asked when Souda didn’t say anything. “Don’t you have _anything_ to say?”

“What am I supposed to say? Do you want me to forgive for kicking me out when I had nowhere else to go?” Souda spoke finally and his voice was full of hurt. “I _trusted_ you but you sure as hell didn’t care one bit about me!”

Kuzuryuu raised his head, his expression torn. “I know I was an asshole for doing that and there’s no way you’d want to forgive me…I’m sorry.”

“Did those bastards finally kick you out of their movement?” Souda asked, laughing dryly. “Is that why you’re coming back to me, huh?”

Kuzuryuu didn’t answer and looked away. Hinata saw the way Souda’s expression fell and felt sorry for him.

“They don’t need me anymore.” Kuzuryuu agreed. “But that’s not why I’m here. I don’t expect us to be friends again after what I did but I just wanted to get it off my chest.”

“Well you got it off your chest.” Souda said, glaring at him stonily. “That’s the end of it.”

“Oi! I didn’t mean it like that!” Kuzuryuu stood up “I really am sorry…what do I need to do to make you believe me?”

Hinata didn’t really know anything about Kuzuryuu but even he could tell the boy was genuinely sorry.

“Souda, I think you should listen to him,” he ended up saying, “Haven’t you been feeling down all this time because you miss him?”

Souda coughed. “Who the hell said I missed him?”

Kuzuryuu tried to hold back his smile and looked down, scuffing his foot over the mat. “Is that true?”

“Hell no!” Souda was getting rile up now, his face turning red. “What’re you going on about, Hinata?”

“You looked pretty sad to me. Isn’t Kuzuryuu the friend who kicked you out?” Hinata asked, rubbing the back of his head where he’d hit it on the table. “The one you met a few days ago too?”

“Why do you still remember that? Souda whined.

“That’s not important. But it’s true that you’ve been out of it since then…just be honest with him, Souda.”

Kuzuryuu lowered his head again, kneeling on the floor again. “Souda…forgive me, dammit!”

“Why are you pressurizing me?!” Souda yelled but his lips quirked up nevertheless.

Hinata laughed. “You’re smiling, Souda! Just hug it out already.”

Hinata could tell Souda wasn’t very happy about the idea and he made frustrated noises in the back of his throat.

But he didn’t run away.

Kuzuryuu got up- his face flushed a little as he walked towards an unwilling Souda. Hinata stayed where he was, watching the two of them stare at each other until Souda finally sighed and pulled the boy into a hug, squeezing Kuzuryuu’s body tight.

“Shitty yakuza.” he said softly “Why do you have to be so persistent?”

\---

It only took a little effort and some help from Hinata to get the two on speaking terms again and when they did, it was like the two of them hadn’t been apart at all. Hinata figured it was a good thing- Kuzuryuu might be the heir of a yakuza, and he certainly sounded like one, but Souda liked him and that made him a good person in Hinata’s books.

He had a feeling his group of friends had just expanded a little more even though Kuzuryuu was trying his best to ignore him, swiftly turning his head to the side whenever they made eye contact.

They were having a conversation about the finer points of reading ero magazines --Kuzuryuu sounded surprisingly against it-- when Hinata looked out of the window. He could see the sun going down and it was always nice to look at but his attention was immediately caught by a head of white hair further down.

He stared, his eyebrows furrowing when he realized it was Komaeda, but that wasn’t the oddest thing about the sight. Walking right next to him was Matsuda, and the two of them seemed to be talking about something as they headed into the building together.

Hinata looked away, thinking it was best not to give it too much thought. What Komaeda did with his free time was none of his business, but he still couldn’t help but wonder.

He heard a knock on the door a few minutes later and Hinata jumped up to open it, his heart hammering in his chest. He smiled when he saw that it was Komaeda and let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding.

It had been almost a week since he’s visited and he’d almost started to think he’d done something to make him avoid him. It was a relief to know that wasn’t the case.

“Look who’s back!” Souda exclaimed, “I thought you had a fight with Hinata again or something.”

Komaeda shook his head, and joined them, nodding politely to Kuzuryuu when their eyes met. “I’ve just been busy with a few things.”

Kuzuryuu stared at him. “Who’s he?” he asked Souda.

“This is Komaeda.” Hinata answered in his place. “And Komaeda, this is-”

“-Kuzuryuu Fuyuhiko-kun, isn’t that right?” Komaeda grinned.

“How the fuck do you know who I am?” Kuzuryuu asked, as if he was someone who was hardly ever noticed. Hinata was very doubtful about that given his presence.

Souda scoffed. “Who _doesn’t_ know about you, Kuzuryuu? Your family’s yakuza.”

“Okay, that’s kinda true…”

“So what brings you here, Komaeda?” Souda asked, turning his attention back to the boy. “And why are you dressed so fancy?”

Hinata had noticed it too, the way his hair was swept back and looked more tame than usual, and the obviously expensive dress shirt he was wearing. He looked almost businesslike but still the same Komaeda he knew and that fact made his face heat up a little. He almost wished Komaeda was wearing his simple green yukata again, if only because it didn’t make his heart stammer in his chest so much.

“I was just out with Matsuda-kun.” he said, grinning happily as he did.

“You look awfully happy about that.” Hinata noted, unable to help his curiosity. “Did something good happen?”

“We just had dinner with a friend of my father’s. Matsuda-kun had something he wanted to discuss with him and it turned out well in the end.”

Kuzuryuu made an odd noise at the mention of Matsuda’s name and when all three of them turned to look at him, he waved them away. Hinata still noticed the way he narrowed his eyes when he looked at Komaeda after that.

“What did you guys discuss?” Souda asked lazily, clearly making small talk out of formality.

Komaeda looked up at the ceiling, as if in deep thought. “Something about funds for the school’s cultural festival!” he said lightly and Hinata wasn’t sure why, but he felt like there was something odd about that statement. He could quite place a finger on what it was though.

“Eh, really?” Souda said, only slightly interested. “Are you sure?”

Komaeda nodded and turned to Hinata, still smiling. Hinata gulped and looked away, feeling oddly shy. “Do you know about the forty-seven ronin, Hinata-kun?” he asked suddenly. “We watched the play today and it was pretty good.”

“I’ve read the book,” Hinata said, eyes subconsciously going towards the pile of books in the corner of the room. “But watching the play must be different.”

“It was! It would have been nice if you’d been there too.” Komaeda sighed wistfully. “Let’s go together, next time!”

Hinata smiled because making plans with Komaeda always felt so natural. “Sure, it would be fun.”

Souda narrowed his eyes. “You’re starting to loosen up, aren’t you, Hinata? You never would have agreed to going out anyplace if he’d said it was few months ago.”

Hinata looked to the side and thought about it. Komaeda was smiling at him.

 “I guess that’s true.” He said with a quick nod.

\---

They talked for a while, joking about nothing in particular, making fun of Souda and listening to Kuzuryuu argue with him about the smallest of things. It was a nice change, and Hinata realized he could get used to this comfortable companionship, simply talking and enjoying each other’s presence.

He’d never thought about it until now but their presence was changing him and he was sure it was changing them too. It was a soothing thought, to know that he wasn’t alone and that his being there actually mattered to them.

The sun set without anyone noticing, and it wasn’t until Kuzuryuu started yawning that they realized it was getting late. Komaeda left, waving goodbye and said that he’d be back tomorrow. Hinata saw him out, waving as he did.

It was only after he was lying down in bed, leafing through his student guidebook to look up the school’s events for the year, that he realized what had felt so wrong about what Komaeda had said earlier.

Kibougamine never had cultural festivals.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> komaeda's shady and hinata Knows
> 
> you can find a detailed summary of the tale of the forty seven ronin [ here](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Forty-seven_Ronin)


	9. Yoshiwara

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the guard’s fires  
> Kept at the imperial gateway–  
> Burning through the night,
> 
> Dull in ashes through the day–  
> Is the love aglow in me?  
> -Onakatomi no Yoshinobu

_August 14, 1922_  
11 th year of the Taisho Era

“So when will you be back?” Hinata asked Souda as he hefted a bag over his shoulder.

They stood at the Shinbashi train station and Souda’s ride back to his hometown had already arrived. The steam rolled over the huge metal vehicle painted in green and yellow stripes and Souda cast a withering glance at it.

“Dunno,” he shrugged “Probably in a week or so. I’ll miss the Obon celebrations by the time I get to Kyoto so I’ll have to make it up to them by staying with them for a bit longer.”

Komaeda patted Souda on the back and smiled. “I hope you’ll have fun, Souda-kun.” he said.

“Yeah I bet,” he grinned, baring his sharp, white teeth. “They must miss me a lot.”

“Like you don’t.” Hinata laughed.

“Oi! I would’ve stayed here in Tokyo for the vacations if they didn’t keep insisting I come home for a while!”

“Right...”

Hinata didn’t really believe him because he’d seen the boy tear up when he’d read the letter that his parents had sent him.  He missed his own family too and he kept in contact with them through letters but he knew that visiting them in the summer would not be a strain on the little money he had. It would also mess up with his parent’s work and he didn’t want to disturb them like that.

A loud whistle echoed through the station and Souda perked up, quickly turning around to see the conductors ushering everyone in. He smiled at his friends and pushed his cap back, ready to go.

“See you in a while!” he said and ran off, waving to them as he got into the train and then from his window in the compartment at the back.

Komaeda and Hinata waved at him and watched the train slowly depart, its carriages rattling on the metal rails. Hinata turned to Komaeda and the two silently left, wondering what they’d be doing for the entire week Souda would be away.

\---

Hinata knew something was wrong with him the moment he came back home from the station with Komaeda. He’d been feeling odd around him for a while now but he couldn’t quite place why he was so hesitant and shy around him now. It was almost as if he was in love with the boy.

Thinking about it logically, it wasn’t normal for boys to like other boys and he knew that somewhere along the line his own confusion had just messed up the feelings of friendship he had for Komaeda. Maybe it was some kind of repressed desire to form a bond with someone that drove him to feel that way.

Maybe it was his mind’s way of telling him that he just wasn’t good enough.

He couldn’t meet Komaeda’s eyes the entire way back and he spent the night holed up in his room, wondering just what was going on with him. He wished he could ask someone about it but the only one he could talk to was the one person he _couldn’t_ ask.

He wondered if Souda would be a better person to consult.

A week passed slowly and Komaeda visited him every other day. It was awkward at times and he could feel the way their conversations dragged on because he wasn’t making much of an effort to speak. Something in his mind kept making him want to cut their conversations short so he could be over with it and be spared the confused mess of emotions he faced every time Komaeda left.

He knew it was unfair to the boy and it wasn’t really his fault he was feeling this way. He couldn’t help noticing the way his smile seemed a little forced at times and Hinata wondered if the boy regretted coming to meet him like this.

He could have said he was sick and that he didn’t want to talk to anyone- he could have made any excuse, really, and Komaeda would have left it at that but he knew that he was perceptive. The only thing that he feared more than lying to Komaeda was him finding out about his feelings.

Komaeda stopped coming after the third time they sat in his room, not saying anything and avoiding each other’s eyes. He couldn’t speak and his breath felt constricted as if he was living in a bubble that was far too small all of a sudden. Hinata couldn’t apologize even though he wanted to and Komaeda looked just as sorry when he left, as if he was disappointed in himself for not being able to talk normally to him.

Hinata wondered if he’d ever be able to speak to him like he used to, again.

\---

_22 nd August, 1922_

When Souda came finally came back, Hinata felt like he could breathe easily again. He didn’t know how he did it, but his being there made him so relieved that he hugged him as soon as he stepped out of the train. His bag dropped to the floor and he froze for a few seconds before hugging him back and patting his head like a child.

The two of them walked home from the station and Hinata helped him carry his bags, listening to Souda ramble about his family and his hometown, his voice slipping into a country dialect when he got too excited.

“Didn’t Komaeda come to see me?” Souda asked as he took off his shoes at the entrance to their room.

Hinata shrugged, trying to ignore the way his heart jumped in his throat at the mention of his name. “Nah. We haven’t been talking much lately so I couldn’t tell him when you’d come back.”

“Eh? You’re not talking to Komaeda?” Souda asked, quirking an eyebrow. “How the hell did that happen?”

“I don’t know. We’re not fighting or anything so you don’t have to worry.”

“I sure hope you’re not,” Souda mumbled as he lay down on the floor and heaved a sigh “It feels like the world’s about to end when you two fight.”

“Don’t worry about it!” Hinata said “Everything’s perfectly alright.”

_I’m just a little confused, that’s all._

Souda shrugged and got up to unpack his bag, shoving everything out and letting it lie in a heap of crumpled clothes and toiletries. Hinata wondered if he should ask Souda for advice.

“Say Souda,” he said before he could over think it and decide not to ask at all “Do you think it’s possible for a guy to like another guy…like _that_?”

Souda turned around and scrunched up his nose as he processed his question. “What? You mean like, romantically?”

Hinata nodded and Souda took a few seconds before flushing a dark shade of red.

“Oi Hinata!” he screamed, pointing an accusing finger in his direction. “Don’t tell me you’re a homo?”

“…A homo?” Hinata asked in confusion.

“A dude who loves other dudes!” he said and dragged a hand across his face “You’re telling me you’re one of them?”

“N-no of course not!” Hinata exclaimed “I didn’t even know what a homo was until you told me!”

“Are you sure about that? Why’re ya asking me then? Are you sure you don’t want to do it with some dude huh?”

“ _Do it?_ What the hell?” Hinata couldn’t help feeling horrified at the thought. He’d been confused, sure, but trying to do anything indecent with Komaeda had never even crossed his mind. “Is that even possible?”

Souda shrugged, “There’s gotta be _some_ way they do it. I saw some ero magazines about it and it was just….really _confusing_.” His eyes were wide as he said and then he shook his head.

“I had no idea…” Hinata muttered, a little relieved that he probably wasn’t one of them. “…So you don’t think it’s possible? To love another guy like that?”

“Eh, who knows? Maybe it’s different for everyone.”

“I’ve never heard of any people who were like that.”

“Why’re you asking me anyway?” Souda asked, regarding him with a firm stare “Are you sure you’re not in love with me or something?”

Hinata coughed. “In love with _you_? Who said anything about that?

“Well you hugged me when you came to pick me up at the station.”

“I was just relieved to see you after a whole week!”

“Doesn’t that mean you love me?” Souda asked, a faint blush rising to his cheeks and Hinata groaned.

“I’m not in love with you! You’re just a good friend.”

Souda looked a little deflated and Hinata wondered if he was okay. He didn’t really want to hurt his feelings.

“I see…so you’re not a homo then!” Souda said, perking up again “Well that’s a relief! I wouldn’t want you kissing me while I slept or something.”

Hinata rolled his eyes and mentally berated himself for feeling sorry for him even for a few seconds. “You don’t need to worry I’m not going to steal your virgin lips in the middle of the night, Souda.”

“V-virgin?!” Souda yelled “I’ll have you know I am _not_ a virgin.”

“Really?” he raised an eyebrow. “Because you sure do sound like one right now.”

Souda began to yell at him and Hinata felt almost relieved that his roommate was back and things were normal again. Talking with him about his feelings hadn’t exactly worked out as well as he’d imagined but it was a start.

Maybe he wasn’t in love with Komaeda. He was probably just confused.

\---

_25 th August, 1922_

“Shit.” Souda grumbled as he came matching into the room, a scowl on his face. “Dammit, why does this always happen to me?”

Komaeda and Hinata looked at him exchanging confused glances. “What happened?” Hinata asked.

“Kuzuryuu fucking _betrayed_ me, that’s what!” he yelled, shaking his head and sitting down.

Hinata got up and walked over to the boy who looked like he was ready to cry any second. “Uh…what exactly happened?” he asked, trying to sound comforting. He had no idea what Souda was going on about but if it involved Kuzuryuu, it was bound to be no good.

Souda grumbled and slumped on the floor, lying face first and whining into the mats as if that would make him feel any better. Hinata looked helplessly towards Komaeda, who shrugged.

“You can talk to us, you know.” Hinata offered, crouching down next to him and pulling him by the arm so that he could see his face. His cheeks already had the tatami’s pattern pressed into his skin and Hinata bit back the urge to laugh.

Souda groaned. “I gathered the money to finally, _finally_ , go to Yoshiwara and I figured Kuzuryuu would want to come with me but he didn’t! He started yelling at me for being an idiot and now I’ll have to go alone.” Souda said, clearly agitated. “I already made a reservation and now I’ll have to pay for all of it!”

Hinata rolled his eyes because only Souda would have been stupid enough to make plans to go to a red-light district with _Kuzuryuu_ , of all people. He hadn’t known the boy for very long but he did know him enough to be sure that, if anything --out of the four of them-- Kuzuryuu was the one who would be most opposed to going to such a place.

“Ah. That certainly is a problem you’ve gotten yourself into, Souda-kun.” Komaeda said “You should have talked it over with Kuzuryuu-kun before making reservations.”

“I thought he’d come with me! I mean it’s not like he’s going to land any action with that bodyguard of his anytime soon!”

 _Bodyguard?_ Hinata wondered curiously. He’d never heard of any person like that.

Komaeda hummed. “Either way, if Kuzuryuu-kun didn’t want to come, you can’t blame him.”

“I don’t care about that! Tell me what to do about the money!”

Hinata looked at Komaeda and saw an excited light in his eyes. He closed his eyes and groaned, already sure what the boy was going to say.

“That’s easy. Why don’t Hinata-kun and I pool in some money for you?”

\---

Pooling money was one thing and Hinata probably would have agreed to it without anyone forcing him into it, but going to the place concerned was something else entirely. He wasn’t quite sure how it had happened- all he knew was that he was ready to strangle Komaeda and Souda for dragging him into this.

They stood in front of the oddly curving street that led towards the Yoshiwara district and Hinata’s stomach churned unpleasantly, already sure that he was going to hell for this. Souda was practically glowing and Komaeda, as always, looked only slightly amused, a pleasant smile on his lips. He had no idea what the boy was thinking but it scared him to think that Komaeda was interested in things like that.

He shook his head and took a deep breath, following Souda into the arching black gates that looked more like a prison set up than the pleasure quarters. A moat separated the outside to the inner circle of the district and Hinata shivered at the thought that the moat had been made solely for the purpose of keeping the women inside. He didn’t want to go at all, but knowing Souda, he wasn’t going to be able to avoid this.

Souda skipped inside and Hinata followed, taking slow steps as if it would lessen the gravity of what he was about to do. He wasn’t even sure _what_ they were here for, but given the place’s reputation, it was bound to be anything _good_.

“Where exactly are we going?” Hinata asked as they walked across the narrow, muddy street- huts and houses on either side of them. Clothes hung from some of them and he really didn’t want to know what some of the articles swaying in the wind were.

“There are a few quarters down towards the end. They’re pretty cheap!” Souda said excitedly, pointing up ahead where a surprisingly large number of men walked in and out of the buildings.

Hinata repressed a shudder. “And what exactly are we going to be doing there?” he asked, already dreading the answer. Komaeda chuckled lightly beside him.

“We’ll do what all _men_ do!” Souda answered simply and that left more to the imagination than Hinata cared for.

“Just relax!” he added when Hinata didn’t answer. He must have noted the way his face was paling by the minute. “Everyone’s here to have fun, no one judges you for anything!”

Hinata looked around and sure enough, everyone was passing by without a single glance at the three of them.  He wondered how anyone could come out of this place looking so normal but it didn’t help the burning shame he felt. “Th-that’s not what I’m worried about!”

Komaeda leaned towards him, looking at him with worry. “What is it then, Hinata-kun?” he asked. “Are you, perhaps, scared?”

That might as well be the best explanation, he thought, but didn’t say. He turned his face away from Komaeda’s feeling his cheeks burn in embarrassment. How could he stay so calm all the time? Had he done things like this before?

Somehow the thought wasn’t a very pleasant one and it only added to the growing anxiety he felt as they came closer and closer to their destination, the sound of music and people laughing obscenely, ringing in his ears.

The larger quarters at the front gave way to smaller ones at the back, ones that looked like they were barely standing and some of them in better conditions than their neighbors. If Hinata had any doubts about going on, they were confirmed the minute Souda pointed towards a smaller hut, shuttered with black wood panels so that peeking in was impossible and what happened inside would remain a mystery.

They stepped in and Hinata’s nose was immediately bombarded by the smell of tuberoses and a heavy smell of musk. He saw Komaeda wrinkle his nose and eye the interior with distaste.

A single man with heavy-lidded eyes and a pot belly greeted them, ushering them towards the desk where he sat.

“Souda Kazuichi,” the bright haired boy said and extended his hand towards the man. “I have a reservation?”

The man nodded, looking at the register in front of him. “Yes, your host is waiting in her quarters. She goes by the name of Misaki.”

“That’s a wonderful name!” Souda happily said and waited for the man to escort them towards the quarters.

Hinata didn’t know what to expect as they made their way across a narrow corridor, walking single file until it opened up into a room that was barred with wooden beams, like a makeshift cage. Hinata’s stomach lurched when he saw rows and rows of women waiting inside the room, sitting fully dressed in cheap kimonos, their faces painted into white masks.

He knew they were dressed up to resemble the geisha but all he could feel was a sense of pity for the women who looked anything but happy as they regarded them with expressionless faces.

His hand immediately went to grab Souda’s arm to pull him back. Souda looked at him in confusion as the owner called out for the woman named Misaki.

“What’s wrong with you?” Souda hissed.

“I really think we should go back, Souda.” Hinata barely managed to get the words out as a woman came out of the room- not even a woman, a _girl-_ barely the same age as them. “I don’t like this.”

Souda glared at him and turned to Komaeda for help but the boy just looked at him, folding his arms across his chest. “I think Hinata-kun’s right. This looks…horrible.”

The owner, apparently oblivious to their hushed argument, motioned for them to follow, leading them into a small room at the end of the halls. “I hope it’ll suit your needs.” He said and left, shutting the door after them.

The girl called Misaki stood in the middle of the room, looking at them shyly, her head lowered as if she was too afraid to meet their eyes.

“You don’t have to look so afraid, Misaki-san.” Komaeda said, smiling gently and Hinata looked at the boy with a sudden burst of admiration.

“Souda, you can have the money but I really don’t think this is a good idea.” Hinata said quickly, noting the way Misaki looked at the three of them, a hopeful look in her eyes. “She doesn’t look like she wants to do this.” He added in a lower voice.

“Are you kidding me? I came all the way here with you guys just so we could leave?” Souda looked outraged.

“U-um.” Misaki spoke up and her voice was soft, barely above a whisper. “I don’t mind…I am sure you are kind patrons.”

Hinata began to speak, wanting to tell her that she didn’t have to force herself into doing it but his words died in his throat when she deftly pulled the front of her obi open, loosening the kimono from the front. He’d barely caught a glimpse of the pale white skin underneath when he looked away, his mouth dry.

Souda hummed excitedly and patted Hinata on the back. “You can go first, Hinata!” he said, surprisingly oblivious to the fact that Hinata was ready to run away any second. “You look like you want her.”

“Are you serious, Souda?” Hinata yelled, his voice sharp as Misaki walked towards him, taking slow and hesitant steps. “I don’t-”

“If you don’t do it, you know her master’s going to think she pissed you off somehow.” Souda whispered in his ear, serious for once. “And that’s not going to be very nice.”

“Wh-what? Are you kidding me? Why the hell would they think that?” Misaki was just a few inches away from him now, standing there, waiting for him to do something.

“That’s just the way it is, Hinata! You can’t do anything about it.”

Hinata wanted to argue and say that he wasn’t going to do anything to a poor defenseless girl but knowing that Souda was probably right, he turned to look at her.

She stood in front of him and held Hinata’s hand gently. He was surprised at how soft her skin was when she brought it to the front of her chest, gliding it across her clothes and then towards the inside, parting it under the neck to reveal the smooth white skin underneath. His breath caught in his throat and his heart hammered unbearably loud in his chest.

He wanted to pull back but when he looked at the girl’s face and saw the long eyelashes framing her eyes, her small lips focused intently on trying to make Hinata feel good, his stomach sank. He’d never been this close to a girl before --never touched one so intimately-- and no matter how much he wanted it, it would have been wrong.

She looked miserable and there was no way he would touch her like that.

He didn’t know her, he wasn’t even sure if Misaki was her real name, but all he knew was that she was anything but happy doing this. He looked towards Komaeda and saw the boy watching them, surprisingly unaffected. Hinata’s face was already flushed touching the girl’s bare chest but when his eyes met Komaeda’s, his heartbeat stuttered in his chest and he wished he could bury himself somewhere no one could see him. Komaeda looked away and huffed and Hinata’s face burned with a feeling of sheer mortification.

Just knowing Komaeda was there, probably feeling disappointed in him, made his chest hurt and he closed his eyes, not wanting to see more.

“I…I don’t want this,” he found himself saying to the girl. “Don’t you want to stop?”

He felt the girl’s hold on his wrist slacken. “You don’t look happy and it’s unfair for you to do this with someone you don’t even care about.”

The girl watched him for a while, her red painted lips parting in surprise before her expression began to crumple and she let go of his hand, a tear sliding down her cheek. Her shoulders shook and a sob escaped her lips. Hinata knew he’d done something wrong.

“What- why are you crying?” Hinata asked in confusion. “Did I hurt you?”

He turned to Komaeda, beseeching and he stepped forward, putting a hand on Hinata’s shoulder. “It’s alright, Hinata-kun,” he said quickly, pulling him away from the girl. “I think we should just leave.”

“B-but she’s crying!”

“That’s not our problem.”

“It is! She’s crying because of m-”

“No!” the girl spoke up, her face streaked with tears “I’m…happy. No one is ever so kind to me.”

 _Kind?_ Hinata took a moment to think about her words but he couldn’t understand.

“Can we take our leave now?” Komaeda said quickly, pulling Hinata by the arm. “We’ll make sure to tell the manager how you’ve served us well. You don’t have to worry about that.”

She inclined her head but Souda looked at them in confusion. “What the hell?” he said “What about me?”

“If you would like…I can service you, sir.” She spoke up, bold all of a sudden. “Since you have been so understanding.”

At her words, Souda squealed happily.

Hinata shuddered and took that as a sign to leave, Komaeda still pulling him by the arm.

\---

Hinata didn’t have the energy to speak as they left the quarters, walking fast- Komaeda not letting go of his hand. He didn’t mind but he couldn’t stop the way his heartbeat was ringing in his ears. He was sure it had nothing to do with the fact that he’d just touched a woman’s chest.

They left the district and Hinata noted that the sun was already setting, casting a pink glow to the sky above them. Hinata looked back only once as they left, casting a glance at the huge willow tree next to the gate. People were still going in, large groups of men and a few women, none of them concerned in the slightest that a bunch of teenagers were running out of the place as if their lives depended on it.

Komaeda only slowed down once they’d left and the district was someplace far away, forgotten behind them. Hinata suppressed a shudder and looked at his hand. It was still shaking.

“Where do you want to go, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda finally asked as they slowed down to a stroll, walking aimlessly through the emptying streets, the arc lamps shining above them.

 _Anywhere is fine as long as it’s with you,_ he thought and caught himself before he said it. “Wherever you want to go.”

“That won’t do, you know!” Komaeda laughed “At this rate we’ll just end wandering like lost tourists.”

“Doesn’t sound like a bad idea...”

“How about the park next to Mirai Inn?” he suggested.

“Why not?” He said as they made their way towards home and into familiar territory again.

They didn’t speak much on the way but it was a nice, familiar silence, and Hinata was relieved that the odd tension around them had faded to an almost bearable feeling now- his breath came easier and he could almost smile.

And, Hinata didn’t exactly mind the way Komaeda didn’t let go of his hand. As if there was still a danger that he’d go back to Yoshiwara and into the arms of that girl.

Hinata cast furtive glances in his direction every time he thought the boy wasn’t looking, and noted the way his expression was set firm, almost serious, and Hinata wanted to ask what was wrong but he didn’t. His own mind was still reeling with the events of a few minutes ago and he just hoped Komaeda didn’t hate him for it.

They stopped by the park, saw the people leaving now that the sun had set entirely, and walked in- strolling aimlessly through the grassy plains before finding a stone bench a little further away. A tree loomed over it and cast a cold shadow underneath them.

Komaeda finally let go of his hand and Hinata immediately felt the loss of warmth in his fingertips and his palm, still tingling where they had touched. He wished he could reach out again but he stopped himself and sighed, resting his elbows on his knees and staring at the trees ahead and the stone steps leading further away from them towards the pond in the centre.

They didn’t say anything at first and Hinata was fine with that, but in the silence --broken only by the chirping of crickets behind them-- he couldn’t stop the growing anxiety he felt when Komaeda didn’t speak. He kept looking forward, a wistful expression on his face and Hinata’s chest ached.

“That was wild, huh?” Hinata said, awkwardly trying to break the silence. “I really didn’t think Souda would drag us to a brothel…”

“Well that _is_ what Yoshiwara is famous for.” Komaeda said, finally turning to look at him. “But I’m sorry, Hinata-kun…I shouldn’t have asked you to come along.”

“What? Does that mean you would have…done it with that woman? Is that why you came as well?” Hinata didn’t like the thought at all and he looked away, not wanting to see Komaeda’s expression.

“Of course not!” Komaeda wrinkled his nose. “I just went to have a look at the place, just to see what it was like.”

Hinata vaguely thought that he shouldn’t have been half as relieved as he was at the answer. “I didn’t even feel curious, like you did…I didn’t want to see that.”

“Does that mean you don’t like that kind of sensual body, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked, resting his chin on the heel of his palm, watching him with an innocent smile on his face.

“H-how can you say that?” Hinata exclaimed, feeling the tips of his ears burn. “It’s not like that!”

Komaeda laughed. “It was a joke, you know. I could tell you weren’t exactly happy with the arrangements.”

Hinata recalled the way Komaeda had looked away, huffing, and felt embarrassed all over again. “I didn’t want you to see that…”

“I’m sorry you had to go through it…I should have stopped her earlier.”

“But I felt bad for her too, I would have done something if I hadn’t felt so upset by it.” Hinata said, feeling a little useless. “I wish there was something I could have done for her. It’s not fair that those women have to go through that.”

“It’s just the way their lives are,” Komaeda sighed. “They can’t leave it…even if they were to escape for the district, no one would want to keep them, you know.”

“But still…living there for their entire lives and never getting to be happy with someone they truly like…it’s- it’s horrible.”

“You can’t be that quick to judge. Perhaps they do find happiness in their own way?” Komaeda said, smiling again. “Our happiness doesn’t have to be the same as theirs.”

Hinata smiled too, because he knew Komaeda was only making an effort to cheer him up. Just like always.

“You’re always so hopeful…I really like that.”

“I’m glad you think so, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda leaned forward, looking at him gently. “And I happen to like your kind heartedness. It’s not a quality everyone has.”

Hinata would have taken it to heart and believed him, he would have like that, but he didn’t exactly feel kind when he couldn’t even help a single girl. All he could do was feel sorry for her.

“You know.” Hinata spoke up, trying to distract himself and Komaeda turned towards him, their knees touching. “It’s really cool how you managed to look so unaffected even with that woman in front of you.”

Komaeda frowned and raised a hand to his lips, deep in thought. “Was that how I looked? I wasn’t really unaffected by it…”

“You seemed pretty normal to me.”

“That’s probably because I wasn’t looking at her.” Komaeda said, almost as an afterthought.

“Huh?” Hinata asked in confusion. “What else could you be looking at then?”

Komaeda raised an eyebrow, clearly amused. “Haven’t you figured it out yet, Hinata-kun?”

“H-how am I supposed to-” Hinata began but the words paused in Hinata’s throat.

Something rustled in the tree above them, setting some of the leaves falling down towards them. A few stray leaves ended up getting stuck in Komaeda’s hair, like bugs clinging to a bush. It was probably a squirrel, since the air around was still- no wind to shake the trees.

Komaeda huffed irritably and Hinata laughed as the boy tried to pull them out of his hair, not managing to do a very good job.

“I swear, your hair is such a mess.” Hinata laughed and moved his hand to take a leaf out of his hair.

“I really have some bad luck, don’t I?” Komaeda was still laughing as he tried to get the leaves, not noticing that Hinata had already reached out to help him, too.

Their fingers brushed against each other’s and Hinata’s hand paused midair, his fingertips just grazing across the edges of the soft, white hair. Komaeda retracted his hand the same moment but his touch still sent a shiver across his spine. All of a sudden, Hinata was aware of how close they were sitting, how their knees touched against each other’s and how their faces were so close that they could have kissed.

And it was as simple as that.

Hinata had never thought that such a small, trivial thing would be the trigger --that the split second where their fingers had brushed against each other’s and Komaeda’s laughter had stopped like a broken record-- would be the moment that he’d realize he _was in love_ with his friend.

It was so simple and yet it took away the breath from Hinata’s lungs long enough to leave him staring at the boy, looking at his gray eyes and wondering how he’d never realized how beautiful they were before this moment.

Komaeda grinned then, and his world started spinning in the right order again, bringing him back to the park, back to where he was sitting next to Komaeda, knees almost touching, his fingers still tingling where they’d brushed against his. And he felt like he could breathe again.

Time hadn’t stopped for Hinata, but just for the while he wished he could stay like that, experiencing the euphoria of realizing what a first love tasted like on the tip of his tongue.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so the tale of Hinata Hajime's first love Begins
> 
> i really intended this chapter to be funny when i initially planned it but while reading up on Yoshiwara and the women who lived there, i was actually a little horrified at how sad their lives were. So while i was writing it, it more or less deviated from the original plan but i hope it gives enough insight about a regular quarter in Yoshiwara.  
> -you can read up on the place if you're interested [ here](http://travel.cnn.com/tokyo/visit/yoshiwara-300-years-tokyos-biggest-red-light-district-030715) and [ here ](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Yoshiwara)  
> -visuals of the place can be found [ here! ](http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Yoshiwara) It's all pretty interesting and it's cool that there are still some photographs available from the actual taisho period.


	10. Hajime

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Due to that single night  
> Of fitful sleep,   
> Short as a reed’s joint cut at the root from Naniwa Bay,  
> Am I to exhaust myself, like the channel markers  
> passing my days in longing?  
> -Lady Bettō

_August 20th, 1922_   
_11th year of the Taisho Era_

As they walked to school, Hinata noticed that their group had gotten bigger, and he wasn’t sure how it happened but he wasn’t complaining. Along with his two usual companions, a boy with short cropped hair walked beside them, his face held in a perpetual frown as if it made his babyish face look less endearing.

Kuzuryuu had taken to visiting them in their room at the oddest of times and, after school had started, he’d show up at their doorstep, always prompt as if he’d been waiting outside for quite a while. It had confused Hinata at first, and more than a little fearful of his safety, but he’d realized that he was just a good friend of Souda’s and ultimately a friend of Hinata’s as well, now.

The bridge was open today and Hinata thanked the stars that they wouldn’t have to take the alternate route because it was longer and the public was a little disconcerting sometimes, staring at them as if they were oddballs instead of regular high school students at a slightly prestigious school.

The weather had gotten colder now and Hinata was sure winter was on its way, judging from the crisp, dry air that hit their faces as they crossed the bridge, the water rippling slightly underneath.

He sighed in relief as he saw the school building and noted that the gates were open. “At least school’s open today.”

Komaeda laughed next to him as his soft voice echoed in Hinata’s ears. “It really was starting to get boring, staying in our rooms all day.”

“Yeah right,” Souda whined “I was just starting to get used to it.”

Kuzuryuu smacked the back of his head and earned a startled yelp from the boy. “Oi bastard, school’s important too.”

Souda looked at him as if he’d just said the most offensive sentence he’d ever heard. “That’s real rich coming from the guy who got us involved in all this shit in the first place!”

Hinata wondered if this was going to lead to another one of their arguments but the boy just spat on the ground and continued walking forward as if he didn’t want to talk.

Sighing, the three of them followed and walked in, the sound of students mumbling and chatting greeting them as they entered the hallway. It sounded like normal talk at first when Hinata heard them and Kuzuryuu left to go to his own class on the floor above them where the first year classes were, but the closer he got to his own class, he couldn’t help noticing how disconcerted everyone sounded.

Hinata turned to look at Komaeda who seemed just as confused, his eyebrows furrowed as if he was thinking. On noticing the look Hinata was giving him, Komaeda just shrugged and walked towards class- Hinata and Souda followed but Hinata couldn’t shake off the feeling that something wasn’t right.

“W-what the hell?” Hinata muttered as he looked at his classroom or what had been his class. “What happened here?”

He was quite sure it was the same class he’d been studying in a few days ago-- before the students had called a strike and forced the school to shut down for two days-- but he couldn’t grasp what had happened. The windows were shattered and the blackboard had been splashed on with red paint, the words _Shinjinkai_ written right in the middle in thick, crude lines. Hinata’s stomach lurched at the sight of his classroom completely destroyed.

“Shinjinkai…?” Souda mumbled “What the fuck is that?”

Komaeda walked closer to the board and examined it, his face unreadable. “It means ‘new man’s association’,” he said, clearly amused “I think that’s what they’re calling themselves now.”

Komaeda didn’t have to elaborate on who he was referring to- just the sight of the wreckage was enough to tell them it couldn’t have been the work of anyone but the so-called student radicals who’d been responsible for the school closing down so often over the course of just a few months.

“This is getting out of hand,” Hinata said, his head pounding as he looked at the class and walked to his desk which was surprisingly spotless and untouched. “How did they get in here in the first place?”

“Who knows? They might have broken in.” Komaeda said as he joined him and looked at his own desk which was right next to Hinata’s.

His own desk had been broken right down the middle and Hinata wondered just what kind of equipment they had if they could split a solid wood table so easily.

“Ah…” Komaeda said as he looked at the table, his eyebrows shooting up in surprise. “Looks like they wrecked my desk too.”

“Nothing happened to mine,” Hinata said, a little confused at the clear disparity.

“Mine either,” Souda added.

“Strange.” Komaeda said, tapping his chin with a finger.

Hinata waited for him to speak since, judging by his expression, he wanted to say something more but he didn’t elaborate. He couldn’t help noticing how oddly Komaeda acted, looking almost calm as he regarded the wreckage.

“This might be a problem!” he said after a while, laughing lightheartedly as he looked at the other student’s whose desks and belongings had been wrecked too. “We’ll have to go without desks for the while!”

A few of the students just groaned, picked up their bags and left the class in clear irritation while the rest of them stared at the desks and ripped up banners as if they’d fix themselves if they stared long enough.

Kuzuryuu came running in just then, his chest heaving as he looked at the class a little hopefully and Hinata watched his expression change in a split second, turning into an angry scowl as he marched in pointed at the broken desks and tables.

“Your class too?” he asked, shaking his head in disappointment. “What the fuck do they think they’re doing?”

“Seems to me like they’re trying to leave their mark,” Komaeda said, folding his arms across his chest. “It’s like they’re targeting _specific_ students this time.”

Kuzuryuu nodded grimly and Hinata looked at the two of them in confusion. “The rich kids,” he said, “The big-shots and the ones in the main course.”

“The main course!” Komaeda said, his eyes widening in realization. “No wonder.”

“The main course?” Hinata repeated, feeling a little lost as he listened to the conversation.

By the way Komaeda winced, it looked like he didn’t want to explain and Souda whistled, pressing his cap down on his head as if it would fly away any second.

“What-” Hinata began, feeling more than a little left out when he looked at the shared glances pass between the three of them.

A slam on the door cut him off and they turned to see their teacher standing at the doorway, his eyes flitting casually through the classroom as if he’d already seen it before.

“Everyone sit down,” he said, his voice calming. “And anyone whose desk is broken, please share with your neighbor.”

Kuzuryuu shrugged and left the class, biting his thumb as he regarded the class one last time. Souda quickly sat down on his seat as if he was afraid someone else would steal it while the rest of them shuffled around a bit before making agreements on where to sit.

Hinata shifted his seat and made way for Komaeda to bring his chair closer so that he could sit next to him. He could feel Komaeda’s shoulder brush against his and he jumped a little at the contact before finally getting used to it. Komaeda smiled apologetically whenever it happened- as if it was somehow his fault his desk had been broken.

Hinata nudged him on the arm and smiled, handing him a note when the teacher -- trying hard to write on the board without scrawling over the red painted in the middle-- wasn’t looking. Komaeda looked at the note in confusion before opening it, a smile crossing his lips as he read it.

_It’s fun sharing a desk isn’t it? I could fall asleep on your shoulder if I wanted to!_

Komaeda took out a pen from his bag and wrote a reply, carefully keeping it away from Hinata’s line of sight, and passed it into his hand. Hinata couldn’t deny the fact that his heart started beating a little faster as he opened the small piece of paper.

_As much as I’d love it if you fell asleep on my shoulder, I know you wouldn’t do that, Hinata-kun. You’re a diligent student, aren’t you?_

Hinata grinned as he looked at Komaeda-- his hand brushing across his where they were resting on the desk-- and wondered if it was alright for him to be happy about sharing a desk with the boy he was quite sure he liked.

\---

Classes resumed normally and the teachers seemed to be pretending there was nothing wrong with the classroom or the way the students were sitting in small groups, trying to concentrate despite the obvious inconvenience. Hinata tried paying attention too and succeeded for the most part but his mind kept drifting back to the Shinjinkai and the discussion Komaeda had been having with Kuzuryuu just before the teacher had come.

Hinata felt surprisingly hesitant asking Komaeda so he waited and tried to figure it out on his own but it wasn’t much use.  He couldn’t shake off the feeling that Komaeda was keeping something from him and as much as he trusted him, there was definitely something he was trying to hide. With the boy’s involvement with Matsuda and the fact that he’d lied about the school festival, he was sure something was very, very wrong.

Luckily, during the lunch break, a teacher had some work with Komaeda and, taking the moment as an opportunity, Hinata ran straight to the rooftop where Souda and Kuzuryuu were eating their lunches. Despite his appearances, Kuzuryuu had a proper bento prepared for him and Hinata looked at it in envy, wishing he was able to make one too.

Kuzuryuu looked up at Hinata who was still standing uncertainly in front of him. “What is it?” he asked “Where’s your boyfriend?”

Hinata flushed at the accusation. “He’s not my boyfriend!”

Souda chuckled. “Don’t take everything so seriously, Hinata. Who the fuck would want to date Komaeda anyway?”

 Hinata felt a little stung at the thought but he quickly shook his head and sat down. “That’s beside the point,” he said “I wanted to ask you something, Kuzuryuu.”

 Kuzuryuu raised an eyebrow, speaking as he stuffed his mouth with rice. “Ask away.”

“What were you talking about with Komaeda? Something about the Shinjinkai targeting specific students?”

Souda huffed and Kuzuryuu nodded thoughtfully. “I’m not exactly involved with them directly anymore so I can’t say I’m a hundred percent right about this,” Kuzuryuu said. “But these _Shinjinkai_ …they think they’re people who will change the future,” his tone was mocking as he spoke. “They think they’re going to change the system of the school.”

“How does targeting the rich students make any difference?”

“They think the rich kids are favored by the school. They get good grades; get into good universities, and the Shinjinkai think it’s because they’ve got the money to have their way with the school staff.”

Hinata groaned because he couldn’t find himself believing any of that. He just felt incredibly frustrated at the fact that the school remained silent to every accusation that was hurled in its direction. With the student radical movement picking pace and the school being unable to do anything to stop them, they had put classes on indefinite hold until things settled down. Their classes had already been delayed twice now and this was the third time the strikes were forcing them to stay home when all Hinata wanted to do was be over with the school year already.

“How come the school isn’t doing anything to stop them?” he asked, feeling frustration biting down at him. “They just close down every time they strike. It’s not like these Shinjinkai are a _threat_.”

Kuzuryuu laughed dryly and motioned towards the school building. “You see this building? This whole campus?” he asked. Hinata nodded. “It’s only standing here because of all the benefactors who support it by giving them money. You didn’t think it was running entirely because of our fees, did you?”

“Of course not!” Hinata said, feeling a little like Kuzuryuu thought he was a child. “But what does that have to do with the Shinjinkai?”

Souda whistled softly as if he wasn’t very interested in the conversation. Kuzuryuu rolled his eyes. “All the big shot zaibatsu in Tokyo are helping them out. Even the school can’t do anything if their own benefactors are supporting these protests. It’d just shut down if they stopped giving them the money. Sort of like the school’s being held hostage...dammit.”

Souda nodded slowly. “The world kinda runs with money, ya know,” he said, “People like us- we can’t really do anything to change what happens.”

Hinata wondered if that meant that the school was helpless when it came to these protests. He’d realized the movement had been growing stronger but he’d never once thought it would come to a point where the school would be in danger of shutting down. He’d come to this place in the hopes of enjoying a nice high school life but that obviously wouldn’t happen with the threat of the Shinjinkai looming around the corner the whole time.

Hinata shook his head. “I really don’t get it at all. What’s so wrong with the school that they want to change it? It’s unfair.”

Kuzuryuu looked at him as if he was a little slow on the uptake. “Don’t tell me you still don’t know what they’re trying to do? What _we’re_ trying to do?”

 _Ah…so he’s still part of the movement_. Hinata belatedly thought.

“All I know is that they’re pissed about the studies being hard,” Hinata said, feeling a little irritated at Kuzuryuu’s tone and his own lack of knowledge. “Which, I think, isn’t even all that bad a problem when every other high school is like that too.”

Kuzuryuu chuckled and looked in Souda’s direction- the boy had lowered his head, looking away. “Are you for real?” he asked, shaking his head. “That’s not what we’re doing. Haven’t you heard of the main course and the reserve course?”

“Reserve course? Isn’t there just one course for everyone?”

“Nope, there are two actually,” Kuzuryuu explained, getting up to pace around the rooftop. “But they don’t tell you about them until you actually get to the third year of high school because that’s when the real sorting out begins.”

“Sorting out?” Hinata asked, getting more and more perplexed by the minute. He couldn’t stop the feeling of dread that pooled within him when he looked at Souda’s downcast face. “What kind of sorting out?”

“Of the kids who’re actually going places and the ones who’re just common folk,” he said “Did you really think all the kids would graduate Kibougamine with a guarantee of a great future?”

Hinata felt his stomach sinking at the mention of common folk- people like him. “That’s what I’d been told.” he said, his voice growing faint.

Souda shuffled a little closer to Hinata and nudged his shoulder in an effort to comfort him. He looked more serious than he’d ever seen him and Hinata wondered if he felt guilty for not telling him on his own. A distant part of him wondered if he should be angry about it.

“The school pretends it’s fair but they’re really just favoring the rich kids,” Kuzuryuu continued.

“You mean…we’ll be transferred to the reserve course if we’re poor or untalented?” Hinata asked, already sure what the answer was. He could feel himself sinking, as if every hope he had was slowly flying out of his hands, abandoning him.

“Basically,” Kuzuryuu nodded “You and Souda will be headed for the reserve course next year. And me too next year…if I stay that long.”

\---

Komaeda knew the moment he looked at Hinata, that something was wrong. He could see it in the way his eyebrows were knotted together and in the way he spoke in short sentences like he was tired of talking. His shoulders were hunched half the time he looked at him, and there was something altogether _wrong_ in the way he held himself as if he was going to fall down any second. He knew something wasn’t right but there was no way of knowing exactly what had happened.

He tried initiating a conversation as they sat in class, but Hinata simply silenced him by putting a finger to his lips and gesturing towards the teacher who was, as usual, droning on about the various uses of words in different context. 

Komaeda tried again as they were walking back home and Hinata did answer back but he knew he truly didn’t want to. Hinata had done that before, Komaeda knew --drowning people out when his own thoughts were too muddled up to handle-- and the best thing to do was leave him be until he could sort it out, but this time it felt like a silent rejection, a way of telling Komaeda that he’d done something wrong.

And that was the exact problem- Komaeda had no idea what he’d done to make Hinata so upset and even not knowing, he couldn’t help feeling as if something was clawing at his insides.

The next day wasn’t any better and even though the two of them were sitting together, it was obvious that Hinata was ignoring him, or at least that’s what it looked like to Komaeda. He noticed the way the boy fidgeted in his seat every time he moved a little closer to him on purpose and tried to get a reaction out of him. Hinata’s face was red by the time Komaeda’s hand ended up resting a little too close to his thigh but he still didn’t say anything.

Komaeda gave up and slumped on the desk, completely tired, and feeling uncharacteristically depressed.

\---

“What’s up with you?” Souda asked Komaeda when he sighed for the third time in class.

The teacher had asked them to change the seating arrangement because some of the students had been sitting with their friends and didn’t focus on class. Komaeda had gotten up immediately at the order but looking at Hinata’s expression -- hurt flitting through his face as if he’d betrayed him-- he couldn’t stop feeling as if he’d done something wrong. He moved to sit back down but the teacher had noticed and sent him to the table in the next row, only to be paired with Souda.

“It’s just…Hinata-kun’s been acting so weird since yesterday,” he finally said, keeping his voice low so that the teacher didn’t catch them. “Has he been like that with you as well?”

“Oh.” Souda said, pulling his cap low as if to hide his face.

Komaeda frowned. “Did you say something to him, Souda-kun?”

“Uh, not really,” he said, still not meeting his eyes. “Kuzuryuu told him about the reserve course thing and he’s still depressed about it.”

“Oh,” Komaeda felt as if someone had dowsed cold water on him. He was sure Hinata had known about it until that moment but now he couldn’t help feeling as if he’d assumed too much. “That must have been hard on him.”

“He didn’t say a word to me all day,” Souda said and heaved a sigh. “You know how he gets when he’s depressed.”

Komaeda thought about it and didn’t like the fact that he could easily imagine Hinata sitting in his room, aimlessly worrying about what to do, trying to keep his expression neutral. It would still be fairly obvious how upset he was, simply by looking at his face and that hurt expression he wore- as if the world had been far too cruel to him.

It wasn’t even something that was completely in Komaeda’s hands to solve either. It was at times like these that his own lack of experience in dealing with people caught up with him, making him feel like a useless burden to his friends.

\---

He was hoping something would be able to get their minds off the entire mess and the excuse came soon enough, in their last period of school.

The teacher came and started writing on the board but when he looked at the single kanji written down, he smiled.

The single word was scrawled on the board in thick lines, each stroke simple and easy to read. Komaeda already knew how to pronounce it because he’d seen it so many times on Hinata’s notebooks and on the bags that lay in his room.

Looking at them expectantly, the teacher raised an eyebrow as if to ask the students if they could read it. Komaeda cast a glance in Hinata’s direction and saw a tiny, knowing smile on his lips as he regarded the teacher with something akin to amusement. He felt hopeful when he saw that smile, a shared look between the two of them as if everything was back to normal- or as normal as it could get for now.

Komaeda raised his hand.

“It’s read as Hajime, sensei,” Komaeda said out loud and smiled when Hinata grinned in his direction. He heard a snort from right next to him which, Komaeda knew, came from Souda.

“Excellent, excellent,” the teacher said in approval and turned his attention back to the board, pointing at it with his index finger.

“Hajime,” he said “Beginning, genesis but also injury… _wound_. It’s a rather unique way to spell the word ‘Hajime’ since we usually write it like _this_ ,” he said and wrote the alternative kanji for the word.

Komaeda listened attentively but his eyes kept darting towards Hinata every few minutes and he couldn’t contain his relief when his eyes met Hinata’s the first few times. Komaeda noted that Hinata didn’t look in his direction after that, which he couldn’t help but find disappointing.

It was routine for the teacher to assign them the new words they had learnt that day and today was no different. The teacher told them to submit their practiced strokes the next day as usual but Komaeda felt a weight in his chest when the teacher handed him the sheets he had to work on.

His bag felt heavy as he walked back home with Hinata and Souda but he talked to them as he normally would, cheerfully and with a smile on his lips. It was good that Souda liked to talk a lot on some days- it helped ease the odd tension between the other two- a tension that just seemed to keep growing with each passing day. Souda went on about the geisha house he had passed by on one of his walks and then he proceeded to tell him about his newfound love for the most popular geisha there, a woman who went by the name of Sonia.

Komaeda nodded at every word Souda said and he laughed when Hinata made fun of the boy for falling for a woman so easily. Komaeda sighed in relief, noting that Hinata seemed to be acting normally again. It was always a delight to see Hinata so cheerful when he was walking with them, as if there was nothing wrong, as if the entire weight of the world was not resting on his shoulders. He found himself wishing there were more days like this when he walked and talked as if nothing held him back and he was free from everything.

Komaeda knew it wouldn’t always be that way but he hoped for it nonetheless.

“Is something wrong, Komaeda?” Hinata asked him as they sat and ate at the ramen house closest to their inn.

Komaeda noted that he wasn’t ignoring him anymore, which was a something that relieved him more than he would have liked to admit.

The ramen was far too salty today so he took small sips of the soup, trying not to take in too much. He shook his head quickly and earned a groan from Souda who had been splashed by some of the soup that flew when Komaeda dipped his chopsticks in the bowl a little too quickly.

“Nothing’s wrong,” he said and grinned through the noodles in his mouth. Hinata didn’t look convinced but he pointed towards his face.

“Your chin’s getting dirty. You might want to wipe that,” he said with a hint of laughter. “Honestly, Komaeda. Sometimes you just space out.”

“I wasn’t spacing out!” he objected but wiped his chin quickly, flushing a little.

“You were, actually,” Souda said matter-of-factly. “You had this weird look in your eyes like there’s a storm in there or something,”

“That’s very poetic of you, Souda-kun.” Komaeda said, nudging him with his elbow and the boy snickered.

“Ah~ well love does that to people, you know!” he said proudly “Sonia-san has changed me!”

“You haven’t even talked to her Souda,” Hinata said, shaking his head as he ate the noodles.

“But that’s not how love works anyway! You just need to look at them to know they’re the _one_. It’s destiny, Hinata. _Destiny_!”

Komaeda found himself agreeing with his words for once- he was sure it would be easy to know when you find the right person to be with, to love- but he was also sure that Sonia was definitely not the one for Souda.

“Something like that red thread of fate stuff you’re always talking about?” Hinata asked.

 “Yup!”

“I don’t believe you,” Hinata said with an exasperated sigh. “Komaeda, are you listening? He’s actually serious about this.”

Komaeda shrugged, trying not to take sides. “You never know. It might be possible.”

“See? Even Komaeda thinks it’s possible! And he doesn’t even know all that much about love anyway.”

“I might know a thing or two,” Komaeda said, feeling a sting in his chest for some reason. He cast a sidelong glance in Hinata’s direction, looking away when their eyes met.

He knew perfectly well about those feelings, even if he wasn’t one for taking action.

“Oh _really_?” Souda laughed, folding his arms. “I bet you don’t know the first thing about love.”

Komaeda raised an eyebrow. “That would bring me on equal terms with you, wouldn’t it, Souda-kun?”

“Oi! You’re saying I don’t know anything about love?”

His voice was loud and the people sitting in the booths next to them all turned their head in their direction. Hinata smiled sheepishly and waved a hand as if he was embarrassed to be sitting with them.

“Maybe that _is_ what I’m saying.” Komaeda answered, unmoving.

“You’re just saying that ‘cause you don’t understand anything I say! Because you don’t!”

“Oi, you two! Calm down,” Hinata spoke up before Komaeda could laugh at Souda’s childish attempts at arguing. “Everyone’s staring and it’s ridiculous.”

“Who cares what anyone else thinks?” Souda mumbled and Komaeda reluctantly agreed.

“See? That’s better,” Hinata said. “You guys should stop bickering every single day.”

“We don’t bicker every day,” Komaeda argued, meeting Hinata’s frown.

“Stop that!” he hissed and went back to eating his ramen in silence.

Souda seemed to be sulking and he kept stabbing the noodles with his chopsticks. Komaeda decided to eat too before everything went cold.

The silence, however, made his mind wander again and his eyes drifted to Hinata. He liked the way he held his chopsticks between his fingers so lightly that it looked almost casual, but still tight enough that his grip remained firm. He noted that his collars were, as always, closed properly, the golden buttons gleaming under the dim lighting of the restaurant, and he liked the way his hair was standing up even more than usual, still visible underneath his cap.

He thought of his assignment and wondered why he kept thinking of it when he looked at Hinata. Of course the obvious link was the fact that he had to write his name fifteen times on his notebook, but what did that have to do with anything? It was just homework.

Homework that made him more than a little anxious.

 _Hajime_ \- it was a simple word but he decided he wanted to write it perfectly, each and every line-

“Komaeda?”

“Yes, Hajime?” Komaeda answered without thinking and froze.

Hinata’s mouth was open, and he could see his cheeks beginning to dust a light shade of pink that he found rather pleasing, but he was distracted the heat rising to his own face. He gulped down a glass of water to hide his embarrassment but he felt as if it only made things worse.

“Since when did the two of you start speaking on a first-name basis?” Souda asked, glaring at Komaeda and then Hinata, his eyes going to and fro between the two of them.

Hinata looked down.

“We don’t speak on a first-name basis,” he said, trying to sound casual but Komaeda noted the way his voice shook slightly.

“He’s right. It was a slip of the tongue really!” Komaeda spoke up, waving his hands awkwardly. “I was just…thinking about homework.”

Souda rolled his eyes. “Oh my god that’s lame,” he said “I swear, Hinata’s rubbing off on you.”

Komaeda laughed and Hinata did too, both of them a little relieved, but Komaeda couldn’t shake off the feeling that he was falling down a chasm he’d never be able to get out of.

“You’re right,” Komaeda said, trying, but failing to smile. “Maybe he has.”

\---

Komaeda stared at the sheets in front him, all of them filled with every single Kanji he had to practice for the day- all except for the one that read Hajime.

He lifted his pen towards the paper and drew the first stroke, angular and firm, and then the second, and the third. It came so easily, and Komaeda wondered by he had been so hesitant to write it. He couldn’t understand why their teacher had even decided to give them this word to learn when they had already been taught about it in the last year of grade school. He knew everyone had learnt it too and it felt like a cruel twist of fate --a test of his will-- when he had to learn it again.

It was as if the universe was trying to berate him for something he had no control over.

He was perfectly aware that Hinata liked him as something more than a friend- it was so painfully obvious that he couldn’t help wondering how no one else had caught on yet. He’d taken it lightly at first, when he’d realized it he’d just brushed it aside as something fleeting but he knew that wasn’t how it was going to stay if things went on the way they were.

Without even realizing it, Komaeda had started thinking of the boy more and more and he wondered when it had started- the sick, twisted feeling of wanting to be with him, wanting to tell him things he’d never told anyone.

His hands shook as he scratched his pen across the paper and drew the last stroke. It looked shaky and ugly and Komaeda’s face burned just looking at it. If he was going to write it, it had to be perfect.

He didn’t notice when the first sheet filled up, and the second one --crumpled and dotted with inky fingerprints-- lay on the floor, abandoned. Komaeda didn’t understand what drove him to write the word so many times but deep inside, it was obvious that he knew. He knew it so well that it made his chest tighten painfully enough that his hands shook and he felt his vision blur for a few seconds before he took a deep, steadying breath.

It was only because it was _his_ name after all. He couldn’t have cared less if it a name as mundane as Tanaka or Aoi. He would still have thought it was the most beautiful name he had ever heard, a name that defined him in every aspect and made him what he was. He thought of the boy with odd, spiky hair and the way he spoke so casually to Komaeda, how he had never thought even once that he was weird or not worth his time. He thought of the boy who worked so hard despite everything and he thought of the way he had looked so heartbroken when all of that hard work had been in vain.

Komaeda knew by the way his heartbeat sped up every time he thought of Hinata and every time their eyes met, that it wasn’t a simple feeling that could be put into words. He knew that it was something far worse than pure feelings of friendship and that scared him more than he wanted to admit. He didn’t want to ruin things between them. There was a visible distance between the two of them and Komaeda believed it was enough for them to just stay like that.

 _It’s all I could ever hope for_ , Komaeda reminded himself. _Hinata-kun wouldn’t have wanted it any other way._

He knew it was a lie but he tried convincing himself all the same.

Taking another sheet from the pile, Komaeda scrawled the word in large strokes so that it covered the entire page and he looked at it, his chest aching with a sudden sense of loss that he couldn’t reason with. It was silly and he was painfully aware of that but his throat felt dry and his eyes prickled when he thought of Hinata’s bright smile and the sparkle in his eyes when he looked at him with so much fondness that Komaeda felt like he didn’t deserve any of it. And he knew he didn’t. Not when he was doing the very thing Hinata hated the most- lying to him and working with the Shinjinkai.

It had started merely out of boredom, a way to change things, but the more he got involved with them, the more he realized that things were just flying out of his control. He didn’t want to help them, he had no sympathy for their cause- especially when all the Shinjinkai wanted was to wreak havoc.

Komaeda stared at the words written on the paper, the same name written over and over like it was the focus of all his thoughts, and maybe it was.

He felt tired and drained, more exhausted than he had ever felt and he lowered his head to the table, hitting the wood with a soft thud. His skin touched the coarse paper and he closed his eyes- the smell of ink all around him.

 _I’m such an idiot,_ Komaeda thought to himself and let out a ragged breath _._

 _What am I doing?_ He wasn’t sure whether he was thinking about liking Hinata or the fact that what he was doing would ultimately hurt him. Maybe it was both.

The door slid open and Komaeda jerked a little but didn’t move. He knew it was Matsuda and showing him his face right now would have been worse than not looking up.

“Ah…Matsuda-kun?” Komaeda said and he could hear his own voice muffled and thick. “You’re back early today.”

As expected, he didn’t get a reply right away so Komaeda closed his eyes and tried to calm his breathing. He heard the shuffling of fabric and he figured he must be changing clothes. He heard his voice a little later, and Komaeda looked up finally, rubbing his eyes to clear his vision.

“We didn’t have much to discuss today,” Matsuda said and Komaeda nodded even though he couldn’t see him behind the screen.

“Ah I see! Well it’s still late and I was just finishing up with my homework,” Komaeda prattled on to make up for the silence in the room. He hardly ever answered back and Komaeda knew Matsuda had never particularly liked him even in the past but it would have been worse to not speak to him at all.

“We didn’t even get that much homework today,” Matsuda answered as he stepped out from behind the screen, dressed in a loose hakama.

“I know. I just wanted to go to bed earlier because I feel a little sick,” Komaeda lied.

Matsuda shrugged and lay down on his futon, ignoring him and taking out a magazine from his bag. Komaeda started gathering up the papers that were lying on the floor and felt as if he was sinking, his hands and face were cold and he really did feel as if he was going to be sick.

He bit his lips when he saw a single sheet lying close to Matsuda, crumpled and messy. Just as he prayed that Matsuda wouldn’t look at it, the boy’s eyes flitted lazily towards the paper and he picked it up, frowning as he looked at it.

“It’s the homework we got today!” Komaeda exclaimed and crawled over to him, heart beating madly in his chest. “I was having a lot of trouble with it.”

The look Matsuda gave him was clear. _Liar_ , it said, but he didn’t say anything.

“Hajime,” he said as an afterthought. “…That’s your friend’s name, isn’t it?”

Komaeda nodded slowly, feeling as if a knife was dangling above his head, and that saying anything wouldn’t really help his situation.

Matsuda shrugged. “It’s an easy word. I don’t understand why you’re having trouble with it.”

Komaeda laughed, more out of panic than relief. “I guess I’m not feeling too well. My eyes are getting kinda blurry. I should just get to sleep.”

His roommate just grunted and turned his attention back to the magazine but Komaeda didn’t feel particularly happy about it. It was clear by the look he had given him that he knew _._

\---

_August 21st, 1922_

The next morning when he left the room just after sunrise, fully dressed for school, he had a small bag in his hands. His eyes burned because he hadn’t gotten any sleep and his mind had kept wandering back to the pieces of paper that rested in between his notebook, painful reminders of his irrational feelings and the futility of it all.

He had torn all of them in a fit of anger and guilt when he hadn’t been able to distract himself by anything, not even his books, and he looked at the shredded pieces of paper with disgust. Matsuda had stirred in his sleep but hadn’t moved. Komaeda took that as a signal to gather up the mess he had made and a small paper bag was enough to store all of them.

Komaeda found the corridors empty as he walked to the entrance when he heard footsteps and the creak of the stairs above him.

“Komaeda?” a voice called out and his heart skipped a beat. He shook his head and pushed the bag behind his back. “Why are you up so early?”

Komaeda put on a smile even though he knew Hinata would be able to tell it wasn’t a real one. He cursed the fact that the boy knew him so well but he was also glad that he also knew him well enough to not ask him anything.

“I couldn’t sleep last night so here I am.” he said.

Hinata smiled weakly and Komaeda noticed the small red rings under his eyes, as if he’d been crying. “Me either. Rough night?”

“It was so-so,” he said, trying to keep his voice level.

“We still have time for school though,” Hinata said. “What do we do until then?”

“I’d like to take a walk,” Komaeda said. “It might make me feel less likely to fall asleep in class.”

“Want to get something to eat on the way?”

Komaeda was glad that Hinata was speaking to him so normally again but he was sure it wouldn’t last long. He was bound to ask him about hiding things from him, and he knew he couldn’t avoid the confrontation even if he wanted to.

Komaeda inclined his head. “Of course. That would be nice, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata paused for a while as if he had something to say, his eyebrows furrowed in the telltale way whenever he was thinking about something too deeply. He sighed and pointed to Komaeda’s hands.

“What’s that you’re holding?” he asked and Komaeda felt that really wasn’t the question he had wanted to ask.

Komaeda looked at the bag and tried to smile, feeling his lips move of their own accord even when all he felt was emptiness.

“Just throwing away extra baggage, you could say.” he said, feeling every word grate at him like a nail being dragged against a wall.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm so komaeda is probably just as gay...  
> look forward to some development soon! :>


	11. Reserve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It is by its breath  
> That autumn’s leaves of trees and grass  
> Are wasted and driven.  
> So they call this mountain wind  
> The wild one, the destroyer  
> -Bunya (Fumiya) no Yasuhide

_August 21st, 1922  
11 th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata had thought things were getting better- he’d thought that, with the start of the second semester, his hard work would pay off and it had, to an extent. His grades had improved and he was finally getting into the flow of learning things in class. He was glad it was finally working out and seeing his test results had given him hope- he knew he could make it in the top ten in the end of semester exams and it would be as simple as that.

Of course, he should have seen it coming. He should have known that just like everything else in life, it wouldn’t be so easy.  Hinata cursed himself for being so foolishly optimistic because clearly it hadn’t worked out and it wasn’t like him to be so hopelessly optimistic anyway.

The news about the reserve course had been a shock he couldn’t find himself dealing with. He didn’t have even the slightest inkling about its existence until a few days ago and just thinking about it made his stomach coil up, making it hard to breathe. He’d never been one for planning but he thought that just this once, he could make plans for the future and that he had it all figured out.

He would have graduated from Kibougamine, gotten into a good university and eventually found a job that would let him earn the money he needed to support himself and his family. He didn’t know why he’d been so optimistic in the first place but for once, he’d been sure he could have made it- that he’d be able to secure a better future for himself instead of being stuck as an average village boy who knew nothing besides fishing.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said and broke him from his thoughts, like a fish being pulled out water. He snapped his head towards him, realizing that he was still walking with him. “You’ve been avoiding me, haven’t you?”

“I’m not avoiding you,” he said, going for a shrug. “It’s just-”

“Souda-kun told me about the reserve course thing,” he cut in with an apologetic smile “I should have told you sooner.”

Hinata gripped the strap of his bag and stopped in his tracks. Komaeda looked at him in confusion, the bun he’d been eating paused midway towards his mouth.

“Why didn’t you, then? It felt pretty pathetic to find out after I asked Kuzuryuu about it.” Hinata felt a wave of sudden anger at the thought and tried to push it down. There was no point being angry about it now. It was already old news.

Komaeda winced. “I just thought it was common knowledge.”

“You know I’ve only been here for one semester and I hadn’t heard of it even once. How does that even happen?”

“It’s not something people like to talk about. No one’s proud to be a part of the reserve course, after all.” Komaeda said, looking at the bun in his hands as if he was avoiding meeting his gaze.

Hinata felt a sting at the words, and he tried to stop the shaking in his hands but Komaeda noticed, his eyes going wide. “Of course no one’s proud of it,” Hinata said with a wry smile “Who’d want to be lumped together with a talentless bunch of people who can’t even afford to be in the main course, huh?”

“I didn’t mean it like that, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda said, his face paling a little as he took a step towards Hinata. Hinata stepped back, waving him away.

“Don’t worry. I know you don’t mean it like that. It’s just a little pathetic, isn’t it? That I’ll just end up as another reserve…”

“It’s not pathetic, and you don’t know yet if you’ll be in the reserve course anyway.” Komaeda tried to smile but it looked forced. Hinata didn’t bother hiding his frown when he heard his words.

“What do you mean?”

“Didn’t Kuzuryuu-kun tell you about the entrance exams for the main course?” he asked “They don’t just push you into the reserve without a test, you know.”

Hinata tried wracking his mind --memories of hearing about the entrance exam-- but nothing came to mind.

He frowned. “No…he never told me about the entrance exams.”

“Well, before the end of the second year we’ll have an entrance exam for the main course. That’s how they determine who’s talented enough to enter.” Komaeda tried for a smile -more genuine this time- and Hinata found the weight in his chest feeling just a little lighter.

If what Komaeda was saying was true…then he still had a chance to keep everything from falling apart. “But why didn’t anyone talk about the entrance exams?” he asked, unable to keep the worry out of his voice.

Komaeda frowned and looked ahead at the trees lining the path, already turning yellow to welcome autumn. “The Shinjinkai….they’re just trying to make the school look bad. It’s not all that unfair, you know.” he said it with such conviction that Hinata believed him. His reasons for hating the student radicals just kept increasing every day and he wished it would just end already- fall to its miserable end like it should have months ago. He wanted to ask Komaeda about it, whether he was involved with them too, but he decided against it. The boy didn’t sound like he supported them by the way he was talking.

“Then that means that getting into the main course is possible?” he asked instead, not wanting to think about it anymore.

Komaeda moved forward and patted his back gently. “Of course it is,” he said “Your grades have improved so much this semester and you’re working hard. If anyone deserves to make it…it’s you, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata knew it was true that he’d been working hard, but there were times when even that didn’t pay off as it should. Still, when he looked at Komaeda and saw him smiling so hopefully, he couldn’t help feeling his own spirits rise too- even if it were to last for a fleeting moment.

\---

They got the forms a week later- red pages handed out to each student, and just as Komaeda had said, there was a choice to apply for either the reserve course or the main course. Hinata felt relief wash over him and he silently cursed the Shinjinkai for making things so complicated when they obviously weren’t.

Naturally, Hinata ticked the box that said ‘main course’ as soon as he saw it.

He would have expected everyone else to do the same but when he took a glance at Souda’s once they were back home, he noticed that he’d chosen to go to the reserve instead.

“Why would you want to do that?” Hinata asked a little horrified.

Souda shrugged as he changed into his clothes, not bothering to use the folding screen. Hinata kept his eyes away from him as he did.

“Eh, I didn’t want to go to the main. It’s not like I’m smart enough or rich enough.”

Hinata felt a little stung that he’d give up so easily. “You could have tried at least.”

“I know my place, Hinata,” he said, unusually serious as he spoke “Just being here is good enough for me...It’ll work out somehow.”

Hinata wanted to say something encouraging, to ask him to apply for the main course too because it would make their futures so much closer to achieving- but he stayed silent and looked at the paper resting in his hands.

It was a single piece of paper and yet it held so much power.

\---  
 _September 12 1922_  
  
The receiver was pressed to Hinata’s ear yet his father’s voice was still faint on the other side. “Don’t worry about the money!” he thought he heard him say “You just focus on passing the test!”

Hinata’s grip on the phone tightened, his voice coming out strained. “But you know…I could go into the reserve course,” he said halfheartedly and he was sure his father would notice. “It’d be easier that way, wouldn’t it?”

The other side was quiet for a while and Hinata wondered if the call had disconnected. He couldn’t really hear the beeping sound that hung in the air after a call dropped so he assumed he was still there. It was the first time he was calling home, from a phone booth located all the way in Ginza, and his feet were aching from having to stand there, listening to his father’s mechanical --almost foreign-- voice on the other end trying to convince him that what he was doing wasn’t selfish.

He heard a crackle, finally, and Hinata let out a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. A small white puff of air floated around him in the small glass booth.

“Listen to me, Hajime,” his father said, almost sounding angry though Hinata knew that wasn’t possible. “We’re working off our lives for your sake and you better not think it’s pointless. You can do whatever you want and it wouldn’t make us any less proud of you.”

“But-” Hinata began but his father rattled on as if he couldn’t hear him. _It’s still useless if I can’t pass. What’s the point of trying if we can’t even pay for it?_

_I just want to be proud of_ myself _._

Hinata’s voice died in his throat.

“You can go to the reserve if that’s what you want. I wouldn’t hate you and neither would your mother. But we _would_ think it’s a waste for a boy as skilled as you. The world’s in your hands, Hajime. You just need to take hold of it.”

Hinata bit on his lips, feeling a sudden weight on his shoulders. His neck hurt.

His parents had no idea what it was like at Kibougamine --he’d made sure to keep the details out of the letters he wrote them-- and he couldn’t help feeling as if he was letting them down somehow.

“Dad, it’s not like that,” he said, hoping it would suffice as an explanation. “Not anymore.”

He could almost imagine his father’s kindly face turning downwards into a frown. “You’re saying you don’t want to make it big in Tokyo anymore? Is that what you’re saying?”

“No,” he said, unable to keep the childish whine out of his voice. “I don’t mean it like that!”

Despite everything, his dreams were still the same and he wondered if he was slowly losing sight of that and forgetting what he’d come here for. Now that he was so close to getting what he’d only dreamed of, he wasn’t even sure if that was what he wanted.

“Then what do you mean?”

“It’s-” Hinata knew it was useless to tell him. “It’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t sound like nothing to me. Are you doing okay there? Is something bothering you?” his father asked and Hinata noted the way his voice rose in worry.

“I’ll apply for the main course.” Hinata sighed, not wanting to talk anymore. It’s what he wanted, but he couldn’t help feeling as if he was just making life harder for his family.

“Haha!” his father’s laughter sounded forced. “That’s the way it should be, my son! Make us proud, won’t you?”

“I will.” he said, sure that such empty promises would only make things worse.

\---

_September 19th, 1922  
11 th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata’s hands felt cold and he knew it wasn’t because of the fact that winter had made its presence fully known and that their room wasn’t entirely suited for the cold. He shivered a little when cold air slid through the gap between the doors and even though he was wearing a sweater thick enough to make him look fat, his insides felt like they were made of ice.

Komaeda didn’t look much better and his cheeks and nose were flushed red and the gloves he wore on his fingers didn’t seem to be doing a very good job of keeping him warm. Normally, Hinata would have taken a moment to admire just how pleasant Komaeda looked when his face was red, but right now, all he could do was stare at the notebook lying in front of him, and hope that he could learn all of this without forgetting due to the building up stress.

They’d been given a month to prepare- an entire month filled with nothing but studying and cramming things he hadn’t even heard of until this moment into his head- and he still felt it wasn’t enough. He was exhausted, he was tired, his eyes burned and his throat was dry, but he didn’t feel good about it at all. The normal rush of excitement he felt when he tried his best was nowhere to be found and all he felt was emptiness.

A month seemed like too short a time to prepare for a test that would determine the rest of his life.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said as he slammed his book shut and leaned forward, his elbow resting on the table. “Your fingers are turning blue.”

Hinata took a moment to raise his hand in front of his face and frown, “Oh,” he said slowly, wondering if it was normal for them to look so dark and purplish- so _dry_. “I didn’t notice.”

“You’re worrying too much! What’s the use of working so hard if you don’t pay attention to yourself?” he said, irritation creeping into his voice. “There’s no point if you get sick before the exam.”

“I won’t get sick. I don’t get fevers from the cold,” he said simply, turning his attention back to the worn out notebook in front of him. The leather seemed to be coming off the sides and the pages were held together by a single strand of thread now.

Hinata didn’t have to look at him to know that Komaeda was frowning- he exhaled loudly from his nose and tapped his shoulder.

“Komaeda let me study,” he said, feeling a little exhausted at the attention he was getting at a time he really _didn’t_ want to be distracted.

He noticed the boy taking off one of his gloves and waving it in front of him.

“Give me your hand, Hinata-kun.” he said and it didn’t sound like a request.

Before he could protest, Komaeda took Hinata’s hand into his and started to pull the woolen glove over his fingers- it felt a little rough but incredibly warm. Hinata’s face flushed and he tried to convince himself that it wasn’t because of the fact that Komaeda was smiling at him or the way he felt his lingering heat in his fingers, the glove having been on his hand just a few seconds ago.

“There,” he said, looking pleased with himself. “This should keep you warm enough on one hand, at least.”

“You’re crazy,” Hinata said, unable to keep his lips from quirking upwards. “What’re you going to do when you get cold?”

“I’ll survive,” he said “Keep it, Hinata-kun. Think of it as a lucky charm from me to you.”

Hinata decided to believe him and kept the glove even as he slept at night, fitful and restless. The next day when he finally dressed up in his uniform ready to give the test, the glove was still on his hand.

 ---

_September 20 th, 1922_

It really must have proven lucky, Hinata thought as he left the examination hall, his chest finally light and a spring to his steps. Komaeda seemed just as happy and the two of them patted each other on the back, glad that their hard work had paid off.

For a test that was supposed to determine their entry into the main course, it had been relatively easy. Hinata figured it must have been because they’d worked so hard --going so far as to study from things that weren’t in their syllabus until next year as well. Many of their fellow classmates had come out of the hall looking thoroughly exhausted, complaining about how little they knew.

Hinata smiled to himself, glad that he’d prepared and suddenly he could feel his spirits soaring, as if the grey clouds that had been looming over him the past month had finally lifted and he could see the sun again.

Souda was standing outside the gates, waiting for them and Komaeda looked at him raising an eyebrow.

“What’s Souda-kun doing here? Didn’t he have a day off?” he asked.

Hinata pointed towards the gate at the eastern side of the building. “Don’t you see those girls coming out of the building?” he said “He probably came to stare at them.”

 Komaeda chuckled as he looked at the girls all dressed in simple black kimonos left the building, clutching their school bags in their hands. From their clothes it was obvious that they were students of Kibougamine’s girl branch. They had come to give the exams too and Hinata found it a little funny that they were giving the paper in the same hall.

He figured Souda must have been jealous.

They were a few feet away from where he was standing when they heard a voice call out to them- sharp and obnoxious.

“Yoo-hoo! Komaeda-kun won’t you wait for me?” came a woman’s voice and Hinata was sure he knew who it came from.

Sure enough, as he turned around, he saw a woman with blonde hair running up to them, her red kimono fitted so tightly that Hinata wondered how she was even able to run in the first place.

“Enoshima-san.” Komaeda said, his eyes narrowed.               

She caught up to them and stopped, putting both hands on her hips and grinning- her painted red lips glistened. “How was the entrance test?” she asked, breathing a little heavily. “Was it hard?”

“It was good.” Komaeda said simply and Enoshima turned her attention to Hinata, raising her eyebrows.

“And you?” she asked him “How was yours? You look like a goody two shoes to me.”

Hinata shrugged, trying not to feel the scrutiny of her gaze. “It was easy.”

“ _Easy_?” she gasped, raising her hand to cover her mouth dramatically. “I always thought the entrance exams were hard as fuck!” Hinata cringed at her how foul-mouthed she was. “But what do I know, huh? I still have a year before I give mine, after all.”

Hinata noted that she was a year younger than them despite looking like a fully grown woman- he had to appreciate Matsuda’s taste, even if she was more than a little obnoxious.

Komaeda looked a little uncomfortable standing next to her and he wondered he managed to be around her when she visited his room. “Are you waiting for Matsuda-kun, Enoshima-san?” he asked quickly, gesturing vaguely towards the building behind them. “I’m sure he must be free as well now.”

Enoshima waved a hand dismissively. “I didn’t come here to meet him. He didn’t even give the test, you know.”

“Eh? Didn’t Matsuda-kun want to become a doctor?” Komaeda asked, genuinely surprised by the looks of it. “They only offer medical subjects if you enter the main course…”

Hinata frowned at the mention- he’d known about Matsuda wanting to be a neurologist even if it wasn’t exactly a popular field in medicine right now, and he wondered what had come about to make him give up on that.

“I told him not to go so he didn’t!” Enoshima said with a sweet smile. “He was pissed about it for a bit but he gave up in the end.”

“Why would you do that?” Hinata asked, horrified that anyone would want to do something so horrible. “Why did you force him not to go?”

Enoshima looked at him as if she’d found something interesting all of a sudden and inclined her head to the side. “Because he wasn’t going to make it into the main course anyway, silly.”

“Why not? He’s smart enough and he could have made it if he tried,” Hinata said, wondering if he was saying the words for his own sake or Matsuda’s. “You can’t just assume right from the start that he’d fail.”

“Are you for real?” Enoshima asked him, speaking in a childish voice. And then she narrowed her eyes, looking at him closely. “Hey…what’s your name?”

“Hinata,” he answered, meeting her stare with one of his own.

“Ah, Hinata-kun. You’re a really hopeful person aren’t you? You think everything’s possible if you just try hard enough, don’t you?”

Komaeda looked like he would rather be anywhere but here and he realized why he disliked her so much. His gut twisted but he forced himself to meet her eyes and nod. “I do.”

Enoshima smiled, and Hinata had the vague feeling she was mocking him. “That’s so cute!” she exclaimed. “But you’ll find out soon enough that sometimes no matter how hard you try it’s just. Not. Enough. Hard work can only take you so far, you know. After that it’s only money!”

“We really should get going,” Komaeda said, pulling Hinata’s arm when he wouldn’t budge. “Souda-kun’s waiting for us and it’s getting cold. It would be rude to keep him waiting.”

Enoshima shrugged. “The cold doesn’t seem to be bothering him. Gawking at those ladies must have kept him hot enough!” She finished her sentence with a laugh and Hinata gritted his teeth as Komaeda dragged him away.

“Come talk to me sometime, Hinata-kun!” she called after them. “I have a feeling we’d get along perfectly!”

“She’s joking right?” Hinata said, barely keeping his voice level as they walked towards Souda who finally waved over to them.

“I honestly hope so, Hinata-kun,” he said “Just don’t let her words get to you. She doesn’t mean them.”

Hinata was sure she did. After all, she was the one behind the Shinjinkai. That simple fact itself rang more alarms in his head than he needed and he decided he would stay as far away from her as possible.

\---

_December 2 nd, 1922._

The result came around the beginning of December, two weeks after they had given the test. He was glad they wouldn’t be showcasing the results on the bulletin board the way they normally did- instead they were sent to each of the students in envelopes that they could open whenever they felt brave enough. Hinata felt like it was a little extreme to go that far but he kept his envelope in his bag, unable to open it in class.

Komaeda didn’t open his either, deciding that the two of them could do it together, after school was over. He figured it was a good safety measure and they’d be able to save themselves from being embarrased in front of everyone if they didn’t get in.

Hinata prayed it wouldn’t get to the point but he could feel the weight of the envelope in his bag all day, like a snake ready to bite him. He felt a little sick but he tried not to show it as classes went on and he couldn’t focus on anything.

By the time school was finally over, Hinata felt like he’d pass out from the growing anxiety that was creeping up on him and he ran out of the building as soon as the teacher’s footsteps receded.

Komaeda and Souda caught up with him at the gates and Hinata slowed down to meet their pace, heart beating in his chest.

“Oi Hinata, you could have waited for us,” Souda complained, wheezing as the cold air bit their lungs “Are you really that nervous?”

Hinata didn’t answer and Komaeda shook his head. “Of course he’s nervous, Souda-kun. You don’t just say stuff like that out loud.”

“It’s okay,” Hinata said, taking the envelope out of his bag. “Let’s open them.”

Komaeda was already holding his in his hand. “Alright…I’m ready.”

Taking a deep breath, Hinata ripped open the top of the envelope and took the letter out, the blood pounding in his ears. Before he backed out, he quickly unfolded it and his eyes scanned the paper. His name was written on the top alongside the school insignia with some numbers underneath.

“460…” Hinata said, unable to believe it. “I got 460 marks out of 500.”

Komaeda smiled, craning forward to look at the letter. “I got 450.”

Souda frowned. “Does that mean you two passed?”

Komaeda nodded quickly. “It says so right here: Komaeda Nagito, you have been accepted into the main course on account of your excellent marks and family status.”

Hinata nodded, vaguely aware that he was hearing Komaeda speak but his mind seemed to have shut down because he couldn’t comprehend anything as he stared at the sheet in front of him. He knew he had gotten better marks than Komaeda so obviously he should have gotten in too but then why-

_Why does it say that I can’t be accepted?_

“Hinata-kun, is everything alright?” Komaeda asked, and his voice finally broke through his stupor. “You look pale.”

He tried to shrug but his shoulders felt heavy. “I didn’t get in.”

“ _What?”_ Komaeda asked, looking at the letter he held in his hands. “How is that possible? You got better marks than I did.”

“I guess it’s because I wouldn’t have been able to afford it anyway,” he was surprised he spoke about it so easily and his own voice sounded alien to him. “It says so right here.”

Komaeda frowned as Hinata showed him the letter, but judging from the look on his face, he couldn’t read it. “Your hand’s shaking,” he said gently and took the letter from him, reading it himself.

_Hinata Hajime_ , the letter said, _although your grades are nothing but excellent, we are sorry to inform you that you cannot be accepted into the main course if you cannot afford the tuition due to your financial circumstances. You can continue to study in Kibougamine Imperial High School in the reserve department and we are sure that you will be able to flourish in your own time._

“I don’t believe this!” Souda exclaimed. “The nerve of those assholes! You should have gotten in!”

Hinata finally managed to shrug. “It’s okay. I saw it coming.”

Komaeda shook his head, clearly agitated. “This isn’t fair. If anyone should have gotten in, it should have been-”

“I said it’s okay!” Hinata cut him off and snatched the letter from his hands, quickly shoving it in his bag. “Don’t worry about it. I’m still studying in Kibougamine after all.” _Even if I can’t study with you anymore._

“Hinata-kun…” Komaeda looked like he had more to say so Hinata began walking- heading straight home.

“C’mon, let’s get something to eat,” he said, trying to sound cheerful “Komaeda’s treat.”

Komaeda sighed and followed, the three of them walking back home in silence.

Souda didn’t bother reminding them of the treat, for once, and when they passed by the restaurants on the way, Komaeda determinedly looked away, staring at Hinata’s back as he tried to walk while keeping his posture straight. He could see the effort it must have taken to appear unaffected but every step he took seemed to be draining him.

When they reached the building, Hinata was ready to head to his room and waved a quick goodbye to Komaeda. Before he could leave though, Komaeda stopped him by grasping his elbow.

“Hinata-kun, don’t just go like that,” he said “Come to my room for a while.”

Hinata realized he’d only been to his room once and although it sounded like an intriguing idea, he didn’t have the energy to go. He shook his head.

“Maybe some other time, Komaeda,” he said but the boy didn’t seem to listen to him.

Hinata was too tired to protest so he let himself be dragged into his room while Souda continued up the stairs, waving them goodbye for the while. Hinata figured Souda must have been relieved to see him go since there was no way he would have been able to make him feel any better on his own.

The room was clean as it had been the first time Hinata had seen it and he wondered where Matsuda was.

“He’s not here right now,” Komaeda said gesturing towards the empty futon that lay open on the floor. “You don’t have to look so wound up…it’s just us.”

Hinata nodded slowly and sat down on the cushion lying next to the wall, feeling his legs give out underneath him. Komaeda joined him and looked at him, his face full of worry.

“Hinata-kun, don’t be so hard on yourself,” he said “You don’t have to force yourself to act so normal. I know it wasn’t fair.”

“I really don’t feel bad about it though,” Hinata said and looked at his hands. Anywhere but at Komaeda’s face. “And it doesn’t make a difference even if I know it’s unfair.”

“Do you really mean that, Hinata-kun? Aren’t you angry about this? Don’t you find it disgusting?”

Hinata shook his head- a mechanic jerk of the head.

Komaeda kept on talking, his features distorted in worry.

The words seemed to pass through his head like unbearable noise, making him want to close his ears and just stop Komaeda from talking. Komaeda continued as if nothing had happened.

“I got less marks than you did and still I-”

Something inside Hinata snapped.

He got up, his hand clenching into a fist at his side. “You got into the main course because you’re rich. Plain and simple. It’s unfair and your sympathy is only making this worse, Komaeda.”

“That’s not what I meant! You know I wouldn’t want to hurt you.”

The look on Komaeda’s face was of clear desperation and Hinata knew that he hadn’t meant anything bad by his words but he couldn’t shake off the feeling of being left behind.

Komaeda would be going into the main course while he’d be studying in the reserve along with the rest of those who failed.

They were leagues apart and Komaeda’s words only made it that much clearer.

“Look, Komaeda,” he said, and took a shaky breath, trying to calm his voice. “I don’t feel so great right now and being around you is making me tired so leave me alone…before I-” _Before I say something I don’t mean._

Komaeda seemed to understand what he meant and smiled wryly. “It’s disgusting, isn’t it- being around me? I thought the school was fair but that certainly wasn’t it.”

“Looks like Enoshima was right about this,” Hinata said, a bitter laugh escaping his lips. “Hard work can only take me so far. After that it’s only money.”

Komaeda looked like he’d been slapped in the face. “Are you saying I used my family’s influence to get in? I didn’t bribe them if that’s what you meant.”

Hinata knew Komaeda was probably right but he pointed towards his bag where the letter was still lying. “Who cares if you didn’t bribe them- you still got in, didn’t you? That should be enough. I don’t even get to do that even after wasting all my time on this.”

“It _wasn’t_ a waste, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda said, standing up too, his hands curled into fists.

Hinata shook his head, his mind finally reeling with the fact that all of his efforts had been useless- that he’d been wasting his energy trying to attain something he could never have. His hands shook and his clamped them into fists so that Komaeda wouldn’t notice. He felt sick.

“I should have known my place…isn’t that what you’re thinking?” Hinata said, even though he knew Komaeda didn’t mean anything like that. “Trying so hard for something that was out of my hands to begin with…”

Hinata watched Komaeda rake a hand through his hair, noticed the way his eyes narrowed and his face flushed and he knew that he’d hit a bulls eye.

He didn’t have to ask him to know.

He waited for the boy to call out as he pulled up his bag from the floor and slid the door open but he looked back only to see his head lowered. Hinata knew he shouldn’t have expected anything but he still couldn’t help feeling disappointed.

It was a lesson he had a hard time in learning, it seemed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter has been sitting in my laptop for months now but i just didn't have the energy to update it according to schedule because i've been very busy this month. and i guess i'll be busy till the end of the year with exams and university applications and all so updates will be stalled after this point.   
> hope you liked this update ^O^


	12. Spark

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like Michinoku prints  
> Of the tangled leaves of ferns,  
> It is because of you  
> That I have become confused;  
> But my love for you remains.  
> -Kawara no Sadaijin

_December 24, 1922_  
_11 th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata lay on the floor, his head turned to the side as he looked out of the window, watching the snow fall in light flakes towards the earth. The only sounds he could hear were his mother's footsteps shuffling around the house as she tried to get lunch ready, and it was comforting to know that he was home. Where he belonged.

He'd come home for the winter holidays and it had been almost painfully embarrassing for him to face his parents after disappointing them so much, but he knew he couldn't go anywhere else. His mind had been a mess ever since the results and his fight with Komaeda hadn't made him feel any better. They still weren't talking but he did come to say goodbye for the holidays when Hinata was leaving.

It had been nothing short of awkward.

Hinata had been scared to face his parents but he knew he didn't have to, because the moment they saw him at the front steps of the house, they'd hugged him and cried and Hinata couldn't stop shaking. He hadn’t realized he'd missed his parents so much until he'd finally seen them again.

"Hajime could you go call your father?" his mother called out "Lunch is ready."

"I will." Hinata said and got up, pulling the cloak over his shoulders so he wouldn't feel the cold. He knew his father would be freezing outside so he snatched his on the way out too.

He found him by the beach, hauling his small wooden boat back onto the sand and trying not to get tangled on the makeshift net he'd made out of rope.

"Dad!" Hinata called out, walking slowly now that he was on the beach. "Lunch is ready."

His father looked back at him and grinned, waving him over and gesturing towards the net. "A good haul today! Help me carry the fish?"

Hinata nodded and grabbed the piece of tarp folded in the corner of the boat and began to pile the fish onto it. They were cold and slimy and he could see their scales gleaming despite there being little light even during the day. His father helped him and Hinata folded the cloth and grabbed it, pulling it with him towards his home- a small hut that was barely holding together in the winter. He felt a little queasy when he looked at how rough it was for his parents, living here.

"It’s not bad carrying fish and helping out your dad sometimes, huh?"

Hinata managed to smile as he dragged the weight on his own. It was barely enough to last three days. There was no option of selling it- that much was clear even to him.

"I almost forgot how smelly these things are when you pull them out." Hinata said, wrinkling his nose as the smell hit him. "Doesn't the kitchen always stink when you keep them there?"

"You never seemed to mind that before." His father laughed. Hinata tried to laugh too but his voice cracked.

"I guess I forgot."

"You do make a great fisherman though," his father said his tone still light as he patted Hinata's arm. "Look at those biceps. You could pull out a dozen fish with just one net!"

"Do you really mean that?” Hinata asked- a hopeful lilt to his voice. “That I could be a good fisherman?"

His father stopped in his tracks and Hinata's breath caught in his throat, suddenly aware that he'd said something wrong. "It was a joke, Hajime. I don't want you to become someone like me,” he smiled ruefully “You used to say that too, didn’t you?"

Hinata tried to nod and began pulling the fish again. He could hear his father's footsteps behind him and he noticed how his breath sounded labored. Had he always been so weak?

"I'm sorry dad," Hinata said, shaking his head to get the thought out of his mind. "That was stupid of me."

"Damn right it was! I didn't raise you to be this half assed about everything."

Hinata knew that was true but when he looked at the ocean and the small wooden boat standing at the edge of the coast, he couldn't help feeling as if it was waiting for him to come back, to restart life the way he had left it.

\---

In the end Hinata didn’t stay in Kamakura as long as he had planned.

He hadn’t exactly _planned_ anything in all honesty. When his mother had seen his bag for the first time since he’d come home, she’d asked him how much stuff he’d brought back for the holidays. Hinata didn’t have the courage to tell her that he’d stuffed all his clothes in the bag- it was as if he’d been running away from Tokyo, but he couldn’t say that. Not to her.

It wasn’t because he missed Tokyo, far from it, but staying at home and watching the days dwindle by with nothing to do except feel miserable about his bad luck, he couldn’t stop the nagging guilt that bore in the back of his mind. He’d left just like that and he was sure no one would be happy about it.

It especially made him feel guilty when he saw his parents continuing to toil away at home and trying to earn money for his education. And to pay back the loans he knew they were definitely taking. They tried to keep it a secret from him but he’d caught on to what their hushes whispers meant.

\---

_December 31, 1922_

He met his middle school teacher on the way to the station and Hinata glanced at his watch, hoping it was time for the train to come already so that he wouldn’t have to talk to him. There were still fifteen minutes left and Hinata sighed, waving over to his teacher when their eyes met.

They didn’t have much to talk about but it was a good feeling to meet his teacher after so long. Hinata had always been his favorite student and he tried not to let him know how thoroughly disappointing he had been lately.

Of course his teacher was curious about how Kibougamine was and Hinata made sure to describe in painful detail how the studies were top notch and how he was having the time of his life trying to make a future out of the time he spent there- anything to keep him from asking how he’d actually been doing in class.

Hinata noticed the innocent look on the teacher’s face, unaware of how his incessant questioning was grating on his nerves. He had the urge to tell him about the reserve course, to tell him how unfair Kibougamine was, so that no one else would ever make the same mistake as him but he didn’t say any of that.

He glanced at his watch and made a quick excuse to say goodbye to him. Hinata was sure he’d liked his teacher a lot more back when he was his student, but now he just felt like an annoying stranger.

Hinata recalled Komaeda’s words --how talking about the reserve course was something no one was proud of-- and he could feel it now, as he had talked to his teacher and couldn’t bring it in him to tell him about it. He hated it but he couldn’t help admitting that Komaeda had been right.

He was always right.

\---

If Hinata had any doubts that coming back was a bad idea, the thought left his brain as soon as he stepped out of the train and saw his friends standing there. Souda, Komaeda and even Kuzuryuu were there, smiling at him and Hinata’s heart swelled with happiness and a sense of relief at seeing them again.

“What’s with you, Hinata?” Kuzuryuu laughed as he patted his back. “You left for two weeks but you look ready to cry.”

Hinata shook his head and hefted his bag across his shoulder. “I’m not crying. I’m just…really glad to see you guys.”

Souda grinned, baring his sharp teeth as they walked across the side of the road, the trains whizzing past with sharp honks. “It’s not like we’re going anywhere, soul friend! We’re here and you’re back. It feels great!” He said happily. “Being alone with Komaeda isn’t all that fun without you around.”

Hinata turned to look at Komaeda who smiled sheepishly at him and he tried to meet his gaze but it still felt odd to be seeing him after so long. “Souda-kun missed you a lot, Hinata-kun.”

“A-ah I see.”

“Oi that never happened!” Souda exclaimed. “But I’m glad you’re back in time for New Year’s!”

Hinata stopped and squinted. He was sure it was around the end of the year already but he didn’t realize it was already the last day of the year. He didn’t know why he hadn’t noticed time pass so fast and he scratched the back of his head, trying to count the dates in his mind.

“Oh. It kinda slipped my mind.” He said. “Did you guys have anything planned for it?”

Kuzuryuu folded his arms and grinned. “’Course we’re going to the Meiji Shrine for the _hatsumoude_!” he exclaimed, “We’ll get our blessings and pray and then we’ll party!”

Hinata laughed at Kuzuryuu’s optimism and looked up at the sky which was already turning a light shade of purple as the sun set. The New Year was just a few hours away and Hinata decided he would make sure it would be a good one.

\---

They entered the building to find Usami, dressed in a fancy pink kimono, ushering everyone over to the front counter. They followed her to table where she had kept a dozen lunchboxes piled one on top of the other.

“Everyone! Please take your _Osechi_!” she said in her soft voice, a huge grin on her face. “I made them for all of you especially for New Year’s!”

 Souda snatched the lacquered black box and stared at it greedily. Hinata took his, feeling heartened by Usami’s efforts- she was a really kind woman and he never gave her enough credit for that.

“Thank you.” he said and tried to put on his best smile. Usami’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink and she smacked the side of his arm, giggling like a teenage girl.

 “It’s the least I can do for my special little guests!” she said “I hope you have a happy New Year.”

Hinata inclined his head. “I hope so too.”

“Ah?” Kuzuryuu butted in as Komaeda took an Osechi. He stared at the boxes still on the table. “Don’t I get one Usami? I used to live here until last year too, ya know!”

Usami jumped and handed him a lunchbox too when he glared at her. Kuzuryuu grinned and thanked her but Hinata was quite sure she only gave him one out of fear, rather than affection.

Souda was the first one to open his and stare at the various food items laid out neatly in it. Everything looked delicious- the prawns were huge, the seaweed was laid out neatly next to the fish cakes and daikon was cut in thin strips, looking nice enough to eat immediately. Hinata ached to eat it and everyone sat down on the floor next to Usami, digging in to the food, chests swelling with happiness of New Year’s and the small kindnesses of middle aged ladies.

“This is delicious!” Komaeda said with his mouth full of soybeans.

“The fish cakes are heavenly!” Souda said “Oi, Hinata, give me yours won’t you?”

Hinata turned away from the boy, keeping the lunchbox out of his reach. “You still haven’t eaten your prawn. I’m not giving you my fish until you eat that.”

Souda pouted. “I don’t like prawns. I won’t eat them!”

“That’s a promise of a very short life then, you bastard.” Kuzuryuu said, shaking his head. “You’ve gotta eat all of the stuff in here if you want to get the blessings for the New Year.”

“That’s right, children!” Usami spoke up. “Eat everything in here because that’s tradition! And make sure you pray at the shrine as well!”

\---

The shrine was more crowded than Hinata had expected but since it was New Year’s Eve, there was bound to be a huge number of people already gathered there. They passed through the _torii_ and followed the red lanterns hanging from the trees on either side of them.

The area was huge and covered with forest. The central path was paved properly and led them further inside towards the main shrine enclosure- people had already started making lines outside the offering hall, their hands clasped in prayer.

They headed towards the water basins first, to cleanse themselves, and Hinata took the wooden dipper, pouring water over his left hand first and then his right hand, before cleansing his mouth. It was all ceremonial --cleansing your body before going to pray-- and the four of them did it quickly, heading towards the lines.

Hinata glanced at his watch- it was already half past eleven and the line looked long enough that they would most likely be celebrating the New Year waiting in line. Souda huffed, rolling his eyes when he spotted the line but all four of them joined it without protest, hoping to get it done with soon enough.

They let Kuzuryuu wait in line while the three of them went to draw their O-mikuji —fortunes for the oncoming year. A wooden box sat in the middle of the ground and people drew their lots from inside. Souda grabbed his and opened it, whooping excitedly when he read it.

“I got ‘great blessing’! And it says it’ll be a great year for romance.” Souda said, kissing the paper in his hands.

“Maybe this year you’ll finally get a girlfriend, Souda.” Hinata said and Komaeda snorted.

Souda grinned, raising his hand in triumph. “Sonia-san, just you wait! I’m coming for you!”

Komaeda stepped forward, taking out his own fortune. “Let’s just hope Sonia-san actually knows who you are.” He opened the folded paper slip and frowned.

“Ah…a half-curse.”

“Half-curse?” Hinata bit his lip. “That’s pretty bad.”

Komaeda laughed it off. “At least it’s not as bad a full curse, huh? Why don’t you draw yours, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata felt a little hesitant but nodded, dropping a five yen coin in the box next to it. He stuck his hand in the fortune box, moved it through the papers and closed his eyes, taking out one at random.

“Great misfortune,” Komaeda read from over his shoulder, his voice low. “That’s almost as bad as mine.”

“Almost.” Hinata agreed, folding the paper in half so Komaeda wouldn’t read the rest of it.

 _Many problems in your love and academic life._ Somehow it hit too close to home.

Komaeda looked at him with sympathy and Souda patted his back in consolation. “You can go tie it up on one of the trees over there,” Souda said, pointing towards the forest enclosure to their right. “Komaeda could go with you…after all his luck wasn’t all that great either, huh?”

Hinata shoved the paper in his shirt pocket and followed them back to the line.

\---

Kuzuryuu was grumbling by the time they came back. The line had almost reached the front of the hall and they only had to wait a few more minutes before they were standing at the centre of the shrine, the bells hanging in front of them. They climbed the stairs and stood with their hands at their sides.

Komaeda and Kuzuryuu pulled the rope and rang the bell three times, the soft chime ringing in the air. Hinata closed his eyes and clapped twice, pressing his hands close together in prayer. His friends did the same and he waited, listening to the echoes of the bell fading with the noise behind them.

Hinata didn’t know what to wish for. A year ago, if he’d been standing here, he wouldn’t have run out of things to pray for, but right now --standing with his friends at his side-- he couldn’t help feeling a little lost. He still had things he wanted- a simple life, good health…a safe future- but it seemed so far out of his reach now.

He wondered if wishing for things was even worth it when there were times those things could never be given to him no matter how much he yearned for them. Praying, he decided, was far too optimistic- and he hadn’t gained anything from being like that so far.

In the end just wished for a long and healthy life for his family and friends. He figured that was as good a wish as any, given he couldn’t think of anything else.

“Done praying?” Kuzuryuu asked, snapping his eyes open. “What’s taking you so long, Hinata?”

Startled, Hinata drew his hands to his sides and nodded. “Yeah, I’m done.”

Souda pointed towards the hall as they made their way down the stairs. “You sure looked like you were having trouble. Did your fortune really worry you that much?”

Hinata shook his head. “I was just thinking about what to pray for. I’d almost forgotten about the fortune, you know.”

Kuzuryuu shook his head, waving over to the trees up ahead. “You better go hang it up there, or that bad luck’s going to cling to you the whole year.”

Komaeda, who had been walking silently next to Hinata, looked over to him. “He’s right, Hinata-kun.” he said. “I think we should go hang it over by the trees.”

Hinata nodded and Komaeda grabbed his elbow, leading him towards the trees up ahead. Souda waved at the two of them and Kuzuryuu folded his arms across his chest.

“We’re going to get charms from over there! Meet you at the front of the gate in an hour!” Kuzuryuu shouted. “Be there on time.”

\---

The forest was dark and their footsteps made crunching sounds on the fallen leaves and pine needles. It was cold and Hinata shivered, staying close to Komaeda as they walked further and further away from the shrine.

“Komaeda, we could’ve just tied them on the trees at the front,” Hinata said, hugging his arms to keep warm. He was wearing a cloak over his yukata but he still shivered. “What’s the point of coming so far in? I can’t even see anymore.”

Komaeda turned his head to look at him and smiled comfortingly. “Don’t worry, Hinata-kun. I just wanted to go far enough that no one would see the lights.” He stopped near a tree and squatted on the ground. “This is good enough.”

“Lights? What’re you talking about?” he said and squatted next to him.

Komaeda didn’t answer but put his hand inside his pocket, rummaging through it until he drew out two sticks and waved them in front him, asking Hinata to hold them.

“Sparklers?” Hinata asked, looking at the sticks that looked suspiciously similar to the fireworks he used to play with back home. “Is that why you brought me here?”

Komaeda drew a matchbox from his pocket and grinned excitedly. “That was the plan. Don’t you like fireworks, Hinata-kun?” he asked innocently and Hinata felt both frustrated and endeared by the boy.

“Really,” he shook his head. “We could have done that with the others, you know. At a better place.”

Komaeda pouted. “I knew you wouldn’t have come here if I hadn’t been sly about it, Hinata-kun. I’m sure you’re thinking of going back even now.”

Hinata glanced back in the direction they’d been coming from. The shrine looked so far away and the lights were almost fading now, invisible behind the cover of the tall, looming trees. He was alone with Komaeda- just the two of them in this cold, empty forest.

He huffed. “Are you sure this is a good idea? What if we get caught?” he still protested even though he knew it was unlikely. Komaeda would never have brought him here if he knew they could be caught.

Komaeda struck the match in answer, the small flame dancing in front of them before he brought it to the stick in his hand, lighting it up. Sparks flew from it in a burst of light --pink and yellow-- instantly lighting up the area around them.

Hinata smiled, watching the stick in Komaeda’s hand, burning and crackling. It reminded him of New Year’s back at home and for a few seconds he almost forgot that he’d ever been mad at Komaeda.

It almost seemed natural for them to be together and he wondered if Komaeda felt the same.

“Here,” Komaeda raised the stick towards Hinata’s. “Let me light up yours as well.”

Hinata’s sparkler burst to life, sparks flying everywhere and he twirled it in the air, watching the small drops of flame fall on the earth, swallowed up in an instant of darkness. He stared at the stick until he felt his eyes burning- he could see stars behind his eyes and he smiled to himself.

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked softly, their sticks burning close together, a shower of sparks between the two of them.

Hinata cracked his eyes open. “What is it?” he asked, his voice low as well.

He gestured towards his wrist watch. “Happy New Year’s,” he said. “And….happy birthday as well.”

Hinata blinked. “How do you remember my birthday?” he asked, unable to keep his smile. “Even I forgot all about it.”

Komaeda smiled, looking at him so gently that Hinata’s pulse quickened. “Of course I’d remember your birthday, Hinata-kun.”

“A-ah…thanks I guess.” Hinata suddenly found it hard to meet Komaeda’s eyes. He stared at the fireworks that were about die out- glowing at the ends of their sticks.

They lapsed into silence again, longer than before and Hinata looked up, realizing he could see the stars from here, the bright and sparkling winter sky. 

“Listen Hinata-kun…about the other day--” Komaeda broke the silence but Hinata knew what he wanted to say.

“I’m sorry about that, I was just being bitter.” Hinata said, looking at his hands.

Komaeda shook his head. “No! It was my fault, it’s just…I wanted to make you feel better but really, I had no idea how to do it. It’s at times like these that I realize I’m really no good at dealing with people.”

“It’s okay. I feel a lot better now,” Hinata said, trying to smile for his sake. “Going home cleared my head a bit.”

Komaeda looked sad when he met Hinata’s eyes. “I don’t like this, Hinata-kun…I’d always thought you’d be in the same class with me even next year but our time together has been cut so unexpectedly short.”

Hinata managed to shrug despite his body suddenly going cold. “It’s not like we won’t see each other at all, you know. We’ll still go to school together. You can even come visit us in our room.”

“It’s not the same.” Komaeda’s sparkler died out with a blast of the wind and Hinata looked at his- about to die out too.

Hinata wanted to say something but looking at Komaeda, suddenly downcast as he stared at the burnt out stick in his hand, an empty look in his eyes, he felt like he had nothing to say. He should have been the one taking it the worst and that’s what he’d thought but, maybe, it was hurting Komaeda too.

They were sitting so close, their bodies almost touching, but Hinata felt like it was only a short-lived moment. They would go back to the shrine, meet up with Kuzuryuu and Souda and then the distance between them would go back to the way it was.

Close, but never close enough.

And Hinata had kept it that way, but looking at Komaeda right now, feeling so bad about being separated from him, he felt a little reckless.

“Komaeda,” he called out, and watched the boy’s face light up for a fraction of a second. Maybe it wasn’t only him. “Do you think…do you think it’s selfish of me to want you with me? Like this…always together.”

A flicker of hurt passed through Komaeda’s face before he looked away. “I don’t know…I’m sorry.”

 _I’m sorry_. He didn’t know what Komaeda was sorry about but he had the vague feeling he was being rejected.

He reached out with his free hand and touched Komaeda’s wrist. Komaeda flinched but didn’t retract his hand.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda’s voice came out sounding almost pained and Hinata wanted to know what was hurting him so much. “There are times when you can’t act on those feelings. It’s selfish…and it’s not bound to last.”

Hinata knew what Komaeda was trying to say. Nothing was meant to last- and he knew that. Better than anyone else. “I know…but I think I’d still want that small moment of happiness.”

Komaeda shook his head, not saying anything.

“Acting on your feelings…is that really a bad thing?” Hinata asked. “It’s because of you that I--”

Komaeda smiled at him, but it didn’t reach his eyes. “It is because of you that I have become confused. But my love for you remains.”

Hinata looked at Komaeda, wanting to read his expression. Wanting to understand what he meant. “K-Komaeda, do you really mean that?”

“I wanted to say it once, just to see how it feels,” Komaeda tried to laugh but it ended up sounded forced instead. “It’s a nice poem isn’t it?”

“Is that really it?” Hinata asked, feeling a little hopeful.

He was met with an empty look. “Hm?”

“Is that really the only reason you said it?” he asked, squeezing Komaeda’s hand in his and the boy laughed.

“What else could it be? In our society, people wouldn’t be able to accept it even if I were to say it as a joke. Feelings like this…they’re not supposed to exist.”

“A _joke_? Is that what this was?” Hinata couldn’t help the way his heart felt like it was sinking in his chest.

“Don’t worry Hinata-kun,” Komaeda’s voice cracked when he said his name. “I wouldn’t say it aloud…not to you.”

The words should have made it clear enough: Komaeda didn’t want him and he would never return his feelings. But, when he looked at the boy and saw the way he was looking at him, his chest heaving as if he had a hard time in breathing, he couldn’t stop the affection that built in his chest.

“Then don’t,” he said softly, leaning forward to touch his hair. “I won’t say it either.”

“What do you mean?” Komaeda’s face was full of confusion. But he saw hope in his eyes.

Hinata smiled. “You don’t have to say it aloud…but you’re still here with me, aren’t you?”

Their eyes met and Hinata knew Komaeda was thinking the same thing- looking at the two of them and the distance between them, only a few inches apart, their skin almost touching. He didn’t have to ask to know that Komaeda felt the same and it filled his heart with more uncertainty than he’d ever felt in his life. His chest ached and he wanted to tell him how he felt about Komaeda, to tell him how his heart had been racing in his chest all the while they’d been sitting together. But he didn’t say anything.

Instead, he moved forward, looked into Komaeda’s eyes and closed the distance between the two of them. His face was cold and he felt his body shudder at the first touch, their lips touching hesitantly. It was barely a brush of his mouth against Komaeda’s, and yet Hinata felt his blood burning under his skin.

They broke apart, hearts stammering in their chests and faces flushed.

“You didn’t run away.” Hinata said almost in relief, and Komaeda looked at him, biting his bottom lip.

He nodded uncertainly and grabbed Hinata’s arm by the sleeve, as if he was afraid of letting go.

The firework fell from Hinata’s hand and he pulled him closer, kissing him again and Komaeda kissed him back this time, pressing his lips to his, soft and hesitant. Becoming surer with each touch. Komaeda’s arms looped around Hinata’s neck, bringing them closer than he could have ever hoped for and he felt the boy’s face, hot against his.

Hinata knew somewhere in the back of his mind that what they were doing was foolish- that boys didn’t like each other like that and that there was no future for the two of them when they couldn’t even speak of their feelings out loud.

He closed his eyes and pushed those thoughts far at the back of his mind. He kissed Komaeda, focusing only on how his heart thrummed in his chest when his name spilled from the boy’s mouth like a hopeful wish.

And for just that moment, time stood still for the two of them.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it happened
> 
> Cultural notes:  
> -[Hatsumode](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hatsum%C5%8Dde) is basically the first shrine visit of the New Year.  
> -It usually involves eating [Osechi](http://en.rocketnews24.com/2013/01/03/%E3%80%90japanese-culture%E3%80%91the-meaning-behind-osechi-ryori-traditional-new-years-food-in-japan/) and each food item in the lunchbox has a specific significance which i think is pretty neat! you can check out the meanings for the food in the link :>  
> -[O-mikuji](http://zoomingjapan.com/wiki/omikuji-fortune-telling-paper-strips/) are fortune slips that i'm sure most of you know of anyway since they usually show it in anime and manga. There are a lot of variations of the types of fortunes you can draw and people believe that if you receive a bad fortune you should bury or hang it somewhere far away so the misfortune doesn't follow you home!  
> -The shrine they visited was the [ Meiji Shrine](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meiji_Shrine) and it's beautiful, please check it out! Just like the name implies, the shrine was built in memory of Emperor Meiji, who was the leading figure behind Japan's initial westernization from 1868–1912. His death led to the beginning of the Taisho era which this story focuses on, and it's a time when Japan had already begun to develop as a rather successful nation both military-wise as well as industrially. 
> 
> hope you liked this chapter!


	13. Sleepover

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I lay my head  
> Upon his arm in the dark  
> Of a short spring night,  
> This innocent dream pillow  
> Will be the death of my good name  
> -Lady Suô-no-naishi

_10 th March, 1923_  
 _12 th year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata tapped the small fishbowl that rested atop the table and watched the two small goldfish circle inside the water, gulping in the dried food he gave them. A feeling of calm settled within his chest when he looked at the fish that Komaeda had given him for his birthday.

He smiled as he remembered how they had been walking back from the forest when Komaeda had run off, telling Hinata to just wait at the gates. He’d returned with a small plastic bag --two fish swimming inside-- and a huge grin on his face. It was supposed to be his birthday present he had said, and Hinata had flushed because really, just the fact that he was with Hinata was more than enough of a present for him already.

Hinata nodded to himself in satisfaction. Things were actually starting to go his way, for once.

\---

Later the same day, Komaeda showed up at their doorstep, a spare change of clothing in his hands, and an awkward smile on his lips. He stepped in without invitation, took off his shoes and pardoned them for the intrusion. Hinata was confused, but he wasn’t complaining.

“What’s with the clothes?” Souda pointed accusingly, lacking in tact as always. “Did Matsuda kick you out?”

Komaeda smiled ruefully. “Something of the sort. I hope you don’t mind my intrusion.”

“Of course we don’t!” Hinata spoke up, waving over for him to come in and patted the air beside him. “Was Matsuda busy again?”

“With Enoshima-san, yes.” He said as he came and sat down next to Hinata, slumping back towards the wall and heaving a sigh. His side touched Hinata’s arm and he felt a wave of affection, feeling happy at that small amount of familiar contact.

“Oooh! Scandalous!” Souda said, leaning forward in interest all of a sudden. “Were they getting all hot and heavy in there? Is that why you’re here right now?”

“That’s one way of putting it, Souda-kun.” Komaeda grimaced and Hinata decided it was the perfect moment to change topic.

Hinata wasn’t sure how to deal with matters concerning Matsuda. He didn’t really know the guy that well and his affair with Enoshima only alienated him even more. It didn’t help that he was starting to feel suspicious of Komaeda’s relationship with the boy –and his involvement with the Shinjinkai—but he didn’t know how to bring it up. He wanted to trust Komaeda, wanted to believe in him the way he wanted to believe in his newfound relationship with him- but it was hard.

“Well if you’re here now,” Hinata began quickly “Why don’t we have some fun?”

Souda eyed him suspiciously. “That sounds almost creepy coming from you.”

“W-what’s that supposed to mean?” he protested. He flushed as he heard Komaeda laugh from beside him. “I just figured it’d be fun to spend the night together!”

“Yeah, yeah I got you.” Souda said, shoving a finger in his ear as if he didn’t want to listen to Hinata. He grinned. “How about we call over Kuzuryuu and the neighbors, too? We can party!”

Hinata hadn’t exactly planned on a full-blown sleepover, and he looked at Komaeda questioningly. The boy shrugged, smiling politely.

“Alright. If that’s what you want.” Hinata said, hoping he wouldn’t end up regretting it.

\---

He ended up regretting it the moment Kuzuryuu set foot inside the room, his lips curved into something that was supposed to resemble a smile. It looked malicious rather than friendly and Hinata hoped there wouldn’t be any mishaps during the night.

The boy dumped his sleeping bag on the floor space next to Souda’s futon which already laid out in preparation. Hinata’s was placed in the other corner of the room to keep the centre unoccupied- all according to Souda’s instructions.

“Where’re the other guys, eh?” Kuzuryuu asked, placing a hand on his hips and regarding the room with a scowl. “Is it just going to be the four of us?”

Hinata didn’t know what was so wrong with that but he shook his head. “Souda called over the boys who live next to us. I don’t know why, but he seems to think it’s a good idea.”

“’Course I do!” Souda stood up and puffed his chest like a threatening cat. “The more the merrier! Especially when it’s a sleepover.”

“I had the idea that it would only be the three of us, honestly.” Komaeda spoke up, narrowing his eyes as he looked at Hinata. “Was a slumber party necessary, Hinata-kun?”

“Why are you blaming me? I just wanted us to have fun!”

Komaeda’s eyes softened just the slightest. “If that’s what you wanted, we could have done it without inviting the neighbors as well. Aren’t more people just going to be noisy and annoying?”

Kuzuryuu groaned reluctantly, squatting on the floor before settling down. His leg rested on the table, nearly touching the teacups lying on top of it. “Kid’s got a point. Why call over some bastards we don’t even know about when it’s much better to just hang out like this?”

Hinata was starting to worry about the volume of Kuzuryuu’s voice. Paper thin walls didn’t exactly do a good job of keeping their voices unheard and he just hoped the neighbors didn’t end up overhearing and hating them for it.

“Well I’ve called them over, so there’s no point in grumbling over it!” Souda slammed his hand on the table, making the cups rattle. “Now shut up and wait for them so we can actually get started with the fun!”

“I’m not really sure what your definition of fun is, Souda-kun.” Komaeda mumbled, and Hinata snickered, the two of them exchanging looks as they did and turning away immediately.

He didn’t know why things still felt so awkward between them sometimes but it wasn’t a bad kind of awkward. It felt warm and ticklish in his chest, like he kept a secret that no one else knew but Komaeda. He liked it.

Souda, for his part, seemed completely oblivious to the fact that he was being laughed at, and stood by the front of the door, waiting for the neighbors to show up. Hinata wasn’t even sure what their names were since he’d only ever seen him during the morning when they’d leave for school or sometimes when they were coming back from school.

They showed up half an hour later, waving at them as they entered the room, a short boy with brown hair and a taller one with black hair, slicked back and dyed a light shade at the front.

“Gundam Tanaka.” The taller one introduced himself, dragging the futon into the room. Out of all six of them, he was the only one thoughtful enough to bring an extra futon and that made him a good person in Hinata’s books. “I am sure it a blessing for mere mortals such as you to make my acquaintance.”

The shorter boy laughed, waving dismissively towards his roommate. “Don’t mind Tanaka-kun. He’s always like that.” he said. “I’m Naegi Makoto, by the way. It’s nice of you to invite us.”

Tanaka huffed, making his way towards the corner of the room and sitting down. “It is by no means a pleasure and we are certainly not feeling a rapid beating of the chest at the prospect of being invited to make pleasantries with foolish humans,” he said and Hinata barely caught the words. “But it is appreciated.”

Souda quirked an eyebrow, eyeing Tanaka with repulsion. “What the hell did I just invite?” he asked, turning over to look at Hinata.

Kuzuryuu scoffed. “You tell me, Souda.”

Hinata shrugged, ignoring his friends’ apparent lack of manners. “It’s nice to meet you guys.” he said. “Let’s have fun together. It is a weekend, after all.”

Naegi nodded, sitting down beside him on the cushion, already comfortable. Hinata decided they’d get along, even if it was for a single night.

“So?” the boy asked, regarding all of them. “What do we do first?”

Hinata, and then everyone else, turned their eyes towards Souda, waiting for an answer.

The boy flushed, jolting upright. “How would I know? I’ve never had any sleepovers before!”

Tanaka laughed, deep and condescending, almost like a host on one of the radio shows Komaeda sometimes made him listen to. “Truly a despicable habit is not? To pass over the responsibility for an action that is solely yours?” Souda blinked. “Bur fear not!” he outstretched his hand, clamping it in a fist. “I have the perfect solution to this! I shall summon the spirits from hell to show us what to do!”

“S-spirits? What the hell are you going on about, asshole?” Kuzuryuu yelled which was surprising because Hinata had been expecting Souda to say it. Komaeda hummed in response, enjoying the events unfold greatly. “We don’t need that kind of shit here!”

“Yeah! What are we, twelve?” Souda added, getting riled up. “Let’s just stick to some normal stuff.”

Tanaka huffed. “You mortals are too hard to please. The spirits would be the perfect answer to all your questions.”

“What questions?!” Souda whined.

“The question of what game should be played, of course.” Something chattered and everyone turned their eyes to Tanaka, who reached a hand inside the front of his yukata, whispering gently into it.

Souda screamed and Kuzuryuu muttered a string of curses. Komaeda leaned forward almost excitedly, his hand pressing tightly around Hinata’s. Hinata just sat and watched, feeling a little distracted by Komaeda’s hand on his and the warmth that flooded through his body.

“What the hell are you doing, bastard?!” Kuzuryuu yelled, pointing his finger to Tanaka’s shirt. “Did you fucking summon a demon in your crappy looking yukata?”

Tanaka bristled at that and turned his attention to them, clearly looking hurt. “How dare you call the Four Dark Gods of Destruction _mere demons_? They are gods! Rulers of darkness and chaos!” he bellowed, breathing heavily before turning his attention back to his shirt, whispering soft words into it.

Hinata turned to look at Naegi, whose face had turned a bright shade of red as he looked away from Tanaka. “Um I’m almost afraid to ask but what are the four dark gods of destruction?” Hinata asked the boy.

“His pet hamsters.” Naegi said mechanically as if he was already used to answering it more than once.

Hinata immediately felt sorry for the boy and cast a withering glance in Souda and Kuzuryuu’s direction- both of them standing up and shaking, holding each other as if it would save them from the demonic hamsters in the boy’s clothes.

He sighed. He could feel Naegi’s pain.

\---

Hinata wasn’t sure what happened for the most part, but the sleepover was turning out to be more of a train wreck than he’d anticipated and instead of actually doing anything, they were more or less screaming at each other. Kuzuryuu and Souda had teamed up against Tanaka, glaring at him any chance they got and trying to get the hamsters to come out of his clothes- as if they were trying to prove they were real and not actually demons in disguise.

Naegi sat next to Hinata, smiling at the events unfolding before him, a saint-like calm residing over him until Tanaka finally gave up and handed over his hamsters. That seemed to satisfy the two of them enough and Kuzuryuu held the chubbiest hamster in his hand, looking at it with a smile on his face.

“Shit,” he said, staring at the hamster. “Peko would have loved to play with them.”

Souda smiled slyly, elbowing Kuzuryuu in the side. “Awww, you miss your lady friend already?” he said, barely keeping his laughter in check. “I would have said you could bring her over, but I’m afraid it’s an all-guys party.”

Kuzuryuu glared at him, his face flushed red in a matter of seconds. “You shut up, bastard! She’s not my _lady_ friend…she’s just my bodyguard, didn’t I tell you that already?”

“Ah, this sounds interesting.” Komaeda mused, speaking low enough only for Hinata to hear.

Souda laughed. “But you don’t really think of her as a bodyguard, do you?”

“Sh-shut up!” Kuzuryuu was barely keeping his composure by now and he shot a glare in Komaeda’s direction when the boy hummed merrily, clearly enjoying the talk. “I’m not going to do shitty stuff like you, Souda, so that’s that!”

“Doesn’t change the fact that our little yakuza boy has feelings for a lady!” Souda chimed and Hinata was sure Kuzuryuu was ready to smack him when Komaeda clapped his hands together as if he’d just thought up a great idea.

“How about we play a game of asking each other some questions?” he suggested, grinning widely. “That way we can get to know each other more and it’ll be a nice change of pace as well!”

Hinata immediately agreed to the idea, so did Naegi. Souda took two seconds to glare at Komaeda and then he was nodding too. Tanaka huffed and Kuzuryuu just folded his arms across his chest, looking away.

“I’m not playing a shitty game like that! You just want gossip, don’t you?”  He spat, rubbing his hands across his arms. The gesture reminded Hinata that it was getting cold, so late at night, but Komaeda’s warmth at his side made it slightly more bearable.

Komaeda shook his head quickly. “That wasn’t my intention, Kuzuryuu-kun. I won’t ask any questions that make you uncomfortable.”

Kuzuryuu looked at him and Komaeda shrugged helplessly, trying to smile. “Alright fine.” He said. “But don’t go asking too many questions.”

“Yeah, he likes to remain shrouded in mystery.” Souda snickered.

“How many questions shall you ask?” Tanaka asked, leaning forward curiously.

“Ten?” Komaeda suggested. Everyone groaned.

“That’s too much.” Hinata said “Make it less?”

“Seven?”

“Five.” Souda said. “And that’s final.”

“Isn’t that too less?” Komaeda pouted and Kuzuryuu sighed, raking a hand through his hair.

“Five sounds perfect.” Naegi spoke up and somehow everyone ended up agreeing to his words. Hinata was just glad they weren’t haggling over the amount of questions anymore.

“Alright!” Souda sat back down and poured everyone a cup of tea from the thermos. “So who’s going first?”

Nobody answered. Instead they all grabbed the cups one by one and sat back in their places, staring at their tea.

“C’mon! Oi, Komaeda! You’re the one who wanted to play this game so you pick someone!”

Komaeda nodded and scanned the room, looking at everyone and humming in deep thought. Hinata’s heartbeat sped up and he silently prayed Komaeda wouldn’t pick him but of course, knowing the boy and his knack for picking the most inconvenient choices, his eyes landed on Hinata. His heart skipped a beat and the boy smiled, pure and angelic.

He knew he’d regret it the moment Souda clapped his hands together and Kuzuryuu hooted- already roused.

“Great choice, Komaeda!” Souda exclaimed. “I’ve been dying to ask Hinata some questions.” He waggled his eyebrows suggestively and Hinata flushed a deep shade of red, already sure what the questions were going to be.

“Why did you pick me?” Hinata hissed into Komaeda’s ear. “You could have picked _anyone_!”

“I wanted it to be you, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda whispered back, his hand trailing close to his leg. “Is it unfair to want to know you better?”

Hinata looked away before the other boy could see how his blush had reached the tip of his ears. “That’s unfair…” he muttered weakly, already giving in to Komaeda’s innocent way of saying things to get what he wanted. He knew how sly he was but it also made him happy to know Komaeda wanted to learn more about him.

 _Almost balances things out,_ he thought.

“Quit whispering to yourselves!” Kuzuryuu yelled. “Let’s start already.”

“Okay first question-” Souda began.

“Do you have a human you fancy? A person who you would want as partner?” Tanaka cut in, leaning forward, and Hinata gulped. If anything, he’d expected Souda to ask that question, not devil whispering Tanaka. Komaeda was having a hard time trying not to laugh.

“Who knew you had it in you?” Souda said admiring him begrudgingly. “I was going to ask the same thing!”

“Hehe, it is not a problem for a person like myself to-”

“Back to topic!” Kuzuryuu intervened stifling a yawn. “So, Hinata, _do_ you like someone?”

Hinata almost decided to say no, and he would have --it would be so easy to-- if it hadn’t been for Komaeda sitting there next to him, feigned curiosity clear on his face.

He took a deep shuddering breath and nodded.

Souda hooted. “Alright! Next question: Is it someone we know?”

Hinata rolled his eyes, trying not to let him know how hard it was to keep a straight face with Komaeda leaning over to him, almost regarding him with amusement. “You’re _really_ getting creative with this, aren’t you?” he said, glad his voice came out composed.

“I’ve gotta know!” Souda protested. “Is it someone we know?”

His eyes darted to Komaeda’s for a split second and he couldn’t read his expression. Wasn’t he going to say anything? Didn’t he feel afraid of being found out?

“Yeah, you know them…probably.” He said vaguely.

“Oh boy.” Kuzuryuu shook his head. “Teenagers…”

“You’re one to talk!” Souda laughed and Kuzuryuu smacked him on the back of the head.

“Back to topic, everyone.” Komaeda said “That’s two questions.”

“Is it Sonia-san?” Souda asked, worriedly this time. “Is that the person you like?”

“Who the fuck is Sonia?” Kuzuryuu asked and something chattered again. Everyone turned to Tanaka, whose face was flushed a dark shade of red.

“Carry on!” Tanaka said waving them away.

“Is that question three?” Hinata asked in relief. “If I like Sonia?”

“Kind of a waste, if you ask me.” Komaeda mused. “I’m quite sure Hinata-kun hasn’t met anyone by the name of Sonia. Let’s ask another question, why don’t we?”

“H-hey!” Hinata protested. “It was a proper question. That’s cheating!”

“Is it?” Hinata was painfully aware of how carefully Komaeda was looking at him, his gray eyes scanning his face, waiting for some kind of answer and Hinata was fairly sure even his friends must have noticed something odd by now.

“Well, alright.” Souda sighed. “Let’s see…describe that person for us.”

“I thought this was a game to get to know each other better!” Hinata protested, shaking his head. “Why are you so hung up on who I like? It kinda defeats the purpose of the game.”

“Let’s just go along with it for now, Hinata-kun. It’s fun, isn’t it?” Komaeda’s voice was low, whispering devilishly to him and he groaned, utterly defeated.

“Alright fine. Whatever.”

“So….?” Souda prompted.

Hinata looked to the side and found Naegi already dozing off, slumped against the futon without anyone noticing. Tanaka was in a similar position, curled fetal position in the corner of the room, apparently not needing any covers to keep warm.

He sighed, hoping everyone else would fall asleep before the game ended. He really wasn’t looking forward to answering all the questions. “They’re, uh, smart? And I…I like the way they talk, you know. It’s nice…”

“That’s not describing it very well.” Kuzuryuu yawned, heading over to the futon and pulling the sheets over his feet.

“What else am I supposed to say?!”

“How about to tell us what you like about them?” Komaeda suggested, grinning widely, knowing that everyone else wasn’t paying much attention anymore. Souda was eyeing Kuzuryuu jealously because he’d taken over his futon.

“That’s the fourth question.” Hinata said.

“Alright, fourth it is.”

“Do I really have to answer that?”

“Yes, god dammit!” Souda muttered, pulling the sheets from Kuzuryuu and squeezing into the futon with Kuzuryuu.

“You’re all going to sleep, why do I have to answer?” Hinata groaned. “And there’s just one futon left…how are we going to sleep anyway?”

“You share with Komaeda.” Kuzuryuu said, waving a hand dismissively. Hinata’s heart did a back flip in his chest. “Back to the questions for now. We’re waiting.”

Hinata sighed, lowering his head in defeat. What could he say? What could he say that wouldn’t end up embarrassing him in front of his friends forever?

He looked at Komaeda and found the boy resting his hand on the table, looking at him curiously. He smiled encouragingly and Hinata gulped. Might as well say it.

“That person’s smile. And the way they’re always so kind to me…being with that person makes me feel calm.” Hinata said, wishing he could bury himself under the earth.

“That sounds cute, what the hell?” Souda said, getting up. “You almost sound like a girl!”

“Shut up! Why are we doing this in the first place?” Hinata placed his face in his hands, really and truly wishing he could disappear. “You’re just making fun of me aren’t you?”

“That wasn’t the intention at all, Hinata-kun!” Komaeda spoke up in horrification. “And besides…you did sound cute saying it.”

“See?” Souda said, yawning again which made Hinata yawn as well.

Kuzuryuu was getting up too, shuffling uncomfortably, and pushing the covers off his legs. Hinata wondered what was happening to him. “Don’t take it to heart. I just wanted to see if you felt the same way we all do.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Hinata asked him, feeling a little offended.

“That you’re not a homo…maybe.” The boy said quickly got up, the same time as Kuzuryuu. Hinata felt a sting in his chest but was quickly distracted by the boys shaking around uncomfortably. “Shit. I drank too much tea. I need to pee.”

“Bastard.” Kuzuryuu groaned. “What did you put in that tea? My stomach’s rumbling like crazy.”

Komaeda looked at them sympathetically and Hinata felt an odd sense of satisfaction watching them shuffling like that. They rushed out of the room --quick to wear their sandals-- and headed down the stairs.

 It was suddenly very quiet and Hinata felt the absence of their noise as a welcome distraction. He just hoped that when they came back, they wouldn’t ask him to continue the game. At this rate, the last question would probably have been about _who_ he liked- and that wasn’t going to be easy to answer no matter how he looked at it.

Hinata turned to look at Komaeda, folding his arms across his chest. “That was mean, you know.” he said, unable to help sounding like a child. “You enjoyed asking me those questions, didn’t you?”

Komaeda laughed softly. “I actually wanted to ask you normal questions, you know. Apparently our friends didn’t want that, though.”

“Don’t lie to me! You were so into it!”

Komaeda smiled. “That’s true. It was fun watching you answer those questions so honestly, after all.”

“B-but you already knew what the answers were!” Hinata protested, lowering his voice when Naegi shifted in bed next to them. “It’s not fair to make me say them out loud…”

“At least you didn’t have to tell them _who_ the person you like is.” Komaeda said, eyes glimmering as he leaned forward, completely aware of what he was doing. Hinata inched back, trying to look at him strictly.

“I’m so sure that’s what the last question was.” Hinata relented, smiling when Komaeda got up, reaching out his hand for Hinata.

He grabbed it and got up, following Komaeda to the laid out futon in the corner- Hinata’s. His stomach lurched a little at the thought of sharing it with him.

“Let’s get inside before those two show up.” Komaeda said and quickly got under the covers, waving over for Hinata to join. The futon wasn’t exactly wide and Hinata’s heartbeat sped up at the idea of sleeping with him, bodies almost touching.

“What are you acting so shy for, Hinata-kun? It’s just a futon” Komaeda raised an eyebrow. “…Or do you really want to make Souda-kun and Kuzuryuu-kun finish the game?”

Hinata shook his head. “Anything but that.” he said and sat down on the futon, trying not to touch the boy.

“Good.” Komaeda said, satisfied and pulled Hinata by the hand, making him stumble until he was laying head first on the soft sheets, his head pressed close to Komaeda’s chest.

Hinata made to move away but the door opened at the same moment and he paused where he was. His heart hammered loudly, almost uncomfortably, in his chest and his ear was pressed against Komaeda’s heart.

He heard Souda sigh. “I really don’t know how much I drank but that was just too much!”

“And you mixed in something too, didn’t you?” Kuzuryuu yelled and then paused. “What the fuck? Everyone’s asleep already?”

Hinata tried not to move and Komaeda’s hand circled around his waist, keeping him there. He really hoped the two didn’t notice how they were almost embracing.

“Let’s go to sleep, too.” Souda said dejectedly. “It’s not like we have anything else to do.”

Kuzuryuu grumbled in agreement and Hinata heard the sheets sliding apart, as the two shifted in and huddled together.

“Stop kicking me, dammit!” Kuzuryuu hissed, trying to keep his voice low. “Can’t you stay still?”

“What am I supposed to do? You’re too short!”

“What the _fuck_ did you say?”

Komaeda chuckled, his voice soft next to Hinata’s ear, almost vibrating in his chest. He had a hard time trying to keep a straight face, imagining what Kuzuryuu and Souda must look like right now.

“Can’t you just sleep like those two over there? They look so comfortable.” Souda said and Hinata was pretty sure he meant the two of them. Komaeda’s body went rigid next to him and that confirmed his suspicions. He felt the tips of his ears burn.

 “Are you telling me you want me to spoon with you?” Kuzuryuu asked, clearly offended. “No way in hell!”

“Fine, then! You’re going to have to get used to being kicked!”

“Fine!”

Hinata heard the sheets rustle some more and then the room finally went quiet.

They waited a few minutes, hoping the boys had fallen asleep, before finally disentangling. Hinata immediately felt a little cold but with the way his heart was hammering in his chest, he was a little glad that he wasn’t touching Komaeda anymore. Their legs were still locked together, Komaeda’s knee pressing into Hinata’s thigh.

“Are they asleep?” Hinata whispered, finally. Komaeda nodded, peering around the room, a smile on his lips.

“They look so…precious.” Komaeda said, pointing over to the two boys, sleeping huddled close together, Kuzuryuu’s back pressed into Souda’s chest.

“Peaceful, surprisingly.” Hinata noted, feeling warm at the sight.

Komaeda hummed in response and Hinata stared at the wall ahead, not wanting to turn back to see his face. He had a feeling he wouldn’t be able to stay calm if he did.

Komaeda tapped him on the shoulder after a while and Hinata finally turned towards him, moving slowly so the sheets remained covering them. Their eyes met and Komaeda smiled warmly.

“Hey there, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda said softly.

Hinata smiled as well. “…Hey,”

 “I was starting to think you were trying to avoid me.”

Hinata shuffled a little closer and their chests touched. “Well…that’s not too far from the truth.”

“So you _were_ avoiding me? That’s a little mean, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda sighed, reaching out his hand to touch Hinata’s shoulder.

“Only because it’s a little awkward….to sleep like this.” He looked at their bodies so close together, his heart beating almost calmly in his chest now.

He could feel Komaeda’s pulse under his wrist where his hand was slowly moving towards Hinata’s neck. He shivered.

“It’s a little close, that’s true. But I don’t mind if it’s with you.” Komaeda smiled again, whispering so softly that it made goose bumps creep along Hinata’s skin and down his spine.

“Neither do I…I like it.” He felt a little bolder now that they were facing each other, regarding the other carefully and watching the smallest changes in each other’s expressions so closely that it almost felt surreal.

Hinata could see the soft shadows Komaeda’s eyelashes cast on the curve of his cheek and the way his lips looked soft but chapped from the cold. His cheeks were slightly flushed and that made his own face heat up in response.

“It’s nice like this, isn’t it?” Komaeda said when he noticed Hinata staring at him. “Sleeping over, just like friends. I’ve never done that before.”

Hinata thought about it and felt a little sad for Komaeda, not having friends who would invite him over to have fun. It sounded like a lonely childhood- not one that he would have liked. Despite being so rich, despite having so many things Hinata could never have, he didn’t think Komaeda was happy with a life like that.  

Slowly, he reached out to touch Komaeda’s cheek, tucking some loose strands of hair behind the hollow of his ear. Komaeda smile sheepishly and Hinata felt his skin, warm against the tips of his fingers-painfully aware of how blessed he was to be lying beside him.

“I hope you enjoyed staying over, tonight.” He said, trying hard to keep his voice low. “It’s been a while since I’ve had a sleepover, too.”

“Was it fun when you used to do it back home?” Komaeda asked, propping his elbow on the floor to raise his body, looking at him directly.

Hinata mirrored his pose and nodded. “A lot less embarrassing, that’s for sure.”

“Are you still blaming me for that, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda laughed softly, biting his lip.

“I’m sure you had fun listening to me talk about you, so it’s fine.”

Komaeda didn’t answer. Instead he lowered himself back to the futon, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. Hinata lay down beside him so that their shoulders touched and turned just the slightest to rest his head on the boy’s shoulder. He pressed his forehead into the curve and let Komaeda’s scent wash over him- sweet and warm.

“I wish we could do this more often, you know.” Hinata said, feeling almost vulnerable as he did. “It’s so much fun being around you, Komaeda.”

“It’s going to be hard doing things like _this_ from now on, isn’t it?” Komaeda said, turning around to face him, resting a hand on Hinata’s chest. His pulse sped up and he was sure Komaeda had noticed.

He licked his lips and turned to find Komaeda looking at him, his expression warm and open. “Things like what?” he asked, even though he knew exactly what he meant.

“Things like this.” Komaeda said simply, leaning forward to kiss him.

Hinata closed his eyes, waiting for the warm brush of lips on his but only felt Komaeda’s nose bump against his cheek. Hinata’s nervousness dissolved just like that and he stifled a laugh when Komaeda winced, his ears turning red.

“I can’t believe you missed,” Hinata barely managed to keep his voice level, shoulders shaking. “That was _so_ smooth.”

Komaeda huffed. “Well it’s not like I have any more experience than you do. Can you blame me?”

Hinata slid his hand under the sheets and wound his fingers between Komaeda’s, pulling them towards his chest- showing him how fast his heart was beating. “It’s okay…we can learn together.”

Komaeda smiled at that. “Really, Hinata-kun…you’re surprisingly calm about this.”

“Shouldn’t I be?”

“Well…it’s a little _weird_ isn’t it?”

Hinata thought of Souda’s words, how he’d thought it wasn’t normal if he didn’t like girls.

He found he really didn’t care. “I don’t mind weird. Do _you_?”

Komaeda paused to look at him, trying to read his expression and Hinata smiled. He saw the boy make a decision- watched him close his eyes and shift again, pulling Hinata forward so that he nearly stumbled and fell on top of him, their faces inches apart.

“I wouldn’t be sleeping with you if I minded weird, Hinata-kun.” he said, and caressed Hinata’s cheeks with his fingers, tracing ghost circles across his skin and moving his hand towards his jaw.

Hinata blinked and looked at Komaeda, lying under him, looking at him so vulnerably that it took his breath away. Maybe it was because it was so late, maybe it was just the kind of painful honesty that came over a person when they were spending time at a friend’s place --tired eyes and elated spirits-- but Hinata felt bold and he knew Komaeda did too.

Hinata looked self consciously to the side and felt like he was taking a huge risk.

And then he thought: _Everyone’s sleeping._

Gently, he titled Komaeda’s chin upwards and pressed his lips to his, feeling the way Komaeda’s breath hitched before he eased into the touch, turning his head to the side to make his lips more accessible. Hinata’s hands ached from holding himself up like this but Komaeda’s arms went around his neck, pulling him closer so their chests touched and Hinata could almost hear the way Komaeda’s heart was about to burst out of his chest. He felt the same way, and the fact that he could make Komaeda feel like this nearly made his body go limp under him.

They changed positions, not letting go of each other, and turned to the side so they faced each other –heads resting on the pillow. It was easier for Hinata to feel him and the way their bodies were pressed together this way.

They tried to keep quiet as they kissed and it was hard to do that without keeping their mouths closed, lips sliding against the other’s slowly. Their breaths came in short gaps when they broke apart for air, only to kiss again. Komaeda’s hand slid down Hinata’s shirt, tracing the skin across his stomach and then resting on the curve of his hipbone. Hinata jolted at the touch but didn’t move away, feeling bliss in each cell of his body, his heart thrumming with such a tangible kind of joy that he could almost reach out and grasp it.

He didn’t notice Komaeda move until he felt his knee press firmly between his legs and Hinata jerked back and broke the kiss, a stifled gasp escaping his lips as he did. Komaeda made a noise of protest and Hinata felt heat pool at the bottom of his stomach. He flushed because he hadn’t noticed it until now, but their close proximity was _doing things_ to Hinata and he wasn’t sure if he was ready for anything more than that with his friends sleeping right next to them.

Komaeda seemed to notice the hesitation on Hinata’s face and smiled in embarrassment. “I think we should just go to sleep, don’t you think?”

Hinata nodded quickly. “I’m going to face the other side, okay?”

Komaeda his cheeks flushed a deep red and he nodded. Hinata ducked his head to place a chaste kiss on the boy’s lips before moving and turning his back to him.

His heart was still hammering in his chest and the air around them felt so suffused with warmth and love that it made Hinata feel like crying. It was an odd, almost alien, feeling. He wanted to cry and even though he wasn’t sad, he couldn’t help feeling something prickle in the back of his eyes.

He’d never known what love was like before this and it was clearly the reason he felt so much like crying and wanting to stay just like this, their bodies pressed close, feeling happiness in the very core of his being. If he had to describe bliss, it would be this, just the calm silence before going to sleep as he listened to the shallow breathing of the boy- like a lullaby that slowly brought his own eyes to a close.

He turned back just once and looked at Komaeda’s back. His white hair pooled around the single pillow they shared.

“Hey, Komaeda?” his voice broke the silence and he waited for a response. “I really like you…did you know that?”

Komaeda didn’t answer, and his breathing came in soft, deep breaths. He smiled to himself and pulled his arms around the boy’s waist, closing his eyes and drowning in Komaeda’s scent, warm and pleasant- just like home.

“When you’re awake…I’ll make sure I say it you. Even if you know it already.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmmm i decided since it was new year's and hinata's birthday too i might as well update! ^O^  
> i pray everyone has a really good year ahead of them, full of happiness and lots of smiles!!!  
> i hope you enjoyed the chapter  
> im still on hiatus, and this will probably be the last update in a while but im still working on this fic yes. hope to see you soon


	14. Withdraw

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> An autumn eve:  
> See the valley mists arise  
> Among the fir leaves  
> That still hold the dripping wet  
> Of the chill day’s sudden showers.  
> -Jakuren-hôshi

_29 th March, 1923  
12th year of the Taisho Era_

Kuzuryuu tapped his foot against the floorboard, listening to the creak and groan of the wood as his foot pressed against it. The noise was hardly audible over the incessant babbling of the students—huddled up in a circle— chatting and acting as if they had important matters to discuss.

He sighed. Sometimes he really wished he could quit the godforsaken movement and leave so that he didn’t have to bother with all the drama anymore. Still, he stayed, if only because he wanted to see how it would all end, and partly because he still hoped he could somehow take control of the movement and make it his own. It would have made a good way to prove to his old man that he wasn’t just a worthless son— that _he_ was the rightful heir to the clan, not his sister.

This was the third time this week that Matsuda had called over all the members for a meeting but as usual, it turned up with nothing, not a single worthwhile decision that would actually make the school change its way of thinking. With the way things were going, he was sure that the strikes would only get worse and it was bound to end in violence if it got to that point.

He pushed himself off the wall he was leaning on and was almost about to leave when the sounds of the whispers diminished. Their eyes shifted to the other end of the dark, dingy auditorium they’d been gathered in and he narrowed his eyes, almost doubting his perfect vision for once.

“Komaeda?” he muttered as he moved forward to get a better look. Sure enough, the white haired boy walked into the room like he owned the place, heading straight into the circle where Enoshima was hissing orders into someone’s ear.

Kuzuryuu couldn’t help it, he pushed aside the kids standing next to him and pressed into the circle too, trying to see what was going on. What was the boy doing in here? As far as he’d known, Komaeda was never part of the movement. All he’d known was that Enoshima seemed to have a strong interest in him.

And that Matsuda was his roommate.

“Shit…!” he cursed to himself as his head reeled with the realization that the boy _was_ involved with the rest of them. He’d been suspicious, yes, but he’d never really given it much thought at all before this.

He stared at him, saw the boy tap Enoshima on the shoulder and gesture towards the end of the room, where the black curtains covered the backstage. Enoshima shrugged and didn’t move. Komaeda sighed and put his hands on his hips, regarding her with a cool gaze.

“I’m not working with you anymore.” Kuzuryuu barely caught the words but everyone finally shut up, the focus of their attention turning to the boy.

“Ah? What’s this?” Enoshima asked “Quitting already?”

“You don’t have any use of me. Not anymore.” Komaeda said curtly.

“Of course we do! That’s why you’re still with us, you know. Working from the sidelines.”

“I thought this movement might actually do some good to the school but that’s clearly not the case. All you’re doing is making things worse for everyone around you.” Komaeda turned to regard the students watching him and Kuzuryuu thought their eyes met for a fleeting moment before he moved on. “All of you are just destroying your own futures. It’s going to end in destruction and no matter how you look at it; it’s going to be in the school’s favor.”

His words seemed to rile the crowd somewhat, and Kuzuryuu felt the growing tension in the air, making the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

“Oh, Komaeda-kun…It’s one thing for you to leave the movement…our _noble_ cause-” Komaeda scoffed as she said the words. “-but it’s another thing entirely if you emotionally _blackmail_ the members! Do you really think this is going to stop us?”

“It was just a warning. I intend to leave either way so I won’t bother you.” 

Enoshima looked at him, her eyes scanning his face. Matsuda, who stood behind her, looked just as uncomfortable as Komaeda. “Alright…you can leave. But did you really think that if you leave at this point you’ll be able to get away unscathed? Your support was the very reason our movement became so strong in the first place!”

Kuzuryuu saw the way Komaeda’s hands clenched into fists at his sides before he smiled— the same infuriatingly fake smile he always had on his face. “Do you really think I don’t know that already, Enoshima-san?”

Enoshima shrugged, stepping forward and patting Komaeda on the back. “I’m just glad you know where you’re standing, Komaeda-kun. It’s not a very enviable position, is it?” she said in a voice tinged with laughter. “What’s with the sudden change of heart anyway? Did you meet someone who made your heart softer? Did you decide that disappointing them would have been worse than getting caught with us?” Something must have changed in Komaeda’s expression because she clapped her hands together and laughed. “Oh! I see….so I _was_ right!”

“I don’t see how that concerns you, Enoshima san,” Komaeda smiled before turning on his heels and waving at her. “But you should be careful, just in case. I’m not as cornered as you might think just yet.”

The boy was out before the Enoshima could reply and Kuzuryuu watched him go.  He bit his thumb in frustration because he was unable to think of a reason why the boy was trying to get out so late in the game. The way things were going, it wouldn’t be long before the entire movement spiraled out of control.

And if that happened-

Enoshima cackled, her voice echoing in the too-full halls. “Of course he can’t get out of it like that!” she said, looking at everyone. “It might have caught me off guard, but I still have an ace or two up my sleeve!”

\---

Souda frowned as he sat down on the bench in Kuzuryuu’s garden. He looked at Kuzuryuu biting his thumb as he paced the area.

“So you’re telling me Komaeda’s in the movement too?” he asked, not really understanding how that was possible. “You’re kidding right?”

“Do I look like I’m fucking joking?” Kuzuryuu spun on his heels to look at him. “The bastard thinks he can just get away with quitting halfway like a coward and making the rest of us take the fall instead!”

“Why d’you think that?” Souda asked, leaning forward. “If…if he does quit, it doesn’t mean he’ll rat you guys out, you know. I _know_ he isn’t someone who’d do that.”

Kuzuryuu bit his thumb. “He sounded so sure of himself. I bet he’s got something planned.”

Souda found it hard to believe. He’d known Komaeda for almost a year now and over the time he’d learnt that he was an ass sometimes, sure, but he doubted he’d actually do anything that would put all the other students in jeopardy.

“The question is…why’d he keep it a secret from all of us?” he mused.

He watched Kuzuryuu think about it, narrowing his eyes and huffing before his eyes lit up in realization and he winced.

“What—” Souda began to ask.

“It’s probably because of Hinata.” He said, smiling ruefully. “If there’s one thing I’ve learnt about him, it’s that Hinata hates the movement. He really wouldn’t have liked his best friend joining it, would he?”

\---

Hinata had noticed that Souda was acting weird ever since he’d woken up in the morning after their night they’d spent with Komaeda in their room. It was almost a relief that he’d woken up early because his body had been curled around Komaeda’s and passing it off as innocent snuggling would have been pushing it.

Still, Hinata was sure something was wrong and, feeling oddly nervous, he waited until everyone left in order to confront him.

“Souda, why are you acting so weird around me?” he asked, getting to the matter directly. “Did I do something?”

Souda flinched and shook his head, quickly averting his eyes. Hinata waited until he’d stop squirming and leveled him with a fixed glare.

“Souda…” He said in a warning tone.

The boy seemed to be going through an internal struggle before he finally relented, shoulders sagging as he looked at him. “You…you’re d- _dating_ Komaeda, aren’t you?”

The way he said the word almost made Hinata’s face grow cold, a feeling of dread passing through him.

He took a deep breath. “How did you find out?”

Souda’s eyes widened. “So it’s true?”

Hinata saw no reason to lie, and almost felt a little relieved that he didn’t have to keep it from his friend. It hadn’t really bothered him but it still felt wrong to keep it a secret. As if he was ashamed of being with Komaeda.

He nodded.

“I…I see.” Souda barely managed to speak. “That’s cool.”

Hinata felt a gnawing sense of guilt swirl within him at the thought of Souda not liking the truth. Was this what it would be like from now on? Would he be forced to just stay silent about his feelings, just because they weren’t part of the norm?

“Are you disappointed in me?” he asked, sitting down next to him and feeling a little glad when Souda didn’t move away from him. “Is it bad…?”

He didn’t really know why he was asking the boy, but somehow saying it aloud made his own doubts come to the forefront.

While he was undeniably happy—happier than he’d felt in years—he couldn’t stop the nagging feeling that it was going to end badly. That it was too good to be true.

Souda shook his head and smacked Hinata on the back. “Nah, I don’t really care about that stuff. I kinda had the feeling it was like that.”

“How’d you find out?”

Souda flushed and looked away which made Hinata just as embarrassed for some reason. “I uh…I saw you guys kissing last night…Did you really think no one would wake up to that?”

Hinata’s face flushed and he smacked his forehead, wishing he could drown himself. “I thought you guys were asleep.”

“Like I said…it was kinda _noisy_.” Souda cheeks had turned the same color as his hair and Hinata found it almost laughable how embarrassed the boy was.

“Did…did Kuzuryuu see, too?” Somehow the thought made him want to cry. Even though Souda had approved of this, there was no way Kuzuryuu would take the news lightly.

“He was out like a light the moment he lay down on the futon. Don’t worry!” Souda said, seeing through his worries.

Hinata smiled in relief. “So…you’re okay with it then?”

Souda shrugged. “It’s fine, of course it’s fine!” he said and then frowned. “But why Komaeda, of all people?”

“Is something wrong with liking Komaeda?” Hinata couldn’t help the offended tone his voice took.

Souda didn’t answer for a while, as if he was on the verge of saying and not saying something. “…No.” he finally said and slumped into the cushion, eyes closed. “As long as you’re happy.”

Hinata nodded, thinking of the night he’d spent with Komaeda and feeling warm. “I am.”

\---

_5 th April, 1923  
12th year of the Taisho Era_

The three of them –minus Kuzuryuu– walked to school as usual but the air around them was heavy and no one kept up the usual banter on the way as if to emphasize that. The school year had ended so fast that Komaeda was in shock, still unable to register the fact that they were now entering their final year of high school and would be studying in different classes.

They stopped at the front of the black arched gates and stared at the school building—a sight they’d been so used to by now— and it suddenly felt almost alien to him. New classes, new students to study with—no Hinata or Souda with him.

He reluctantly turned to look at Hinata and found the boy smiling ruefully at him. “Feels kinda odd, huh?” he said “It was around this time last year that we first met.”

He felt a pang in his chest as he looked at the boy standing next to him. He’d never really thought he would come to care about him so much. “And now it’s like we’ve never _not_ known each other, Hinata-kun.”

He saw a faint flush rise to Hinata’s cheeks at that and Souda grumbled, hefting his bag from one shoulder to the other. “You guys sound like you’re never going to meet again!” he said “It’s not like someone died, we’re just in different classes, is all! Let’s check out the main course classes with Komaeda, huh?”

They paused and Souda cast a furtive glance in Hinata’s direction. Hinata shrugged and nodded. “Why not? I want to see too.”

Komaeda was almost proud of how nonchalant Hinata sounded when he spoke like that but he was sure that it wasn’t going to be easy for him, having to see the place where he couldn’t even study.

They walked in and headed towards the upper floors of the building that housed the main course classes and all the facilities they required. Komaeda felt a little odd, going towards a part of the building he’d never set foot in and when he saw students walking proudly in their black uniforms, he felt like he should act similarly. But he couldn’t bring himself to, not when he still felt resentful of the way the school handled admissions into this course.

“It’s almost the same as the main building.” Hinata noted in a clinical manner, not a hint of emotion in his voice. “The flooring, the layout…even the classroom size.”

Komaeda nodded, mostly to himself as he made the same observations as Hinata. He wasn’t really surprised— the school’s interior was well maintained anyway and the main course wasn’t really exempt to that. He was silently thankful it wasn’t furnished over the top in any way because then he could almost believe it was a normal class just like all the other classes.

He only had to cast a glance in Hinata’s direction to know he was convincing himself of the same thing.

The bell rang before Komaeda could say anything and Hinata sighed, reluctantly casting a last glance at the floor before smiling at Komaeda.

“I guess we’ll meet after school ends then,” he said, gesturing vaguely towards Souda. “I’ll be waiting at the gate.”

“I’d like that, Hinata-kun,” he said and waved them off before heading into the class right at the end of the corridor.

Everyone was already seated and a few of them looked at him curiously before turning their attention back to the blackboard in front of them. Komaeda felt like he’d imagined it, but the room felt quieter as he walked in and placed his bag on the seat at the back end of the class. It was the only seat that was left.

He sat down and waited, looking around at the classmates and noting that he’d seen most of them at one place or the other.  He’d seen most of them at his father’s banquets but he didn’t recall talking to any of them.

He waved over to the boy sitting next to him, an heir to one of the bigger businesses in Tokyo and caught his eyes for a split second before the boy looked away as if he’d been scathed. Komaeda frowned, not sure if he’d done something wrong.

He caught a boy sneering at him when he looked to his right and Komaeda smiled at him, fully aware that he was being mocked as the pathetic loser who sat alone at the back of the class. It felt odd but familiar and he lowered his eyes, thinking of how different it was from last year.

He’d almost forgotten what it felt like to be treated like air by the ones he would have called his classmates.

He stared at the clock and hoped class would start soon.

\---

Hinata stared at the teacher and noted, in the back of his mind, that he was supposed to copy down what was being written on the board but he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it. He looked at the worn leather notebook that lay closed next to his elbow and flipped through the pages absentmindedly, wondering why he’d ever taken so much effort to write in them.

He wasn’t sure what brought him to this conclusion, but sitting in the reserve course and studying things he had no interest in ever pursuing, he felt like screaming. Souda was sitting at the exact opposite side of the classroom and he wasn’t sure he even knew the boy sitting next to him. He’d seen him before, sure, but he’d never talked to him. And when he saw how eagerly he was noting down what the teacher said, Hinata felt like he really didn’t want to do the same.

It felt like an eternity had passed when the last bell finally rang and Hinata was grabbing his bag before the teacher had even left the classroom. He ran straight to the front of the gates, not bothering to see where he was going.

He finally felt like he could breathe again.

“Oi! You could have waited for me, at least!” Souda yelled, as he ran after him, his breath heaving.

Hinata shrugged. “I just wanted to get out of there as soon as possible.”

“I feel you,” Souda grimaced. “It felt like I was suffocating in there. It just feels wrong to know even you have to put up with such a shitty course.”

Hinata tried, but he couldn’t stop the wave of shame he felt when Souda said that. His face felt hot. “I wonder where Komaeda is.” he said instead of answering the boy.

“He’s probably on his way.” Souda said, almost sounding tired at the thought. “I think I’ll go on ahead so you can talk to him all you like.”

Hinata caught him by the arm as the boy made to leave. “Wait, Souda! You don’t have to do that, you know.” he said. “We can all go home together like we used to. I don’t want things to change between us just because Komaeda and I are-”

Souda shook his head. “That’s not it!” he said. “Really…it isn’t.”

“Then why’re you going on ahead of us?” he asked. “Kuzuryuu’s going to be pissed off too if you do.”

Souda lowered his head and sighed. “Kuzuryuu probably left before us.”

“What?” Hinata frowned. “Why?”

Souda didn’t meet his eyes. “I dunno.”

Hinata could tell by the way Souda gripped at his cap that he was lying. Kuzuryuu hadn’t shown up in the morning either even though he was usually the most prompt at it. He wasn’t sure what that meant, though.

“Is it always going to be like this from now on?” he asked, his own voice sounding hurt to him. “Did I do something wrong, Souda?”

“No! No, you didn’t,” Souda quickly said, biting his thumb between his teeth. “I just…Kuzuryuu’s pissed off at something and I need to be there for—”

Hinata heard Komaeda’s voice from behind him and Souda stopped what he’d been saying as soon as he saw him.

“Shit,” Souda muttered and Hinata wouldn’t have caught it if he hadn’t been standing so close to Souda. “I’ll…I’ll see you later, Hinata. I’m getting late.”

“W-wait, Souda!” Hinata called out but Souda had already run off out of the gates, his bag swishing behind him.

“What’s wrong with Souda-kun?” Komaeda asked.

Hinata shook his head. “I don’t know. He said he needed to go to Kuzuryuu.”

Komaeda tapped his chin with a finger. “He didn’t show up today…is something wrong?”

“Souda said he was pissed about something. I wonder what it was…”

Komaeda pressed his lips together and started walking. “I’m sure it’s nothing regarding us, Hinata-kun,” he said and paused before speaking again. “You shouldn’t worry about it…it’ll be alright.”

Hinata couldn’t help feeling out of the loop “Are you sure about that?”

Komaeda made to wave a dismissive hand towards Hinata but he paused in the movement—his hand stopping midair. He winced and retracted it before he could cast more than a glance.

“What happened to your hand?” Hinata asked, attention piqued suddenly because of the boy’s pained face.

Komaeda smiled sheepishly and turned to the side, avoiding Hinata’s eye. “It’s nothing, don’t worry about it!”

“It can’t be ‘nothing’ if it’s hurting you!” he grabbed Komaeda’s arm. “Show me your hand, Komaeda.”

Komaeda huffed and reluctantly brought his hand in front of him. It had looked red and swollen and altogether painful. Hinata paled and watched Komaeda smile a little before putting his arm behind his back again, clearly uncomfortable.

 

Hinata grabbed Komaeda’s arm, pulling him along as he rushed back home, hoping he could get him some proper treatment.

“How did this happen?” he asked him as they walked back. Hinata took quick steps and Komaeda unwillingly followed.

“You don’t have to sound so worried, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda’s voice was soft. “A classmate of mine accidentally shut the door on my hand.”

Hinata turned to look at him. “What the hell?” he couldn’t help the way his voice rose. “Are you sure it was an accident?”

“You don’t have to take everything to heart, you know. It was probably an accident.”

“Probably, huh?” Hinata echoed as they neared the inn. “I hope it doesn’t hurt too much. Didn’t you get any help at school?”

“It didn’t really hurt.”

Hinata raised an eyebrow. “It looks painful to me.”

Komaeda shook his head, being led along as Hinata took him up the stairs, onto the third floor where Hinata’s room was.

Hinata slid open the door and gestured for Komaeda to sit on the cushions while he rummaged through his cupboard, in search of bandages and ointment.

“Souda-kun isn’t home yet…” Komaeda observed. Hinata could tell it was probably a way to break the silence between them.

He pulled out a small box from a shelf up high and coughed when motes of dust flew up on opening the lid “He’s with Kuzuryuu most likely. I guess he’ll be back later.”

Komaeda nodded and looked up as Hinata walked over to him and sat down, pulling out cotton bandages and some herbal ointment.

Hinata reached out his hand. “Give me your hand…I’m going to put some of this salve on it.”

Komaeda wordlessly put it in Hinata’s hand and he set to work, slowly putting on cream with his fingers.

“So…” Hinata began, “How was class?”

Komaeda sighed. “Boring. It’s no fun without you, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata’s face warmed, embarrassingly happy about what Komaeda had said. “I…It was the same for me.”

Komaeda smiled, looking at the hand Hinata was focusing his attention on. “I wish I could study with you. If I’d known what it would be like in the main course, I would have qui—” he abruptly cut himself off but Hinata didn’t speak.

He laughed softly, embarrassed about what he had been about to say. “Nevermind. I don’t think that would be a very nice thing to do.”

“It’s kinda lonely without you sitting next to me,” Hinata said instead, moving on to cover his hand with bandages. The skin still looked red and painful and he wondered how hard his classmate had banged the door on it for it to look like that. It made him a little angry just thinking about it. “I don’t even know half the guys in my class as well as I’d want to.”

“I think I know what you mean,” he said but something in his voice hinted that he wasn’t entirely happy about saying it.

“The guys in your class…did you become friends with any of them?” Hinata said, making sure to tie the bandage gently. Komaeda flinched as he twirled the white piece of cotton around his palm.

“It’s funny that you’d mention that,” Komaeda said, slowly retracting his hand from Hinata’s. “I don’t I’ve ever had classmates who got along with me before. It’s the same even now.”

Hinata frowned. “I’ll take that as a no, then.”

Komaeda laughed softly. “Isn’t it amazing how easily our habits can change?” he said “Even though I’ve lived the same life for 16 years, just one year in Tokyo—a year with you—has changed my way of viewing things entirely.”

Hinata thought of how he had come to see so many new things too. How, from a simple son of a fisherman, he’d come to experience and feel so much more than he could have dreamed of. “I think I know what you mean.”

Komaeda smiled as he looked at his hand. “I should be used to being alone, with no more company than my mother and grandfather” he said. “…If you live like that long enough, you almost forget what it’s like to interact with people your own age.”

Komaeda never really talked much about his life back in Nikko, but from the small tidbits he’d gathered in between their conversations, he’d learnt that he’d gone to Nikko when his mother had taken sick with—tuberculosis, was it?—and he’d stayed with her and his grandfather ever since.

Somehow, a life like that didn’t seem like a very happy one. But Komaeda never let him in on that and Hinata never pried, leaving it in the air like so many other questions he wanted to, but couldn’t, ask.

“But we can always learn to change ourselves according to the circumstances, right?” he said, getting up to sit next to Komaeda, a form of comfort if nothing else. “I think you got along with us just fine.”

Komaeda laughed softly and looked at him with something soft in his eyes. “That’s what puzzles me the most. It’s my first time feeling so at home.”

Komaeda said it so simply, with the barest hint of wonderment in his voice that Hinata’s face warmed and he smiled. Knowing that he’d spent so much of his life without friends he could truly cherish, he felt himself sympathizing with the boy.

“But you’re happy with us, aren’t you?” he said “…We won’t let you be alone, anymore.”

Komaeda moved his bandaged hand so it lay next to Hinata’s and their fingers brushed just the slightest. “It’s a little difficult to convince myself of that...I don’t think I could have gotten to this point if I hadn’t met you, Hinata-kun.”

“A-ah, don’t underestimate yourself.” He said, a blush rising to his cheeks. “I’m sure you would have been happy even without meeting me.”

Komaeda shook his head and smiled. “Don’t be so fast to judge.”

“That’s awfully pessimistic coming from you.”

“You might be right about that.” Komaeda said, looking ahead, his eyes staring out of the window at the cherry blossom trees outside— falling, ever so slowly, towards the earth. “It’s not possible to be hopeful about everything right?”

Hinata knew what Komaeda said had some truth in it but somehow, sitting in the room with just Komaeda by his side, he felt happy and fulfilled. A lot of things hadn’t gone the way he had wanted them to but if there was one thing he got out of it all, it was this.

He slowly entwined his fingers in Komaeda’s and turned his body so he was looking at him. “But you can be hopeful about _some_ things, right?”

Komaeda looked at their intertwined fingers and then at Hinata, a small smile forming on his lips. “That’s true…”

Hinata rested his head on Komaeda’s shoulder and closed his eyes. “All of this happiness…it doesn’t feel real, does it, Komaeda?”

He felt Komaeda stiffen slightly before relaxing again, a soft laugh escaping his lips. He leaned back, his bandaged hand slowly twirling Hinata’s hair in his fingers.

“I should be the one saying that, Hinata-kun.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updates should be (hopefully) be more regular from now on


	15. Lattice

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In a mountain stream  
> There is a wattled barrier  
> Built by the busy wind.  
> Yet it’s only maple leaves,  
> Powerless to flow away.  
> -Harumichi no Tsuraki

_12 th May_, _1923_ _  
_12__ _th_ _year of the Taisho Era_

Komaeda hadn’t expected Souda to show up at the front of his door, glaring angrily as he asked him to go on a walk with him. But in retrospect, it sounded like a perfectly normal thing for the boy to do. He did love meddling in his affairs after all. Especially when they concerned Hinata.

“So…” Komaeda tried not to play with his fingers as he regarded the angry boy pacing across the road while he sat on the bench. “Is there something you wanted to talk about, Souda-kun?”

Souda huffed, continuing to walk back and forth and wearing out the grass underneath him. “You tell me, Komaeda.”

“Really…you dragged me out of my room, took me on a walk and now you’re asking me why we’re here?” he feigned lightheartedness but his voice came out sounding worried, even to him. “Let’s just skip the formalities. Did you want to talk about Hinata-kun?”

Souda finally stopped to fix a glare at him, arms folded across his chest and his foot tapping the ground irritably. “You’re going out with Hinata. Is that true?”

Komaeda should have guessed it. He should have known by the looks the boy had been giving him for months that it was the case but it still surprised him. “Hinata-kun told you?”

Souda flushed and looked away. “I kinda found out about it myself but yeah, he did tell me when I asked.”

“I see…”

“Is that all you’re going to say?” Souda narrowed his eyes. “Aren’t you going to act even a bit surprised?”

“I guessed this was the case…you’ve been acting even weirder around me than you normally do,” Komaeda shrugged. “Did I do something wrong?”

Souda pointed an accusatory finger at him. “You know what you did wrong so stop acting like you don’t!”

“Huh? Souda-kun I really don’t—”

“You’re helping out the Shinjinkai! You _know_ Hinata hates that movement and yet you’re still a part of it!” Souda shook his head. “Did you even realize how inconsiderate you were?”

Komaeda tried to mask his emotions behind a smile but he could tell it had no effect from the way Souda’s eyes narrowed, waiting for him to answer. He hadn’t expected him to know about it and even though he’d quit the movement already, he couldn’t hide the way his stomach dropped a little at the thought of him telling Hinata.

“How did you find out?” he asked.

“Kuzuryuu saw you in one of the meetings.”

“I figured as much….”

“For someone who’s working behind the destruction of the school, you sound kinda chill about it.” Souda groaned. “Is that all you’ve got to say?”

Komaeda coughed. “I’ve already quit the movement. I’m not helping them out anymore so there’s no need to worry about it,” he said, but it sounded shallow excuse to convince himself that he hadn’t completely disregarded Hinata’s feelings when he’d joined the group. “It’s out of my hands…I never really meant to hurt Hinata-kun. I didn’t do it out of spite.”

“Then why’d you do it?” The boy shook his head “Were you bored? Was that it? Or did Matsuda talk you into it?”

“I don’t really know.” he sighed and looked at his hands, the feeling of being lost taking hold of him again. “I don’t think you should be asking me either way. Why does it matter to you?”

Souda squinted. “You really don’t care one bit about Hinata, do you?”

“What makes you think so?” Komaeda asked, trying to ignore the pang of guilt he felt at the words.

“You’re dating him but do you really like him? Sometimes I just feel like it’s Hinata who has feelings for you. You never show it and your actions just make it look even worse.”

Komaeda forced himself to meet Souda’s eyes. “Is that really what it looks like?”

“Knowing you, you haven’t even told him you like him yet…or that you’ve been working together with those bastards.”

It stung a little to know that Souda had realized the truth so easily. He’d been trying to avoid it, that much was true, but that didn’t mean he didn’t care for Hinata. It was the exact opposite, if anything. If he really admitted it to himself how deeply he felt for Hinata, he felt as if he’d destroy a part of himself with it.

“Telling him wouldn’t make much of a difference either way,” he said as he got up.

“He probably knows already…about the movement, you know.” Souda clicked his tongue.

Komaeda turned to look at him, his heartbeat loud in his chest.

“If he knows already why didn’t he confront me about it?” he asked even though the answer was clear as day.

He’d noticed the way Hinata sometimes seemed like he was in deep thought, as if he wanted to ask him something but was too afraid to do it. Komaeda had always tried to ignore it because maybe, in some deep part of his mind, he was afraid too.

His chest tightened at the thought.

Souda sighed. “It’s probably because he’s afraid of losing you if he does.”

\---

_20 th May, 1923_

Komaeda regarded Matsuda with a fixed look, waiting for the boy to finally look at him.

“What?” Matsuda asked, clearly irritated. Komaeda smiled and stood up, pacing the room and finally standing near the window. He looked out, at the summer sky and the clouds floating lazily by.

“Matsuda-kun, don’t you ever think Enoshima-san is using us?” he finally asked, unable to keep it off his mind any longer.

He’d already known when he’d willingly started helping her out but it was different at the time. He hadn’t really been thinking when he’d agreed and he wished he had. It would have saved him all this trouble.

Matsuda sighed and crossed his legs. “No.”

“You’re lying, aren’t you?” Komaeda turned to look at him “You would know best how easily she manipulates everyone…even you.”

“What’re you trying to say?” Matsuda, as always, tried to keep a straight face.

Having spent almost a year with him, Komaeda had learnt to judge when the boy was desperately trying to hide his feelings and his insecurities. Today seemed to be one of those days and he knew how to get a reaction out of him.

“I’m just saying that no matter how much she claims to love you, she’s still using you.”

Matsuda bristled and pushed away his bangs. “That’s none of your business.”

“Ah shame.” He sighed dramatically. “She did drag me into this as well so it’s kind of my problem now.”

“You already quit. What does it matter now?” the boy asked, rolling his eyes. Komaeda laughed softly.

“I’m quite sure that even though I’ve quit, Enoshima-san seems to mind it quite a lot. You’re smart, Matsuda-kun, I’m sure you know I’m being bullied by your people.” Komaeda couldn’t quite hide the bitterness that crept into his voice.

“You got yourself into this.”.

“And I’m trying to get myself out. Can’t you help me with that, at least?” Komaeda walked over to him and sat down on the cushion to stare at the wall ahead. “No matter what I may be to you, I _am_ your roommate, at least.”

Komaeda didn’t really expect him to react, knowing his personality but he was surprised when Matsuda looked at him, his expression torn and his eyes like a cornered animal’s. He’d always known Matsuda hated working with Enoshima but seeing it etched so clearly on his face made him pity the boy. If anything, he was just another pawn in Enoshima’s plan.

The sad part was that Matsuda knew it too but he couldn’t get himself out of it. And all because he loved the very woman who was using him.

“What do you want?” Matsuda asked.

Komaeda felt a little vulnerable asking him but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Things were getting out of hand and if they didn’t put a stop to it, they’d only get worse. “I want you to quit helping her. She’s useless without you, you know.”

“And what’s in it for you? You already quit the movement.”

“I did but she won’t let me go that easily. It’s a little annoying.” he sighed.

Matsuda stared at him, his black eyes boring into him. “It’s because you’re scared she’s going to tell on everyone about it, aren’t you?”

He should have figured he’d try to find a way out of the conversation.

Komaeda sighed. “Matsuda-kun, you’re really no fun.”

“Neither are you.”

“You really should quit you know…before she drags you down with her. You know this isn’t going to end well and I’m sure you’re smarter than that.”

Matsuda huffed but didn’t look away. “Shut up…I know that already.”

\---

It hadn’t escaped Hinata’s notice that Komaeda was avoiding him.

At first he’d just thought it was a coincidence when he’d turn over to talk to him or brush their hands together and Komaeda would move back almost instinctively, laughing it off with a smile. Hinata knew him enough to know when he was faking it.

It was a smile he saw more often these days and although he wished he could deny the feelings of insecurity and worry that boiled within him, he couldn’t shake them off entirely.

The more Hinata thought about it, the more it felt as if the fact that Komaeda was now in the main course—away from Hinata— was the cause for the sudden distance between the two of them. Hinata tried not to feel resentful about it, especially when he had to sit in classes that he had no interest in and study about things that would get him nowhere in life. He wished he could have been with Komaeda in the main course and although he was trying to make peace with it, it was still hard to not show it on his face when he’d see Komaeda coming out of his classes in the building next to theirs, a tired smile on his lips.

They still walked to school together, ate lunch with Kuzuryuu and Souda, and even visited each other’s rooms sometimes but it wasn’t the same anymore. The topics they used to talk about suddenly seemed too dull, too insufficient, as if they were just empty words to fill the silence between them.

Hinata was trying. He was trying his best to bridge the gap between them and try to understand what was going on in Komaeda’s head but, from behind his smile and lighthearted words, it was hard to read what he was actually feeling.

It was in these moments of doubt that his mind started drifting back to the Shinjinkai and how violent the protests were starting to become now. He knew Matsuda and Enoshima were involved with it and the more he thought about it, the more he could feel as if Komaeda might be involved with them too. He remembered the time he’d lied to him about the cultural festivals—the thing that had triggered Hinata into thinking about it in the first place—and no matter how much he tried to stop thinking about it and to trust Komaeda, he couldn’t help it.

He wasn’t sure when it happened but he truly began to believe it was true and he wanted to talk to Komaeda about it. He had every right to know, didn’t he?

\---

_Yasuda Amphitheatre  
25 th June, 1923_

Enoshima Junko was dazzling on the stage. Her bright pink kimono and those light blond curls wrapped neatly in a bun spoke of the image of sophistication and tradition but her voice spoke of something else entirely.

It spoke of revolution and change, and despite how skeptical Souda had always been of the movement, he found his heart wavering. When she raised her hand to the crowd of teenagers gathered, he could feel the entire group act as one in their sentiments. All of them reached out their hands to the heavens, as if raised high enough, they could grab anything they wished for.

Kuzuryuu nudged him with his elbow. “She’s impressive isn’t she?”

Souda nodded quickly and turned his attention back to the woman on stage.

“My people!” she spoke. “Kibougamine has continued for far too long without having anyone call it out on its treachery! Students like us have suffered not only with our wallets but with our spirits as well. They’re sapping us like leeches.”

The students yelled in agreement.

“They don’t want us to think for ourselves. They just want to turn us into mindless husks who’ll grow up to toil and labor in factories while the rest of the people sit and laugh at us for being so pathetic. Do you want that?”

Souda shook his head in sympathy, thinking of his own experience working in so many part time jobs just to pay for his tuition. At first it had felt like an honest means to be able to study at Kibougamine. His efforts would all pay back by the time he’d graduate.

But then he learnt of the reserve course and his hopes had been dashed. He could tell the rest of the students were thinking much along the same lines as him from the way the air around him turned almost cold and angry.

Enoshima smiled knowingly. “It’s the same for all of us, isn’t it? We all wanted something better out our lives and instead we were forced into becoming exactly what we’d always hated. Mindless adults.”

“But what they forget is that we’re still capable of thinking for ourselves,” she laughed. “We can still change this for the better. All of us together.”

A girl standing at the front of the crowd yelled something and the rest of the students echoed her yells in unison.

“Shinjinkai! Shinjinkai! We are the revolution that will change the future!” they all shouted and their voices sent a shiver of thrill down Souda’s back. “The future is in our hands!”

He latched onto Kuzuryuu’s arm and looked at him, eyes sparkling. “Kuzuryuu, I want to join them too.”

Kuzuryuu frowned. “I brought you here to fix the lighting, you bastard. Not to make you join.”

Souda shook his head. “That’s not it. I…I _have_ to join.”

“What brought this on?” he frowned. “Didn’t you just lecture _Komaeda_ for being a part of it?”

“I just don’t want to sit around and wait for the school to just—boss us around like that. I hate it.”

“You chose to study in reserve, Souda. D’you think it’s fair to be mad about it despite that? At least the school hasn’t done anything to you directly.”

“Why’d you think I joined the reserve, huh?” he yelled to be heard over the crowd’s cheering “Was there any point in trying when I knew they’d shove me there anyway just like Hinata? At least this way I felt like I had a choice.”

Kuzuryuu smirked. “Trying to feel like you’re in control?”

“You could say that.”

“And now you want more.” he frowned. “Is this some form of revenge?”

“I don’t care what you call it. I don’t want to sit on my ass anymore!” he shook Kuzuryuu’s arm. “Let me join, Kuzuryuu. I know we can change things.”

Kuzuryuu was silent for a while, thinking things through.

He folded his arms across his chest and looked at Enoshima standing at the top of the platform. “Don’t go blaming me for letting you join if this backfires.”

“You’ll be in the same hell as me if that happens,” he grinned. “There won’t be much point in blaming you.”

Kuzuryuu grinned and smacked his arm. “’Least I’ve got the yakuza on my side. What’re your bail out options?”

He splayed his hands and smiled ruefully. “None whatsoever. I still wanna see what happens though,” he said. “Maybe we’ll be able to see something great. A better future.”

After all, that’s what Japan was headed for—an era of change and revolution. No matter how pitiable they may be, as humans, Souda felt that a greater future was within the palm of their hands.

The cheering of the crowd grew louder and Enoshima said something more. Souda joined in the loud cries, feeling a rush of adrenaline in his body.

\---

If it had been any time last year, Matsuda wouldn’t have even thought of quitting the movement. If that was what Junko wanted, he would have easily conceded and done whatever she asked of him. Some part of him still thought so but for such a while now, he’d started to doubt himself and the decisions he’d made so far.

He was far from proud of what he was doing and even though it had never been his work since the start, he was inherently a major part of it now. 

Yet again, he found himself listening to her lead the Shinjinkai in their hopeless endeavors, promising them a brighter future when she didn’t even believe in it herself.

They were alone now—after the meeting had finally ended— with him, sitting at the edge of the podium in the Yasuda amphitheatre, while she paced back and forth across the hall. Words spilled from her mouth in an excited rush, vague talk about plans that he had no interest in.

Without realizing it, Komaeda’s words had started to take root within his chest, like the small seed of a hope that he didn’t know he had. Enoshima had already ruined his chances at making a future and he couldn’t let her waste even more of his life like this.

He was weak, but he had to try at least.

His pulse quickened. It was now or never. He cleared his throat.

“Listen, Junko.”

Junko stopped in her tracks and turned to look at him, her speech abruptly coming to a halt. He hadn’t been expecting her to give him any attention while she was in one of her moods and he leaned forward, ready to speak again now that she was listening.

“What is it Matsuda-kun?” she asked.

Matsuda wrinkled his nose at the way she referred to him so sweetly. “Stop that.”

“Eh? Stop what?” she asked, walking over and pressing her leg against his.

“That sugary sweet way of talking.” he passed a hand through his hair. “Stop avoiding me and listen to what I have to say.”

Enoshima clicked her tongue, annoyance visible on her face. When she looked like that, he had to wonder how he’d ever found her attractive. And yet his heartbeat still quickened a little when her hand landed on his thigh, more like a slap than anything affectionate.

“Tch. You’re no fun when you’re like this. Why can’t you just be a good lover and stop with the annoying questions already?”

 _It’s probably because I’m_ not _a good lover, after all._

If he had been, he would have stopped her from acting like this all the time. He would have tried to help her. Instead he’d just goaded her along and sent her spiraling down the abyss of madness and selfishness where she was trapped now, bent on making everyone suffer.

He sighed and pried her hand away from his leg. “Let’s stop this already, Junko. I’m tired of working for you…it’s not going to work out.”

“Huh?” Junko almost looked horrified, her expression turning into one of sadness. “Are you breaking up with me?”

“No!” he said quickly, inwardly cursing himself for sounding so desperate. “I just want you to stop with the Shinjinkai…what’s the point? Why are you doing this? Why are _we_ doing this?”

“You were helping me out too. So why don’t you ask yourself that?”

“I only helped you out because it’s you! You know I’d do anything for you.” he was surprised he still meant it.

He would still do anything for her but it wasn’t the same anymore. He couldn’t feel anything when Junko looked at him, her clear blue eyes closed off and calculating.

“Then stay in the movement. If it’s for me.” She said, her voice soft and coaxing.

“You’re not answering my question. Stop trying to change the topic!” he yelled and got up before she could clamp a hand around his wrist. “Tell me why you’re doing this. I need to know if you want me to stay with you like this.”

“Ugh….You’re so boring, Matsuda.” She said and Matsuda didn’t even have the energy to feel upset when she talked about him like he was useless trash. “ _Fine_. I’m doing this because I wanted to. I just want to show everyone a taste of destruction. A taste of what it’s like to be mediocre…to be born without talent and money! Like _us_.”

Somehow he’d expected a more complex reason—anything to justify what they were doing. This was almost worse than he’d been hoping and he sighed, walking towards her and taking her hand in his.

“You don’t need to that anymore.” He said softly. “Everyone knows. They’ve always known.”

“Still…it’s fun to do it you know? Sometimes doing things just for the sake of doing things is also nice!”

That sounded more like her and he felt resentment boil down in the pit of his stomach. Enoshima Junko- always doing things for the sake of entertainment. So that she had something to do.

He dropped her hand.

“That means you won’t stop?” he asked weakly.

Junko laughed and shook her head. “I don’t have to!”

“…What do you mean?”

“It’s all going to end soon enough, my darling Matsuda-kun. The final act…it’s so close!”

\---

_25 th July, 1923_

Hinata skipped down the stairs, trying to avoid running into the other students on his way. He wanted to get to the library as fast as he could—recess didn’t last very long after all. Komaeda was supposed to be waiting for him there since that was one place both the reserve students and the main course students shared.

It had been a while since they’d had lunch together and he basked in the feeling of excitement that bubbled in his chest. They still had lunch together at the inn but it wasn’t the same when they weren’t together during school.

The hot, summer air hit his face as he ran out of the building and turned right to the outer entrance of the library. The place was more or less abandoned since the majority of students ate in the gardens at the back.

As he turned, he found Komaeda walking over from the other side where the main course exit was. Hinata grinned and waved at him but he wasn’t sure Komaeda caught sight of him as he trudged forward slowly, his head downcast.

Hinata frowned and walked over to him, finally seeing why the boy looked so down.

“Komaeda!” he called over to him and saw him finally raise his head. His hair was sopping wet and his uniform clung to his body.

“Ah…Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, smiling automatically and Hinata felt, yet again, as if he’d forgotten what Komaeda’s real smile was like.

“What happened to you, Komaeda?” he asked, reaching forward to brush the wet hair away from his face.

“I felt hot.” he shrugged.

Hinata groaned. “Komaeda…what really happened?”

Komaeda shook his head and gestured towards the windows above them. “I just got unlucky I guess. The students were dumping water from the top of the building and I don’t think they saw me.”

Hinata saw the slight shift of Komaeda’s eyes so that they weren’t meeting his. He was lying to him again and it made him both frustrated and sad. “Is that really it?”

Komaeda pulled on the sleeve that was still wet and clinging to his arm. “Hm? What do you mean?”

“Those kids from the reserve course…they’re bullying you on purpose, aren’t they?”

Komaeda waved his hands dismissively. “You don’t have to worry about it, Hinata-kun!”

Hinata looked at Komaeda, dripping wet and standing in front of him, waving him away as if none of this concerned him. It wasn’t the first time Komaeda had been bullied and he doubted it would be the last with the way things were going.

It was obvious enough what was going on but Komaeda still tried to keep it from him. Hinata almost felt like a passing stranger when Komaeda acted like that—a nobody.

“Of course I’ll worry about it! This concerns me too, Komaeda.” He said, trying to keep his voice level “You’re my lover!”

“ _Ah_ …” Komaeda’s hands fell slack at his sides and the water continued to fall to the ground in drops. He looked like he’d just been slapped.

Hinata only realized his mistake after his ears heated up at the sight of Komaeda’s flushed face. Even though it was true that they were lovers, neither of them had ever said it upfront to the other. He should have thought it wasn’t a big deal but judging from Komaeda’s reaction, it had been.

After a beat of silence that was more unnerving than he could bear, he cleared his throat and gestured towards the building.

“U-Um, we should get you dried up first.” Hinata said, trying to dispel the air of awkwardness between them.

Komaeda nodded and followed Hinata into the building.

Hinata turned to look at Komaeda and smiled sheepishly as they walked in. “Any idea where the school keeps towels?”

Komaeda frowned. “The bathrooms, I guess.”

“Hm, let’s check there, then,” he said and began heading towards the end of the corridor where the bathroom was located.

The students who passed by them on the way stared at Komaeda, and Hinata tried his best not to be unnerved by the cold looks they gave him when their eyes met. He could guess that some of them were behind the incident—a lot of them were members of the Shinjinkai, he was sure.

They ended up inside the bathroom and Hinata snatched the towel that was lying inside the top shelf of a storage cabinet in the corner. He gestured for them to leave since the place wasn’t exactly clean and Komaeda silently followed after him, entering an empty classroom.

He was glad none of the teachers were out on patrol to get them out of the classes and Komaeda sat down on the seat, motioning for Hinata to hand the towel over to him.

“Isn’t your hand still injured?” Hinata asked, looking at Komaeda’s bandaged hand. It had gotten better but judging by the way he kept it awkwardly at his side, he was sure it still hurt to use.

“It’s alright. I can take care of it with the other one.” Komaeda said softly.

Hinata didn’t answer him, or give him the towel. He set to work, drying Komaeda’s hair. The boy made a noise of protest, raising his hand to grab Hinata’s but he didn’t let that obstruct him.

Komaeda gave up with a sigh and folded his hands across his lap. The room was quiet again and Hinata’s mind drifted back to the moment he’d seen him near the library. He was sure it wasn’t just an accident and, judging by the silence, Komaeda was aware of it too.

 It had to be because of his involvement with the Shinjinkai. He was sure of it but he still found himself wavering with the question on the tip of his tongue. He took a deep breath and paused, his hands hovering over Komaeda’s hair and the towel clutched tightly between his fingers.

 “Komaeda….listen,” he broke the silence “Why did you get yourself involved with the Shinjinkai?”

Komaeda’s eyes widened. “What—”

Hinata stopped him before he could protest. “Don’t even try to deny it. I know you were lying to me.”

He looked away. “I...It was just to pass the time if that’s any consolation.”

Hinata stood where he was, feeling a little as if all the air in his lungs had left him. He’d already convinced himself that Komaeda was involved with them—that he was also one of the people working for the school’s destruction—and yet hearing him say it still surprised and disappointed him.

Komaeda must have seen the look of disappointment on his face and he bit his lip, not saying anything for a while.

“Did Souda-kun tell you?” he finally asked.

Hinata felt a little sick. “He knows too?”

“O-oh…” Komaeda looked like he wanted to run away. Hinata did too. “So he didn’t tell you.”

“So everyone else knew but not me, huh?” Hinata snapped, suddenly forgetting they were in an empty classroom with the doors open. Anyone could listen to them if he raised his voice any further.

Komaeda just kept staring at his wet pant leg.

“Why did you keep it from me?” Hinata asked him, softer this time.

Komaeda stood up and paced the room. “I don’t know…I don’t know,” he said in frustration. “I just thought you wouldn’t like it.”

Hinata folded his arms across his chest. “Well you got one thing right, at least. Was it Enoshima? Did she ask you to join?” he laughed as a bitter feeling rose in his chest. “She’s charming isn’t she? Of course you’d join because of her.”

Komaeda turned to stare at him. “When did I ever say that?”

“I have a feeling it’s because of her.”

Komaeda closed his mouth and looked at him, his lips pressing in a thin line. “…You sound really insecure right now, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata clutched the towel tightly, his fingers digging painfully into the fabric. “That’s because I am! You’re never open about anything. How do I know my feelings aren’t completely one-sided? You don’t even trust me.”

Komaeda sighed, passing a hand through his hair. “Really-” he shook his head. “How did this turn into a conversation about our relationship?”

“Because you’re never honest about anything! Why can’t you just look at me, for once instead of just making excuses?”

The room dropped silent and Komaeda sat down a seat away from him, looking out of the window.

Hinata laughed to himself, feeling like a complete idiot. Maybe he was the only one who cared so much about their relationship. “Just…what are we doing?”

“I would like to know too,” Komaeda softly said “…I really don’t know, Hinata-kun.”

“You _do_ know it.” Hinata walked over to him and shook his head. “But you’re just too scared to admit it to yourself. Why can’t you just say it?”

“Do I have to say it if you already know?” Komaeda turned to look at him and he found that his eyes had no emotion in them—it was such a far away, vacant look.

An overwhelming sense of defeat washed over him and he threw the towel in Komaeda’s direction, not wanting to look at him anymore. It hit his face and, even though he hadn’t intended it to, he felt an odd sense of satisfaction when Komaeda winced.

Hinata turned to leave the room, knowing there was no way he could make up with Komaeda like this. “…You really don’t understand my feelings, do you?”

He wanted to close his eyes as he left the room and found a few students staring at him curiously. Komaeda’s voice echoed in his ears as he walked back to class with a throbbing, red hand and an ugly scowl on his face.

“You’re no better, Hinata-kun.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Everything and everyone is connected and writing it is hell :>


	16. Headlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is it forever  
> That he hopes our love will last?  
> He did not answer.  
> And now my daylight thoughts  
> Are as tangled as my black hair.  
> -Lady Horikawa

_30 th July, 1923  
_ _12_ _ th _ _year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata figured it was time he got used to seeing Komaeda show up at his doorstep, a meek smile on his lips, but even now he still felt oddly surprised when he saw the boy.

This time though, he had reason to frown when he entered, and he knew Komaeda understood it as well by the way he looked down and flushed.

Souda, who had been sitting on the windowsill humming a song he'd been listening to the radio, coughed and jumped down.

"What's up, Komaeda?" Souda asked, raising an eyebrow. "How come you're out so late?"

Hinata nodded, letting Komaeda in and noting that the boy was dressed formally in a white collared shirt and black slacks. His hair was pulled back into a more presentable state and Hinata would have complimented him if the sight of him hadn't made him want to shut the door on his face.

It hadn’t even been more than a few days since their fight and seeing him made his heart clench uncomfortably in his chest. He stepped aside and sat down, irritably drumming his fingers on the table instead of looking at the boy.

Komaeda’s smile fell when Hinata sat down. Laughing awkwardly, he gestured towards his clothes."I'm sure you can guess I'm going somewhere. It's just," he cast a sidelong glance at Hinata. "I didn't want to go alone and I was wondering if—"

"If Hinata could come with you?" Souda interrupted.

Komaeda shrugged. "And you too, Souda-kun."

Souda a little and he inclined his head to the side, clearly surprised. "Huh? Where are we going?"

Hinata coughed, a little irritated that Souda was going along with Komaeda's plans so easily. He folded his arms across his chest and glared at Souda. "I'm not going anywhere. You can go if you want, Souda."

Komaeda stepped forward and hesitantly grabbed Hinata's sleeve. Hinata didn’t pull away.

"I knew you'd say that but I still wanted to ask you," he said softly. Behind the two of them, Hinata heard Souda sigh.

"My father invited me to a party and I wanted to bring you along...I—" Komaeda looked like he wanted to say more but he cast a glance in Souda’s direction and stopped.

Hinata frowned but didn’t say anything. If it was something he wasn’t going to say in front of Souda then he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear it.

“I think I’ll pass,” he said, pointedly looking away from him. Komaeda’s grip on his sleeve slackened slightly and Hinata felt annoyed at himself for being disappointed.

Souda sighed and rubbed the back of his head before walking over to Hinata and nudging his shoulder. “You should come along, Hinata,” he said softly, probably trying to keep Komaeda from hearing. He didn’t think it was working though, judging by the way Komaeda’s eyes lit up at his words. “I think he wants to make it up to you…I don’t know what happened between you two but get it over with already.”

“I don’t want to talk about this right now, Souda.” Hinata mumbled.

Komaeda squatted down and reached out his hand to hesitantly touch Hinata’s. "I want to make it up to you...Won't you come along with me?"

Hinata thought about it, and he could tell Komaeda sounded honest when he spoke which was why he found himself hesitating. Komaeda noticed it as well and smiled gently.

“Please, Hinata-kun. I know you’re mad but we can talk about this.” He said and Hinata found his anger weakening. “I don’t want us to just grow apart because of what I said earlier.”

Hinata groaned and finally looked at Komaeda. “I’ll come along. But only if Souda does too.”

Komaeda turned to look at Souda. "Of course, Souda-kun you’ll come too, won’t you? You can bring along Kuzuryuu-kun if being alone with us sounds boring."

Souda shrugged. "I don't know if he'll show but I can try ringing him up."

Souda walked out of the room and Komaeda smiled, looking at Hinata.

"So that means you’re coming, right? My father wants to meet you too." he said, a hopeful lilt to his voice.

"Have you been telling him about me?" Hinata asked, realizing he really was curious.

"A little."

\---

Kuzuryuu was waiting for them outside the inn when they came out—the taxi had already arrived. Both Hinata and Souda had dressed up in Komaeda's spare clothes because neither of them had any formal ones of their own and Hinata felt his shirt just a little tight on his chest.

Kuzuryuu pushed himself off the wall he'd been leaning on and put his hands on his hips.

"Took you long enough," he grumbled. "You're the ones who called me and yet I’m here before you guys."

Komaeda laughed. "It took a while to find clothes that fit Souda-kun and Hinata-kun, you see. I told them it was fine to go in their kimono but they didn't listen to me."

Kuzuryuu pouted and looked at his own clothes—a bright blue yukata with lightning bolt patterns on it. "You could have told me to go western, you asshole. I look like an idiot like this."

Souda chuckled. "You’re the one who picked out this shitty thing in the first place. Don't go blaming others for it."

"I didn't pick it!" Kuzuryuu flushed. "Peko did!"

"Oh~" Souda grinned, a mischievous glint in his eyes. "No wonder you actually walked out wearing this disaster."

"Sh-shut up!"

Komaeda smiled and stepped in between the two of them before Kuzuryuu could move to hit Souda. "The car's already here. We should get going."

"Good idea," Souda said and quickly jumped into the car.

They got in, Kuzuryuu sitting next to the driver while the three of them squeezed in the back. Hinata sat in the middle and felt elbows jab in his rib from both sides, which was uncomfortable to say the least. Komaeda instructed the driver about the directions to his place and Hinata wondered what his house would look like.

The ride to his place was spent mostly in silence with Souda speaking in between, complaining about how the taxi bumped a bit too much and then gasping in awe at all the new places within the city that he had never seen. It wasn’t really a surprise though, since they were heading towards the outskirts of Tokyo and they’d hardly ever ventured any further than Shinbashi even when they went out.  Kuzuryuu, on the other hand, looked entirely unfazed and Hinata figured it was because he’d lived in Tokyo his entire life unlike him and Souda.

When they arrived and finally clambered out of the car, a mess of crumpled clothes and sweaty skin, Hinata gasped. Souda stared up at the house in awe, his mouth open wide and the two of them turned to Komaeda who smiled sheepishly.

“Remind me never to pay for my food when we’re going out again.” Souda muttered and Komaeda laughed.

“It’s so huge,” Hinata said, staring at the mansion in front of them, a traditional piece of architecture that looked decades old but well maintained despite that.

“Father bought it a few years ago,” Komaeda explained “After his business started flourishing.”

“Sounds like a good investment,” Hinata said as Komaeda led them inside through the metal gates.

“It was, apparently. I didn’t live here very long though.”

Must have been around the time his mother got sick, he pieced together.

The garden inside was huge with small shrubs and bushes shaped into perfectly sized spheres that looked a little odd in contrast to the small pond in the middle and the bridge crossing over it to the other side. They stepped through and Komaeda knocked at the front of the entrance.

A maid crouched on the floor with her head lowered and greeted the four of them. She stepped aside so they could enter. Hinata quickly bent down to take off the shoes Komaeda had lent him— it was a surprise their feet were almost the same size— but the boy stopped him, placing a hand on his shoulder.

“It’s okay. Don’t take off your shoes,” he said in a low whisper and his voice sent a shiver down Hinata’s spine “The floors are all marble anyway.”

“A-ah,” Hinata said, straightening himself and following after him. Souda and Kuzuryuu were already walking ahead of them, looking at the place with curiosity.

The interior was far from what he had expected and, just as Komaeda had said, the flooring was all sparkling white marble, and his footing felt a little slippery as he walked without making too much noise. The small room they entered from opened up to a much larger one that was fully furnished with carpets and western furniture, sofas and high legged tables.

“Does anyone even live here?” Souda mused, eyeing the grandfather clock with jealousy “This place looks totally empty!”

“The party’s probably started,” Komaeda said “They must have gathered in the hall.”

“Party?” Hinata asked, feeling nervous all of a sudden “Wasn’t it supposed to be a small dinner?”

Komaeda gestured to them as they left the room and entered a well lit corridor. He could hear voices coming from further ahead and guessed that the hall must be close. “If you invite the manager of a bank, there are bound to be more people who’ll want to visit. We hardly ever have small dinners, Hinata-kun.”

“You could have told us that sooner,” Hinata huffed “What business do we have here anyway?”

“Don’t you want to meet my father?” Komaeda pouted “I’ve told him a lot about you and he said he wanted to see you.”

Hinata’s heartbeat sped up in his chest. “...Why would he want to meet me?"

Komaeda heaved a sigh. They walked into the hall and the sound of music and people talking suddenly entered his ear.  “Isn’t it obvious, Hinata-kun?”

“I’m not so sure.”

Komaeda smiled ruefully as if he was amazed that Hinata didn’t understand what he was talking about. It made him feel a little irked and he opened his mouth to tell him so but Souda coughed loudly and stepped in between the two of them, arms folded across his chest.

 “So…?” Souda drawled, pointing towards the small groups of people scattered about the hall, talking and drinking wine from stemmed glasses, “Where’s your daddy, Komaeda?”

“Probably somewhere around there,” Komaeda said, pointing towards the centre of the hall where a few men stood and talked amongst themselves “Let’s go.”

Komaeda’s father was standing a short distance away from them but people kept stopping them in the middle, greeting Komaeda and making small talk with him. Komaeda, for all his worth, smiled and greeted them like a real gentleman and Hinata tried not to look too awkward standing beside him.

Komaeda pointed further ahead where he spotted a small group of men, all dressed in pristine, black coats and top hats, and Hinata cast a self conscious look at his own clothes, silently thanking himself for changing into formal clothes before coming here. Komaeda tapped his forearm twice and started walking towards the group.

Hinata followed him a little hesitantly and Kuzuryuu and Souda came walking after him, supportive presences to Hinata even if they weren't actively aware of it.

A few men greeted Komaeda on the way and he talked to them politely, his voice soft and his way of speaking even more refined than normal. He should have expected this of Komaeda given his status, but it still estranged him a little from the boy he thought of as his lover. It almost made the distance between them seem a little larger and he swallowed, hoping his expression didn't give away his discomfort.

Komaeda seemed to notice though, and he joined his side right after, standing close to him so that their arms almost touched. Hinata wondered if—just like every other action that Komaeda took—this was intentional.

"My father's the one on the right," Komaeda whispered into his ear as he gestured towards the group. "Come on, Hinata-kun. It won't be that bad, believe me."

Hinata shrugged and walked after Komaeda, stopping in front of two men who seemed to be busy talking to each other. Komaeda's father, the one who held a wine glass in his hand, had wavy hair much like Komaeda's, only shorter. His lips curled into a gentle smile on his lips as he spoke.

Komaeda coughed a little, mostly to bring their attention to him and grinned when his father noticed him.

"Nagito!" his father exclaimed, his face lighting up when he looked at him. Hinata noted that his father's eyes were a dark shade of brown, so much different from his son, but with the same warmth. "I'm surprised you actually came!"

Komaeda laughed softly and gestured towards Hinata, Souda and Kuzuryuu. "I brought my friends along too, since you asked."

His father turned his attention to them and gave a polite nod to all three of them. "There's a first time for everything, huh? It's nice to meet you three. I hope Nagito isn't too much trouble."

Kuzuryuu scoffed and looked away. Hinata didn't have much time to contemplate on what he meant because his father was looking at him expectantly.

"Komaeda-kun's a very good friend," Hinata ended up saying and he wasn't sure if he was lying. He figured it wasn't _really_ a lie. They were friends, that was a given. "I'm glad to be in his care."

His father smiled. "I'm glad Nagito has friends like you. Really, when he was small I was almost worried he'd always remain friendless!" he laughed softly and winked at Komaeda who flushed lightly. "He's always been a little difficult with people."

"Father, I really don't think that's something you should be talking about with my friends. It's already a part of the past now, anyway." Komaeda said lightly, his blush still evident on his face.

Hinata felt a little bad for Komaeda but at the same time he had the urge to laugh at the fact that his father had pointed out something so embarrassing in the middle of a party. Did all parents have the tendency to be clueless at the oddest of times?

Komaeda's father nodded, and gestured to a servant to serve them drinks. "Never mind me, though," he said "I just get caught up in the past sometimes."

"You always do." Komaeda said, his tone lapsing into a more serious one.

Souda nudged Hinata's arm and he turned to look at him. "Why do I feel like someone's staring daggers down my back?" his voice trembled as he spoke.

Kuzuryuu snickered. "Probably your imagination. Unless someone really _is_ out to get you."

Hinata rolled his eyes. "I doubt anyone has anything to hold against Souda." he said softly, trying not to disturb Komaeda and his father's conversation. He wasn't sure what they were talking about but they'd stepped away from them a little.

"I sure hope so!" Souda whined, "Yeah, no way am I dying so soon! I’ve got my whole life ahead of me.”

“I really hope that’s the case,” Hinata said, laughing at the thought, “It’d be a shame if you died on me.”

“And it should be!”

Hinata was about to turn his attention back to Komaeda and his father when Kuzuryuu tapped him on the shoulder. He pointed a little away from the main crown to where two people were standing.

"I think that might the reason Souda felt so jumpy," Kuzuryuu said, anger seeping into his voice.

Hinata stared at the two people and while he couldn't really put a finger on who exactly the man was, the woman standing beside him in a soft pink kimono—her blonde hair open and reaching her waist— was most definitely someone he knew.

"Ah! Enoshima-san's here too." Komaeda said, loud enough for everyone to hear. His father grimaced and took a huge sip of the wine he was holding.

"Splendid." he said, as she walked over to them, the middle-aged man besides her coming over as well. "We were just talking about you, Yasuda-san."

The man, named Yasuda apparently, nodded tersely and gestured towards Enoshima. "I'm sure you know who she is?"

Both Komaeda and his father nodded, though the latter seemed much more enthusiastic about it.

Enoshima giggled and laced an arm through Yasuda's. Hinata wrinkled his nose at the gesture of affection but, judging by the smile that curled across his lips, Yasuda didn't seem to mind though.

"I didn't expect to see you here, Komaeda-kun," she said and then turned to look at Kuzuryuu. "Or you, Kuzuryuu Fuyuhiko."

Kuzuryuu huffed, tapping his feet on the marble. "How come you know exactly where to show at the worst times?"

Yasuda swirled the liquid in his glass and frowned. "I would have wanted to know why someone like you, would be here...Kuzuryuu- _kun_."

Komaeda, smiling sheepishly, stepped in between the two before Kuzuryuu could answer. "Ah, Yasuda-san, it's only because I invited him here you see. He's a friend of my mine. A schoolmate."

"Not really," Kuzuryuu hissed.

Yasuda paid no attention to Kuzuryuu's remark and raised an eyebrow. "Really...for an acquaintance of mine to be _friends_ with someone like the heir of the Kuzuryuu clan. That's almost contemptible."

Komaeda bristled. "I don't think a person's clan has anything to do with—"

Komaeda's father put a firm hand on his shoulder. His face looked pale when he spoke and Hinata's hair stood on end when he saw Enoshima smiling through the entire thing. "Nagito. Why don't you show Hinata-kun and Souda-kun around the manor? I'm sure they would love to see the gardens."

Komaeda looked like he wanted to argue but he cast a grudging look in Enoshima's direction and nodded jerkily. "Right. I think I’ll do that." he said and grabbed Hinata's arm, ushering him away from the group.

Kuzuryuu stayed put and Souda lurked somewhere behind them, clearly just as unsettled as Hinata was, by the situation that had developed.

Komaeda was pointedly staring ahead, and Hinata was scared of how hard he was holding onto his wrist. He tried to shake it off and Komaeda snapped his attention to him, his face falling into one of apology.

"Don't you want to call Kuzuryuu and Souda too?" Hinata asked him as they continued to walk away, heading towards the large, glass-paned door at the end of the hall.

Komaeda shook his head. "I don't think they would have come even if I'd called them," he sounded pensive as he said it, like his mind was whirring with a thousand other thoughts but he still had the presence of mind to answer him. "I don't think I was needed. That's what father wanted to say."

"What..." Hinata wasn't sure where to begin. The entire scene that had unfolded before them had only served to make him more confused than he had been before. "What was going on back there?"

Komaeda didn't answer him at first, only led him through the door and out into what he guessed was the courtyard. He smiled briefly to anyone who tried to initiate contact with him, and continued to walk, his eyes looking straight ahead.

When they were finally outside in the garden, Komaeda finally let go of his hand and Hinata felt the blood rush into it in a burst of cold that left his fingers feeling tingly. The sun had already started to set outside and the grass and the leaves were all dyed a light shade of orange and pink. The neatly trimmed hedges and the pond in the corner almost sparkled and Hinata took a deep breath, feeling a relief in finally seeing something familiar.

Something about the modernity, the pristine beauty and neatness of the house itself had made Hinata feel at edge. He knew he didn't belong there and it only served to emphasize how different his world was from Komaeda's.

The son of a fisherman and an aristocrat's heir.

Komaeda seemed to catch him looking wistfully and smiled, walking slowly through the grass and over a small bridge that overlooked the pond.

“I’m sorry you had to see that,” he said with a heavy sigh, as if relieving a huge burden. “Nothing goes right when I want it to.”

Hinata couldn’t really say he understood what Komaeda meant but he nodded, settling in step with Komaeda, and looking down at the _koi_ fish swimming in the water. Their orange tails sparkled and reminded Hinata of his own fish back home.

“I didn’t really understand what was going on,” Hinata confessed. “Was that man—Yasuda-san was it?—the one who’s head of all those banks?”

Komaeda nodded slowly. “The Yasuda banks. They’re quite big here in Tokyo.”

“I know.”

“He’s my father’s benefactor,” Komaeda said, crouching down on the ground and putting his hand in the water, swirling it slowly—round and round.

He remembered the way his father had paled when Komaeda had started to speak against him and how he’d sent him away. “Oh,” he said, his breath leaving him with the realization. “Do you think your dad will get in trouble because of you arguing with him?”

“I don’t think so. It was hardly an argument, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda said, but he didn’t sound like he believed it.

“That Yasuda guy,” Hinata frowned, still a little worried. “He sounds like a real jerk.”

“He really isn’t, though,” Komaeda said, an amused smile on his lips. “He’s always been generous with us. I wouldn’t be living in Tokyo, or studying in Kibougamine if it hadn’t been for his support.”

“He sounded like a jerk when he spoke, though.” Hinata said, not understanding the clear disparity and the reason behind it.

“It’s probably got to do with Enoshima-san worming her way into his heart. I’m sure you saw how he was looking at her.” Komaeda sighed.

“Isn’t he a little old to be smitten with a woman like Enoshima?” Hinata frowned. “Is that why he was so rude to Kuzuryuu, too?”

Komaeda stood up and straightened his trousers. “He’s always strongly disliked yakuza clans. It might have been stupid of me to ask him to come.”

Hinata laughed softly. “You couldn’t have known Yasuda was coming though, right?”

Komaeda looked down and then at him. His expression was a mixture of hesitation and something else he couldn’t pinpoint. “I might have known he was coming,” he said slowly, each word spoken with care. “However…I had no idea of Enoshima-san showing up too.”

“Huh?” Hinata frowned. “How does she even know Yasuda in the first place?”

“Remember how Enoshima-san was the leader of the Shinjinkai?” Komaeda asked, his voice getting softer and softer as he spoke. He looked ready to run away but he clenched his hands and met Hinata’s gaze.

Hinata nodded wordlessly.

“Well, Yasuda-san has been supporting the movement for a while now. It’s no wonder Enoshima-san got him so enraptured with her,” he said with great disdain “She must have been meeting with him behind closed doors.”

“Doesn’t she have any shame?” Hinata groaned, bringing a hand to his face. “Did you know about this?”

“I quit the movement you know,” he said and smiled, a little embarrassed. “I have no more idea about what’s going on than you do, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata doubted that was the case, knowing how well informed Komaeda was about most things. But he believed him when he said he hadn’t known.

“What about Matsuda? Does he know?”

“I doubt it. I’m sure she would keep her liaisons with another man a secret from her lover, at least.”

Hinata nodded and joined Komaeda as he walked around the stone path surrounding the pond and the hedges. The sun was almost set by now, and in the faint light, Hinata could see that Komaeda was still thinking about something. He cast a furtive glance in Hinata’s direction and Hinata caught it.

He raised an eyebrow. “You want to say something, don’t you?”

Komaeda shook his head, almost on reflex at first, but then he nodded reluctantly. “I’m just…I’m trying to be more honest with you, Hinata-kun. And it’s hard.”

Hinata thought about the argument they’d had just a day before and how hurt he had been when Komaeda had refused to say anything to him. He wondered if that was the reason Komaeda was trying so hard right now. “It’s always hard in the beginning, isn’t it?”

“I don’t know where to begin,” he sighed again, almost like he was devoid of any other gesture now that he was trying to be more honest with him. “My father was right about it, you know. I’ve never been very good at talking to people.”

“I’ve never thought so,” Hinata said, thinking of all the times Komaeda had been the first one to initiate conversation and how easily the two of them had gotten along. “I think your dad was wrong about that.”

“He wasn’t,” Komaeda smiled ruefully “I think you’re the only exception to his verdict.”

Hinata flushed, and shoved his hands in his pockets, feeling warm all of a sudden. It was ridiculous how easy it was for him to feel like that just by a few simple words from Komaeda. “Th-that’s not true.”

“It is,” Komaeda said, smiling fondly, and Hinata felt the boy move just a little closer to him so that their shoulders brushed. “You’re special, Hinata-kun. I’ve never thought of saying it to you because I thought it should be obvious enough but—” he flushed red and stopped.

He took a deep breath and looked helplessly at Hinata.

Hinata, for all his worth, tried not to let his own breath leave his lungs too fast for fear of passing out.

“I guess nothing replaces having the words spoken to you, right?” Komaeda asked hesitantly, almost as if he was asking permission and Hinata all but wanted to give him that and yet he couldn’t help being terrified at the very thought.

He nodded, wordlessly, and tried to calm his heartbeat as Komaeda smiled and stepped closer to him now that they’d both stopped walking. Komaeda’s hand slowly touched his neck and then crept upwards; painfully deliberate, to rest on his cheek. He was sure Komaeda could tell how warm his face was against his cold fingertips and that for every second he looked into Komaeda’s eyes, his body sent small shivers across his spine.

Komaeda leaned forward, his face hovering centimeters away from his, so close that his breath ghosted across his cheek and he could almost feel the warmth that crept between them. Hinata almost drew back, afraid that someone would see them like this and his eyes darted towards the courtyard and the door leading to the hall, but no one was in sight.

And that should have calmed him down enough to look into Komaeda’s eyes but he felt that if he did, his knees would give away underneath him.

“Hinata-kun…you’re looking the wrong way,” Komaeda’s voice entered his ear, soft and so vulnerable that his breath almost caught in his throat.

Hinata laughed shakily and brought his eyes to meet Komaeda’s and held there. Komaeda’s mouth opened to say the words he’d wanted to hear him say for so long and yet, he almost had the urge to stop him.

“Why…why does it feel like something will change if I hear you say it?” he asked, his voice sounding small even to his own ears. He still couldn’t bring himself to look into Komaeda’s eyes.

He heard Komaeda sigh. “Because it probably will…I’m not sure if it will be a good change or a bad one, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata nodded slowly, and Komaeda used his hand to lift his chin so that their eyes would meet. He could see his own uncertainty mirrored in Komaeda’s face and he smiled hesitantly at the boy.

“Do you want things to change between us, Komaeda?” he asked.

Komaeda raised an eyebrow. “Do _you_ , Hinata-kun?” he said “I don’t think you should be asking me that.”

And there it was. As simple as it had sounded when he’d thought about it, imagined Komaeda telling him how much he liked him, he’d never actually thought of it coming true. Maybe the fact that he was hesitating so much meant that he didn’t want to listen to it. Wasn’t he happy with things as they were, stuck between friends and lovers?

“I…I don’t want things to change between us,” he said slowly, trying to keep his breathing normal but it was hard.

“They’re already changing,” there was a hint of resignation in his voice. “We can’t do anything about it.”

“But—” Hinata looked at his feet again. “I feel like I’ve already rushed you with this. I don’t want to ruin things between us, Komaeda.”

“Hinata-kun…I really do like you, you know.” Komaeda sighed and his voice was so soft he probably wouldn’t have heard him if his own senses hadn’t been so fine-tuned to the boy standing in front of him. “Romantically. Though I think you got the meaning anyway.”

Hinata smiled and looked up, taking in Komaeda’s flushed face and his hesitant smile. “I like you too, Komaeda,” he said, finding the words leaving him more easily than he’d imagined.

Komaeda was still looking down and Hinata found his own face heating up in embarrassment. It might have been easy to say it but dealing with what happened after that was another thing entirely. His heart hammered in his chest and he waited for Komaeda to say something.

“Come on, Komaeda,” he whined when the boy remained silent. He reached out to touch Komaeda’s cheek. “Won’t you look at me?”

Komaeda raised his head at that and met his eyes. They were quiet for two whole seconds before both of them started to giggle, out of relief or nervousness, he couldn’t say. All he knew was that Komaeda was smiling and that nothing else really mattered as long as they were happy with each other.

Komaeda’s breath came in short gasps as he tried to stop his laughter and looked at Hinata.

“So…” Komaeda began; a hint of vulnerability in his voice now that the silence enveloped them again. “Does this change anything, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata shook his head and smiled.

\---

Something immediately felt wrong as they walked back to the hall. The crowd of people seemed to buzz with a mixture of excitement and intrigue. The hair on the back of Hinata’s neck stood up in response to the tension within the room and he turned to look at Komaeda, hoping for some sense of reassurance.

Komaeda bit his lip and paced through the crowd, just in time to see his father drop the wine glass he’d been holding in his hands. The red liquid spilled across the untainted marble of the floor and Hinata imagined he heard the sound of a woman cackling somewhere.

The crowd parted enough for both of them to see Yasuda and Enoshima walking out of the hall. From what he could see of Yasuda’s face, Hinata could tell he didn’t look too pleased and for a few seconds, no one in the hall spoke anything.

Komaeda rushed to his father’s side and the crowd began to speak again, mumbling and whispering in hushed tones about what had happened. Hinata found Souda and Kuzuryuu walking to him and he looked at them in question, his heart stammering in his chest.

“What happened?”He began, looking towards Souda and then Kuzuryuu.

Souda averted his eyes and heaved a sigh. Kuzuryuu shook his head in frustration and then pointed towards Komaeda’s father who was still standing idly, hands hanging at his side.

“Yasuda’s cutting off all ties with his dad’s business.” Kuzuryuu said.

“Does that mean—?”

He nodded gravely. “His business can’t go on without Yasuda’s support. I’d give it a few months, at the most.”

Hinata’s body went cold as he looked at Komaeda. He looked just as stricken as Hinata felt and he wondered what he was talking about with his father.

“How—how did this happen?” he asked, noticing how the crowd of people was slowly receding from the halls, as if staying any longer was a waste. And it might as well be, he realized.

Souda huffed. “Enoshima must have said something to him. Yasuda said he only came here just to tell him he wasn’t going to be partners with him anymore.”

Kuzuryuu sighed. “She told him Komaeda planned on going against the Shinjinkai,” he said “With the help of his father.”

“…Was he really going to do that?”

“I doubt it. But you know how convincing that woman is with her lies.” He said. “It didn’t help that I was here, either.”

“Because Yasuda found out that you’re friends with Komaeda?”

Kuzuryuu shrugged in answer and scratched the back of his head.

“I don’t know what kind of shit she’s been telling him but this is a mess,” he said. “She probably told him I was in cahoots with him. No wonder Yasuda looked so pissed.”

Hinata couldn’t find it in himself to disagree but he knew what had happened wasn’t fair despite that. “What happens now…?”

“You’ll have to ask Komaeda that,” he said. “I don’t think he’d like talking to us after what happened.”

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I might not be able to update the next two weeks because exam hell coming up. (lord save me is is Time)  
> The title of this chapter was a reference to Imogen Heap's 'Headlock' haha and I listened to it for most of the duration while working on this chapter.  
> Thanks for reading so far, I hope you'll be looking forward to the next chapter :>


	17. Unravel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lying all alone,  
> Through the hours of the night,  
> Till the daylight comes: 
> 
> Can you realize at all  
> The emptiness of that night?  
> -The Mother of Michitsuna

If Hinata was to describe the events that took place after that night at Komaeda's mansion, he wouldn't have denied that he saw any of it coming. Maybe, in some corner of his mind he admitted to himself that it was all Komaeda’s doing, but at the time he was too caught up in the events to actually pay any heed to such thoughts.

With the news of Yasuda’s support being revoked from Komaeda’s family, bankruptcy was imminent and the mood of the party had been soiled immediately. He remembered watching Yasuda and Enoshima march out of the building while all the guests stared at Komaeda’s father in disgust. Komaeda’s face had turned ashen at the sight of his father dropping the wine glass he held in his hand as the reality of what had happened struck down on him.

Hinata remembered standing next to Komaeda, feeling completely and utterly useless.

 

Things didn't start to change immediately and Hinata was almost lulled into a feeling of calm when Komaeda didn't react to it the way he'd thought he would. He was still cheerful, still smiling—but sometimes, when he thought Hinata wasn't looking, his expression would break just for the fraction of a second into something so complete and utterly _tired_ that it took all of Hinata's willpower not to say anything.

Who was he say to say anything, after all? What could he say? That it would get better? Hinata knew enough to know that wasn't the case when people like Yasuda and Enoshima were concerned. And he knew Komaeda was aware of that as well.

Something changed between them too after that, and Hinata couldn't pinpoint when he started to become aware of it, but Komaeda didn't visit him during the lunch breaks anymore, and their walks home always felt quiet and wrought with a heavy feeling of dread. Hinata could only walk next to him, hoping that his presence would at least ease some of the tension in Komaeda’s body but it never truly left him, even when Hinata tried to fake a smile.

It's all Komaeda’s fault, a part of his mind told him. It’s his fault he's in this mess in the first place. The thoughts crept into his mind at times when Hinata felt as if the only thing still holding them together were the walks from their rooms to school and back.

Even Souda had stopped trying to talk to Komaeda when they walked together. Kuzuryuu hardly ever went to school, now.

Hinata could tell things were falling apart and reaching their breaking point— as if the thread that had been holding all four of them together for so long had been pulled to its limit and that sooner or later, it would all come to pieces, scattered and broken.

He supposed then, that it was the phone call from Nikko that just sped up the process.

\---

 _10_ _h_   _August_ ,  _1923_  
_12_ _th_ _year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata knocked at Komaeda's door, and waited. He wasn't sure what he was hoping for but a part of him already knew Komaeda wasn't inside. He waited anyway, and hefted his school bag from one hand to the other, counting the number of seconds that would pass before it would slide open.

It opened after fifty six seconds—or so he'd counted—and he came face to face with Matsuda.

"Komaeda's not here," Matsuda said as soon as Hinata raised a hand in greeting.

His heart sank. This was the tenth consecutive day he'd showed up at school time to pick him and he was nowhere in sight.

"Again?"

"Again."

Hinata scuffed his feet on the floor and played with his collar. His mind was spinning with scenario after scenario of what Komaeda could be up to but none of them seemed to make any sense. Komaeda hadn’t taken much of his belongings when he’d left, Matsuda had told him. Just a spare change of clothes.

He knew things had been rough for Komaeda for a while now with the bankruptcy turning his life into a mess and then Komaeda’s mom having a relapse— her attacks had been worse than they had been in years. From what he’d heard, it had been due to the accumulating stress after the news of the bankruptcy and even though Komaeda tried to keep calm about it, Hinata had seen his hands shake as he’d held the receiver to his ear. Komaeda had vanished the same night, after he’d visited Hinata in his room and tried to compose himself. He didn’t think he’d ever seen him as empty as he had that night.

Matsuda sighed and raked a hand through his hair, ruffled and messy as they were in the mornings. "He hasn't left the city, if that's what you're wondering."

"That's a relief." Hinata said, wondering where Komaeda could have gone to if it hadn’t been to Nikko.

Matsuda hummed and that seemed to be the end of the conversation. Hinata turned to leave, his shoulders slumping and thoughts of what Komaeda could be doing running in the forefront of his mind.

He heard Matsuda cough loudly as if to call his attention and Hinata turned around to see him frowning.

"Um...do you have something to say?" Hinata asked.

Matsuda clicked his tongue as if talking to him was a waste of time and Hinata would have been offended if he hadn't seen the brief look of worry that passed through his face.

"You're close to Komaeda...aren't you?" he finally said.

Hinata jolted a little at the question but tried to keep a straight face. "He's my best friend."

Matsuda hummed— Hinata figured he believed him. "Then you probably know what he'd been doing up until a few months ago, right?"

Hinata saw the look on Matsuda's face. It was full of distaste— and worry. He sighed and put the bag down on the floor. This seemed like it would take a while. "If it's about the Shinjinkai thing, then yeah, I know."

"And you're still friends with him despite that?" he sneered. "Didn't you always say you hated people who were involved with them?

Hinata flushed. "Komaeda already quit."

"That doesn't change the fact that he was involved with them. A lot more than a most of us, in fact.” Matsuda shrugged. “He was the one who set us up with Yasuda's help. Or did he not tell you?"

Matsuda was right; Komaeda had never told him any of that. He could have guessed it was true, but he'd heard none of it from him directly. He felt a spark of anger at being so out of the loop again but he quickly quashed it.

No use getting riled up over something that's already done with, he told himself.

"What're you trying to tell me, Matsuda?"

Matsuda shrugged and combed a hand through his hair again. "...Just trying to remind you that if you really care about him as much as you think you do, you should tell him to mind his own business."

"I don't think you need to tell me that, Matsuda. Komaeda isn't doing anything, now." He’d learnt that much of a lesson by now.

Matsuda sneered. "You don't really believe that, do you, Hinata?" he asked. "After how much he's lied—"

Hinata stomped his foot on the floor and shook his head. "That has nothing to do with it! I don't even know why he's missing! And you don't either," he said "If he'd been doing anything to hinder your movement, wouldn't you have found out by now?"

Hinata breathed heavily and shook his head, hoping his anger would fade away but it didn't help. With everything that had been happening lately and his frustration over what Komaeda was up to, nothing seemed to keep him from wanting to yell at someone.

In the heavy silence that followed, Hinata kept his eyes locked with Matsuda's even though all he wanted to do was run away, back to his room, back to the only place that didn't remind him of all his inadequacies— but he stood where he was.

Matsuda caved in first and broke eye contact, turning his head to the side and looking off into the corridor ahead. "You believe too much in him," he said softly. "It's a little pathetic."

Hinata didn't need to be reminded me of that and he nodded, losing the energy to argue. "I know that....I know."

"If you really want to know," Matsuda said, his eyes looking a shade warmer all of a sudden. "I think you'll see him in a few days. I've gotten to know him that much, at least."

Hinata raised an eyebrow. "Did he tell you? Before he left?"

The boy shook his head. "No, but I have a feeling."

"That's an odd thing to say."

Matsuda shrugged. "Give it a few days." he said, suddenly looking disinterested again. Hinata wanted to know what that brief spark of emotion had meant. "You don’t have to worry about him not being with you in school anymore."

Hinata nodded slowly in confusion and backed away from him, knowing the conversation was over. He didn't know what came over him but he waved goodbye to him as he did.

\---

 _30 th July_,  _1923_  


The radio crackled and hissed and Hinata turned the knob, hoping it would make the static sound less intrusive as he tried to listen to the emergency broadcast from Kibougamine. All the students were huddled in the inn's lobby and Usami tried, in vain, to keep them from making too much noise. A part of Hinata wanted to shake his fist and ask the kids to stop yelling for a while so that he could actually _listen_ to what the school principal was trying to say.

He huffed and turned to look at Souda. "Do you understand what he's saying?" he asked him.

Souda pouted and pushed a few kids aside so that he could put his ear next to the speaker. He hummed, closing his eyes in concentration as he turned the dial and smacked the radio's body with his hand. Usami shrieked and the other kids groaned in irritation.

The audio suddenly sounded a lot clearer and Hinata could finally hear the school’s anthem clearly. Souda smirked in satisfaction and Hinata gave him a pat on the back. It had been a while since Souda had been around the inn for much longer than a few hours and it relieved him a little to know he hadn’t been abandoned by him as well.

"It is with great regret that I, Kirigiri Jin, must inform you," the voice on the radio began, "That due to the persisting problem with the student radicals, Kibougamine Imperial Academy shall remain closed for the time being."

Hinata’s head hurt at the very thought and he closed his eyes, estimating how long it would be before the school would open again. It had already been three weeks days since Komaeda had vanished, and if he hadn't showed up for two more days he would have been expelled. A part of him was glad that Komaeda had more time now, but mostly, he just felt incredibly annoyed that the school year just kept getting longer and longer. If things had gone according to schedule, without the interference of the Shinjinkai, he would graduated by the end of February. Everything looked much bleaker than he'd initially thought.

Just as Matsuda had said, going to school wasn't going to be the problem anymore.

He thought of Komaeda as he walked back to his room, hoping he wasn't, in any way responsible for this.

\---

_15 th August, 1923_

Komaeda wondered whether Hinata would be angry. And hurt- that he'd left without telling him.

He lay on his relatively unused bed, feeling cold all over, and regarded his surroundings with disdain. He'd never really liked his father's house- the way it was so pristine and elegant, almost like a museum that was only meant to be seen from afar and not lived in. He could see why his mother had never liked living here and he'd always sympathized with her on that.

The thought of his mother brought a pang to his chest and he wondered how she was doing. The last he'd talked to her over the phone, she hadn't sounded too well. She said she was fine even though he knew just as well as she did that her attack hadn’t been anything normal. Knowing her, she'd only been trying to act strong for his sake, just like she always had. She was a lot like him in that aspect— always trying to appear unaffected.

He thought of how much he’d tried to keep his worries to himself even when he was with Hinata. He'd taken after his mother, of course.

The door creaked open and a maid bowed to him. Komaeda jumped up from the bed and nodded, letting her speak.

"Komaeda-sama would like to talk to you."

Komaeda sighed. He'd been waiting for it. "I'll be there in a minute."

The woman bowed and left the room.

Komaeda made his way after her, walking through the cold, empty corridors that led the way to his father's bedroom. He looked at all the paintings, all the antique decorations that lined the way, and wondered just what exactly his father had been thinking when he'd bought them. The house would have been better left empty for all it was worth when there wasn’t anyone to actually live here. He couldn't see much point in what his father had been striving for and a part of him almost felt happy for causing everything to fall apart so suddenly.

He opened the door to the room and went in without knocking.

He found his father sitting at his desk, just as he'd expected him to. A bunch of small electrical devices he had no hope of understanding, and a few devices he did understand— a radio, a small, working model of a car (his latest endeavor) — lay cluttered on the floor and desk. All his father's hopes and dreams were strewn over the floor and he wondered if he would ever be able to look at them, with the same excitement and joy he remembered seeing him with, when Komaeda had been a child.

His heart clenched in his chest and he felt a wave of nausea as he stepped inside and sat on the only sofa that stood next to the bed. A part of him might have been happy about what happened but the better half of his mind told him how guilty he was about what had happened.

He might have acted without thinking when he'd joined the movement. He might have been hoping in some corner of his heart, that his involvement with Yasuda and the Shinjinkai might make his father look at him again. It had been a stupid, childish thing to do- it had only resulted in a mess he probably had no hope of setting right.

"Nagito..." his father said, his voice sounding weak.”I just got a call from Nikko."

Komaeda tried to calm his breathing. "Grandpa called?"

He nodded and wiped the sweat from his brow. "He says your mother had another one of her attacks."

"But..." he took a deep, deep breath "Wasn't she getting better? She talked to me just yesterday, from the sanatorium. She said she was coming back home today."

"Of course…I know. She must have been putting up a brave front, for you."

"What...what happened? Aren’t you going to do something, father?" he didn't need to ask, though.

It had been his own fault and his father couldn’t do anything to fix that. He might have run back home to ask for his help, but he’d come to realize that his father was just as lost as he was.

"I can't do anything for her, Nagito," his father said, putting his head in his hands, looking weaker and more drained than he'd ever seen him. "What have I done....What do I _do_?"

The same words echoed in Komaeda’s head. The room around him, meticulously decorated with so much care, seemed too alien while the world around him seemed to teeter and collapse.

"I...it's my fault. I never should have gotten myself involved with someone who was directly related to your business." He said.

His father didn't answer him and Komaeda didn't feel any sense of relief when no accusatory words were hurled at him. Sometimes, silence was more than enough to get that message across.

"She's recovering," his father said after a while. "It’ll take a while but they said that it was only because of stress. Her breathing's going back to normal. Very little blood this time."

Komaeda sighed in relief, remembering all the times her attacks had been bad enough to seem life threatening. It didn't do much to loosen the knot in his stomach, but it was still good to know.

"Are you going to visit her?" he asked his father, already knowing the answer.

His father shook his head. "I don't think it would do much good for her if I went. I'm sure she'd want me to be here and…try to fix things."

"Did you talk to Yasuda-san?" Komaeda asked cautiously.

Another shake of the head.

"I doubt he'll listen to anything I have to say." he sighed. "It's gone past that point."

"Do you hate me for it?"

"Do you want me to?" his father asked him, his grey eyes piercing. Komaeda shrunk a little under that gaze.

"It would help if you did..." he answered, unable to meet his eyes.”You _know_ it's my fault."

"You can't change what's already happened. You might forget, Nagito, but you're just a child."

Komaeda stood up, shaking his head. "That's what you've always been telling me," he sighed, walking around the room. "That I'm a child. But don't forget, father, that I’m the _child_ who put you in this mess. So I’m not entirely without influence, am I?"

His father seemed entirely unfazed. Komaeda really did feel like a child when he looked at him like that—unbelieving, thinking he was just spewing lies to get his attention. Perhaps he was, but that didn't matter much anymore.

"What are you trying to prove, Nagito?"

Komaeda was reminded of the times he'd gone to Yasuda, convinced him to help the Shinjinkai- his own sense of wanting to be part of _something_ that made him feel like he wasn't just a passive observer in this world spurring him on. In the end, his involvement had done nothing but destroy things.

Hinata's smile passed through his mind for a split second. He wondered how that smile would fade if he told him how empty he always felt, even with him around. He didn't have the heart to say that to him.

"Nothing much," he said, laughing dryly.  "I just wanted to prove something to myself, maybe."

"Wanting to prove something...you're still just as lost even now, aren't you?" his father sighed. "I can see it in your face."

Komaeda felt that he was probably more lost than when he'd set off to do whatever it was that he'd decided to do, but that didn't mean he had to admit that to his father. Anyone but him.

He glanced at the clock. The time read 5:55, and although it was just another moment that would pass soon enough— just another slice of time in a life that was falling apart— he felt an immediate sense of urgency deep within his chest.

"How long till all of this is taken away from you?" he asked his father, gesturing vaguely towards the room. Towards his trinkets and experiments.

His father sighed and looked sadly at the radio in front of him. "A day at most..."

"I'm sure you want to keep all of this, don't you?"

His father nodded.

Komaeda sighed, feeling tired all of a sudden. That’s all his father had ever cared for, hadn't he?

"Not much time left, then." he said, wondering why, even though his father was just an empty man with empty, petty desires, he still wanted to make him smile again.

The grandfather clock chimed an ominous ring that echoed within Komaeda’s chest. There was no time.

\---

_28 th August, 1923_

Hinata was cleaning up his shelves when the door slid open. He turned around, the dirty old rag he'd been using to wipe the dust off his books still in his hand, and saw Matsuda come strolling into the room without any hesitation whatsoever.

He paused when their eyes met and a look of confusion that mirrored Hinata's found its way on his face.

"What’re you doing here?" Matsuda had the audacity to ask him. Hinata frowned and put the rag down, pulling his sleeves down so he looked somewhat decent.

"I should be asking you that."

Matsuda curiously eyed the room, looking around without paying much attention to Hinata until his eyes finally came across the hoards of junk Souda was always working on.

"Souda said you wouldn't be home around this time," Matsuda said casually.

Hinata folded his arms across his chest and leaned against the shelf. "I didn't have anywhere to go to. Komaeda's gone, Kuzuryuu's been busy, and Souda's always acting weird." he said bitterly. "Since when did you start talking to him anyway, huh?"

Matsuda walked over towards Souda's junk and crouched on the floor, staring at it- holding each piece and eyeing it critically. Hinata never really understood what the stuff was— he'd always been more of a business guy than an engineering one— so he'd always just let it lie around the room, not caring what his roommate did.

"Where’s Souda?" Matsuda finally asked, totally ignoring Hinata's question "He was supposed to be here.

"I _just_ said he was acting weird, didn't I?" Hinata said testily. Something about the guy’s nonchalance and his ability to absolutely ignore what anyone else said pressed on his nerves. "If you have something you need to ask him it can go through me, I’m sure."

Matsuda stood up, holding a small, black object in his hand. He quickly shoved it into the front of his yukata and grabbed two more of the same objects from the floor, holding them gingerly between his hands.

"Hey!" Hinata yelled, "That’s Souda’s stuff. Don’t just grab it like it's yours!"

Matsuda sighed irritably and glared at Hinata. "I came here to get these," he said "He made them…for us."

Hinata narrowed his eyes. "I don't get why Souda would make anything for you." he said and looked at Matsuda shove the other two into the satchel he was wearing.

A thought struck him just as Matsuda made to leave, again without answering him, and he tried to push it aside but he couldn't.

"Wait!" he called out to him, his heart hammering in his chest. "Wait...don't tell me Souda's—"

"Helping the Shinjinkai?" Matsuda gave him a withering look "You're particularly dense, even for a reserve student, aren't you?"

Hinata cheeks stung as he stared at the pile of junk that was always lying in the room. Since months he'd seen Souda work on the stuff every night but he'd never even bothered to ask what he was doing. He briefly wondered if the things that Matsuda were holding might be dangerous.

No matter how much he tried to deny it, it all made sense. Souda was working with the Shinjinkai too. All those times he'd gone off in the middle of classes or in the middle of studying at home he'd made the same excuse-- that he needed to go buy ero magazines-- but always ended up coming back empty handed instead.

Hinata wasn’t sure if he'd been turning a blind eye to it on purpose, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel surprised, at all.

He laughed to himself and Matsuda raised an eyebrow, turning to leave but still looking at Hinata. "First Komaeda and now Souda too," Hinata said, mostly to himself. He turned to look at Matsuda."Where is  he?"

Matsuda frowned in question. "If you're asking about Komaeda again, I’m telling you I don’t know where he is," he said and smirked. "But I'm guessing you're not asking about him, for once."

"Tell me where Souda is." Hinata was surprised how calm he sounded even though all he wanted was to run over to Souda, grab him by the neck of his yukata and shake him until he told him why he was working for the same people he claimed to have hated.

Matsuda huffed moodily. "Probably the same place you'll find most of us,"

\---

Hinata's anger hadn't died out by the time he got to the Yasuda amphitheatre. In fact, by the time he cast his eyes on the huge, domed hall, he was angrier than he'd felt in ages.

There wasn't a soul in sight, save the few passersby who strolled by Hinata without as much as a single glance. He figured that was a good thing because anyone who looked at him right now would probably have been put off anyway.

He marched to the front of the door and tried to slide if open but it didn't budge. A small panel at the top of the doors slid open and a pair of eyes stared down at him. He stared back.

"What's your name and purpose?" the voice asked. It sounded like a regular teenager, probably no older than him.

He huffed. "Hinata Hajime." he said. "Let me in."

"I need to know why you want to come in, first."

He rolled his eyes. "Why is everyone else inside that building?" he asked. "I'm here to join the protests, obviously."

"Good one." the voice snickered. "But i don't think a goody two shoes like you would want to come inside for something like that."

"What the—" he wanted to protest but the panel slide shut and a burst of laughter resounded from within the halls.

Cheeks flaring, Hinata stepped back and stared at the building again. He was sure there would be some other way to get inside and he wondered why he was so adamant about finding Souda and the rest of the student radicals. He’d never been interested before, but now he wished, with his entire being, for the destruction of their cause once and for all.

It had been alright when it was just a movement he had no connection to, but now, Hinata felt, as if it was just there to make his life more miserable than it already was.

He shook his head and decided to check out the back entrance he was sure existed. He spotted an alleyway leading to the other side of the building and decided to go in, hoping no one would try to stop him there. The lighting was dim, and he could barely see two feet ahead of him but he didn't let that stop him.

He thought of Souda and what he'd been working on for these people- he doubted it was anything good. Judging from the way Matsuda had been holding them, as if they'd blow up any second, he could tell they were dangerous. What if it was Souda's devices that they'd been using to threaten the school for so long? He was sure they could cause a great deal of damage if they had used them.

He hadn’t known it was possible, but the thought made him angrier than he'd been when he'd arrived at the place. Consequences be damned, he just wanted to grab Souda and yell at him for leaving him in the dark all this time. He’d known about Komaeda joining the Shinjinkai too, hadn't he? He’d never even thought of telling him. What if he knew where the boy had vanished to, as well?

He was just thinking of where Komaeda could be when he almost walked, head first into a person walking in from the other side. He stopped himself in time and squinted in the dim lighting, wondering if he was seeing things.

"Hinata-kun?" the voice said, confirming his suspicions.

He grabbed the boy by the shoulders and stared at him, unable to believe he'd meet him at such a place. "Komaeda?" he asked, unable to keep his voice from rising to a high shriek. "What're you doing here?"

"I could ask you the same thing." he said and maybe it was just his imagination but he sounded tired. "Can we talk somewhere else? It’s far too dark here."

Hinata wanted to tell him that he'd come here looking for Souda and that he was way too angry to just leave like that but seeing Komaeda, after so long, he didn't have the heart to just say no.

"Sure," he said. "Lead the way."

\---

Hinata remembered walking back to the inn with Komaeda, not really talking much on the way. He remembered heading up the stairs too, noting, in the back of his mind how empty the halls were at this hour of the night.

But everything after that was a complete blank.

He wasn't even sure how the two of them had managed to get into Hinata's room—all he could remember now was how warm Komaeda’s lips were on his and how they'd stumbled over a loose tatami mat and fallen over, on top of each other. Hinata's mind had short-circuited a little when Komaeda just looped his arms around his neck, and deepened the kiss.

His mind raced with the acute awareness of how soft Komaeda’s hands were on his and how his own wandered curiously towards the neck of Komaeda's yukata, fingers gently touching his bare skin and feeling every soft breath that left his lips.

Logically speaking, it had _weeks_ since he hadn't seen Komaeda, and he was sure that explained the way Komaeda kissed him, as if every second lost between one kiss and the next was a second wasted, and he realized he could sympathize.

He was still lost about what Komaeda had been up to all this time and a part of him wanted to stop – whatever it was they were trying to do— and ask him just that, but at the same time, he wanted to continue doing what they were doing for as long as they could.

"Hinata-kun," Komaeda sighed, his voice low and intimate. He shifted a little on top of Hinata, disentangling his legs from Hinata's and settling on top of him.

Hinata almost forgot how to breathe. He blinked and looked up at Komaeda in the soft, pearly light that entered through the window.

"Komaeda..." his ears rang with a renewed sense of awareness, at the distance between the two of them and how beautiful Komaeda looked as he leaned down and kissed him, his lips hovering just above his jaw and moving down, towards his neck.

Warmth bubbled in Hinata's chest and all he wanted to do was hold Komaeda, feel the warmth of his skin and listen to his voice- but he didn't think that was what Komaeda was looking for.

He reached out a hand and touched Komaeda’s cheek, lifting his face so that their eyes met. When he looked at him so closely, he could see just how tired Komaeda looked. His eyes were a dark, stormy color and the veins underneath his eyes formed a web of dark lines under his pale skin.

"Komaeda," he said, trying to calm his breathing. "You're tired."

“And you look angry, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda countered.

Hinata frowned. “Was it that obvious?” he asked.

“You looked like you had a lot of things on your mind on the way back,” Komaeda said into Hinata’s ear, placing a gentle kiss on the shell. “Can I ask you something?”

Hinata tried to smile as he reached out to cup Komaeda’s cheek in his hands. “Go ahead.”

“What were you doing there, Hinata-kun?” he asked, still whispering so close to Hinata’s ear.

“Looking for Souda,” he said, a flare of anger welling up in his chest again. “Did you know he was a part of the Shinjinkai?”

Komaeda’s eyes widened a bit. “No…I had no idea.”

Hinata took a deep, calming breath and Komaeda slowly traced a path across Hinata’s chest, teasing him even now. “It’s always me, isn’t it?” he asked, frustration edging into his voice. “Why do I always have to be the one who stays out of the loop? First with you, and now with Souda too.”

Komaeda’s hand paused and a look of hurt passed through his face. It was gone soon enough, but Hinata had already noticed. “I’m sorry, Hinata-kun. You know I am.”

Hinata pressed a kiss to the boy’s forehead. “I’m not blaming you anymore. We’re past that.” he sighed “But I just wish I didn’t feel so much like I wasn’t able to do anything to stop it. You’re my friends.

“No one would blame you for it, Hinata-kun.”

“Where were you all this time, Komaeda? You didn’t even tell me.”

Komaeda looked away. “I-I had to leave after what happened. Mother is sick and father’s been worried all this time. I wanted to help him in any way I could.”

“Is…is that why you were there? At the Yasuda amphitheatre?” Hinata asked.

Komaeda nodded, trying to smile. He still looked tired and Hinata wondered just what exactly he’d been doing all this time. “It’s alright now…that’s a matter of the past.”

“What do you mean?”

Komaeda shook his head and leaned down, not giving him enough time to react, and kissed him, long and hard. Hinata’s breath stuck in his throat as he returned the favor, biting his lip and feeling Komaeda’s lips part in response, a sigh escaping him.

Hinata’s skin felt like burning and he pulled Komaeda towards him, changing position so that Komaeda lay underneath him, his face flushed.

They looked at each other for a moment and the room was quiet save for the sounds of their breathing. The silence felt heavy and thick with anticipation of what could happen. Hinata’s hands felt clammy and he wanted to run away just as much as he wanted to hold Komaeda and love him.

Komaeda tried to smile but it didn’t reach his eyes, and Hinata’s heart clenched in his chest. None of this felt right.

He didn’t know what Komaeda was thinking but it hurt him to see him like that. It was a hard time for Komaeda, with everything that had come up and he just wanted to comfort him, not make him look like he wanted to cry.

He sighed and turned to his side, letting Komaeda get up.

“What is it, Hinata-kun?” he asked.

Hinata rubbed a hand across his face and shook his head. “You’re tired, Komaeda.” He said, unable to quash the feeling of disappointment he felt when he said it. “We both are.”

Komaeda pulled at his sleeve. “I already told you I wasn’t tired…you don’t have to look so scared,” he cracked a smile. “I am too. But I wouldn’t mind it, if it was with you.”

“I don’t want to do it when you look like you’re forcing yourself,” he said, pulling Komaeda in for a hug and feeling how cold he was. “Let’s just go to sleep.”

“But—” Komaeda began. “I wanted to make it up to you…for leaving you like that. For so long.”

“You can make it up to me later.” He said, taking Komaeda’s hand and leading him to his futon. “I’ll still be here when you wake up. You know I won’t leave you, right?”

Komaeda didn’t protest as Hinata forced him to lie down but he caught his wrist when he started to get up.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, as sense of urgency creeping into his voice. “Will you promise me one thing, at least?”

Hinata sat down and held his hand, “Of course.”

He didn’t say anything for a while, just looked at their intertwined hands- lost in some deep thought. Hinata wished he had the courage to ask him what he was thinking.

“I hope you’ll never grow to hate me, Hinata-kun,”

Hinata looked out of the window. The stars were hidden behind dense, grey clouds and the night sky looked empty, almost lonely. “Do you really think I could hate you, Komaeda?”

“Promise me.” he said in a tired voice.

“I promise, Komaeda.”

“No matter what?”

“No matter what.” Hinata nodded, pulling the covers just above Komaeda’s shoulders.

Komaeda sighed in relief, already closing his eyes. Sleep took over him as soon as he’d heard what he wanted. Hinata sat and looked at the boy as he slept, feeling a sense of loss even when he was so close to him.

He wondered if Komaeda had felt it too when he’d asked him that.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> coughs...i hope you enjoyed it...
> 
> the next update might take a while because i still have an exam left :( Hopefully, after that the updates will resume weekly as before! :> thank you for reading


	18. Breaking Point

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Even for a time  
> Short as a piece of the reeds  
> In Naniwa's marsh,  
> We must never meet again:  
> Is this what you are asking me?  
> -Lady Ise

_31 st August, 1923  
12th year of the Taisho Era_

It didn’t surprise Hinata that Souda didn’t show up the next morning or the morning after. Komaeda had already left the room and Hinata didn't go after him because he knew the boy still needed time to himself. He could ask him anything he wanted to, but it didn’t feel right when he looked so tired.

He sighed and went downstairs into the main hall where everyone was gathered around Usami's radio as usual. It had become routine to listen to the news broadcasts that kept them updated about the student protests. It was impossible to get anywhere near the school ever since the bridge had been blocked off with barbed wire and the alternate routes had been barricaded.

He’d seen it himself and his gut has twisted at the sight. Seeing the school he'd so longed to study in barred off like that was something he'd never expected. He wasn't sure how he felt about it but no feeling of indignation or anger rose within him. He realized he didn’t care what happened to the school anymore.

"Recently, there have been multiple attacks on Kibougamine Imperial Academy," the voice on the radio said. "It was hoped that the school would resume regular classes this week but after the recent parading and rioting outside the school premises, it seems the session will have to be postponed further."

A few voices hooted at the news but the rest just stared impassively at the radio. Hinata looked around the crowd and found a head of pink hair coming inside the building just then. Souda's eyes met Hinata’s and he waved in his direction, an awkward smile on his lips.

Hinata didn't bother to smile back.

Another voice on the radio began speaking. "Student riots have always sprung up in the long time that Kibougamine has been running, but it seems that it has never reached a magnitude strong enough to shake the very foundations that hold the school." Hinata was only half-listening to the voice now. His eyes were looking at Souda. "Ever since the first year student Enoshima Junko has taken control of the movement, the Shinjinkai have gained in strength. Just a few hours prior, the alleged student radicals caused a fire to break out in the main course building on the academy. The fire was taken out—"

Souda darted out of the crowd that stood near the entrance and headed for the stairs, giving Hinata and apologetic look. Hinata huffed and left the hall, following after Souda.

"Souda!" he called out, trying to dampen the spark of irritation he felt when he looked at him. "Do you have a moment?"

Souda, who was a few steps above him on the stairs, looked back and pressed his lips together. "Sure."

They walked up to their room in silence and Hinata closed the door behind him, drowning out the sounds of the radio that blared outside.

Souda shuffled around the room and finally sat down on the cushion. His eyes looked tired and his clothes were a mess- his canary yellow yukata almost looked dull.

He finally looked at Hinata and sighed. "I'm guessing you want to know why I was gone."

Hinata shook his head. "No, not really. I'm pretty sure you were at the Yasuda amphitheatre," he said simply. "Kuzuryuu was there with you too?"

Souda bit his lip and fiddled with the junk that was lying on the floor. "I...yeah, he was there too," he scratched the back of his head. "How did you—"

"Matsuda came over. He wanted to take those _things_ you've been making every night." Hinata said, pointing at the place where the devices had been. "Let me guess. They've been using these in the fire attacks haven't they?"

"I...I guess so." Souda nodded and looked away, dropping the things he held in his hand. "Did you want to ask me why I didn't tell you?"

Hinata folded his arms across his chest and sat down on the cushion opposite Souda's. "It doesn't matter why you didn't tell me, Souda." he said. He'd been mad about it when he'd learn of it, but now he just wanted to know why Souda would even want to join them. "I'm just amazed you're actually a part of this movement when you'd said you hated it."

A look of irritation passed through Souda's face. "Circumstances change, Hinata. You can't just expect me to sit on my ass and watch everything happen like it's got nothing to do with me."

Hinata felt a sting in his chest at the words. "It _does_ have nothing to do with you. It has nothing to do with any of us!" he shook his head. "This movement...the Shinjinkai. They're just doing this for attention and it's getting out of hand."

Souda groaned. "Hinata...have you ever stopped to think about what the movement's trying to achieve?" he asked. "All you've ever thought about is how they've been affecting your studies."

"What else am I supposed to think about? It's got nothing to do with me."

Souda narrowed his eyes and his expression looked more serious than Hinata had ever seen it. "See? That's how you've always acted. Like none of this has anything to do with you!" he pressed the bridge of his nose. "Did you know you're probably the only reserve student who _isn't_ a part of the movement?"

Hinata opened his mouth to say something but his words paused in his throat. He'd never really thought about it before and the more he thought of it, the more it seemed to confuse him. How did he not realize there were so many students with the Shinjinkai? And for what reason?"

"They're...What are they trying to prove?" he asked, more to himself than anything.

Souda huffed. "Haven't you ever thought about it, Hinata? If you'd ever stopped to look up from those books of yours you would have seen that they're trying to change the way things work. The way this damn school works." he sounded tired as he spoke. "We're trying not to let our fates just cheat us like that. None of us want that."

Hinata looked up from his hands and stared at Souda. "Do you really mean that?" he asked, thinking of how he'd always wished to change his lifestyle, to become someone worth noticing, someone worth admiring. His dreams had been dreams after all—and they had no hope of coming true. "Did you really just say that you don't want to let your fate guide you even though you've done nothing to actually change it? You didn't even _try_ to enter the main course."

He realized his hands were shaking and when Souda looked at him with more anger than he'd ever seen of his face, his skin felt cold.

Souda stood up and balled his hands into fists. "Are you kidding me, Hinata?" he yelled. "Do you really think I’m doing this out of some selfish, shitty reason like wanting to study in the main course? Do you honestly—" he broke off his words and heaved a deep sigh. His anger seemed to vanish with that and Hinata just sat where he was, staring at him.

After a bout of silence, Souda spoke again. "Tell me, Hinata...In all the time that you've been here, did you even once think that this school isn't the place you deserved? Even after all that's happened?"

"I..." Hinata paused, unable to understand why he couldn't answer Souda's question. He'd always been loyal to Kibougamine, even when it didn't seem like it was what he’d expected it to be. "It doesn't matter now. You can't change what's already happened."

"Really..." Souda breathed out "So even after everything that's happened to you, even after you've been shoved into reserve, you're still not going to say anything about it? You're still going to act like it's got _nothing_ to do with you?"

"Joining the Shinjinkai isn't going to help." Hinata looked away from Souda. "Why bother?"

"Why bother, huh? Is it the same when you're with Komaeda?" Souda smiled ruefully. "You're still trying to pretend he isn't pushing you away, aren't y—"

Hinata slammed his foot in the floor, unable to listen to any more of it. "Why're you bringing Komaeda up? He's not even—"

"You know as well as I do that he's the one who's been responsible for all of this! The way you are right now, I bet you didn't even want to tell him how much it hurt you when he joined them!" Souda yelled back. "You're always acting like the victim but have you ever tried to fix that and do something about it?"

Hinata brought his hand to his sides, clenching and unclenching his fists. "Going against something you have no hope of changing...what's the point, Souda?"

Souda stepped towards Hinata and sighed. "You don't even sound like yourself anymore, Hinata" he said. "What happened to you?"

Hinata shook his head and stepped away from Souda. What had happened to him, he asked? He'd already lost his friends to the movement and the school didn’t seem like it would open any time soon. All he'd wanted was to spend a simple academic life in Kibougamine, make a few friends and get a good job. When nothing went the way he'd wanted to, and so badly hope for, how else was he supposed to react?

"Nothing happened to me.” He said and it didn't sound convincing even to himself. "I'm not someone who can do anything to change it. We're all just kids."

"Does that make you feel less guilty about not doing anything and just sitting in your room all day, waiting for things to change?" Souda asked, moving back to gather the small, round balls that were littered on the floor.

Hinata didn't answer him and Souda sighed, shoving the things in a paper bag.

"I won't be back for a few nights," he said, after a while, as if trying to make up for the heavy silence. "It's the last time. I swear."

Hinata stared pointedly ahead and didn't meet Souda's eyes. He heard the boy sigh and leave.

The door slid shut and the silence that followed felt loud enough that his ears felt like they were buzzing. A snap resounded through the room and Hinata's eyes followed it to the source. The blinds that covered the window fell to the floor, bringing in a burst of light that seemed too bright for Hinata's eyes, but he didn’t avert his gaze.

\---

Hinata didn’t remember falling asleep but when a pair of hands shook him roughly, his eyes snapped open. The room was dark and his eyes had trouble opening properly.

"Get up!" the voice said and Hinata had trouble pinpointing who it was. It didn't sound like Souda.

He turned to his side and pulled a hand over his eyes. "What...who is it?"

The hands shook him again and he heard an impatient huff. He snapped open his eyes and sure enough, in the dim lighting he could see Matsuda standing above him.

"What do you want?" Hinata said, his voice coming out raspy. He flushed and cleared his throat. "Souda's not here."

Matsuda huffed again and pulled Hinata by the hand. "Get up. I'm not here for Souda."

Hinata let Matsuda pull him to his feet and narrowed his eyes. "What time is it?"

"I don't know."

Hinata shook his head in exasperation and glanced at the wall clock. Four in the morning.

"What the hell...?" Hinata muttered to himself. "What're you doing in my room so early in the morning?"

Matsuda tapped his feet on the floor in impatience and pulled Hinata by the wrist, not even bothering to loosen his grip on his hands.

"Come with me." he said and Hinata didn't bother arguing when he was dragged out of the room and down the stairs, barely given enough time to wear his slippers on the way out.

They only stopped when they'd reached Komaeda and Matsuda's room. Hinata frowned and Matsuda prodded him on the back.

"Go in.” he said in a hushed voice.

Hinata's heartbeat sped up in nervousness. "Are you serious? Why am I supposed to go inside?" he said, his voice getting a little loud as he did.

Matsuda looked irritated. "Stop yelling." he hissed "You’re getting on my nerves."

Hinata wanted to tell him the same thing but he bit his tongue. "Komaeda must be sleeping."

"No...He’s awake." he said and Hinata frowned. Komaeda never stayed up so late. "Just...just go talk to him. You’re the only one he’ll listen to."

Hinata saw the look of concern on Matsuda's face as he spoke and maybe that was the reason he let himself be pushed unceremoniously into the room. When he turned to look back, the door had already slid shut and Matsuda was gone.

He sighed deeply and looked around the room. Komaeda was sitting near the windowsill, his fingers absentmindedly leafing through a book. He was already wearing a thick, black sweater over his cream-white yukata and he didn’t look like he was going to sleep any time soon. Hinata’s eyes glanced past the two small bags that were lying next to the bookshelf—they seemed to be full, from the looks of it.

His felt as tightness in his chest. Was this why Matsuda had brought him here?

Komaeda caught him looking at the bags but nothing in his expressions gave away what he felt.

"Hinata-kun?" Komaeda asked, getting up and putting the book on the floor. Hinata must have imagined it but his face looked pale. "Is something the matter?"

Hinata scuffed his feet on the tatami mat, feeling a little disoriented. "I...Matsuda brought me here." he said and Komaeda narrowed his eyes. "I have no idea what was so important that he woke me up from my sleep for it."

Hinata glanced out the window and saw that the sky was still dark, cold and grey.

Komaeda seemed like he was thinking of something. Eventually, he turned to look at Hinata and gestured towards the door. "It's cold outside...but do you want to go for a walk?” He asked. "I think there's something you want to ask me."

Hinata nodded shakily, unable to voice the worry that he felt in his chest. First Souda and now Komaeda. Why did he feel as if the very people he'd thought of as his best friends were the ones who completely eluded him now?

The streets were dark, lit only by the arc lamps and the lanterns hanging near the inn and the houses. It had been a while since he’d left the inn for anything other than getting lunch from the shops in the streets adjacent the inn, and walking further than that for once, Hinata felt a little melancholy. Komaeda shoved his hands in his sweater pockets and looked up at the bare trees that lined the road, all dried up with sharp branches.

It was quiet outside and no one was there to watch the two boys as they walked next to each other without saying a word. It felt like a small world, just for the two of them, but it felt like a lonely thought and Hinata pushed it out of his mind. If what he’d been thinking of turned out to be true, soon enough he’d be the only one left in this sleeping city and no amount of wishful thinking could change that.

A train sped past them, its yellow lights flickering just a little in the darkness. The sound of its ringing echoed long after it had passed by them. They continued to walk without any sense of direction and the streets that passed them looked unfamiliar to Hinata. It didn’t scare him that was walking in the middle of the night with Komaeda in a town that was still, even after all this time, alien to him.

“I bet you’re wondering where we’re going.” Komaeda said with a hint of mirth in his voice.

Hinata just shook his head. “Not really. I trust you’d know the way to most of the city,” he said “You can take me wherever you want.”

He didn’t mind at all and that was the truth. He could go anywhere if it was with Komaeda.

Komaeda fell silent again and Hinata hoped he hadn’t said something wrong. It was hard enough to talk to him these days without feeling as if the smallest slip of the tongue could end up hurting someone. He briefly thought of the night before and how tired and desperate Komaeda had looked. He knew it was eating him even now and all he could do was watch as Komaeda dealt with it on his own.

Komaeda stopped and pointed to a street that rounded up near the edge of the road. The street lights had been smashed and the poles were dented, as if staying upright had been too much for them to handle. Hinata frowned and stepped towards the wreckage that followed.

The streetlights had been one thing, but the shops adjacent the roads—diners, cafes and a few bookshops— had all been messed with too. The windows were broken and in some spots it looked like a fire had broken out, leaving the walls with the color of char in some places.

“That street leads to Kibougamine as well,” Komaeda said by way of explanation. “It figures the student radicals would end up spreading destruction elsewhere too.”

“This is just ridiculous.” Hinata muttered and followed after Komaeda as they went into the street, putting the open market behind them.

 

“You see this Hinata-kun?” Komaeda gestured around them “This is what they've been after. It's just plain chaos.”

“You were there to support them once, Komaeda” Hinata ended up saying. There was no point in denying the truth.

“That was when I supported their ideals. But, these people don’t want to make Kibougamine a better place.”

“Souda doesn’t seem to think so.” He tried to feign nonchalance but he ended up sounding bitter despite that.

Komaeda turned to look at him. “Souda-kun? Did he say that?”

“He thinks they can change their fate if they work for the movement.”

“I don’t blame him for thinking so,” Komaeda laughed and a puff of white escaped his lips “Enoshima has a way with her words.”

“She doesn’t want any of that, I’m sure. And neither do her supporters.”

Komaeda nodded and rubbed his hands together, trying to keep them warm. “It seems their intent and what the people believe they’re doing is entirely different. They're all just hoping for one thing.”

“They’re want destruction.” Hinata sighed as he watched Komaeda walk a few steps ahead of him in the narrow alley that led to the school. The smell of smoke and something dry entered his nose and he sneezed.

“It’s in their instinct,” Komaeda nodded, walking a little slower so Hinata could catch up to him. “Mankind wishes for its own destruction, you know. It makes them feel alive…like they have a purpose.” He kicked some shards of glass as we walked and when he stepped on them on the way, they crunched underneath his feet. “And if they wish hard enough, that’s exactly what they’ll get _._ ”

A chill crept up Hinata’s spine and he wondered if it was because of Komaeda’s words. When he spoke like that, it almost sounded like Komaeda was talking about himself.

We’re all like that, aren’t we? Hinata thought to himself. Wanting things we can’t have…even if all they ever bring us is pain.

“The Shinjinkai—they think they’re going to change their fates if they make Kibougamine fall.” Hinata said as he thought of Souda’s words and how odd they’d struck him. He would have agreed if he’d said it any time last year, but now it just felt like a childish wish.

“They still believe that they’re the ones who make the future,” Komaeda said, pointing ahead to the building that stood in front of them. They’d already neared their high school. “What they don't realize is that Fate doesn’t just sit and wait around for people to oppose it. Everything has a balance.”

Hinata could recognize the sight up ahead as a familiar one but something about the dim lighting and the dark, looming building up ahead of them didn’t sit well with Hinata. He turned to look at Komaeda and their eyes met. Hinata could tell Komaeda felt the same when he looked at it.

“No one’s here.” Hinata noted.

“They don’t need to be. It’s already blocked off.” Komaeda answered, pointing towards the bridge. “They probably have more interesting things to do up ahead.”

The end of the bridge that led to the inner circle of the enclosure had been barred off, with barbed wire this time, and Hinata couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of nostalgia that came with it.

“When we’d first met, the bridge was closed off just like this, wasn’t it?” Hinata said with a short laugh. “But back then, it was just some rope. Not barbed wire.”

Komaeda hummed in response and stepped onto the wooden structure, the panels creaking softly under his weight Hinata thought of Matsuda’s words again and his worried expression, feeling them like a weight in his chest.

He called out to Komaeda.

“Komaeda…why did you bring me out here?” he asked, his heart beating painfully in his chest

Nothing about the sight felt familiar. The barbed wire, the banners that lay strewn on the bridge and the smile on Komaeda’s lips- everything felt cold and distant.

“I don’t know. It felt like a good idea at the time.” he said, leaning forward on the railing and looking down. Hinata walked over to him and rested his elbows at the edge.

Time seemed to be ticking closer to an end, and even though no one was around to break the illusion that it was just the two of them in this world, Hinata had never felt more alone.

Just ask him already, his mind told him, he’s leaving you, isn’t he? Hinata could guess Komaeda knew as well and maybe he was just waiting for him to ask.

Komaeda’s hand brushed against his and Hinata grabbed it on instinct, holding his long, thin fingers and rubbing his thumb over the knuckles.

“When I first met you I don’t think I could have imagined that you’d become so important to me, Komaeda.” Hinata began, wanting to say something to break the tension between them.

 Komaeda turned to look at him and just sighed, pulling free his hand and shoving it in his sweater. Hinata felt the rejection, knowing it was deliberate.

“You already know, don’t you?” Komaeda said softly, looking at the city that spread out to the east. “That I’m leaving?”

Hinata brought his hand down to his side and nodded, unable to say anything.

Komaeda laughed. “Is that why you’re saying all this nostalgic stuff?”

Hinata frowned. “What?”           

“Saying it won’t stop me from leaving, Hinata-kun. “ Komaeda shook his head. “Do you really think it’s that simple?”

“I never said I’m stopping you!” Hinata yelled. He knew Komaeda’s mother needed him and his family had gone bankrupt, as well. He knew that but it didn’t stop him from wanting the boy to stay. “But…why do you have to leave permanently? Won’t you come back here?

“I don’t have a place here anymore.”

“You could stay with me.” Hinata offered weakly. “We could share rent.”

Komaeda turned away from him. “That's just wishful thinking. If you really want to stay with me, why don't you just abandon everything and come home with me?”

Hinata’s mouth opened in surprise at the suggestion. “I—”

He wanted to say yes, but something stopped him. He’d always thought that when it came to Komaeda, he would have done anything for him. But now that he was faced with the choice, he didn’t think he could make it.

Even though he’d never felt at home in Tokyo, or thought that he had a future here, a part of him still wanted to stay. Perhaps, somewhere in his heart, he still hoped that things would get better.

 Komaeda huffed and pointed a finger at him. “See? Your hesitation tells me more than enough” he said coldly. “You wouldn't leave the city for me should why should I stay for you?”

“That's a twisted way of looking at it, Komaeda.” Hinata said, shaking his head.

Komaeda looked a little disappointed and Hinata felt as if he’d answered wrong to a question that he should have known the answer to.

“You don’t have to take me so seriously, Hinata-kun,” his laugh was soft but he didn’t look at him as he spoke “I’m not going to become the wall that stops you here. Everything that's happening right now...it's going to end soon.” He leaned off the railing and stepped back. “You still have a future here.”

When Komaeda said it like that, it almost made him sound like he didn’t have any dreams of his own, or any desire to spend a future with Hinata. Despite the cold biting at his skin, Hinata’s face prickled with heat.

“You have a future too, Komaeda! Why are you making it sound like this is the last time we'll be together?” Hinata asked, unable to disguise the tremor in his voice.

Komaeda stayed silent for a while, looking ahead at the sky. The first crack of dawn was starting to appear and the sky turned a soft shade of blue, flecks of yellow dotting it. He hadn’t noticed how fast time was passing and the sense of urgency within Hinata’s chest grew.

Komaeda passed a hand through his hair and sighed. “You still think I’m joking don't you? What do I have to say for you to believe it?” he said “I'm leaving for Nikko in the morning. The train will be there at one o clock. If you want to say goodbye to me, you can say it there.”

Hinata stood and listened to Komaeda, feeling like the wind had been knocked out of his lungs. He’d known Komaeda was leaving but the reality of the situation hadn’t really hit him.

“But if I was being honest,” Komaeda said, his own voice shaking “I don’t think I’d want to see your face there...”

“What about—what happens to us, then?” Hinata finally asked and the question settled in the pit of his stomach like a stone. He already knew the answer.

“This is where it ends, I suppose.” Komaeda said simply. “But I’m sure you already knew that.”

Hinata didn’t feel any of the sadness he’d imagined he’d felt when Komaeda would say it. A cold feeling of emptiness crept over him and he shivered.

“Is that what you really want, Komaeda?” he asked. “Do you think you’ll be happy this way?”

Komaeda paced the bridge and grabbed a stray banner from the floor, twisting it between his fingers. “I’m tired of this, Hinata-kun…you’re only—” he broke off, and swallowed. The banner looked like it would fall out of Komaeda’s fingers any second. “We’re only dragging each other behind. I never wanted this.”

Komaeda turned to leave, walking back to the foot of the bridge and Hinata watched his back.

“We’re through then?” Hinata asked, his voice sounding hysterical “Is it because of me?”

Komaeda didn’t turn around to look at him but his shoulders shook and he heard him laugh. “Hah, don’t be so full of yourself, Hinata-kun. That’s only part of the reason I’m leaving, you know.”

Something about the way Komaeda said it made Hinata’s head hurt. He’d always thought Komaeda had felt the same way about him. He’d felt it in his words and his actions and he couldn’t imagine someone like Komaeda just putting up with him for no reason.

He’d never realized Komaeda could be so cowardly when it came to this.

“…Why are you only telling me this now?” Hinata yelled and walked over to him. “Even knowing that I lov—”

Komaeda turned around and put his hands to his ears. “Don’t you _dare_ say it, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda yelled and Hinata tried to pretend he hadn’t heard his voice break when he’d said his name. “Even if—even if you mean it, you’re not supposed to say it.”

Hinata’s eyes stung and he took a deep breath. “Even knowing how I feel…how _you_ feel, you’re still leaving, aren’t you?”

Komaeda smiled but he never denied it. Hinata’s head hurt and looking at Komaeda’s face just made him even more tired than he felt.

The clouds were parting now, and the faint light of the sun lit the place enough for Hinata to see just how badly Komaeda was trying to avoid his eyes. He stepped forward and grabbed his arm.

“Just…just tell me one thing. Did you really have no feelings for me?” Hinata asked and he took a deep, shuddering breath to stop himself from showing any more emotion on his voice.

Komaeda looked at him and when their eyes met, time seemed to stop for a while. The cold wind, the trees around them, the water that flowed underneath the bridge- everything went still and Hinata’s heartbeat thudded loudly in his ears. He thought of the cherry blossoms that had bloomed when they’d first become friends and how, just like this moment between them, they had fallen apart at the slightest tremor.

Komaeda gently cupped his hand on Hinata’s cheek and brought their lips together, his cold fingers tracing circles against Hinata’s skin. Hinata’s stomach coiled with a nagging sense of urgency and he pulled Komaeda by the neck of his sweater, pressing their mouths closer and Komaeda grabbed Hinata’s hair, pulling him roughly towards him. A sigh left his lips.

Komaeda’s fingers curled in Hinata’s hair in such a familiar gesture that Hinata was almost fooled for a second into thinking this wasn’t the last time they’d be holding each other like this. He’d always known it would end some day, but he’d never thought it would end like this, with their bodies pressed together and their breaths hot against the other.

Hinata’s lips parted and he felt Komaeda’s tongue against his, burning with so many unsaid words that neither of them could say. A strange pressure built up behind Hinata’s eyes but he willed himself not to cry—not in front of Komaeda. He could feel the boy’s fingers crawl down his neck so hesitantly that it took all of Hinata’s self-restraint to stop himself from deepening the kiss.

He bit on Komaeda’s lip, pulling away.

Komaeda’s eyes were wet and he was still panting when he spoke. “Is this answer enough for you?”

The small feeling of affection that rose within Hinata’s chest was drowned out by the wave of anger that welled inside his chest. He knew Komaeda loved him but he still pretended he didn’t—all for the sake of keeping himself from getting hurt.

He pushed Komaeda back and shook his head.

“You’re a coward…you know that, Komaeda?” Hinata said, feeling the weight of each word, heavy on his tongue. “Get out of here.”

 A look of hurt passed through Komaeda’s face before he hid it behind a smile. Hinata pretended he didn’t see how his eyes were glistening with tears.

“You don’t have to worry about that, Hinata-kun.” he said in a voice that was barely audible.

Hinata watched Komaeda leave and Matsuda’s voice rang in his ears. He’d wanted Hinata to stop Komaeda from leaving, didn’t he? But then—why was he standing on the bridge, letting him go just like that?

He thought of Souda, and then of Komaeda, knowing that they weren’t the cowards here—not at all.

He felt helpless, looking at Komaeda’s retreating figure and knowing that even if there had been a way to let him stay, he’d already ruined his chance.

A raven landed next to him and squawked loudly, its voicing taunting him for being unable to do anything as he continued to look at Komaeda in the morning light.

Hinata didn’t look away even after he was gone.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! the art for this chapter was drawn by Zen because she wanted to practice drawing trees and bridges hahaha (and also bc she loves me a lot)  
> In other news, I'm finally done with exams so updates should hopefully be weekly from now on ^O^


	19. Tremor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like a driven wave,  
> Dashed by fierce winds on a rock,  
> So am I: alone  
> And crushed upon the shore,  
> Remembering what has been.  
> -Minamoto no Shigeyuki

_September 1, 1923  
12 th year of the Taisho Era_

_  
06:54 a.m._

Matsuda had always thought that breaking away from the cause of all his problems--- the curse rotting away at his heart and soul— would be hard. He’d always believed that leaving Junko was something that he could never do, because despite how much he’d wanted to believe otherwise, he knew he was weak.

When he finally uttered the words though, he felt as if the rock that had been tied to his stomach was finally loosening a bit. The knot would gradually unwind.

“I won’t be helping you anymore.” He said form where he was standing at the doorway, one foot inside and the other inching to move back. “I’ve had enough of your planning and scheming. I never wanted any of this.”

Junko’s face fell exactly as he’d imagined it would, and despite it all he still felt a sting in his chest to see her look so utterly crushed. “What brought this on?” she asked in a voice surprisingly devoid of emotion. “Are you starting to feel _sorry_ for everything you’ve done willingly?”

Matsuda flinched at the accusation. “I won’t deny I did it to help you. You know I’ve done everything you wanted because I cared about you.”

“So why now?” she asked, leaning against the door of her room as if she couldn’t stand straight without its support. “Is it because of that roommate of yours?”

“You didn’t need to destroy his life the way you did, Junko,” he said, not sure why he felt a spark of irritation at the thought “You could have just let it go.”

“And let him ruin everything we’d worked so hard for?” she laughed “You know as well as I do that he didn’t want any good for us. And besides, he left of his own volition so why are you blaming me?”

This, Matsuda knew, was Junko’s way of telling herself that it wasn’t her fault. It was the only way she was able to put aside any feelings of guilt she might have had. It was sickening that he actually felt sympathy for Komaeda now, instead of anger, and that he wanted him to stay if only so that he wouldn’t feel the  crushing guilt of letting Enoshima have her way again.

“How many more lives do you intend on destroying?” he asked her, already feeling tired. “This isn’t what we started with.”

Enoshima gave him a despairing look. “Are you just going to leave me at our most critical time? I need everyone’s help. Yours too.”

Matsuda shook his head and smiled. “You don’t need me. And I don’t need you either.” He was lying, of course, and he prayed silently that Junko wouldn’t catch on.

The look in her eyes was enough. She knew it as well as he did—how sickeningly dependent Matsuda was, and how, despite all that, he was still trying to leave. She didn’t say anything though and just lowered her head.

“The movement will go on without you, Matsuda.” She said with a grin, regaining her composure once more. It made Matsuda breathe easier to look at her like that. And a lot less guilty, he thought. “You’re right. I don’t need you.”

Just like Junko could see through his lies, Matsuda knew she was lying too. He could feel the frayed bits of her corrupted mind wearing thinner with each word she uttered and he wondered how long it would be before she snapped completely.

“Good luck then, I guess,” he said, shuffling his feet around and wondering why every word seemed so hard to utter. Talking to Junko had always been one of the few things in life that had felt natural to him.

Silence followed Matsuda’s words and the two of them stood looking at each other, sizing the other down.

Junko sighed and pushed back the stray strands of hair on her face. “Just what are you planning Matsuda?” she asked.

Matsuda shrugged. “Nothing.” He said, “I’ll go back to my apartment and wait this out. I won’t be a part of it.”

“Is that right?” Junko said softly, and he’d never felt her sound more tired than she did at that moment. “Can I trust you on that?”

“You can.” He said, wishing for a life where Junko hadn’t been so obsessed with destruction and where he could have truly made her happy.

She laughed. “Liar. I know you better than that.”

Matsuda smiled and raised a hand to her cheek. “But you can’t stop me either way.”

She leaned into the touch and closed her eyes. “I do love you a lot, you know.” she said.

He sighed and retracted his hand, knowing he was only prolonging the inevitable. “I know.” he said but he didn’t bother to reciprocate the sentiment even though it was what he longed to do.

He took a step back and then another, and gradually increased the distance between them.

Junko waved halfheartedly before he turned his back to her and left the shabby enclosure where she lived.

His footsteps gained speed as he exited the building and a sense of pressing purpose overcame him. He was free from her, but that wasn’t enough anymore. He had something else he still had to do.

As he walked towards Ginza, his eyes started searching for the nearest payphone.

\---

_8:17 a.m._

Kuzuryuu took note of the preparations and smiled to himself. Everything was going according to plan and if things went along smoothly Kibougamine would be in flames by the next two hours. Let everyone who would see it remember the movement for the destruction it had caused. He didn’t care if it changed nothing as long as the damn school got what it deserved.

He felt only a little remorseful that some of the students would actually be disheartened over the school’s destruction. He thought of Hinata and how crushed he’d be but he shook his head and removed the thought from his mind. Souda was working with him and whether Hinata knew it or not they were actually doing what was for the best.

No one deserved to suffer at the hands of a school like Kibougamine.

The students around him paced the amphitheatre’s hall in anxiety and anticipation and he could sympathize with them. He felt the same way and, despite the cold, he felt his hands sweat just a little.

The students had their makeshift weapons ready and the barricades around the school were loose enough for most of them to get past. It was almost time to get ready and start the parade.

Peko came running to him, her braided ponytails bobbing up and down as she did. He raised an eyebrow at her concerned expression.

“What is it Peko?” he asked her.

She seemed out of breath as she spoke. “Young master, we must leave as soon as possible.”

“Huh?” he frowned. “What—” 

She shook her head and tugged at his sleeve, stopping him midsentence. “This place is dangerous, young master. I have a feeling we're not safe here.”

“What’re you talking about? We'll be leaving for the school in a few minutes anyway.” He told her even though she was already well aware of the plan. Her behavior seemed odd. “Junko will be here any second—”

“Enoshima Junko has already run away,” She cut him off and her eyes narrowed in disgust. “She isn’t going to weather this out with us.”

“What the fuck? Where's Matsuda?” he asked her because if anyone knew what was going on, it would be him.

“I...I don’t know. Young master we have to leave before they catch us too.”

Kuzuryuu shook his head in resignation. “I can’t just leave! Everyone’s ready and they're going to look to me as their leader if Enoshima isn't here.”

Peko's expression turned dark as if Kuzuryuu had just stated what she most feared. "That's exactly what I’m afraid of." she said "If this plan fails and we're all caught, they're going to hold _you_ as the head of the movement!"

Realization dawned on Kuzuryuu and his skin felt cold. He felt trapped, and when he turned to look at the crowd of students that was gathering, he felt like he'd been given control of a monster that he didn't know how to tame.

"I...I wanted this," he said, not sure if he even believed himself "I’ve always wanted to be the leader of this movement. I'm finally getting what I wanted."

Peko's lips pressed in a thin line and Kuzuryuu felt her disappointment clearly. "That isn't what you want, young master. You're just scared of running away."

"Can you blame me?" he said, jerking a thumb towards the gathering "They're all going to turn on us if I run away now."

"Like they turned on Komaeda Nagito?"

"How do you—" he began but then stopped himself. Of course, everyone knew about Komaeda. "I'm not like that traitor. I won't abandon everything because it's getting out of hand."

"He did what was right, Kuzuryuu." Peko’s voice had a hard edge to it as she spoke. "Will you not do the same?"

Kuzuryuu shook his head. "It doesn’t work like that. Look what turning on them got him. He's got nowhere to go now....I don’t want to end up like that."

"So you'll lead these people then?" she asked, slowly retracting her hand and moving back to the professional distance she always kept with him. It stung, like he'd been rejected by her, but he couldn't do anything against it. "Will you walk these people out to inevitable failure?"

Kuzuryuu tried to smirk but it didn’t feel very convincing even to him. "We don't know until we try."

Peko didn't say anything in reply and stayed by Kuzuryuu’s side despite her clear anger at him. It had always been like that but Kuzuryuu couldn’t shake off the feeling that he should have listened to her when he could have.

When he rounded up the group and opened the gates to leave for the school, the police were already waiting for him on the other side.

\---

_11:26 a.m._

The sensation of something wet and rough was the first thing Hinata’s mind woke up to and he closed his eyes slowly, a pained groan escaping him as he tried to move. He felt cold all over and his body felt like it hadn’t been used in ages, like an old car gone to rust.

When his eyes gradually became accustomed to the faint lighting of the narrow alley he was huddled in, he saw a suspicious white patch of fur next to his feet. Sitting up in surprise, Hinata saw a small kitten licking away at his feet and he tried to fight away the confusion swirling through his mind.

The cat ran away the moment Hinata moved and he dazedly watched it scamper off as he tried to wrap his mind around what he’d been doing. He remembered walking around after Komaeda had left, the feeling of emptiness washing over him like a calm tide, and he remembered crying. His eyes still felt puffy and they stung when he blinked.

He must have passed out sometime after that because the sun was already out and his entire body felt painful from the uncomfortable position he’d been sleeping in.

As he got up, a youth about his age—by the looks of him— came running in his direction. He waved over to him and Hinata got the impression that the boy was in a panicked frenzy.

“Hey you!” the boy called out. “You’re a part of the movement too, aren’t you?”

“Huh?” Hinata blinked as he tried to straighten out his clothes.

The boy didn’t seem to notice his confusion because he ran forward, grabbed Hinata by the shoulders and shook him. “Someone tipped off the police and now they’re coming this way. Get out before they catch you too!”

Hinata’s sleep addled mind only had a few seconds to comprehend what the words meant before the boy was running off in the other direction—probably to warn the others about the police.

The police, Hinata circulated the words in his head and tried to understand the significance of what the boy had just said. If the police had been tipped off, didn’t that mean that everyone involved with the movement would be arrested?

A sane person would have run away from the school as soon as they knew that they were in danger, but all Hinata could think of at the time was that Souda was supposed to be in the school too.

Forgetting all about Komaeda for the while, Hinata began running after the youth who’d come to warn him. The bridge was closed off when he got there, the barbed wire still intact but Hinata saw no other way to get there instead of passing through it.

It was hard to get past without his clothes getting caught in the wires but he managed to make it through with only a few cuts to his hands and feet. The school premises looked more or less the same as he’d last seen it save for the piles of banners and waste lying around the grounds encircling the school.

He saw no traces of people close by but he amounted that to the fact that they were probably hiding somewhere inside. He ran towards the main course building, hoping he could find someone there.

He wasn’t sure why he was running so fast and so desperately to warn Souda, but he felt as if he had to. Despite the fact that they’d been fighting—and despite how Souda was a part of the people he despised the most—he still knew that he had to protect him.

As he turned towards the school building, he felt his body shake slightly, as if a tremor had passed through him. He stopped to steady himself and wondered if it was because of the fatigue that he felt lightheaded. When he didn’t feel the tremors anymore, he moved to run again.

He could hear a commotion from within the building and sure enough, as he stepped inside, he could see a group of people running out of the building in a hurry. By the looks on their faces—panicked and urgent—he could guess that the boy had already warned a bunch of them already.

Hinata stopped to scan the groups that continued to leave the building one by one but he couldn’t find the head of pink hair anywhere.

“Souda!” he still called out, hoping he was somewhere nearby.  He didn’t get a reply but ended up getting shoved out of the doorway by the others who were running out, banners and metal poles clutched in their hands.

A shudder passed through Hinata at the thought of what could happen if this group of students decided to get violent. There was no doubt in his mind that the police force coming in their direction would be forced to respond with equal venom—and that wasn’t something Hinata ever wanted to witness.

For the umpteenth time in his life, Hinata cursed the very movement right down to its pathetic ideals and flimsy hopes. He couldn’t understand why Souda had wanted to join, and he decided that he would give him a piece of his mind once he was safely out of the hands of the police.

Another student rushed past him and Hinata quickly grabbed him by the arm and stopped him in his tracks. His expression was painted with annoyance and he narrowed his eyes testily when he looked at Hinata.

“Have you seen Souda?” Hinata asked quickly. “He’s a guy with really bright pink—”

“I know who Souda is,” the guy cut him off sharply and pointed upwards—towards the building’s second floor. “He’s up there. Still gathering his equipment.”

“No one’s helping him?” he asked hurriedly.

The guy shrugged and pulled his arm out of Hinata’s grasp. “When it comes to the police it’s every man for himself. If you care so much, go help him yourself.”

With that, the boy ran off, leaving Hinata alone to rush towards the staircase and head upstairs in the hopes of getting Souda out of there. He ran up and looked around the hall in a hurry, hoping he could find Souda coming out of one of the rooms—it would save him the time of looking for him.

When he didn’t see him in the hall, he turned to look inside the classrooms one by one and finally found him inside the library, gathering up the stuff that lay on one of the tables.

“Souda!” Hinata called out as he ran towards him. “What the hell are you still doing here?”

Souda gaped at Hinata, still working fast to gather all the small metal objects in a flimsy cloth bag. “I should be asking you! What’re you doing here?” he asked, and then as an afterthought he said. “You look like shit, Hinata.”

Hinata figured as much, thinking of how he’d fallen asleep in the alley without much thought.

“We’ll talk about that later! Why’re you still inside?” Hinata said, pulling Souda by the arm. “We need to leave before the police get here.”

“Just a minute. I need to gather this stuff up—”

Hinata continued to tug Souda’s arm. “Just leave it behind. Who cares?”

“I can’t leave the bombs lying around for them to find!” Souda snapped, hurriedly shoving the items inside the bag. “If they caught wind of the fact that we could have blown the school up, we’ll never get out of jail.”

Hinata stared at the objects Souda held in his hand and felt a sudden sense of foreboding that he couldn’t quite place. They were only a few students still inside the building most likely and the fact that the police were on their way meant that they could be caught while still carrying them.

“Are you serious?” Hinata said, helping Souda out despite himself. “What if we get caught?”

“I’m telling you to get out of here, Hinata.” Souda clicked his tongue. “You weren’t even supposed to be here.”

“I came to warn you! Was that so wrong?”

Souda hauled the bag over his shoulder and motioned for Hinata to move. “Nah. It makes me happy.” He said with a smile. “You’re not mad at me anymore, then?”

Shaking his head, Hinata began to run out of the halls and Souda followed after him, a lot slower because of the heavy weight he was carrying. He made to help him out but a sudden wave of nausea overcame him and he almost stumbled down the stairs as he did.

“Ugh.” He muttered, holding onto the sides for support. His dizziness seemed to be getting worse and he pushed back the wave of blackness that overwhelmed his vision for a few seconds.

He took a deep breath and cast a glance at Souda who was running only a few steps behind him.

Souda whimpered and pulled Hinata by the shoulder. “Did you feel that, Hinata?” he asked in a small voice. “The floor shook just now.”

“Huh?” Hinata asked, trying to run again despite the weakness he felt in his legs. “It wasn’t just me?”

Souda’s grip on Hinata’s shoulder grew tighter and Hinata turned back to look at his friend’s face—he looked white as a sheet.

“Hinata…?” Souda called out, finger pointing towards the light bulbs hanging from the top of the ceiling. The wires from which they hung oscillated slowly, to and fro in small arcs and Hinata’s eyes widened in realization. “I really think we should run.”

Hinata didn’t need to answer because his feet were already skipping down the steps in a hurry while his mind prayed that he could get out of the building before the tremors got worse.

He had experienced earthquakes before, and he knew that if the tremors got any worse they would only cause the building to collapse. They were still on the third floor and getting down would take a while. His heart hammered in his chest and he anxiously looked at the windows and the walls for any signs of wear.

With every step they took, the shaking continued to grow worse, the glass of the windows clacked painfully hard against the panes in an ominous melody and the sounds of their footsteps grew fainter and fainter as the noise around them rose to a crescendo.

As he ran across the hall, the sounds of two pairs of footsteps faded into just one and it took Hinata a while to realize that Souda wasn’t anywhere close to where he was. The floor continued to shake and Hinata turned behind to see Souda, red faced and sweating, trying to pull out his bag’s strap from where it had gotten stuck on the banister’s side.

“Let go of the bag already, Souda!” Hinata yelled in panic and made to run up the stairs as the convulsion grew even worse and made him lose his footing.

“H-Hinata!” Souda yelled, “The stairs!”

Hinata looked down to the see the sides of the banister splitting away from the wall, and the wooden stairs were only strong enough to hold them up for a few more seconds before they gave in to the earth’s growing momentum and collapsed underneath them.

He thought he saw Souda make a decision and drop the bag but by the time he started to run again, the earth was already opening up below Hinata and he felt his body arc downwards, almost weightlessly, while Souda’s expression changed into one of sheer horror.

He only had time to reach out his hand towards his friend’s to hold onto him, to warn him of the bag that got crushed by the falling debris, but by then it was already too late.

The flames—flowering into being the moment debris from the ceiling had started to fall on the bombs— encompassed Souda’s body and Hinata’s vision was painted red with the sight. He cried out but Souda didn’t have time to react, and all Hinata could do was watch.

As his body plummeted towards its inevitable collision with the earth, Hinata was reminded of how he had once seen a plane in the sky and how just moments later the soaring body had been taken up by flames. It had spiraled downwards ever so gracefully, flames licking at its tail. Mother Nature had a cruel way of taking things away in a split second.

Hinata's eyes closed with the image of the burning plane etched behind his eyelids. Komaeda’s words rang in his ears.

_Mankind wishes for its own destruction, you know…And if they wish hard enough, that’s exactly what they’ll get_ _._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was honestly very nervous about writing this chapter and a huge part of me just wanted to do away with it entirely when i wrote it? I wrote the previous chapter in December and then spent the next four months not writing anything because I was so nervous and guilty about this chapter. I've kept this in the back burner for a few months and while I feel that it was a cruel thing to write, it's something that has been a part of the story since its earliest conception. At some points, I almost planned on getting rid of this part of the story entirely but I feel that if I did, it would have ruined the entire buildup that I've been planning since the earliest chapters. If you look back, I'm sure you'll be able to catch onto a few hints.
> 
> As a sidenote: I never imagined, in my wildest thoughts, that around the same time I wrote this chapter, earthquakes would start happening all over the world and quite frequently too. It just makes me feel a lot guiltier about it than I would like but it's also something that was crucial to writing the story in the first place.  
> I just wanted to convey the fact that humans aren't always in control and no matter how much we want that, we can't change it. Destruction and inevitability-- they were sort of the main inspiring theme that I kept for this fic and I'm sorry if this bothers someone but that truly wasn't the intention.  
> It's an actual historical occurrence and I've been working the dates gradually towards the day it actually happened (September 1, 1923). If you Google the Great Kanto Earthquake, you'll be able to find a lot of information about it. Be warned though, because you might see stuff that is incredibly disturbing. I unintentionally saw some stuff that I cant really unsee but ah I guess that's also part of the research. The aftermath will be dealt with within the story in either case so if you don't want to look it up from the internet, the following chapters will hopefully bring to forefront the full brunt of the damage that the earthquake caused and how it affected the people involved.
> 
> Again, I'm really sorry about writing this and I didn't mean anything cruel by it when I did. I'm not personally a fan of tragedy and I can't bring myself to enjoy even writing it.  
> Thank you for reading, regardless. It means a lot to me!


	20. Requiem

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Though in deep distress   
> Through your cruel blow, my life   
> Still is left to me.   
> But I cannot keep my tears;   
> They break forth from my grief.   
> -The Monk Doin

_Tokyo_  
1 st September, 1923  
12th Year of the Taisho Era

Hinata’s face looked horribly, sickeningly pale in the dim lighting provided by the lantern hanging above them. The more Komaeda looked at him, the more his insides felt like they were curling in on themselves. There was blood matted on his cheek from where his skin had split into an ugly gash, and his neck was covered in small bruises that dotted his previously unblemished skin.

He’d been told these bruises weren’t the worst of it, that some of his bones had been broken horribly and needed proper attention, but Komaeda couldn’t see past the bandages that covered Hinata’s arm and legs. He supposed he should be thankful, because he didn’t know how he’d react if he had seen the damage with his own eyes.

The metal chair he was sitting on felt like it would collapse any second and Komaeda fidgeted uncomfortably, unable to decide what he should do. He was torn between wanting to hold onto Hinata’s hand –his fingers really, since they were the only parts not covered in a thin layer of gauze—or to just lower his head and cry. Hinata was unconscious and somehow, the overbearing silence between them was excruciatingly painful and accusatory.

He cast a quick glance at his surroundings and felt like an intruder, knowing he was the only healthy person within the tent. The single, red-haired nurse, who was tending to a young man’s bruises, looked at him and when their eyes met, he gave her a worried look.

“He’ll be alright, won’t he?” he asked, concern lacing his voice.

She pressed her lips in a thin line and nodded. Her expression looked fierce, somewhat determined. “He will be. The wounds aren’t the kind to fester.”

Komaeda sighed, taking relief in her words, but it didn’t ease the knot in his stomach. The longer he sat here, his bag lying uselessly at his side, the more he felt as if he needed to say something—even if Hinata wouldn’t be awake to listen to him.

There wasn’t much time and every second ticked away too fast for him to keep track of. Everything in the tent spoke loud and clear: he wasn’t needed here. Why had he even come in the first place?

If only he could put that feeling into words. All he could tell himself, and anyone who asked, was that the minute the earth had started shaking, all he could think of was Hinata and whether he was safe. He hadn’t wanted the last time he would see him to be like this—bloodied and wounded— but he was thankful for the fact that he could see the slow rise and fall of his chest, a sign that he was still alive even if he didn’t look like it.

“Hinata-kun…” he said his name and it felt like a crime, as he did. He knew he didn’t deserve to say it, not anymore. “I…you didn’t deserve this.”

He wasn’t sure if he was talking about his injuries or about himself. The more he dwelled on it, the more he wished the earth had swallowed him whole before he’d ever had the chance to meet this boy. It really had been a cruel joke of fate, to have met Hinata and fallen in love with him. He couldn’t even deny it to himself, as much as he still wanted to.

“Sometimes I wish you could tell when I was lying, Hinata-kun.” the words left his mouth without much thought and the honesty of it left his chest feeling hollow.

He was sure that somewhere deep down, Hinata had known that he’d never truly wanted to break off their relationship, but his own hesitation had stopped him from reaching out to him. Maybe he was a little mad that Hinata didn’t even try to stop him as he’d left, but the sentiment was overshadowed by the crushing sense of guilt he felt over bringing things to this stage in the first place.

“It’s too late now,” he said, mostly to himself and then he reached out to sift his fingers through Hinata’s hair. “It wouldn’t have lasted anyway.”

He shook his head. It was a lie. He had forced things to end like this— that was the only reason they were here now, with Hinata lying unconscious in a medical tent and Komaeda sitting by his side, a useless burden as always. Time passed slowly and a glance at his watch told him that it was already hours past the time his train was supposed to arrive. He supposed it didn’t matter much now, since it had already been delayed because of the incident.

But it would arrive, sooner or later, when the tracks were cleared and there were no more injured people to evacuate. He’d only gotten a small reprieve and it was going to end eventually. His fingers continued to twirl in Hinata’s hair and he tried to memorize the feeling in his fingertips so he could remember them on days when he’d be alone in Nikko, with no one to hold.

He fought back the urge to cry but his vision blurred slightly and he had to squint to look at Hinata because he couldn’t afford to look away now. He had a feeling that if he did, he would miss something important, a small hint of something more within that sleeping face.

Despite his efforts, a tear still slid through the corner of his eye and then a few more and Komaeda didn’t have the strength to fight them back anymore. He cried softly, inaudibly, as the acute feeling of loss grew within his chest and spread to his entire body.

He didn’t want to leave. He had never wanted to, and there was nothing stopping him now, with everything that had been pushing him away already destroyed. The fact that he was still thinking of going back home to his mother and his grandfather—his small, makeshift family—was something that he’d decided on. They needed him too.

“I hope you’ll be able to understand one day, Hinata-kun…” he whispered, leaning forward so that his lips were just above Hinata’s ear. “There are some places that stay empty even when you have someone by your side.” _And there are times when even wanting to stay isn’t enough to keep you there._

Without thinking, he pushed back Hinata’s hair and pressed a light kiss to his temple, and when he caught himself, all he could think of was how the red-haired nurse had probably seen him doing it. He wasn’t wrong, and their eyes met in a flash of recognition but she looked away before he could really make much sense of it.

He watched her rummage through her small kit for some salve, her cheeks aflame and Komaeda sighed. It didn’t really matter if the nurse found out. He wouldn’t really be around much longer to suffer from any ill consequences.

“Um- Miss…” he called out, unsure on how to refer to her.

“Koizumi is fine,” she spoke up, pointedly directing her attention to a small boy—about ten in age—who was crying alone in the corner of the tent.

“Koizumi-san, then,” he said, and he noted how hoarse his voice sounded. He was tired, and he wished he could pass out right there, with Hinata still asleep next to him, but he couldn’t do that. His train was waiting for him, though he didn’t think there were many people to wait for anymore. “Will you do me a favor?”

 “I- I didn’t see—” she began and then stopped. She pursed her lips and nodded instead, asking for Komaeda to go on.

“Can you promise me to care for Hinata-kun until he’s well?” he asked her, wondering if such a selfish request was even worthy of being asked.

Koizumi turned to look at him finally, and her fierce eyes pierced through him. “It’s my job to care for him. You don’t have to worry.” She said, the last sentence spoken in a gentle and understanding manner.

Komaeda had the feeling she knew that he hadn’t just been talking about Hinata’s injuries.

He continued to look ahead and then at the small boy who was barely holding back his tears as Koizumi asked him where his home was. Somehow, Komaeda felt like the boy was just like him, lost and confused.

He held onto Hinata’s cold, unmoving fingers until he felt as if he’d lost all feeling in his fingertips and it was time to leave.

\---

Hot, searing pain was the first thing that Hinata registered as his eyes slowly cracked open. The dim light that entered his eyes somehow seemed all the more painful because of the burning pain in his legs and chest, and his vision swam hazily in front of him.

He let out a pained groan and settled back on the hard mattress he was lying on. The coarse blanket itched over his fingers and his arms felt like they were being squeezed by a giant’s hands, rough and uncaring. 

He must have let out a cry somewhere between, because he felt a soft, cool hand press on his forehead. It was gone before he could fully register the touch and was replaced by a voice the belonged to a woman.

“Ah, you’ve woken up,” he couldn’t recognize the voice. He still felt his consciousness swaying, and a part of him wanted to close his eyes again. “Don’t move yet! You’ve broken a few bones.”

Broken bones. He almost opened his mouth to ask the woman what she was talking about. But she was already shoving a spoonful of something bitter into his mouth before he could ask.

“Eat this. It will help soothe the pain for a while,” she said.

He finally opened his eyes and his body felt rooted again, not swimming in a whirlpool but still painful everywhere.

He looked at the woman, young and red haired, and when their eyes met, she turned away. It was a modest gesture, but Hinata also had the feeling it was mostly because she had to tend to the other people in the tent besides him.

He could see people lying on the floor, seated on the creaking metal chairs, most of them groaning in pain and a few of them barely holding onto their drifting consciousnesses as the nurse scurried from one patient to the other.

Hinata shot up in bed and his entire body screamed in pain but he couldn’t fight back the rising panic he felt as soon as his hazy mind had finally come back to the planes of reality.

“The earthquake!” he yelled and pushed back the blankets covering him. His fingers protested and his breath came painfully but he didn’t care. “Where’s...Where’s Souda?”

A few of the people weakly turned their heads to look at him but no one replied. Their eyes held the same expressions—hopeless and without life.

The nurse was there before he could get out of the bed, pushing him back when all he wanted was to rush out and see what had happened.

“Stop it!” Hinata protested, barely able to push back the wave of nausea and panic. “I have to go see! My friend. He’s—”

The nurse shook her head and he could see her fighting back her own tears. “You have to stay here. The others are going to make sure they find your friend. He’ll be safe.”

Hinata could tell, from the way she’d spoken, that she’d already rehearsed these lines before and said them to others as well who had been just as panicked as Hinata. It did little to console him—all he had heard was the truth behind them.

The falling debris and the shaking earth. The fire. And the feeling of hopelessness as he had done nothing but watch.

His heart hammered suddenly in his chest and he heard something crash. Hinata only registered the dull pain in his arms in a small corner of his mind as he felt the earth begin to shake again. His breathing became labored and constricted and everything was dark in front of his eyes. He trembled, unable to control his own body. He forced himself to clear his mind but all he could register was the feeling of a weakness so acute that it was all he could remotely focus on.

He needed to run away, his body screamed, he needed to run away. He couldn’t tell what he had to run from, but the urge to flee was so overwhelming that his entire body shook from the strength of the urge and his hands reached out to clutch at his chest and pull at his clothes. He had nowhere to run to.

After what felt like an eternity, the tremors slowly left his body. As if a hook had been dislodged from his chest, his breathing became easier again. The room wasn’t swimming anymore and after a few more breaths, the noises came back in a rush like a bubble that had been popped. The world suddenly felt too real to him, sharp and painful to his eyes.

The nurse was standing by his bedside, her grip firm on his wrist and Hinata tried to recall when she had gotten so near.

“Wh—the shaking—” he tried to speak but his breathing was still pained and his throat burned painfully.

He was drained and empty and he his body felt like a distant vessel that was somehow connected to him by only a weak thread.

“Take deep breaths,” she said in a soft voice, letting go of his wrist and pressing his head down into the mattress. “One. Two. Three.”

Hinata did as he was told and his heartbeat slowed enough that it didn’t feel like his chest would break open with the strength of it.

“Close your eyes. Don’t think about anything, Hinata-kun,” she said “You’re safe here.”

He was safe, he reminded himself, he was in control.

He followed what he said and although he wanted to ask her how she knew his name, he unwillingly crossed the border of waking to unconsciousness.

\---

The next time he awoke, his body seemed to be agreeing with him and the light outside the tent was brighter than before. Hinata couldn’t tell how long had elapsed between his passing out and waking up again but the stench in the room was worsening. The patients were asleep, their eyes ringed with circles and their bodies covered in bandages.

He tried to get up, pushing himself despite the screaming protest of his lungs. The nurse was by his side again and this time he didn’t push her back.

“I need to leave,” he said weakly, and it wasn’t very convincing but he pushed forth nevertheless. The events from before seemed like a distant memory. “I have to go look for my friend.”

Friends. He wondered where Kuzuryuu was, and Komaeda.

His chest almost seized with panic again but he took deep breaths and closed his eyes. “ _Please_.” He gritted out when the nurse didn’t respond. “I can’t just— I can’t just stay like this when I don’t know what happened to everyone else.”

He could see the nurse making a quick decision—the way her eyes narrowed and her head darted side to side, checking the patients. She sighed.

“I can take you outside. But only as far as the outskirts of Kibougamine,” she said, keeping her voice low “You won’t be able to go very far the way you are right now.”

He nodded wordlessly and moved to push his legs off the side of the bed. He wasn’t sure how he’d be able to walk when one of his legs didn’t seem like it had any feeling in it, but thankfully the nurse was there to assist him with a crutch.

He held onto it and left the tent, taking slow steps that didn’t jar his body with pain. What he saw outside made the breath leave his chest in a rush and he clutched onto the crutch’s handle to stay upright.

What he’d assumed in his mind was that the earthquake had hit Tokyo without warning. He knew that at least a segment of Kibougamine’s building had collapsed, owing to the weak foundation it had been lain on. He could have imagined a few more buildings and houses falling apart the same way— that was a probability.

But what he saw instead was sheer and absolute wreckage. The earth he was standing on had been rendered completely uniform, bare of all its rises and falls and all the buildings that stood over it. The remains of the road were gouged so deep it was as if a wound had erupted on the surface of the earth itself and was now beginning to fester.

There were piles and piles of debris everywhere, the rough and jagged ends of wood and metal poking out from within in reminder of what had been. The air was thick with the smell of soot and fire, and it spread all around him in thick smog that burned painfully in his lungs.

The nurse covered her face with a hand in an attempt to block out the stench that pervaded through the air, carrying heavy traces of the destruction that had been brought upon them.

Her voice broke him out of his stupor. “There isn’t much left of the school…” she stated plainly as if Hinata couldn’t see it for himself how plain and unrecognizable the place around him was. “Most of the students who were running outside at the time were caught up in the collapse.”

He knew he should have felt something when she said that, but all he could think of was how fitting it was. The school and the students that wanted its destruction— joined together even in death.

He nodded absently and began to walk, feeling like a disembodied ghost drifting towards the site of the destruction.

“I should warn you,” she spoke again as she followed quickly after Hinata, her voice trembling a little. “Not many survived.”

“Just the ones in the tent,” Hinata said weakly, somehow knowing that he was right.

She didn’t reply and that was answer enough for Hinata.

When they reached the far end of the gates that had once stood, Hinata spotted the crowd of grieving men and women that had gathered. The place where they had placed all the bodies, he realized.

His stomach twisted at the thought, almost in preparation of what was to come but his feet didn’t stop there. He wished he could, so that he didn’t have to face the truth. Maybe not knowing was better than seeing the truth for yourself—but Hinata knew he had to do it.

Somehow, the nurse’s presence at his side made him feel anchored as he came to stand behind the crowd of adults who grieved and cried. He stared at his feet, praying silently that he didn’t have to look and that somehow he could be spared the ugly truth if only he didn’t open his eyes to it.

The nurse nudged him by the arm and his breathing quickened, coming in short and panicked gasps. A few people parted from the group, clearing the way for Hinata and despite not wanting to look, his eyes still fell on the sight.

There were maybe fifteen bodies lined up on the floor, covered under a thin, black sheet. There was blood on the soil, matted like the color of rust and the sight of it made Hinata’s throat constrict—he could feel the bile rising up his throat and he almost turned to leave.

“What does he look like?” she asked him gently, and a part of her sounded hopeful as if she wanted nothing more than to tell him he wasn’t there. That he was still alive.

Hinata scanned the area, not answering her, and his eyes almost would have skimmed past him if he hadn’t caught sight of a flash of pink, as brief as a hummingbird whizzing past him.

His face prickled with heat and he felt the beginnings of a terrible wave of nausea take hold of him. He tried to swallow past it enough to speak and let the nurse know. He had to tell her so they could prepare what came next—she could probably help.

He opened his mouth to speak but the words wouldn’t come out.

\---

_Nikko  
1 st Septmber, 1923_

_Nikko is safe_ , Komaeda told himself as he climbed up the hill, single bag held in his hands _, the Emperor is there on holiday and the radio says he’s fine—which means Nikko wasn’t affected too badly._

The words did little to ease the anxiety taking root within his chest. The earthquake was only half of the problem.

The other half, he knew, was his mother’s health and as he swept open the door to his house and rushed in, only that singular thought led him forward. His stomach was tied in knots and every breath he took sapped the energy from his bones until the only thing he could focus on was staying conscious now that he was finally home.

His grandfather met him in the lounge and his expression was one of both relief and worry.

“Nagito!” he rushed forward, taking him by the hand. “Are you fine? Were you harmed?”

Komaeda silently shook his head, dropping his bag where he was standing and looking at his grandfather with a beseeching look.

“Is—is mother alright?” he asked and his voice was hoarse.

His grandfather bit his lip and wordlessly began to pull him into the room adjacent the lounge, where his mother usually slept.

The room smelt like medicine and sickness and the air was hot despite the growing chill outside. His mother was lying in her futon and her small face was barely visible under the thick covers lying on top of her.

His heart caught in his throat the sight of her in such a weakened state. “Mother” he said, barely able to speak.

When he’d left her, she had been healthy enough to fool anyone into thinking she was finally well. Looking at her now, pale cheeks and sunken eyes, he could barely muster the courage to walk over to her and grab her hand.

She opened her eyes slowly and her eyes met Komaeda’s. She smiled.

“Nagito…”she said, her voice shaking with relief. “Welcome back.”

“I’m home, mother,” he said, feeling like a small child all of a sudden. “I missed you.”

Her eyes didn’t leave Komaeda’s face and he could tell she was reading his expression—trying to see the truth from his eyes and wanting to know beyond that.

“My dear son, are you—are you alright?”

He nodded, grasping her hand even tighter and feeling her press back with some effort.

“And your father? How is he?”

He nodded again. “He’s fine…I was able to call him at his mansion. He was shaken, but he’s fine.”

His mother finally looked away and turned her head, eyes drifting off to some place far away. He could she was thinking of his father again, with that same wistful expression she always had.

“My dear…have you been well?” she asked, a single tear falling from her left eye. She wasn’t looking at him.

He tried to nod, but this time he couldn’t bring himself to. Komaeda felt, suddenly, as if he couldn’t breathe and the feeling of being completely alone held him like a vine closing in around his neck.

She was looking at him and the more he wanted to reassure her that he was fine, the more his eyes prickled with tears. Her grip on his hand tightened and he lowered his gaze so she wouldn’t see him cry.

“My sweet boy,” her voice was soft and gentle with all the love she held in that small, beating heart of hers “You left so much behind for me. So much…”

He just shook his head, unable to stop his trembling, and hoped that she would understand. He would leave anything behind, as long as it was for her sake.

But it didn’t ease the pain in his chest when he knew he’d left a part of himself behind— with a boy who was lying, unconscious and broken, in Tokyo.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the nice messages you left on the previous chapter. It was very reassuring to know that you didn't hate me for what happens and I just hope that you'll be able to stick around for the entirety of the story. Writing these parts hasn't been easy for me at all, but it was something that I wanted to write as a means of conveying some of my own personal feelings, and also as a way of learning new things. There are still many things I am nervous about, but I hope I'll be able to deliver with justice.
> 
> This concludes Phase One of the story, as I referred to it while working on it- and the longest by far.  
> Things aren't going to be very bright for Hinata and Komaeda as I'm sure you can tell by now, and I hope you'll look forward to seeing how it all unravels later on, and eventually leads to the parts hinted at since the beginning of the story. Thank you for reading and RIP Souda, he was a lot of fun to write ):


	21. Stasis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If only our world   
> Could be always as it is!   
> How moving the sight   
> Of the little fishing boat   
> Drawn by ropes along the bank.   
> -Minamoto no Sanetomo

_Tokyo_  
18 th September, 1923  
12th Year of the Taisho Era

It had taken Hinata a lot of pain to find out where Kuzuryuu was, and once he had, it was even harder to actually meet him. He looked at the rusting metal railings and took a huge breath, reassuring himself that he was just here to visit Kuzuryuu, nothing more.

It was hard to feel like an innocent citizen in the cold, oppressive silence of the prisons and as he followed after the guard—hobbling uncomfortably with one of his legs still in a cast—he wished he could be anywhere but here. He didn’t much want to be the bearer of bad news and he tried to push the thought out of his mind for now.

The guard turned to a cell on his right and stopped. With a jerk of the thumb, he directed Hinata’s attention to the fact that they’d arrived.

“Kuzuryuu Fuyuhiko,” he called out in an unnecessarily loud voice “You have a visitor.”

“Is it my dad?” Hinata heard Kuzuryuu call out from somewhere within the cell—he was still out of Hinata’s line of sight. “Tell him to get the fuck out of here. I’m not going to see him until he tells me if Peko’s safe or—”

“Kuzuryuu, it’s me,” Hinata broke in and the guard looked thankful that he didn’t have to answer to the Yakuza heir. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Huh? What’re you doing here?” Hinata could hear Kuzuryuu shuffling across the room as he spoke.

The guard nodded briskly in Hinata’s direction and left, telling them he’d be back in fifteen minutes. Hinata doubted he would stay that long—especially after telling Kuzuryuu the news.

Kuzuryuu appeared behind the gate and his hands gripped tightly at the metal bars. His face looked unwashed and haggard and his hair was a mess with clumps missing and strands standing on ends.

“Oi Hinata,” he spoke, his voice breathless and shaking. “You look like shit.”

Hinata figured he could have said the same thing for Kuzuryuu but that wouldn’t have helped much. He raised his arm in acknowledgement, still feeling stiff from the bandages it had been bound with not long ago. “How are you?”

Kuzuryuu gave him an exasperated look. “What does it look like? I feel horrible,” he said, his voice lacking its usual bite. “They’ve had me in here for two fucking weeks and I don’t even know how my family or friends are. It’s like they’ve forgotten all about us.”

Hinata nodded sympathetically and placed a hand on the metal bars. “It must have been tough…” he said slowly.

“That bastard Matsuda really threw us for a loop,” Kuzuryuu muttered. “I had to take the fall for him, can you believe that?”

Hinata frowned. He hadn’t been aware that Matsuda had run away—especially not when he’d been part of the movement’s leadership.

“So,” Kuzuryuu quirked an eyebrow as the silence drew out between them. “Are you going to tell me how that happened to you or do I need to ask?”

Hinata took a deep breath. “Kibougamine collapsed.”

Kuzuryuu pinched his mouth closed and nodded. Hinata might have imagined it but his cheeks look uncharacteristically white. “So you were there when it happened?”

He shifted the crutch to his other hand and leaned on it, feeling a little weak again. “I went to warn Souda. The police were—”

Kuzuryuu swore – loud enough for the entire prison to hear —and kicked the metal railing. “Fuck,” he ran a hand through his hair. “This is why you’re here aren’t you?”

Hinata wished he could turn away without having to speak but he knew he had to tell him. “Souda’s dead, Kuzuryuu.”

He watched Kuzuryuu open his mouth and then close it, still comprehending what Hinata had said.

“I…He was trying to get the bombs and—” Hinata’s throat constricted and he swallowed. “The building collapsed and they went off.”

“You’re kidding, right?” Kuzuryuu finally spoke, his voice low and cracking. “Tell me this is a joke, you bastard.”

Hinata only lowered his eyes in answer, wanting to get it over with soon but knowing he couldn’t just abandon Kuzuryuu like that.

“When did you find out?” he asked him, clutching desperately at the bars and leaning forward. “Are you sure it was—”

“It was him,” he broke him off “They cremated his body yesterday.”

Kuzuryuu looked at him accusingly and Hinata could see the anger in his eyes. “Why didn’t you tell me before?” he yelled, kicking the metal bars again “You’re telling me I fucking missed his funeral too?”

Hinata felt sick as he gestured towards his leg. “I wish I could have come sooner, Kuzuryuu,” he said, “I didn’t want to keep this from you.”

Instead of answering, Kuzuryuu walked back inside, and sat down on the bed in the far corner. He hung his head low and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“This is all my damned fault…” he muttered, and Hinata could tell he was crying now.

“That’s not true!” he said, knowing he felt the same way. If only he’d been able to get him out of the building faster—“You couldn’t have known…”

Kuzuryuu put his head in his hands, fingers pulling at his hair. “Shut up!” he yelled and Hinata flinched. “What do you know about this?”

Hinata bristled and his cheeks burnt in a spark of anger and shame. “Don’t you dare say that, Kuzuryuu. You think I don’t know how much he meant to you?”

“And what difference does that make?” he spat, every word on his tongue as bitter as it was scalding.

Hinata knew he shouldn’t be roused—that this was just a way for Kuzuryuu to cope with his grief—and just the thought of it made Hinata feel cold all over his body.

He sighed. “I’m sorry…I shouldn’t have gotten angry.”

Kuzuryuu nodded, still not looking at him from where his face was buried in his hands. “Just…could you leave me alone, Hinata?” he said, devoid of all anger now. He just sounded tired. “I need some time to think…”

Hinata nodded even though he knew Kuzuryuu couldn’t see. He hefted the crutch in his hand and began to take reluctant steps back to the guard who was waiting for him with tired eyes.

“I’m sure you didn’t just visit him just to say hi,” the guard said, gesturing towards the newspaper he clutched in his hands—probably noting the casualty count so far. “How’d he take it?”

Hinata pursed his lips —quashing the frustration bubbling in his chest—and left the building, and if the guard yelled after him for being rude, he didn’t stop to listen.

\---

_Kamakura  
29 th September, 1923_

Hinata’s mother—from where she was standing on the pier, hair drifting with the moist breeze that flowed—looked incredibly tired. His father crouched on the wooden platform, eyes directed towards the place where their home had once been.

Hinata swallowed. “Where are you staying right now, then?” he asked the question that had been on his mind since he’d come home, panicked and worried about his parents’ wellbeing.

The sound of seagulls flying above them and then swooping low to catch fish between their beaks, entered his ears and Hinata marveled the fact that the entire country could be up heaved and destroyed but for the birds it was nothing but another ordinary day.

 “There are shelters for people like us,” his father finally said, an exhausted sigh escaping his lips. “We can live there until we have a house of our own again.”

“And the money?” Hinata asked, noting how materialistic the question sounded. But there was no going around the fact that they couldn’t exactly stand on their own two feet without having money of their own. “Didn’t our boats get swept away with the tides?”

His father nodded abruptly and stood up, his hand holding one end of the rope that fixed the platform to the earth. “I haven’t been able to fish in a while. It’ll take some time.”

Hinata nodded, placing a comforting hand on his father’s shoulder. “It’ll be alright….we can make it through this.”

His mother, having listened to all of what they had been talking about, smiled at Hinata but it wasn’t a happy one. Her eyes spoke of how sorry she was—but for what, Hinata didn’t really understand.

“We’re sorry, Hajime. We really are,” she said. “We wanted to support your future with our money but it’s—”

“Who cares about the school?” Hinata frowned. “You don’t have to worry about me anymore! I’ll—I’ll help you guys out with the work.”

His father laughed and turned to pat Hinata’s back. “That’s mighty easy for you to say,” he said “But how will you do that? I doubt you can fish very well with that busted leg of yours!”

Hinata wrinkled his nose, knowing his father was only teasing. Trying to make light of the situation they were stuck in. He stared out at the sea and sighed, feeling hopelessly lost.

“I’ll think of a way,” he said, in determination “Even if I have to go back to Tokyo, I’ll definitely help you guys.”

His father laughed again, and this time his mother joined him. “I’m sure they’d give you a job as soon as you told them you’re from Kibougamine! Ain’t that right, Hajime?”

Hinata flinched but he recovered quickly enough to nod and smile. As long as it made his parents happy.

\---

_Tokyo  
26 th November, 1923_

Hinata curled his fingers around the railing and took deep breaths that turned into puffs of white air in front of him. His racing heartbeat refused to slow down, his hands felt clammy and the skin under his eyes showed a web of pale veins. He looked at the moon and tried to focus on its presence, wishing it could somehow root him.

Two months since the incident and he still felt tremors shake him every time he lay down in bed and closed his eyes. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d slept without any nightmares but it seemed like a far off thing now.

Sighing, he walked back to his room and tried to close his eyes, pressing into the warmth of the futon. He could still hear the voices—soft and insistent—in the back of his mind and as much as he tried to not focus on them, they washed over him like unneeded background noise.

The ceiling of his cramped, one person room dripped steadily with water and he counted the drops as they fell, hoping it would calm his breathing and lull him to sleep.

The water continued to fall and Hinata didn’t stop counting.

\---

_5 th December, 1923_

Hinata had the strongest feeling that his coworker was staring at him from the way he felt a prickling up the back of his neck. It was uncomfortable and if it hadn’t been rude and inappropriate, he would have asked the man to look away. As it was, he couldn’t do much besides ignoring it and hoping his first day as a construction worker would go by without much issue.

He was mixing the cement with water and his hands were up to the elbow in the sticky grey mixture, when the coworker finally spoke.

“How’d you end up working here?” the man asked, not paying much attention to the fact that the bricks he had been piling up weren’t in line with the rest of the wall. Hinata prayed it didn’t topple over despite the thin layer on cement that had been slathered over it.

Hinata turned to look at the man once and shrugged before bringing his attention back to the work at hand. “I needed the money,” he said. “My parents’ house collapsed after the tsunami.”

The man mulled over Hinata’s words, slowly narrowing his eyes in realization. “So ya really aren’t from here?”

Hinata shook his head and began pouring the mixture into the drum lying by his side.

“Huh…you don’t look like a village boy to me,” he said. “You sort of have that…what do they call it? That _elite boy_ air about you.”

Hinata’s hands faltered for a moment and the cement fell out of the drum in a huge mess. He groaned and straightened his hands so that the rest of the mixture wouldn’t be wasted.

“I don’t know how you got that image,” he said, hoping the shake in his voice didn’t betray his emotions.

He’d never thought it could be visible in his appearance.

The man finally turned his attention back to the half-done wall. But Hinata could still feel the man thinking long and hard about what he’d said.

“That’s a bit weird. You sure don’t look like some average part timer by the looks of it.”

“Must be your imagination.”

The man began whistling a tune Hinata was unfamiliar with. “Maybe! What’d you do back home then?” He asked and cast an appreciative glance in Hinata’s direction. “Those are some nice biceps you have.”

Hinata flushed, unsure whether the man was flirting with him or just asking out of curiosity.

He coughed and looked away. “A fisherman. Worked with my dad.”

The man grinned. “Fish is great, isn’t it?”

Hinata tried for a smile. “Yeah.”

“Well! Welcome to the job, buddy!” he came forward and patted Hinata hard on the back. Hinata had a feeling some of the dirt had gotten onto his clothes and he didn’t know how to feel about that. “Anyone who likes fish is a friend of mine!”

Hinata gave him a halfhearted thumbs up and began working again, wondering if he’d be subject to similar levels of intelligent conversation every day.

This is fine, he told himself. I’ll get used to it.

\---

_13 th February, 1924_

“Say, Hinata-kun,” Usami spoke in between slurps of the soup she was drinking. “How’s your job going so far?”

Hinata swirled the dumpling in his bowl, not feeling much of an appetite despite how tiring the work had been today. He didn’t really have much of a desire to do anything apart from going to his room and trying to sleep, but he knew that would have been rude, especially after how kind Usami had been to him in the past few months.

“It’s going well,” he told her as he finally took a bite. As expected, his taste buds failed, yet again, to register the taste but he swallowed anyway. “Thank you for helping me find one.”

Usami shook her head, setting loose some of the hair from the bun they’d been tied in. “Not at all! If anyone deserved that job, it was you,” she said. “I just hope you’re taking good care of yourself.”

“I’m fine,” he said.

She didn’t seem to believe him much, by the look she gave him. Hinata wished he wasn’t sitting alone with her in the dining hall and that she’d start getting tenants in the apartment soon. The clock’s tick tock made Hinata feel antsy and every second Usami spent staring at him only made him more nervous.

“My leg’s almost fine now,” he added uselessly “I can put my full weight on it.”

“That’s a relief,” she said and her expression showed how clearly she meant it. It warmed Hinata a little how this small, middle-aged woman was almost like a motherly figure in his life now. “And the attacks?”

His face prickled with heat and he looked away. “They’re fine.”

Usami was silent again, but this time she wasn’t judging him for it. He could tell she was sorry for him and somehow that was worse. He didn’t need any pity. He didn’t deserve it.

“I really wish you’d stop hiding things from me, Hinata-kun,” she sighed “I only want what’s best for you.”

He nodded silently, wishing this conversation would end already. His soup was already turning cold and both of them knew he wasn’t going to finish it.

“I know, Usami.” He said. “I’m trying…I’m taking care of myself.”

She reached out to place a comforting hand on Hinata’s. “I wish you would go out and make some friends. That might help.”

He jerked his hand back and swallowed. He hadn’t meant to react like that but the look of hurt on Usami’s face made him wish he could tell her how he felt, if only he knew how.

“I’m…I’m sorry,” he said, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths “I didn’t mean to pull away like that.”

“It’s okay, Hinata-kun,” she said in a soothing voice “I didn’t mean to pry.”

He shook his head. “It’s fine. You’re right….I’ll try talking to someone.”

Usami probably noticed how he hadn’t exactly implied that he would make friends but she didn’t mention it.

He tried pushing back the thoughts that always followed whenever Usami asked him to talk to other people, but it didn’t work. He could already feel himself back in the school building with Souda running a few steps behind him. It all ended in fire, smoke and ash and his stomach knotted in pain.

“There’s a new tenant coming in soon.” Usami said. “I have a feeling you’ll get along well with him.”

\---

_6 th May, 1924_

The way to Koizumi’s house wasn’t too long from where he lived so it didn’t take much time for him to get there. There was a line of patients waiting outside and he reluctantly joined them, wishing he could have been at some other place instead.

Usami always forced him to go and after refusing for the fifth time this month, he’d finally relented on the condition that she’d stop prying into his matters from now on. He felt mean asking her to do that but they both knew the situation wouldn’t get better as easily as she wanted it to be.

By the time Koizumi finally ushered Hinata into the small section of her house where she received her patients, he already felt sweaty and faint. He knew he should have gotten some sleep but he was still getting used to his work schedule. Help out at the library during the day, make houses at night. Try to sleep and then repeat.

Koizumi looked well dressed and rosy-cheeked, as always. Her beautiful red hair were still the same as he’d first seen her and in the time he’d known her—as the nurse who’d taken care of him, broken bones and all—he’d come to call her by her name without any honorifics.

“How are you today, Hinata-kun?” she asked, gesturing for him to sit down on the chair opposite hers.

“Doing well.”

She leaned forward in her seat. “How’s the job?”

“So-so. Kinda exhausting,” he shrugged.

“That’s a good thing , isn’t it?” she asked, a knowing look on her face.

“I get better sleep this way, at least,” he said, trying to smile.

She pouted, clearly expecting a more detailed answer. That’s what a doctor would want, after all.

They sat in the room, with Koizumi eyeing him expectantly. When he didn’t say anything and the silence became awkward, she pouted.

“Really! Is it that hard to speak a little more, Hinata-kun?” she threw up her hands in the air. “I’m a lady. The least you can do is flatter me!”

Hinata gaped, her outburst surprising him. “I-I didn’t know I was supposed to do that,” he fumbled. “I wasn’t really paying attention.”

Koizumi grinned and swatted Hinata playfully on the arm. “That’s much better. At least show some expression won’t you?” the laugh in her voice was clear “I was joking anyway.”

Hinata frowned. “That wasn’t a very funny joke, Koizumi.”

“It’s a doctor’s job to make the patient speak. I didn’t just get into this field for no reason, Hinata-kun,” she winked. “It would be nice if I could help you smile a little.”

“That’s not what I’m here for, you know,” he said, “I just came to get my leg checked.”

She waved her hand dismissively. “Your leg’s fine. It got fixed weeks ago.”

Hinata stared at the woman sitting before him. “What was the point of the appointment then?”

“Your leg isn’t the only problem you have, Hinata-kun,” she said, regaining the fierce demeanor of the doctor she was famous for being. “I’m not letting you go until I fix all of you!”

Hinata looked away, eyebrows lowering in a frown. “I don’t need fixing. We already agreed to that, didn’t we?”

Koizumi moved so she was leaning even further in her chair, eyes focused on Hinata so he was unable to ignore her. “How’s that working out for you?”

He didn’t speak.

“Listen, Hinata-kun.” she said, her voice softer now. “I know it’s hard when you lose someone you deeply care about. I lost my mother in an accident too.”

Hinata hadn’t known about that and he turned to look at her in surprise.

She smiled sadly. “It’s the reason I became a doctor, you know. If I can, I’d take away everyone’s pain so they could just smile.”

Hinata didn’t doubt her. From what he’d learnt of her in the small time they’d spent together, he knew how caring she was of everyone around her.

“Thanks…” he said, unable to think of anything else to say. He figured he should smile, but the concept felt alien to him.

“Anyway, the point here is that even though I was alone at the time, I still had people around me who wanted me to be happy,” she said. “I think you have to try and keep that in mind.”

He thought of Komaeda for the briefest of moments and quickly wiped the image from his mind. Komaeda was the last person he should be thinking about, he reminded himself.

As if a thought had struck her, Koizumi got up quickly and speed walked over to a small dresser drawer that rested in the far corner of the room. He wanted to ask what she was doing, but he decided he’d find out soon enough.

She pulled out a small, crumpled envelope from the drawer and walked over to Hinata. Her cheeks were flushed and for a second, Hinata panicked at the thought of what the contents could be.

“What is—” he stood up but Koizumi was already shoving the letter into his hands.

“I got this letter the day of the earthquake,” she said, speaking hurriedly. “By a certain young man.”

Hinata nodded absently as he turned the envelope and felt the painful stammer of his chest. He recognized the writing and the more he looked at it, the surer he was of who it belonged to.

“You met Komaeda?” he asked, his voice rising against his own will.

She nodded. “He was there, looking for you after the buildings collapsed.” She said. “He was very worried about you.”

Hinata might have taken that as a sign of affection from the boy, but all he could feel was a cold wave of anger washing over him. He stared at the letter in his hands and wondered what he’d written inside. More insistences on how he didn’t care about him? Or would he have offered condolences over Souda’s death?

His fingers clenched over the pale, white envelope as he spoke. “What did he say to you?”

Koizumi frowned. “He just wanted me to give this to you,” she said, confusion clear in her voice. “I thought that maybe—he wanted to tell you something.”

Hinata couldn’t bear to hold at the envelope any longer—his hands were being pulled down by the invisible weight of the words Komaeda had written inside—and he shoved it back into Koizumi’s hands.

“Koizumi,” he said, words gritted through his teeth. “Put it away. _Please_.”

Koizumi looked at the envelope in her hands and then back to Hinata. “Why? Isn’t Komaeda-kun a friend of yours?”

“No.” he shook his head, feeling dizzy as he did. “We weren’t friends.”

Koizumi didn’t pry but she looked helplessly at the letter in her hands. “Komaeda-kun wrote it down in the tent after he came to see you.” she said, her voice shaking. “I think this meant a lot to him.”

The image made its way into Hinata’s head before he could help it. He could imagine him sitting there, in the small metal chair that creaked too loudly, as he wrote the letter. He could even imagine how his face would have scrunched up in concentration, his pale hair falling over his eyes.

He placed a hand against the wall for support and shook his head. He didn’t need to think of him. He was angry at him, he told himself.

“I don’t need to look at it, Koizumi,” he said, closing his eyes and trying to compose himself but his heart was still painful against his chest.

Koizumi wanted to argue but she must have seen something on his face, and closed her mouth.

“You won’t regret this, will you, Hinata-kun?” she asked, giving him a meaningful look.

He looked at Koizumi and nodded.

Koizumi pursed her lips and Hinata watched her take the envelope between her fingers, pulling it at the sides. Hinata closed his eyes for a fraction of a second as if fearing a blow and then opened them again to see her rip the envelope to shreds.

The stray pieces of the letter—and the words left unsaid by Komaeda—fell to the floor and Hinata looked on, ignoring the regret gnawing away in the pit of his stomach.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was sort of a glimpse into the time Hinata spent in the aftermath of the event and how it has affected him. I hope this able to clarify some of the confusion regarding what happened to the other characters in the story, particularly Kuzuryuu. As for the rest, it will all be revealed in due time!
> 
> The next chapter shall be from Komaeda's pov and I hope you'll enjoy seeing what's going on in Nikko :> If anyone's curious about the details of the earthquake and the damage itself, it should be able to shed some light on it.   
> As always, thank you for reading! Your supportive comments and words mean a lot to me ^O^


	22. Shackle

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Color of the flower  
> Has already faded away,  
> While in idle thoughts  
> My life passes vainly by,  
> As I watch the long rains fall.  
> -Ono no Komachi

_Nikko_  
 3 rd September, 1923  
12th Year of the Taisho Era  
  


Komaeda was glad the radio only received signals in their garden because he didn’t want to be anywhere near his mother as the broadcasters reported updates on the earthquake. He knew how badly they had affected her when he’d accidentally turned it on in her room in the morning and he’d watched her breathing come in pained gasps. Her coughing had worsened but at least for now, she was asleep.

He shifted uncomfortably in the grass and smacked the body of the radio, hoping the blaring static would die out in favor of some useful noise.

He paled when the national anthem started playing and the announcer’s voice began to recount information of the damage so far.

Fires had broken out all over Tokyo—the apparent cause being the gas stoves people had been using to cook their food at the time of the quake. The fires were increasingly worsening to meld into one, gigantic firestorm, leading more people to their deaths.

_70,000 people reported dead and hundreds missing._

The announcer began to say more, but Komaeda turned off the radio and took a deep breath.

Seventy thousand. Seventy thousand. He repeated the number in his head like a mantra that could somehow make it seem real to him.

Sixty nine thousand, nine hundred and ninety nine people, including a boy who went by the name of Souda Kazuichi.

\---

_4 th September, 1923_

The next time he turned on the radio, he learnt of the fires in Yoshiwara. To save themselves, a majority of them the courtesans and aristocrats had drowned themselves in the Asakusa Yoshiwara Koen Park.

490 of them had died and their bodies had drifted to the sides of the banks, lifeless and pale, still dressed in their expensive kimono as if they were ready for another night of extravagant pleasure making in the quarters.

When Komaeda closed his eyes, he could see the bright buildings, the slatted quarters and the merrymaking as he’d seen it once. He couldn’t imagine it now, burnt to cinders and no signs of life.

\---

_5 th November, 1923_

Komaeda was sitting with his grandfather in the lounge when the phone rang. They’d been playing _go_ , mostly to pass the time while his mother slept, and Komaeda was letting his grandfather win this time. He had a feeling he’d caught on to what he was doing but they only smiled and continued to play until they were interrupted.

He gave his grandfather a questioning look—the phone was just there as an ornament, more than anything and it hardly ever rang.

“I wonder who it could be?” his grandfather asked, setting down a stone on the grid as he did. “Your father doesn’t call around this time.”

Komaeda nodded, his heartbeat quickening at the small possibility that the call was for him. He had been waiting patiently but he didn’t want to get his hopes up.

“I’ll go check,” he said quickly, and walked out of the room to the lounge where the phone was sat.

It was still ringing loudly when he got to it, and he quickly picked up the golden earpiece and pressed it to his ear. The silence that followed was deafening and he could hear his heartbeat loud in his ears.

“…Hello?” his voice echoed within the earpiece.

There was some shuffling on the other side before someone spoke and he was disappointed to realize it was a woman. “Is this Komaeda-kun speaking?”

He coughed. “Yes. I’m Komaeda Nagito. Do you wish to speak to me?”

Another pause and then the woman cleared her throat. “I’m Koizumi Mahiru,” she said simply, tersely.

Komaeda perked up suddenly, realizing he knew the woman’s name. “Ah! Are you the nurse who took care of Hinata-kun?”

“Yes.” He could almost imagine her nodding as she said it.

There was silence again and Komaeda wondered what he was supposed to say. He was happy, but mostly confused that she had called.

“How did you get my number?” he asked suddenly realizing he hadn’t left it with anyone he knew in Tokyo. “I don’t remember—”

“You handed me a letter,” she cut in. “For Hinata-kun.”

He flushed. “Does that mean you read it?”

“I did,” she said and paused “I wanted to check if you were someone who could be trusted.”

“Really, that’s a rude way of putting it,” Komaeda huffed, taking the mouthpiece and settling down on the floor in a more comfortable position. “Do I not look like someone who can be trusted?”

It was a joke, really, to cover for his embarrassment. He’d been hoping Koizumi wouldn’t have paid much thought to what he’d done in the medical tent, but he figured it was only natural for her to think he was someone suspicious.

“It’s not that you didn’t look trustworthy!” she said sharply. “I just—I thought that if you had that kind of relationship with Hinata-kun then it might have been—”

“One-sided?” he offered a little bitterly. “Unrequited?”

“Th-that’s one way of putting it,”

He sighed “Well, you don’t really have to worry about that. I just wanted to apologize to Hinata-kun and that’s all there is to it.”

“I know. I know you care deeply about him, Komaeda-kun.”

Komaeda looked at the ceiling and heaved a withering sigh. He was hoping to ask her about Hinata but now he just felt it would be better not to. Maybe it was best to stop waiting for him.

“Why did you call, Koizumi-san?” he asked tiredly and the receiver was a bit too heavy in his hands.

“I…I just felt that I needed to tell you that he’s doing well.”

He sat up quickly. “Ah? Is he still in your care?”

“He left the tents a week after the earthquake. I don’t know where he’s living since he said his previous apartment collapsed.”

His stomach churned at the thought of what Hinata must have felt on seeing that. The Mirai Inn in ruins. “Is he still in Tokyo, then?”

“He visited me a few days ago to get checked so I suppose he is.”

“I see…that’s good.” His mind drifted towards Hinata’s parents in Kamakura. Things couldn’t be going well for them, he thought.

“He really doesn’t need much help with the crutches now. He’s doing fine on that end.”

There was something in her tone of voice that made her sound reluctant to speak. He barely caught it and it sent a shiver of anxiety through his body.

“’On that end’, you say?” he asked, concern creeping into his voice. “Is he not doing well?”

She didn’t speak for a while and he could imagine her deciding whether to disclose whatever it was she was hiding from him. He waited patiently for her to speak again, trying to calm his nerves in the meanwhile.

“Can I ask you something?” she finally said.

Komaeda gulped. “Of course.”

“Was Souda-kun an important friend of Hinata-kun’s?”  

Whatever Komaeda had been expecting, it wasn’t this. “Did he tell you about him?”

“No. He never talks much about anything at all.”

“That’s not how I remember Hinata-kun,” he said, feeling something deeply wrong about what Koizumi was trying to tell him. “But yes, Souda-kun was a good friend of ours. He was Hinata-kun’s best friend.”

“Ah.” she said as if she’d realized a grave truth. She didn’t say anything further.

Komaeda couldn’t fight the worry gnawing at the pit of his stomach. “Is…Is Hinata-kun still upset about him?”

It had been two months and he could understand if Hinata was still mourning the loss of his friend.

She took a deep breath. “Upset might be a light way to put it.”

“What does that mean, Koizumi-san?”

“He’s losing sleep over it. He doesn’t eat. I think he has nightmares.” She said in a matter of fact voice— just as a doctor would. Unfeeling but concerned. “I haven’t known him for very long but I don’t think he’s the same person he was when you left him, Komaeda-kun.”

Komaeda felt like he was going to be sick and he took a few seconds to grasp what she had just told him.

“Is this because of Souda-kun?” he asked, feeling as if he had some part in this too after everything he’d done. “I wish I could have been there for him.”

“I think Hinata-kun needs someone to talk to,” she said softly “He’s alone and he doesn’t trust anyone enough to really open up to them.”

Komaeda could tell just how much Koizumi cared about him from the way she spoke. It filled his chest with some form of relief and a brief pang of jealousy that he pushed away.

“You know I can’t call him,” he said. “If he doesn’t want to talk, I won’t bother him. All I can do is wait.”

“If I gave him the letter, do you think he’d take a chance?

Somehow Komaeda wasn’t surprised. “So you haven’t given it to him?”

“No. I couldn’t find the right opportunity to. And I wasn’t sure if it was what he needed.”

Komaeda quashed the feelings of guilt that crept into his heart. He didn’t deserve to feel sad over his actions. He’d done what he had to, at the time.

“I can imagine how he’d react if you gave it to him.”

“Do you still want me to?” she asked “I’ve already realized you only meant him well.”

He shrugged helplessly. He wanted to talk to Hinata so badly sometimes that it was all he could think of but he wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do. He’d decided there could be nothing more between them and prolonging that fate would just be destructive for the both of them.

“You can do with it whatever you like,” he sighed. “It’s not in my hands anymore.”

“Komaeda-kun, I don’t know what kind of a relationship you had with Hinata-kun,” she said and he wasn’t sure but he thought he could hear anger in her voice “But you’re still his friend, if nothing else. I think you should talk to him.”

“His friend…” he echoed. His chest felt hollow. “I just want him to be happy.”

“It’s not as hard as you make it sound,” she said, laughing slightly. “I hope you’ll come to understand that.”

“Will you continue to take care of him, Koizumi-san?” he asked, feeling that the conversation was reaching its end.

“I can only do so much, but I’m trying,” she heaved a sigh, and her voice crackled over the receiver. “I’ll give Hinata-kun the letter the next time I see him.”

Komaeda wordlessly nodded as she hung up, knowing she couldn’t see him. He put down the mouth and ear pieces back on the stand and took a deep breath, feeling more anxious than he had before the call. He could already imagine Hinata’s reaction to the letter and it wasn’t something he could smile about.

\---

_18 th December, 1924_

A year seemed like too short a time to spend with someone and watch them fade away. It didn’t feel real, as he stood next to his grieving mother and watched the funeral procession of his recently deceased grandfather. He’d died of heatstroke, the doctors had told him, and Komaeda had nodded once, unable to react.

Even now, with his mother and father both sitting together in their small living room, he couldn’t quite come to terms with what had happened. Another life taken away from him so swiftly and mercilessly that it almost felt like a joke. One played by some divine force that wanted to make its message clear to him.

_Death is all that’s written in your life, young one. You can only stand and watch as it takes everyone you care about, one by one. Did you really think you could change anything?_

“Nagito, are you alright?” his father asked and Komaeda startled, realizing he’d been lost in thought.

They were finally home after the funeral. After twenty-four hours, they would cremate his body. Turn him back to the dust from which he’d been made.

He sighed and placed a hand over his teacup, covering it so that the smoke wouldn’t rise anymore. “I’m fine. I think you should be more worried about mother.”

It was a mild jab but his father still flinched when he said it. His mother coughed and fidgeted nervously where she was sitting next to her husband on the floor cushions. The fan whirred noisily but even that didn’t do much to dispel the cold awkwardness that pervaded the room.

“I am sorry I have not been around to visit much,” his father said after a while. “With the company to run—”

“Ah I do wonder how the business is going,” Komaeda smiled, unapologetically fake. “Are the factories finally in order again?”

His father’s eyes narrowed. “Thanks to Yasuda-san’s help.”

“Yasuda-san is an agreeable man. I’m glad he’s aiding you in your pursuits again.”

Komaeda noted how subtly his father’s expression changed from awkward into simply annoyed. He felt a surge of pride at being able to do at least this.

He continued. “It wouldn’t hurt our potential assets if you took vacations like these every now and then. I wonder who’ll have to die for you to—”

“Nagito that’s enough!” her mother snapped, her voice still hoarse from crying a while ago. “Do _not_ talk to your father like that.”

He pressed his lips in a thin line and lowered his head. His face felt like burning. “I’m sorry.”

His mother’s glare vanished when her husband patted her shoulder. “It’s alright. It’s my fault.”

Komaeda didn’t feel any sense of vindication when he said it and he didn’t open his mouth to speak.

“I don’t mind, darling,” her mother said softly enough that Komaeda almost didn’t catch her words. “I know it’s hard for you to visit when I’m like this.”

“I wish you could come to Tokyo with me. Look at the wonderful house I made for us.”

She smiled thinly, entertaining wishes that she knew were impossible to fulfill. “When I’m better.”

They both knew it wasn’t a question of _when,_ but a question of _if_.But they chose not to mention it.

His father forced a smile. “I’m sure you’d love the ballroom. Remember how we used to dance when—”

Komaeda drowned out his father’s words in favor of looking outside the open door. The autumn leaves were scattered over the front of the patio and sparrows picked at them with their small, clawed feet.

It was such a small word. If.

But it made all the difference in the world.

\---

_23 rd March, 1924_

“Mother,” Komaeda asked, from where he was lying on the floor beside her. The warm summer air washed over their faces and he pushed back the sleeve of his cotton yukata and wiped the sweat from his brow. “Don’t you ever get mad at father for leaving?”

She looked at him and her cheeks were oddly flushed from the heat. It made her look younger somehow and Komaeda childishly wished it could always be summer if he could get to see her look like this—with some semblance of life within her.

She smiled. “What brought this on? Did you leave someone behind too, Nagito?”

He thought of the boy he was still waiting for and the letters and calls he never received.

“No…nothing of the sort. I was just curious.”

She laughed. “You’re very bad at lying. But I won’t judge you this time.”

“’This time’, huh?” he laughed with her and pulled the bowl of watermelons towards him.

He passed a piece to his mother and bit on one himself. The sweetness slid down his throat like soothing medicine and he realized he was almost happy today.

“But you didn’t answer my question,” he pointed out, pouting for emphasis. “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

“I just like teasing you, my sweet son,” she giggled. “You’re too excitable.”

“You’re doing it again!”

There was silence in the air while his mother smiled and looked up at the ceiling. He couldn’t tell what she saw there since all he could see was a ceiling fan that was in severe need of dusting, and the pigeon house that opened up into their veranda. Stray feathers still ended up in their part of the house sometimes and made his mother sneeze.

“I don’t think it’s a question of getting mad or not. I don’t really blame him for staying behind in Tokyo,” she said. “It was unavoidable.”

Komaeda frowned. “Your being sick didn’t mean he had to abandon you. He could have left his work to stay with you.”

“Who would have paid for my care then? And besides, your father is a softhearted man,” she laughed. “I don’t think he can stomach the thought of losing me.”

“That’s an oddly confident thing to say. How can you be so sure of that?”

He saw the twinkle in his mother’s eyes when he asked her that and he knew he wouldn’t get any answer from her now. It was that look, keen and knowing, that meant she had a secret she wouldn’t divest for any treasure in the world.

“You’ll find out when you’re older, my sweet little child.” She winked

“I really wish you’d stop calling me little,” he sighed, letting his mother ruffle his hair.

She pouted. “You’ll be little to me even when I’m fifty and you’re still unmarried.”

He stared at her. “That’s not a very motherly thing to say.”

“But I’m not wrong am I?” She said and popped another piece of watermelon into her mouth.

He tried imagining it—a life where he was married and maybe had kids, a smile on his lips and an arm around the woman he loved—and he frowned. It felt like a faraway thought that could happen to someone he knew, maybe, but not to himself.

“I guess your secret’s going to remain a secret then, huh?” he said, feeling a slight sting in his chest.

“Always one to lose hope so fast! It was a joke, you know.”

“I know.”

His mother paused to think. “I think you’ll understand one day.”

“Isn’t that what all adults say?” he asked, a smile playing at his lips.

She nodded. “That’s because once you understand, you’ll become an adult too.”

He hummed in reply and gave up the string of thought for now. He wasn’t sure he would ever become an adult when everything around him still felt so jumbled and alien. But he decided to take faith in his mother’s words for now.

\---

4th April, 1924

Komaeda felt someone tap his shoulder and he almost dropped his shopping bag in surprise. He turned around to see a boy his age and he swallowed when the boy smiled at him, as if he’d found his plaything for the day.

“Is that you Komaeda?” he asked in a singsong voice. He clearly knew it was him, just like Komaeda knew who he was. Kuwata, his old classmate

He tried to smile. “Good evening.”

“I didn’t think I’d see you around,” the boy frowned “Didn’t you leave for Tokyo?”

“I came back,” Komaeda vaguely answered “Mother was ill.”

Leon inclined his head to the side in disinterest “Wasn’t she always?”

Komaeda felt a sting at his words, noting how casually he’d said them. He probably didn’t mean to sound as uncaring as it did but that didn’t really make things better.

He took a step back, folding his arms across his chest. “She was better when I left. But she seems to have relapsed.”

“Ah that must suck,” he narrowed his eyes, finger in his ear—scratching “So you’re stuck caring for her?”

“I happen to enjoy it, Kuwata-kun.”

Kuwata laughed at that and his voice made Komaeda shudder. He still remembered that laugh and it always reminded him of the back of classrooms, empty seats and children staring at him. Kuwata was popular in class, he remembered, even though he couldn’t exactly see where his charm lay.

“Kind of like a guilty conscience thing?” he asked, frowning again “For ditching her like that before?”

“That’s not how families generally work, you know.”

Kuwata shrugged and scuffed his foot on the earth. The people around them didn’t seem to care that they were blocking an already narrow passage, but Komaeda tried stepping out of there way regardless. Kuwata continued to follow him as he walked away, hoping he would give up and leave. He didn’t feel like talking and the sight of his old classmate had just brought up memories he didn’t wish to remember.

The boy grabbed his elbow, trying to stop him. “You’ll be coming back to school then?”

Komaeda shook his hand from his grip but it felt like a vice, slowing him down. “I don’t think so.”

“Why’s that?”

He shrugged, trying to make his presence as small as possible and hoping he’d understand that he didn’t want to be here.

His classmate narrowed his eyes. “Eh? Are you avoiding me?”

It was obvious enough, he thought.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said curtly “I just have to get back home.”

“Oi, don’t just leave like that! I’m your friend aren’t I?”

“I don’t think you are,” he snapped, unable to keep his voice level. He didn’t mean to, but he didn’t exactly regret it either. “But it’s nice that you seem to think so.”

Kuwata was still staring in surprise and Komaeda wrenched his hand away, stepping away from him in quick strides. He turned back to look at him and sighed in relief when he saw that he wasn’t being followed anymore.

He was glad it was only Kuwata and not someone who would have actually intended all the hurtful things they said.

By the time he got home, his hands were shaking and he dropped the grocery bags in the kitchen, barely managing to keep holding them. His mother was waiting in the living room and she smiled at him in greeting, just like she always did.

“Did you get everything?” she asked.

He nodded, sitting down across from her and looking down. His face felt cold.

“Nagito?” she asked, voice laced with concern “Did something happen?”

He traced the mat with his finger. “I met an old classmate on the way home,”

“Oh,” she said and drew closer “Are you fine?”

Komaeda waved his hand dismissively. “He just wanted to know if I’d be going back to school.”

“And what did you tell him?”

“The same thing I’ve told you, mother,”

“Did he hurt you?” she asked, placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder “We can talk about it if you want to.”

He shook his head. Kuwata hadn’t meant to, at least, so it was fine.

“Let’s forget about that,” he said, clapping his hands together. “I brought flowers for you.”

His mother stared at him for a while, probably not happy about him changing topics but then she smiled and relented. Her cheeks dusted a light shade of pink and Komaeda smiled to himself at how happy the thought of decorating flowers always made her.

“Let’s decorate them in front of the entrance,” he suggested and his mother nodded in agreement, taking out the stems from the bag that Komaeda had brought them in.

He watched her work—sorting out the branches and humming a merry tune in the process— and felt his chest ache at the sight. His mother was happy, happier than he’d seen her in a while, and he wanted to smile and console himself with just this. Her health was all that mattered in the end, but he couldn’t help feeling as if he was just using it as an excuse to atone for something he’d done long past.

A whisper in his heart told him that despite his casual words, Kuwata had hit the nail right on the head.

\---

_26 th April, 1924_

The fan rotated slowly and its monotonous groans grated at Komaeda’s mind. He couldn’t even recall how long he’d been listening to the noise and he could only wonder how he’d been able to stand it before when it just made him want to grind his teeth and pull at his hair.

He felt trapped, like a prisoner in his own bedroom and the feeling constricted around his chest and his lungs until he felt as if he couldn’t breathe anymore.

He got up, nearly upsetting the jug of water that had been lying at his side and ran out of his room. His mother was reading a book and she smiled at him in surprise, clearly not used to seeing him out at this time.

They nodded to each other and Komaeda was thankful that she didn’t ask him where he was going as he left the house, quickly slipping on his sandals and rushing out. Maybe she had those days too, when she just wanted to leave, and that comforted him somewhat.

There was no place he had in mind but his feet kept moving, avoiding crowds and skipping up the steps in the marketplace. He didn’t know what came ahead of him but he was curious and the night air felt like a welcome change from the almost stale air in his house.

His breathing was labored as he finally paused atop a hilly terrace right at the end of their marketplace and he sighed, walking to the railing and putting his hands on the cold metal.

The entire city sprawled out underneath him and he took a deep breath, regarding the place with interest. He hadn’t imagined he’d be able to see such a sight, with the few arc lamps twinkling like stars and the lanterns that hung from houses, yellow like fireflies.

It was almost peaceful to be here like this, with no person around and only the sound of crickets keeping him company. It was a different kind of loneliness and although it didn’t bring him any relief, he felt less trapped. A minor reprieve.

The mountains loomed in the distance, and he wondered what lay beyond them. A map would be able to tell him the answers to all his questions but he knew he would never look at one. The simple fantasy of escaping to a place beyond them made his heart race in his chest and he leaned eagerly over the railings, hearing the dangerous groan of the metal as it pushed against his weight as if it was tired and wanted nothing more than to fall down, down to someplace far beyond.

Komaeda entertained that thought for a while, about what would happen if the railing did fall while he was still leaning and—almost in experiment— he tried leaning further. He could imagine it now, the winding rushing past his ears and the whistling in his ears, and the brief joy of being _free_.

He stepped back and smiled, and the railing remained intact. He lay down on the grass and picked at it, eyes drifting across the countless stars above him. The city below him.

It would have been such an easy way to escape, but the earth underneath him was steadying and warm like a mother’s embrace and he kept on smiling even if he felt nothing but a sense of defeat. He was still here, yet his presence matter not a jot.

And still, he remained in this world like a ghost drifting day after day like the fan in his room that refused to cease.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> urgh i was 4000% ready to postpone this chapter for a week or two because I had so much trouble writing a certain scene from this chapter sigh. i somehow forced myself to finish it but i honestly feel so tired from constantly working on this and the following parts (×_×;）im sorry for the minor delay in uploading this and i'll try to maintain schedule for as long as i can but i hope you'll be able to understand why sometimes it's very difficult for me to work on this and to keep with the schedule i promised  
> as always, thank you for reading! i hope you enjoyed the few glimpses of nikko and the time komaeda has spent there :>


	23. Anew

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As dew promises  
> New life to the thirsty plant,  
> So did your vow to me.  
> Yet the year has passed away,  
> And autumn has come again.  
> -Fujiwara no Mototoshi

_Tokyo_  
6 th May, 1924  
13th Year of the Taisho Era

Hinata wished he could have stayed mad for longer than the time it took for him to leave Koizumi’s house and get back home. The truth was that most of his anger had already died out as soon as the hot summer air hit his face.

He trudged dejectedly back to the inn, thoughts of Komaeda swirling in his head, as unwanted as they were painful. He didn’t want to think about him and he’d thought he was doing a good job at it. He didn’t have to think about him at all and his days would pass without much effort.

It was as if that one, crumpled up letter had set loose the block he’d purposefully set in his mind and his chest feel tight with emotions that he hadn’t felt in a long while.

Part of him was glad he didn’t have to read the letter anymore but at the same time he couldn’t push back the feeling that he should have at least given it a look. Whatever happened after that could have been dealt with then.

When he got back to the apartments, the first thing he noticed was that Usami was nowhere in sight. She usually spent most of her time sitting in the entrance hall, a small book in her hand. He could see a book lying abandoned on the table in the middle of the room but no sign of the woman who owned it.

“Usami!” he called out as he headed towards the halls. “You really shouldn’t leave the reception empty like that.”

He heard shuffling down the hall and he followed after the noise, wondering what the woman was up to. The place was empty as always and he wondered how that could be, given the abnormally low rent of the place. He’d chosen it because it was close to where he worked and because Usami was a kind woman.

Hinata found her pushing a wooden carton into one of the rooms down the corner of the hall and he frowned.

“What are you doing, Usami?” he asked, watching the woman huff as she pushed the box inside with some effort.

As she was about to answer, a person stepped out of the room and answered Hinata’s question for her.

“Ah—Matsuda-kun!” Usami exclaimed, stepping out of the way as he came out and regarded Hinata with a blank look.

“She was helping me with the luggage,” Matsuda said “Since there was no one else.”

Hinata didn’t know how to react and all he could do was stare, and then nod briefly. “If there’s anything else you need to bring in, I’ll help.”

Matsuda shrugged and jerked a thumb towards the room. “It’s all been taken care of.”

“I see…” he said, casting a questioning glance towards Usami. “I didn’t know you were moving in. I thought you’d left Tokyo.”

From what he’d heard from Kuzuryuu during the only time he’d talked to him—in prison—he’d thought Matsuda had run away after abandoning the Shinjinkai. Seeing him was an unwelcome sight and he couldn’t push back a slight feeling of irritation at seeing him the same day he’d gotten the letter from Komaeda.

It was probably coincidence, but he didn’t much appreciate it.

Matsuda pushed back a lock of hair behind his ear and looked at Hinata with the same air of nonchalance he always had. “I’ve been here and there. I’m looking for work.”

Usami watched helplessly as Hinata regarded him with a stony glare, suddenly feeling very tired. “I hope you get one then. After all you’ve done, I wonder if anyone would be willing to hire you.”

“H-Hinata-kun!” Usami exclaimed. “That’s not a very nice thing to say!”

He shrugged wordlessly, knowing he wouldn’t be able to get along with Matsuda, as much as Usami hoped he would.

Surprisingly, Matsuda snickered at that, looking at Hinata was something that almost looked like amusement. Hinata felt a surge of irritation and before it could develop into anything more, he stormed away and back to his room.

He wished he could be as far away from him as possible but, as luck would have it, they were on the same floor, only two doors away from each other.

\---

_9 th May, 1924_

It’s past midnight, Hinata’s brain noted as he lay on the floor, hands folded over his stomach. And I’m still not asleep.

Work hadn’t been exhausting enough, again. Maybe, he thought, he should look for another job.

It was routine habit to note this at least once, and the thought passed by like a stray cloud over the surface of the moon. The stars were out tonight, and from where he lay, he could count them if he tried hard enough.

One, two, three…four, five—stars forming a river of glittering bodies that twinkled and shone every night and provided Hinata with some company.

Slowly, his thoughts began drifting again, moving onto topics that Hinata tried to smother behind the layers and layers of other worries and anxieties that kept him running during the day. But despite it all, the night was something that lay him bare to himself.

He thought of Matsuda, his annoying sneer and that air of unaffected nonchalance he had. He’d never liked him when they had been students, and seeing him again had only brought back memories that he’d been trying to hide.

He was Komaeda’s roommate. Enoshima Junko’s lover. A member of the Shinjinkai. A coward who had abandoned the movement when it had needed him the most.

By all means a hateful person.

But something still kept Hinata from hating him and maybe that was the reason he felt so angry with himself lately. Every time he looked at him, he could only see a bit of the past reflected in the boy.

He wondered if Matsuda blamed him for not stopping Komaeda when he’d left.

He closed his eyes and saw colors swimming behind his eyelids. If he focused hard enough, he could see the pale image of a white-haired boy who smiled at him with all the love in the world.

Maybe Matsuda knew just how much of a coward he was, too. Just like him.

\---

_15 th May, 1924_

The group of burly men was sitting a few feet away from Hinata. From where he was sitting, perched atop a metal support, he could see them eating their packed bento lunches while they droned on about what happened in their day to day lives.

He wished he could cover his ears but their voices drilled their way into his head, unwanted and needlessly boisterous. He couldn’t pinpoint what exactly the cause was, but listening to them made him feel sick to the stomach and he ruefully chomped down on his radish, wishing he could go home.

He felt footsteps and then the silhouette of a person coming to sit down beside him.

“Eating alone doesn’t really sound like fun,” said Matsuda in his usual, calm manner.

Hinata turned to glare at him, wondering why in the world he’d endorsed him as a good worker to his manager. Of course, because Hinata was the one who’d said it, the manager had immediately hired him.

He still couldn’t understand what was going on in his head but he looked like he needed a job, if his haggard appearance had been anything to go by.

He turned his attention to his lunch, mindlessly stirring the rice with his chopstick. “I don’t like to talk as I eat.”

Matsuda raised an eyebrow. He didn’t have a lunch of his own, Hinata noticed. “Good manners.”

Hinata didn’t answer. Instead, he looked ahead to the bare construction area around them, and the narrow road that wound around the side. Despite the sun being at its apex, Hinata could spot groups of merchants and pedestrians milling in and out of the marketplace, most people carrying straw baskets to hold their things in.

A rickshaw passed by where Hinata sat, and he watched the teetering vehicle whizz by, wondering who the person inside was and where they must be going. He tried not to think of Matsuda sitting next to him, clearly hoping to chat.

He huffed, feeling eyes bore at the back of his head. “What do you want?”

Matsuda clearly hadn’t been expecting him to speak because he flinched, his eyes widening slightly.

“Ah…I was just—” he broke off and shrugged. “I didn’t want to sit with those men.”

“Why?” he asked, “Were they too loud for you?”

Matsuda swatted a fly that came and landed on his leg. “You could say that. They’re annoying.”

“I figured as much.”

“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m sitting with you, then?” he asked, leaning forward as he rested his chin on the palm of his hand. “You’re not very curious are you?”

“I don’t really care. I’m done eating anyway.” Hinata said and jumped off the support. His feet landed on the dusty earth and he packed his box back into the cloth it had been wrapped in.

Matsuda looked at him, and then at the group of men that was done with their food too. They wound up their mess and walked back to the bare skeleton of a house that they were working on.

Hinata ended up walking in the other direction—towards the market.

“Oi!” Matsuda called out, “Aren’t you going to work?”

Hinata couldn’t understand why Matsuda kept talking and the more he thought of work, the more he wanted to go back home and sleep. His eyes felt like burning and he blamed the brightness of his surroundings for it, but he knew it wasn’t the reason.

“I don’t feel like working,” he said when Matsuda ended up taking quick steps to follow after him.

“And that’s not bad? You might get into trouble if the manager finds out.” Matsuda was clearly testing him now. He could tell by the way his voice had an edge to it.

He stopped and looked back at his coworkers hauling bricks and carting cement to the worksite. He knew he should be there with them, spending his day building a house for some rich artisan who liked living near the market, and his stomach churned at the thought of skipping out on work.

And yet, at the same time he wanted nothing to do with it. At least not today.

“Skipping a day won’t kill anyone.” He shrugged, trying to push back the guilt as Matsuda sneered at him.

“I’ll tell them you’re sick.” he said, waving at him and Hinata narrowed his eyes.

“You’ll really do that?”

“It’s none of my business but you don’t exactly look like you want to work here.”

“It’s only for a day. I’ll be fine by tomorrow.”

Matsuda fixed him with a stare and Hinata fought the urge to look away. “This job…why do you do it when you could be doing something else?”

The same question again, he noted. Every person he met seemed to have the same thought in their mind.

_Why work at a construction site when he could be studying? Why not look for a better job?_

“I don’t know.” he pressed his lips together. “Why are _you_ here, Matsuda? I doubt you like being a manual worker.”

A flicker of surprise passed over Matsuda’s face so fast he barely registered it but it was gone in the blink of an eye and all he was left with was a look of irritation.

“I’m looking for someone,” he snapped “Believe me, I didn’t come all the way here just to watch you waste time by sulking at everything that happens to you.”

Hinata gaped at him, feeling a tight sting in his chest over Matsuda’s sudden defensiveness. “Huh? What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You heard me clearly the first time.” Matsuda crossed his arms over his chest. “Were you hoping for some pity?”

“And you? Were you hoping for someone to latch onto?” he countered, thinking of how he’d sounded almost desperate when he’d come to sit with him. “Isn’t that what you’re doing, Matsuda?”

He was just playing at a wild guess— wanting to enrage Matsuda, nothing more. But the boy’s face suddenly shut down, left with nothing but a stony emptiness.

“You’re disgusting.” He muttered, his chest heaving slightly when he looked at Hinata.

He was gone right after that, back to the workplace, and Hinata was left to stare, empty lunchbox in hand and a sick feeling in his chest.

He’d just bluffed, and it had the desired effect but Hinata couldn’t bring himself to feel any sense of satisfaction over it. Playing with a person’s sore spots had never been something he liked.

\---

_20 th May, 1924_

Hinata looked outside the window and saw Matsuda leave. The sun was already setting and most of the people in the streets were heading back to their homes, heads lowered.

This wasn’t the first time he’d caught Matsuda leaving in pursuit of god knows what. Or the second time. Or the third.

All Hinata could do was wonder, as he sat back down and tapped his finger against the tatami, about what the boy was up to.

He sighed and turned to his side, clutching his stomach as a wave of nausea hit him. At least Matsuda was doing _something_ instead of just lying idle in his room. He had things to do too but the more the thought about them, the more he wanted not to.

The only time he ever left his room nowadays was when he had work to do and even that wasn’t an easy feat when his entire body groaned in protest and his mind felt hazy, covered behind a thin veil.

He needed to talk to Koizumi soon, he reminded himself.

\---

_5 th June, 1924_

Hinata finally mustered all the courage he had and went to Koizumi’s apartment two weeks later. It was early in the morning; the sun had barely risen and when Koizumi slid open the door to her house, her eyes were small and puffy.

He raised a hand in greeting and managed to smile. “Good morning, Koizumi.”

“Hinata-kun?” she yawned, still rubbing her eyes “Why are you up so early?”

He scuffed his foot on the earth, making dust fly. “I wanted to talk to you. Can I come in?”

She nodded quickly, all signs of sleep forgotten as she led him into her living room. He’d only ever sat in the room allocated for her patients and looking at the room now, he was surprised to see that it was so much more distinctive than the other.

There were photographs lined across the wall, sepia colored and black and white images of people smiling and waving at the camera. He couldn’t tell if they were her patients of her relatives, or just people she happened to pass by, but their smiling faces made them feel all the more tangible, even frozen in time.

“These are lovely,” he told her as she came and sat down beside him, hands folded over her lap.

“Thank you. I like taking photographs sometimes,” she said, hiding her smile behind a curtain of red hair.

Her answer didn’t leave much room to beat about the bush and he doubted she was going to be patient while he dawdled.

He coughed and then took a deep breath. “I came to apologize for what I did that day. I shouldn’t have made you deal with that.”

“It’s my job you worry about you, Hinata-kun. I don’t think you have to apologize to me for that.”

“But it was wrong of me to get angry about it, you know,” he said, a dry laugh escaping him. “Kind of a childish reason to throw a tantrum, don’t you think?”

Her bright eyes met his and she raised an eyebrow. “It’s fine to raise a tantrum now and then, I think. It must feel good, after not feeling anything for so long, no?”

He shook his head. “I don’t know how I feel about it, Koizumi. I keep regretting everything I do.”

He thought of his argument with Matsuda, and then of the letter that he’d made Koizumi throw away. How he’d been constantly been stuck in a haze of wanting to abandon everything and wanting to cling desperately to it.

He just felt pathetic and tired, stuck in the past while everyone else continued to move forward.

Koizumi must have seen something on his face because she reached out a hand and placed it on Hinata’s. Hinata, for once, didn’t feel like pulling away. He’d almost forgotten how soft and warm a hand could be and he felt tears prickle in the back of his eyes.

“You’re not angry now, then?” she asked softly.

He shook his head. “No. No…I just feel exhausted.”

“Are you still upset about the letter?”

He silently nodded, not trusting his tongue to speak for him.

“Did you want to know what he wrote you?” her hand continued to softly stroke his palm.

“Now that I’m not mad at him anymore.” His voice was shaky but it didn’t sound too bad, he thought proudly. And his chest didn’t hurt when he thought of Komaeda.

“I don’t think you were ever mad at him, Hinata-kun,” she said. “You can’t stay mad at someone you cherish.”

Hinata raised his head to look at her and saw that she was smiling fondly at him. His chest hurt when he thought of Komaeda, and then of Koizumi. Was it that obvious that he still cared about him?

“Koizumi, why do I always make decisions that I end up regretting?” he asked, knowing it wasn’t directed at her. He didn’t think it was even about Komaeda anymore, at this point, but he didn’t tell her that.

“That’s just how life is,” she sighed “But I think you forget, Hinata-kun, that our regrets don’t define what happens to us in the future. We can still change that.”

He placed his head in his hands and closed his eyes. “I wish I could see things the way you do.”

“It’ll come back to you, eventually,” she said “I’m sure you weren’t always like this.”

He shrugged and didn’t answer her. He remembered a time when he could have smiled easily, and when his chest didn’t feel burdened by things he couldn’t see.

Koizumi retracted her hand and he could hear her standing up.

“Do you still want to talk to Komaeda-kun?” she asked suddenly.

Hinata looked up from his hands to see her waiting for his answer.

“I don’t know,” he answered honestly. “But I…I think I would have wanted to see the letter.”

“And if I told you I knew what the letter said, would you be mad at me?”

Hinata stared at her. “What? You read the letter?”

She looked away. “I—I had to see if Komaeda-kun was someone who could be trusted,” she said quickly. “I’m sorry.”

He flushed at the thought of Koizumi reading the letter but his mind immediately latched onto the other fact. “What did it say?” he asked her, his heart beating fast in his chest. “I want to know, Koizumi.”

She smiled and handed him a small piece of paper. He stared at the number scribbled on it and looked questioningly at Koizumi.

“It’s Komaeda-kun’s number. He said that if you ever wanted to talk, you could call.”

Hinata had trouble wrapping his mind around that idea. “Are you sure you read the letter correctly, Koizumi?”

“That’s all it said. And that’s what he told me too when he gave this to me,” she laughed. “I think he had a feeling you’d be angry.”

Hinata frowned, unable to really feel mad about Komaeda reading him like an open book once again. He sighed and shoved the paper in his pocket, feeling a curious tingle in his chest at the thought of using it.

 “I hope you’re not mad at me?” Koizumi asked, a look of concern on her face.

Hinata shook his head. “Somehow, I think I got duped by both you and him,” he smiled “But I can’t bring myself to be angry.”

Koizumi flushed suddenly and Hinata wondered if he’d said something wrong.

“I’m glad,” she said “I hope you’ll give Komaeda-kun a chance.”

He thought about it, and found himself nodding. Perhaps second chances were what all it took to start moving forward again, one step at a time.  

\---

_10 th June, 1924_

“…Hello?” the voice on other end of the line was soft and hesitant.

Hinata pressed the mouthpiece close to his lips and the earpiece to his ear, wishing he could hear more.

“Ah…Please speak up won’t you?” he said again and it sounded almost like a desperate plea the way he said it. Hinata wished he wouldn’t talk like that—it made his heart clench in his stomach with a sense of longing he couldn’t quite place.

“U-um it’s me,” he finally spoke “Hinata.”

The other end was quiet for a while and Hinata waited, with bated breath for the boy to react or say something. His heart thudded softly in his chest and he reminded himself that it was just because of nervousness.

“Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, the word leaving his mouth in a sigh “You finally called.”

“Have you been waiting?” he asked, wishing he could leave out the spite from his voice.

Hinata imagined he heard Komaeda laugh. “There’s nothing much in my life besides waiting, Hinata-kun,” he said with a hint of sadness. “I’m glad you called.”

Hinata nodded wordlessly and sat down on the uncomfortable chair made of bamboo. “I wasn’t sure I wanted to call.”

“I don’t blame you,” he sighed again and Hinata almost felt it pass over him like a cold breeze. He shook his head. “Did you want to talk?”

He almost tried to deny it, but then thought the better of it and relented. “I’ve been thinking about it for a while now. I think it’s best for both of us to talk.”

“How have you been, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked as if keeping it in was too much for him. “I hope you’ve been well.”

“I’m…I’m fine. And you?”

“As well as I could hope to be,” he said slowly and Hinata wished he could see his face to know what he was hiding behind that cheerful voice of his.

“That’s good.”

There was silence, and then he heard Komaeda heave a lamenting sigh. Something in Hinata’s stomach twisted at the sound, fearing what he’d say next.

“I’m sorry about Souda-kun. He didn’t—” he took a shaky breath “It was sudden. I still don’t think I’ve come to terms with it.”

At the mention of their long departed friend, Hinata expected the usual surge of panic that seized his chest but he felt nothing of the sort. It stung a little but that was all there was—a reminder of loss and a reminder of loneliness.

“I don’t think I can come to terms with it either,” he said, realizing that saying it to Komaeda didn’t hurt as much as he thought it would. “But I don’t think I want to talk about it. At least right now.”

He could almost see Komaeda’s frown as he said those words, and then the look of understanding that would come with it. “It’s difficult isn’t it? Talking about loss.”

Hinata heaved a shuddering sigh. “Yeah…” he nodded “Yeah.”

“It gets easier,” he said with a touch of sadness “Believe me.”

Hinata looked at his hands and then his fingernails, worn to the skin and jagged edges. “You say that like you have experience.”

The line was quiet again and Hinata dropped his hand to his thigh, realizing he’d said something wrong.

Komaeda laughed but it was shaky. “I guess you could say that, Hinata-kun. You’re not the only one who had to lose someone dear to them.”

“…I’m sorry. I didn’t know.”

“I know. It’s not easy talking about it.”

“Can I ask who it was?”

“My grandfather,” Komaeda said and his voice was distant as if he was lost in thought. “I think it’s been a few months. I can’t really tell, honestly.”

Hinata was silent and his chest ached with a feeling of understanding. He’d spent all this time avoiding any thought of Komaeda that it hadn’t even crossed his mind to think of what the boy had been going through in Nikko.

Loss wasn’t something that came to a person singularly. It was merciless and indiscriminate.

The realization made a lump catch in Hinata’s throat and he looked up, focusing on the gas lamp’s white glow. It hurt his eyes but the pain kept his eyes dry.

“I’m sorry,” he said again “It must have been hard.”

“When you say it, Hinata-kun, it doesn’t really hurt.” Komaeda spoke but his voice was barely above a whisper.

Hinata nodded. “It was the same for me…”

 “I’m sorry too, Hinata-kun. I hope you’ll understand.”

Hinata didn’t need to ask what the boy was talking about. When he closed his eyes he could still imagine Komaeda’s back as he walked away from the bridge, his white hair burning yellow in the faint light of the rising sun.

“It’s alright. I’m not angry anymore,” he said, and every part of him knew it was the truth. “You had to go to your mother.”

“But I still had to leave you alone…when you needed someone to be by your side.”

“I have other people,” he lied “You don’t have to worry about me.”

There was a moment of surprised silence, and then he heard a faint laugh on the other end. “But I do, anyway.”

“I don’t think I can understand why you had to leave me. But I know it was inevitable.”

“That’s all I could hope for,” he said. And then “Thank you.”

Hinata found himself smiling a little at the word. It wasn’t what he’d expected to hear, but he somehow felt light when he did.

“…What does this mean for us, then? Are we still friends?” he asked, letting vulnerability creep into his voice. He told himself it was just this once.

“If you want that, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said but they both knew it meant more than that.

_I’m tired of being alone._

“I’d like that…” he said and leaned his head against the wall, cheek touching its cold surface.

“I missed you, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, the words slipping out of his mouth without meaning to.

Hinata closed his eyes and pushed back the aching in his chest enough to speak. “Me too.”

There was silence on the other end then, and Hinata imagined Komaeda sitting in his room—in a house he didn’t know—the phone clutched tight between his fingers as if putting it down now would ruin something of the moment between them. Hinata held his own end just like that, and waited.

“Goodnight, Hinata-kun.” Komaeda said finally and broke the spell.

Hinata sighed and wished him the same, his tired mind still grasping blindly for that strange calm in his chest.

He felt it again as we went back to his room and lay in bed with the sheets pulled up to his chin. He smiled as his mind drifted to sleep—painless and welcoming for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im crying because i didnt pay much attention to the poem i chose for this chapter and now im just laughing a lot because "As dew promises New life to the thirsty plant,"  
> hinata really is a smol thirsty sunflower. but at least he's getting some nourishment now...!  
> as always, thank you for reading! i hope you liked this chapter. things are finally moving on again, somewhat even though there's still a lot of avoidance on both their ends :0  
> we'll be slowly working our way towards the resolution that leads us to the scene in the prologue soon and im kinda nervous ;A;


	24. Yearn

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Through an unsleeping night   
> Longingly I pass the hours,   
> While the day's dawn lags.   
> And now the bedroom shutters   
> Are keeping light and life from me  
> -The Monk Shun'e

_Ginza, Tokyo_  
15th August, 1924  
_13th Year of the Taisho Era_

The owner of the clockwork room raised a curious eyebrow as he regarded Matsuda. He was standing in the middle of the room, suddenly questioning why he’d entered in the first place and the discordant tick tock of the clocks around him meshed into an unsettling rhythm.

He found himself shaking his head.

“Sorry…I wasn’t thinking when I came in,” he said, not sure why he had to explain. The owner didn’t seem to mind his presence at all.

He cast a wary glance at the grandfather clocks and the ones displayed all over the room, the pocket watches hanging from a hook on the wall. They were intricate and fascinating, and if he hadn’t been filled with the gnawing sense that he didn’t have much time of his own, he might have bought one.

“Stay as long as you like.” The man smiled but Matsuda just shook his head.

The tick tock was noisy and everything about the room unsettled him. He pushed open the glass doors of the shop and stepped out into the streets of Ginza 3-chome.

The night air was warm and sweet, the lingering smell of something like candy wafting in the air as he strolled aimlessly through the streets. People milled around him, chatting and laughing in high spirits—the night air was contagious in Ginza, and he felt that given the right circumstances, he could have found himself joining in the rambunctious crowd.

The night was too bright, for all intents and purposes, as if all the energy of the city was focused dead centre in this district. It was improbable for him to find anyone here but the vibrant energy and the blatant pomposity of the place made him feel as if this might be the right place.

He found himself stepping into a teahouse and was immediately greeted by the sounds of soft jazz music streaming through the radio placed on the counter. He sat down on a table at the far end of the shop and ordered a cup of Oolong tea.

While he was waiting, his eyes lazily scanned the room and the people seated on the round, high-legged tables. Most of them were young couples and working men, and he skimmed through them the fastest.

He stopped to look at the group of girls seated together a few tables away from him. They were all young, maybe in their early twenties and dressed in tight knee length dresses that highlighted their petite frames. Most of them had short, curled hair that barely reached their shoulders and a few of them wore hats.

He scoffed at the sight of so many Ginza girls. Why was he even looking at them when he knew they wouldn’t bring up any useful results?

He only looked up from the table when the tea arrived and suddenly his hands started shaking enough to make some of it spill onto his hands.

“Are you alright sir?” the waitress spoke in a panic, trying to wipe the tea where it had spilled on the table. “I’m so sorry!”

He shook his head curtly and calmed his racing heartbeat. “It’s fine. You don’t need to bring a new cup.”

The waitress didn’t look convinced and she pushed a strand of hair behind her ear. Hair a light shade of blonde. Matsuda swallowed and bit back the aching disappointment in his chest.

Their faces were nothing alike.

“And your hands, sir? Should I bring you a towel or some medi—”

“No need,” he snapped and gestured for her to leave. His voice must have been loud because he noticed the other customers staring at him.

The eyes of the young group of women bore into him and when he turned his attention to them, he caught a few of them winking at him. He heaved a sigh and grabbed his half empty cup of tea, wishing he could drown any thoughts of the woman he was looking for somewhere in the swirling liquid.

It had already been half a year since he’d started looking for her and not a day went by when he didn’t think his search was fruitless. Looking for Enoshima Junko when she didn’t want to be found was like finding a pearl in an oyster. Not something that he expected to do in his lifetime.

He finished his tea, drowned out his disappointment and exhaustion along with the liquid and left the teahouse. And yet, even after he did, his eyes still scanned every person in the crowd.

Maybe one day he’d get lucky.

\---

_9 th September, 1924_

Hinata slid open the door to his room and frowned at the sight of two middle aged men standing at his doorway. He’d assumed it was Usami, by the way the door had been knocked on, but clearly he had been wrong.

“Can I help you with something?” he asked, putting on a smile.

They stepped into his room without invitation and nodded. One of them, with hair barely left on his head, cast a cursory glance at his room and wrinkled his nose at the sight of the mess. Hinata flushed, because it had been a while since he’d mustered up the energy to clean his room.

“I wasn’t expecting visitors,” he said, cautiously, “May I ask who—?”

“We’re from Kibougamine,” said the other one as he tapped his cane on the floor. “We need to ask you a few things, Hinata-kun.”

The mention of the school’s name set something cold and uncomfortable in the pit of his stomach but he nodded, waving them over to sit on the cushions. He pushed aside some of his clothes and sat down on the floor.

The men remained standing.

“Is it true that you were friends with one Souda Kazuichi?”

He nodded quietly, hoping that it would be answer enough.

“And did you know of his involvement with the Shinjinkai? That he was the one who designed arms for them?”

He closed his eyes and shook his head. “No. I didn’t have a clue.”

The balding one raised his eyebrow. “Is that really true? He was your roommate and yet you say you didn’t know?”

“What’s this got to do with anything?” Hinata asked, voice trembling. “It’s all in the past.”

“We need to know in order to shut down the Shinjinkai once and for all.”

 “ _Huh_? Shut them down?” Hinata couldn’t keep his voice down as he spoke. “They’ve been dead and buried since the—the earthquake happened.”

He hated the way his voice caught at the word even now. His hands were shaking but the men didn’t seem to notice. Their eyes were cold on Hinata—judging him probably, for his lack of cooperation. He didn’t have much to tell them anyway.

One of them crouched down so that he was face level with Hinata. He smiled. “This doesn’t seem to be working but we want you to cooperate, Hinata-kun,” he said softly “Don’t you want to go back to Kibougamine again? Without any hindrances in your academic path?”

The words barely registered in his mind past the thought of Kibougamine and the wreckage it was now laid in. The last he’d seen it, the grounds where the school had once stood were covered in a layer of snow and debris.

He shook his head. “Go back…? There’s nothing to go back to.”

“We’re working to change that. If things go well, reconstruction will be complete by the end of next year,” The man with thinning hair said, waving his hands excitedly “And for that, we need to make sure that there are no remnants of the Shinjinkai remaining.”

“You didn’t need to come to me for such a simple thing. I can tell you there won’t be any more of that,” Hinata spoke, without thinking much. His mind felt like it was in a far off place. “The leaders already quit.”

“Matsuda Yasuke is still in Tokyo. I think you would know where he is?”

“If you came looking for him, I don’t think I’m the right person to talk to. His room’s two doors down from mine.”

They nodded in unison. “We know that. But we need to ask _you_ , about it. Is he or is he not working for the Shinjinkai’s revival?”

Hinata thought of the nights Matsuda would go off wandering the streets of Tokyo in search of something Hinata wasn’t aware of. Maybe he was meeting Enoshima. Maybe these men were right and he was planning on reviving the movement but, no matter how much he pondered over it, it didn’t sit well with him.

He shrugged. “You might be right about that. I don’t know him well enough to tell you anything that you don’t already know,” he sighed, “I’m sorry.”

The bespectacled one pursed his lips. “It’s a pity you don’t have much to tell us,” he said, but his tone implied that Hinata wasn’t being entirely honest with them. Hinata didn’t blame them. “But if you ever feel like coming around, you’re welcome to tell us anything.”

Hinata nodded wordlessly and stood up to show them the door. They handed him a card and Hinata took it, smiling graciously. As soon as they left, Hinata had already crumpled the card between his hands.

\---

_20 th September, 1924_

“Did I tell you about the old lady who lives in the house next to ours?” Komaeda asked conspiratorially. Hinata smiled to himself and closed his eyes, leaning against the wall and letting his voice envelope him.

He already knew the story of the old lady who lived next door to Komaeda from the letters he sent him, but he decided to humor him.

“Nah. I don’t think I’ve heard that one,” he said.

Komaeda giggled. “Well she’s always going around visiting the houses in our neighborhood, Hinata-kun. Everyone sort of thinks of her as their grandmother.”

Hinata hummed in response.

“Well, a few days ago I was sitting in my room and mother was asleep so I decided to read a book,” he said. “And the old lady just walked into the house and sat down next to me. She started calling me her grandson and it was a little odd, really.”

“Did you just talk to her?” he asked, because he didn’t remember what happened after that. He didn’t think Komaeda ever got around to elaborating much on it.

“I did. She kept talking about how I’d make a great doctor one day. It was a little awkward.” He sighed. “I’m not a very good actor, it seems.”

“Well if she thought you were her grandson, then she probably doesn’t even remember him that well. Old people are like that, aren’t they?”

Komaeda hummed in response. “It’s not easy pretending to walk in someone else’s shoes. I don’t think I’d ever want to be a doctor, for one.”

“Really?”

“You would think I’d want to. With my mother being sick all the time.” he managed to laugh at that and Hinata played along. “At least she’s better these days.”

“I’m sure you’re taking really good care of her. She must be happy.”

The other end was silent for a while and Hinata counted the seconds it would take for him to respond this time. The gaps between their conversations were always sudden and empty, but never uncomfortable.

“So…did anything new happen on your end, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda finally asked and Hinata smiled because he had a feeling it would end up in this direction.

He thought of the people from Kibougamine and he was tempted to tell Komaeda about it but he stopped himself.

“Usami’s started rescuing cats,” he said instead because it was the first thing that came to his mind. “She gives them to people who can take care of them.”

Komaeda laughed, breathless and light. “Did you get one too, Hinata-kun?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think I’d take very good care of it. But I do think I want one.”

“That’s great! It would give you something to care for,” he said, “Pets are always nice companions.”

“Usami’s been nagging me about it,” he sighed “Even if I didn’t want to, I think she’d force one onto me anyway.”

“She’s just looking out for you in her own way, isn’t she?”

“I guess. That’s about all there is to tell, really.”

“Has Matsuda-kun been well?” Komaeda asked, “Is he still skipping work?”

“Yeah, sometimes he just up and leaves right in the middle,” he said, frowning because he’d done the same thing one more than one occasion. “He’s usually just sleeping under a tree by the park.”

“Scandalous.”

“Lazy, really. He doesn’t even care that I have to work in his place every time,” Hinata huffed. “I had to work overtime yesterday.”

“Matsuda-kun’s always been like that,” he laughed. “It’s amazing that you manage to put up with him.”

“Well you did too. It’s not that big a deal.”

“I guess you’re right.” Komaeda mused.

Hinata was tempted to ask him about the school again—it seemed like the perfect opportunity to—but he found himself lacking the words all of a sudden. It was always like that with the things that mattered.

“I think you should get that cat, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said as an afterthought and he sounded tired. Maybe he could tell there was something unsaid on the tip of Hinata’s tongue, but like always, he never pried and Hinata didn’t speak.

“You’re right,” he said “I guess I’ll ask Usami tomorrow.”

“I think it’d be a nice change for you.”

“Yeah.”

Hinata could tell they’d lapse into silence again and he quickly spoke up, not wanting to end the call so soon. “Hey, Komaeda?”

“Yes, Hinata-kun?”

“You’ve already told me that story before. The one about the old lady.”

“Why didn’t you say so earlier, Hinata-kun?” he yelled, embarrassment clear in his voice. “You could have saved me some grief.”

“I liked that story,” he said, “I think I’d want to meet that old lady too.”

“I bet she’d start gloating about how great a grandson you are,” Komaeda laughed, “So kind and generous.”

“H-Hey! Stop teasing me!”

“Who said I was teasing, Hinata-kun?”

\---

_Nikko_  
_5 th October, 1924_

Komaeda was surprised to hear the bubbling laughter in Hinata’s voice.

“Komaeda! Guess what? I got a cat.”

“Oh! Do you like it?” he asked, brimming with curiosity. “Male or female?”

“I think it’s a female? Uh…how do you know for sure?” Hinata asked and Komaeda couldn’t help the laugh that escaped him.

“I think you should ask Usami-san that. I’m not a cat expert either.”

“Okay, I guess I’ll ask her,” he said, suddenly a little deflated. “Well, it’s white. Tiny black patches on its back and tail.”

“Sounds really cute. I hope it’s friendly?” He asked, imagining Hinata sitting in his room with a cat resting on his lap. The thought didn’t seem alien at all and he smiled to himself, knowing the cat was probably in good hands.

“She—uh can I call it a she for now because it looks like one?—she’s really friendly,” Hinata asked and Komaeda could almost hear him gush with happiness. His chest felt warm and tingly at the thought. “Usami asked me to pick out any of the cats and this one just jumped onto my lap the moment I went up to her.”

“That’s awfully cute. Animals must like you, Hinata-kun.”

“I doubt it. This is the first one I’ve actually played with.”

“Do tell me more,” he prompted, easing back into his pillow and smiling when Hinata began to tell him about the cat, and for once, he could tell the happiness in his voice was genuine.

\---

_12 th October, 1924_

Hinata could feel Matsuda’s eyes on his back again but he tried to ignore it as he put his shirt back on and washed his hands in the faucet at the far corner of the park. When he returned to get his things, he was still looking at him as if he had something to say.

Hinata ignored him and started walking back towards home, knowing the boy would follow. They always went home together nowadays, even if the walk back wasn’t exactly comfortable. They hardly ever talked, and when they did, there wasn’t much of substance to say.

Something about Matsuda just clicked Hinata in a very, very uncomfortable way yet he could never pinpoint what exactly it was.

He glanced back and saw him walking just a few steps behind. Hinata quickly averted his eyes and turned left, not really looking around him. The way back was a little longer than it needed to be, and he wasn’t sure why Matsuda followed him when he knew the other route. The one that passed by the school.

“Oi, Hinata.” Matsuda said after a while, and Hinata looked up, closed his eyes and sighed.

“What?”

“I heard from Usami that some folks from Kibougamine showed up a few days ago,” he said, walking in step with Hinata, now.

“Yeah,” he shrugged “They were asking me about the Shinjinkai. I told them I didn’t know much.”

“Not much of a lie there, I suppose.” Matsuda hummed. “Did they ask about me?”

He huffed. “Obviously. With your involvement in it, it’d be dumb of them to not ask.”

Matsuda was silent for a while and Hinata continued to walk, not really caring much for a reply. He could tell the other boy was thinking, and his footsteps slowed just the slightest.

“Did you rat me out, then?” he asked “I’m sure you would’ve loved to do that.”

“Believe me, Matsuda, I would have told them if there was anything to tell,” he said, pinching the bridge of his nose. His face was cold from the sweat that had dried there and it made his head feel heavy. “But I don’t really care much about that anymore. The Shinjinkai wasn’t exactly wrong about what it did.”

Matsuda quirked an eyebrow, clearly amused. “Oh? Does that mean you don’t want to go back to school anymore?”

“I have a job, so it’s fine,” he said, quickly turning right and avoiding the people who walked past him. Matsuda didn’t seem to care when people bumped into him though. “I need the money.”

It was a lie and Matsuda knew it. He’d already earned enough money to help his parents with the reconstruction of their house and there really wasn’t much need for him to work anymore. He wasn’t sure why he did it even now, but it certainly didn’t escape Matsuda’s notice, he was sure.

“What’s with the sudden sympathy with the Shinjinkai then?” Matsuda asked, a teasing edge to his voice. “Don’t tell me it’s because of Souda?”

Hinata turned around and glared at him. “What’s Souda got to do with this?” he could tell his voice was rising again and he tried to calm himself.

Deep breaths, he told himself. One, two, three. Just like Koizumi had instructed.

“I hope you don’t think it’ll make the memory of your friend sweeter this way,” Matsuda went on and Hinata clenched his fists by his side, feeling his pulse quicken. “It won’t honor his death and it won’t change what happe—”

Hinata turned around and grabbed Matsuda by the front of his collar. “Shut up!” he yelled “This has got _nothing_ do with it!”

Matsuda stood, unmoving, clearly not affected by the fact that they were in the middle of a street and a few people were staring at them. Hinata figured it was just as well.

He sneered, and Hinata’s grip on his collar tightened. “Ah, there you go again. Getting mad,” he said. “You’re avoiding things like always.”

“I know that already,” he spat out, feeling darkness creep around the edges of his vision. Breathing slowly didn’t help and his heart clenched in his chest, constricting painfully. “So just—just leave me alone.”

Hinata tried to look at Matsuda’s face but his entire body felt weak and his hands were clammy where they were tightly holding onto Matsuda’s clothes—more like a lifeline now, than a gesture of his anger. He closed his eyes in resignation, hoping the people around them would look away. He didn’t want them to see how badly his body was shaking and how everything around him felt ready to swallow him whole.

“O-Oi, Hinata,” Matsuda’s muffled voice split through his haze and Hinata thought he responded with something but he couldn’t be sure.

His vision swam and he breathed deeply again, taking in the grimy walls around him and the lines of clothing hanging somewhere above him. He wasn’t sure how he got here, but there was no one else around except Matsuda.

He closed his eyes and counted backwards until his breathing returned to normal.

Matsuda’s hand landed on his shoulder and Hinata flinched at the touch. It was gone in a split second and he heard the boy mutter an apology.

“You have anxiety,” Matsuda said slowly, as if he was talking to a child, and Hinata felt the odd urge to laugh.

“…Been reading up have you?” he spoke, and his voice was hoarse.

“My mother had it too,” he said “I’m sorry.”

Hinata groaned and moved a little to stand up. The ground was sticky underneath him and his hands still felt cold and clammy. He still felt a little dizzy but he managed to stand up, and thanked the forces above that it hadn’t been as bad this time.

Matsuda, still looking a little like a scorned child, stood in front of him, hand outstretched just in case he needed it. Hinata ignored the gesture and walked out of the cramped alley they were standing in. He needed to get home, fast.

“…Thanks,” he said after a while, “For…what you did.”

“It’s my fault it happened, why are you thanking me?” Matsuda asked, irritation clear in his voice. “I didn’t know it was this bad for you…”

Hinata felt tired, like his chest had been pounded on with a sledgehammer and it didn’t help when all he could hear in his voice was pity.

“You don’t know a lot of things, Matsuda,” he said. “Stop pretending we’re alike just because it makes you feel better.”

\---

_29 th October, 1924_

There were nights when Hinata couldn’t sleep and there were nights when he could. Sometimes, reading a book or counting the stars helped while away the time, but on certain days, the bareness and the cracked, white walls of his room did nothing but make him feel isolated and trapped, as if he was a bird with clipped wings, stuck in a cage with no exit.

He ended up walking that night; his body tired and exhausted from what had happened earlier, yet his mind remained painfully awake. The night was a little cold and he realized, with alarm, that the moon was out. The last full moon had felt like a few days ago but the glowing white orb clearly meant a cycle had already passed without his notice.

Sometimes, it was almost as if the day and night had melded into one and he would go on floating aimlessly, losing count of how much time had passed in his haze.

He heaved a sigh, rubbing his tired eyes once as he walked without purpose through the streets. As far as he could see, there was no one in sight and the arc lamps lining the streets flickered dimly as if they were uncertain of staying on when there was no one to need them.

The shops had already closed down and the usual clamor and hustle had died out to leave an eerily dead city, save for the crickets that occasionally chirped to mark their presence.

Hinata suddenly wished he had someone to talk to and the silence ate at him as he passed by a _sake_ house. He was almost tempted to go in but thought better of it and turned around, going back home.

It was the same whether he was inside or outside and the urge to talk to someone got stronger the closer he got to the inn. Usami was already asleep and the reception was dimly lit by a single gas lamp that hung above the table.

Hinata walked into the room at the back where she kept the phone. He picked up and dialed the number that had already been etched into his mind.

The bell rang for a while, and Hinata almost put the phone back down, knowing no one would be awake at his hour of the night.

He heard a click on the other end and he flinched just a little before relaxing in his chair.

“Hello…?” Komaeda answered in a tired voice.

Hinata felt a little sorry for waking him up. “It’s me, Komaeda.”

“Hinata-kun?” he asked, much more awake now. “…Is it one of those days again?”

“I wanted to talk to someone,” he said, “You’re the only one I could think of.”

“Is there something on your mind, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata wondered if there was. He’d just called him without thinking of it, but now that he knew the boy was waiting for him to speak, all he could think of was how much he wanted to ask him about the school and what was going on.

“Did you know Kibougamine’s going to be reconstructed soon?”

There was a lapse before Komaeda answered. “I—I didn’t. How did you find out?”

“They came to ask me about the Shinjinkai,” he laughed dryly. “They think they’ll act up again.”

“I doubt that’s going to happen. Everyone’s moved on from that.”

Hinata agreed with him on that. Everyone had moved on to problems that were far greater than that. The school was no longer a priority—not even for Hinata.

“That’s what I told them. But I don’t think they believed me.”

“That’s rude.”

Hinata hummed in agreement. Komaeda didn’t sound particularly enthusiastic as he spoke and Hinata guessed it was because he’d brought up talk about the school and a part of him wondered if Komaeda would ever come back to Tokyo once—if—the school opened up again.

“Hey…Komaeda?” he asked hesitantly and his throat felt dry.

“What is it, Hinata-kun?”

“Do you think—if the school opens again next year— do you think you’ll come back?” he said it in a rush, wanting to get the words out that had been plaguing his thoughts for far longer than he’d wanted.

Komaeda was silent on the other end and Hinata wondered if he’d made a mistake asking him that.

He heard an intake of breath, and then a sigh. “I don’t know,” he said “I don’t think I’d want to.”

Hinata couldn’t bring it in himself to be disappointed but the weight in his chest didn’t feel any lighter. “Is it because of the Shinjinkai…?”

“No, Hinata-kun, that has nothing to do with this,” Komaeda said and he sounded almost irritated for once. “I’ve left it behind me now. It doesn’t matter if the school’s going to open or not.”

Hinata could tell that wasn’t all there was to it but he knew Komaeda enough to know he was drawing a line.

No talking about the past, especially not the time they spent together. No point in hoping for anything other than these phone calls.

He pressed the receiver a little close to his ear and closed his eyes. “I wish we didn’t have to tiptoe around each other, Komaeda.”

“I’m not avoiding you, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said in a soft voice. “I just don’t think it changes anything if I come back or not.”

Hinata idly traced his finger over the arm of his chair. “That’s not all I meant, you know. But it’s alright for now. I know you’re still worried for your mother.”

“I’m glad you can understand,” he said “I’m sorry for not being there—”

“No” he shook his head, knowing Komaeda was going to apologize again. “No. It’s fine.”

Komaeda took some time to speak. “Hinata-kun…can I tell you something?”

“What is it?”

“I know you don’t like talking about the past just as much as me,” he said carefully “But if there’s one thing I truly don’t regret in the time I spent there, it’s meeting you.”

Hinata’s breath caught in his throat but his chest didn’t ache with anything but a familiar sense of longing. He pushed it aside, wishing Komaeda wasn’t so painfully honest at night.

“I’m glad we met too,” he said, and then, with some hesitation; “I hope this isn’t a goodbye, Komaeda.”

Komaeda seemed startled and he heard a sharp intake of breath before he laughed. “I don’t plan on saying goodbye. I think you and I have already had too many of those.”

Hinata smiled to himself, wondering just how much of it was true this time. A goodbye didn’t feel imminent, but it was still a faraway possibility that he didn’t want to think about.

Nighttime was meant for sleeping—not being terrified of losing someone you’d already lost.

Silence crept between them again and Hinata knew it was time to put the phone down and say goodnight but he couldn’t bring himself to. He could hear Komaeda’s shallow breathing on the other end and his own shifted in rhythm just enough to match his.

The quiet didn’t hide the sounds of Hinata’s heartbeat, and if he tried, he could pretend to feel Komaeda’s too, right under the tips of his fingers.

“Sleepy yet?” Komaeda asked him, his own voice tired.

Hinata yawned. “Not yet.”

“Soon then,”

There was no way to tell for sure but nodded anyway. “I think so….”

“I’ll stay with you until then.” Komaeda said, even though his voice was already laced with sleep “Sometimes being with someone helps.”

“I think the call would drop before that, Komaeda.”

“Until the call drops then,” he said, a trace of laughter in his voice “I’ll be here.”

Hinata wanted to say that it already enough, with Komaeda’s voice thrumming in his chest, but he didn’t say it. A part of him wished he could be in Nikko if only so that he could be with the boy again and see him with his own eyes.

He wished Komaeda’s _I’ll be here_ meant more than just hearing his voice on the other end of the line, still miles and miles away from him.

He was already starting to feel as if he was forgetting what he looked like—the smallest details that he’d etched into his mind seemed like blurred out photographs and only the sound of Komaeda’s voice remained.

“I want to see you, Komaeda,” he said just as the line clicked dead and a mechanical ring replaced the silence between them.

He wondered if Komaeda had heard him when he’d said it but he knew not to think it over to much. The next time he would call, they’d pretend he hadn’t said it, and everything would be back to normal again—taking a shot at being friends.

Hinata just wished, with all his heart, that one day he’d be able to stop thinking of Komaeda with so much longing that it felt like a heavy weight in his chest and maybe, just maybe, there would come a day when they could talk without feeling as if the past was trying to wedge its way to the forefront. But for now, the line that they’d drawn was enough to keep it behind them.

The night passed and the moon vanished and under it all, Hinata fell asleep to the fading voice of a boy he still longed for.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> urgh the next chapter might be updated a wee bit (really) late because I'm still having hell with it TT I hope I'll be able to get motivated enough to do it soon!! I hope you liked this one though hahaha I really had a lot of fun writing most of it especially the last scene with the phone conversation. It's one of those scenes that I'd imagined in depth since the conception of the story and it's SUCH A REWARDING FEELING to be able to finally write it ^O^   
> Hope you enjoyed it!


	25. Panacea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is there any way   
> Except by a messenger   
> To send these words to you?   
> If I could, I'd come to you   
> To say goodbye forever.   
> -Fujiwara no Michimasa

_Nikko_  
_25 th February, 1925_  
_14 th Year of the Taisho Era_

The letter came in the morning post while Komaeda was helping his mother rearrange things in her room. He opened the door and took the single letter from the mailman—it was surprising to get one so early in the month, since his father usually just sent them one at the end of each month.

He stared at the brown envelope curiously, wondering what was inside as he walked back to his mother. Something told him he should have opened it in the privacy of his own room, but ignoring that instinct, he slid open the door to his mother’s room and sat down on the mat next to her.

“A letter?” she asked “Is it for you?”

Komaeda noted his named printed at the top in sticky black ink. “Seems like it.”

She didn’t say further as he carefully ripped the top half open and took out the contents from inside. It was a bulky letter with a bunch of documents that all bore the same insignia on them.

The crest of Kibougamine Imperial High school.

 “It’s from school,” he said uselessly, knowing his mother already seen it.

“They want you to go back,” she said, taking the letter from his hands and reading it in a rush “You didn’t tell me they’d already begun the reconstruction.”

He flushed. “I didn’t feel like I had to tell you. It doesn’t concern us anyway.”

“What does that mean, Nagito?” he could tell her hands were shaking. She was worrying again. “Are you telling me you don’t want to go back?”

“I still need time to think about it, mother,” he said quickly, hoping he sounded convincing enough “I don’t really want to study anymore, you know. It’s fine if I stay here and take care of you.”

His mother didn’t look like she believed him, but she didn’t say anything. He knew she was still thinking about it, how her son refused to go back and how he still wanted to care for her even when her health was much better.

“Your father wants you to go back too,” she said in a softer voice “You can honor that, can’t you?”

Komaeda looked down and felt his cheeks sting. He didn’t like thinking about it, but the more he did, the more he felt as if he was a failure of a son.

“It’s fine if I inherit his factories, isn’t it? I don’t need to go back to Kibougamine for it.”

“Why is it so hard for you to face your father?” she asked “He just wants the best for you. Just like me.”

Komaeda stood up and shook his head “It’s alright, mother. I don’t know what to say to him and I doubt he particularly cares about wanting me to come back.”

“Is this about the matter with Yasuda-san? It’s already been rectified. You can go back—I want you to.”

Komaeda thought about it for the smallest fraction of a second, how he could go back to Tokyo and live in the Mirai Inn, walk the sakura lined roads on his way to school. Hinata would walk alongside him—

He took a deep breath and stuffed the contents of the letter back in the envelope.

“I’ll think about it,” he said in a softer voice, turning to smile at his mother as he left the room.

The look on his mother’s face was enough to tell him that she knew. He wouldn’t think about it and he wouldn’t go back. There was nothing to think about.

All that was left was to tell Hinata the same.

\---  
  
_Tokyo  
6 th March, 1925_

Matsuda found him sitting in the lounge, the phone clutched tightly between his fingers. Hinata sighed and put it back on the table as he turned to regard him.

He had an odd look on his face and Hinata didn’t like it one bit.

“Calling Komaeda?” he asked.

Hinata cast a cautious glance at the phone, and then at the boy. “How did you know?”

He shrugged. “I just had a feeling. I’ve seen you using the phone sometimes, so I guessed it must be him.”

Hinata stayed silent, partly in anger over how easily he’d guessed, and partly because he had nothing to say to refuse it. He felt a sense of shame that he couldn’t quite place and he looked at Matsuda, knowing he had more to say.

“You’re not even going to deny it?” Matsuda looked disappointed “After all your talk of avoiding the past and not speaking about it, you sure are eager to call Komaeda every night huh?”

“There’s no point in denying it. He’s a friend of mine and I enjoy talking to him.”

When Matsuda smiled at that, it was clear he didn’t believe him. “So he’s the only exception to your rules?”

“There are no rules,” Hinata stood up to leave. Komaeda hadn’t answered his calls again, and talking to Matsuda only made the burden on his mind worse. “Why are you prying anyway?”

Matsuda grabbed him by the elbow, rooting him to the spot. “I just want to know the reason. Why do you still call him? I thought you hated him.”

Hinata’s stomach lurched. “Why would I hate him?”

“You didn’t stop him when he left,” Matsuda had a strange look on his face now, somewhere between curious and apologetic “Why?”

“There’s no way I could have stopped him,” he looked away “I didn’t have the right to, anyway.”

Matsuda frowned “Did you even try?”

“What does it matter to you? It’s all in the past. He’s not coming back and I’m trying to move on.”

“Liar. You’re still clinging to the past,” Matsuda’s grip on his arm loosened slightly “Hoping for him to come back, calling him and talking to him.”

Hinata thought he had a right to be angry, but he only felt sorry for Matsuda as he said that. He was reminded of the times he spent wandering the streets of Tokyo, looking for someone who didn’t want to be found.

“I’m not the only who’s clinging to the past,” he said, shaking free from his grip. He made no move to leave, though. “I know you’re still looking for Enoshima. Don’t even try to deny it, Matsuda.”

Matsuda looked stricken, as if he’d been caught off guard. He took a step back. “This has nothing to do with it.”

“It doesn’t?” Hinata said “You still look for her every night and even now the memory of her makes you want to meet her, doesn’t it?”

He felt a little as if he wished for the same thing, but Matsuda already knew about that, probably.

“I know there’s no going back to how things were,” Matsuda said, his voice low. “I’m not going to foolishly hope for it like you do.”

“You’re no better than me, Matsuda. Stop pretending you are.”

Matsuda’s chest heaved slightly, and Hinata felt no sense of victory as he said it. They were both the same in this aspect, and seeing him make no move to deny it only confirmed it.

“Komaeda doesn’t call anymore?” Matsuda asked after a while, sounding tired.

Hinata shook his head. “He sent me a letter,” he said, not sure why he wanted to tell him that “He won’t come back to school. I don’t think he’s going to call again, either.”

Matsuda nodded as if his suspicions had been confirmed. “You’ll still go? To Kibougamine.”

“I don’t know,” he sighed, slumping against the wall and tapping his finger against it “I don’t have to study in reserve anymore and I’ll be able to finish my studies. I should be happy.”

“But you’re not,” Matsuda smiled a little and it was almost welcoming for once “Is it because Komaeda’s not coming back?”

Hinata shrugged. He was only ever part of the reason but he couldn’t deny that going back to school without him would have felt wrong. Whenever he thought about it, the possible future that was so close to his reach, he always felt as if there was a block in his heart that stopped him from feeling happy.

All he could think of was how wrong it would be to go back to the place that had been nothing but rubble and debris a while ago. There were so many students who wouldn’t be coming back, and it felt a little as if he’d cheated them of their lives, living on and taking the fruit of all their efforts for himself. The only reason he’d be studying in the main course was because of them.

Matsuda must have noticed something on his face because he sighed. “You really need to stop over thinking it,” he said irritably “If you don’t want to go, then don’t.”

Hinata laughed dryly. “You already knew it was a lie,” he said, feeling a little guilty at the thought “I’ll go back some day,”

“But not right now?”

Hinata shook his head. “I’ll give it some more thought,” he said. Maybe one day. “You’ve already decided to go back, haven’t you?”

“It’s a surprise they didn’t expel me,” Matsuda smiled ruefully as he spoke. “I’ll go back,”

“Even if Enoshima wouldn’t want you to?”

A shadow passed over Matsuda’s face but it was gone in a second. “She isn’t around to tell me not to, anymore. I’m going.”

Hinata noted how he sounded a little shaky as he said it, but he didn’t point it out. He felt a little jealous of him for making his decision so easily. All Hinata could feel was how flighty he was for doubting in himself so much when all he’d wanted in his life had been handed to him in a thick, white envelope already.

\---

_18 th March, 1925_

Of course, Hinata’s parents rejoiced when they heard about Kibougamine’s reconstruction. Their eyes lit up with joy and they hugged him, shoulders shaking with the same happiness that Hinata wished he could feel. His father clapped him on the back once as he sat down in their new home, taking a cursory look around and feeling immensely relieved that his parents weren’t in any sort of trouble anymore. Things were looking up—but then, why wasn’t he happy?

“I’m so happy for you, Hajime,” his mother said “You’re so close to graduating. This is wonderful!”

Hinata smiled sheepishly. “It’s just the last semester. I don’t have to study in the reserve either.”

“All that moping was useless in the end, wasn’t it?” his father laughed, his voice booming loudly.

Hinata tried mimicking but it didn’t work, he realized. His throat felt dry as he thought about telling them how he really felt—he was sure they wouldn’t be mad at him, but he couldn’t bring himself to disappoint them either. They’d always wanted him to go back, even when things had been so difficult for them.

“I’m sorry,” he said, voice shaking “I feel like a horrible son.”

His parents frowned, and the silence was thick with confusion. He could hear the waves crashing behind them, the birds pecking at their rooftop with their beaks. He heaved a sigh.

“I—I know I should be happy about this but I’m not,” he said, wishing he could have stayed quiet about this. They didn’t need to know. “Just the thought of going back makes me feel sick.”

Hinata’s mother gasped, raising her hand to cover he mouth. He felt his insides turn cold as he looked at them two of them sitting across from him and he lowered his eyes.

“Hajime,” his father began uncertainly “Why do you feel like this? Is it because we haven’t been able to help you—”

Hinata shook his head desperately. “No! You know that’s not it. You’ve been so supportive, and the money isn’t even a problem!” he hated himself for feeling like this. Of course his parents would be the first ones to blame themselves. “I just—the idea of going back, it scares me.”

“You said you were fine now,” his mother said, “Was that a lie, Hajime?”

Hinata flushed. “I didn’t want you two to worry about me.”

“You could have told us what was bothering you instead of keeping it a secret,” his father sighed “We worry about you, you know.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“If—if you think it’s too early for you to go back then why don’t you take a break?” he suggested. Hinata’s mother nodded as well “Until you can feel better about it all.”

Hinata stared at his parents. “Are you serious? You don’t mind at all?”

“As long as you’re happy, it doesn’t matter,” Hinata’s mother said, eyes shining with tears. She looked so sad and Hinata’s heart clenched in his chest. “It’s been so long since I’ve seen you smile.”

Hinata felt guilty and he almost wanted to smile at her just to tell her he was alright, but he felt all the strength leave his body as he nodded.

“I’m a horrible son,” he said again “All I’ve ever wanted was to work hard so I could help you guys out. I know you imagined a great future for me but all I’ve ever done is disappoint you.”

He could feel himself shaking and he clenched his fists on impulse, opening and closing them until his breath would come lighter. It didn’t help much, but he could at least face his parents and the look of concern on their faces.

“You’ve never disappointed us,” his mother gently said “I wish you’d stop hating yourself for all of this, my dear.”

His mother’s words should have consoled him somewhat, but the urge to cry only worsened the more he thought about them.  

“Why don’t you take a breather from your job? It’s wearing you out,” his father suggested, coming to sit beside him on the creaky, wooden sofa “Go out and relax in the mountains?”

“The mountains?” Hinata asked, wanting to laugh at the thought. The mountains, where Komaeda lived. “Are you serious?”

“I don’t see why not,” he pouted “Thinking about it might help.”

“He’s right, you know,” his mother added. “It might be for the best.”

Hinata looked down at his hands and fought back the tears that threatened to fall. He wished someone would blame him for his selfishness, but all he got was blinding love instead. And he wondered why it was, that the same love that was supposed to free him only felt like a burden that he couldn’t bear.

\---

_1 st April, 1925_

Nekomaru struggled to jump out of Hinata’s hands and he tried, in vain, to keep her from scratching his hands. He felt a twinge of sadness as he looked at the cat he’d taken care of for barely a few months and gotten so used to living with. She had grown attached to him, and Hinata felt like she was his partner now, a friend that he kept with him in his room most of the time for fear of losing her in the wilderness of the city.

“It’s alright, Nekomaru-chan,” he whispered soothingly, bringing her face close to his “It’s just a few months at the most! And then I’ll be back to live with you!”

He wasn’t sure he meant it, but he doubted he’d leave her for long. As he walked down the stairs, the cat clung to his shoulder, claws digging into the fabric of his clothing as if she knew what he intended to do.

Usami was sitting at the reception, fingers tapping the table as she regarded Hinata with a puzzled look. She sat upright and coughed.

“Hinata-kun!” she exclaimed “Has Nekomaru-chan been bothering you?”

Hinata shook his head. “Not at all. She’s the best friend I could have had.”

“Ah? Then are you taking her for a walk?”

“Would it be alright if you took care of her for a few months, Usami?” he asked sheepishly, pulling his cat away from him to hand over to her “I—I’m leaving town for a while so I need someone to care for her.”

Usami took the cat from him and stroked her fur. Thankfully, his cat didn’t seem all too bothered to have someone else petting her.

“Where are you going, Hinata-kun?” she asked.

He flushed and gestured vaguely with his hands. “Uh, I’m thinking about going to Nikko,” he said, thinking of the city that he hadn’t even visited yet, heart already hammering in some kind of anticipation “My parents think it would be a good idea for me to relax a bit.”

It was only partly the truth, and he could tell that Usami knew that as well. She looked at him carefully and smiled.

“If that’s what they want then there’s no point in denying it, right?” she said with a laugh. Hinata sighed and smiled back, glad that she didn’t pry. “I hope you’ll find happiness there.”

He swallowed. “Thank you for everything, Usami,” he said “You’ve been so kind to me.”

Usami looked surprised and then her cheeks flushed “You’re saying that like you have no intention of coming back! It makes me sad.”

“I’ll come back,” Hinata said with a smile “I just wanted to tell you how I felt.”

“Well don’t take too long up in the mountains, alright? I’ll miss you a lot, you know. So will Nekomaru-chan”

Hinata nodded politely and waved to her as he went back to his room to get his bags. The train was set to arrive at four, and he still had a few hours to check up on a few things.

\---

He wasn’t sure he was going to meet with Koizumi until he took the tickets and shoved them into his pocket. He had to talk to her before he left—she was his friend and he had to tell her what he intended, if no one else.

She smiled as she opened the door to her house, just as puzzled as she usually was when he came by unannounced. Her eyes darted to the bags in his hand as he stepped inside her house without invitation, but she didn’t immediately ask him about them.

They sat down in the living room and Hinata took the time to look at the photographs again. There were always new additions on the wall every time he visited and it was a fun way to pass the time as she hurried to make tea.

When she came back, she set the cups in front of them and came to join Hinata, sitting on the cushion next to him. He wondered if it was a habit she had developed working as a doctor, to sit so closely to someone she wasn’t exactly related to. He didn’t mind though since he always found her warm presence comforting.

He shuffled uncomfortably and looked at the bags he’d set beside him, clear signs that he’d come to tell Koizumi about a departure she wasn’t aware of.

“How have you been, Hinata-kun?” she asked in an uncharacteristically small voice. “You haven’t visited in a few weeks.”

“I’m alright. I was busy with work so I couldn’t visit,” he said, and then: “I got a letter from Kibougamine.”

“Really? Are you going back then?” she cast a cautious glance at the bags and then back at Hinata “This is wonderful news.”

“I’m not sure I’m going back yet,” he said cautiously “I keep thinking I don’t deserve to.”

“Is this about Souda-kun? Or—” she flushed as if she’d remembered something.

“Komaeda isn’t coming back,” he said, guessing what she’d been thinking “I should be relieved but I’m not. I thought it’d be easier without him here but even so, I can’t think about wanting to go back.”

Koizumi’s hand landed softly over Hinata’s. “Is that why you’re leaving?”

He flushed. “My parents think I need to get away from the city for a while,” he said with a laugh “It’s funny—they suggested I go to Nikko and I jumped at the chance.”

“That’s not a bad thing, Hinata-kun,” Koizumi said softly “It’s a beautiful place. You’ll be able to get your mind off things.”

“Komaeda lives there.”

“Oh—” Koizumi’s hand paused where it had been patting his gently with her fingers “I had no idea.”

Hinata saw the look on her face, disbelief and worry clear on her face and it made him want to laugh because it was such a foolish idea, to go to the same place where he lived. He wondered why he kept doing this.

“Matsuda’s right,” he said, lowering his head “I keep clinging to the past, don’t I?”

“Haven’t you been talking to Komaeda-kun? You were so happy the last time I saw you.”

“He stopped calling. I don’t think he wants to make things more complicated,” he said and his voice shook just a little “And it makes me so angry that he’d just break things off like that. Again.”

Koizumi laughed. “So you’re going then, aren’t you?” she asked “To talk to him about it?”

“I don’t know. I just don’t want _this_ ,” he sighed in defeat “I don’t know what to do, Koizumi.”

Koizumi was quiet for a while and Hinata suddenly felt apprehensive of what she’d say. He’d never talked about Komaeda at length, and just opening up about his feelings made him feel exposed, vulnerable. But he knew Koizumi would never hate him for that.

She had an odd look on her face as she spoke, and Hinata almost thought she looked sad. “Do you love him, Hinata-kun?” she asked “Even now?”

The question caught him off guard and he flushed, the air around him suddenly felt unbearably hot and Koizumi’s face was a little too close to his. He blinked, and tried looking away but her eyes bore an intensity that it made it hard to do so.

“I—” he hadn’t thought about it until now, and suddenly being confronted about it, he had no idea what to say. But the uneven beat of his heart told him what he felt anyway “I try not to think about it.”

“What does that mean? You wouldn’t be going to Nikko if you didn’t hold the same feelings for him even now,”

“I don’t want to think about that anymore, Koizumi,” he said as her hand gently cupped his face “It’s already over and we’re just friends.”

Koizumi pursed her lips. “Then you’d be fine with anyone being in his place?”

Hinata tried to shrug it off but he could tell Koizumi’s eyes were on him, regarding him with a look of vulnerability that he hadn’t ever seen on her face before. He knew that look but he couldn’t bring himself to move away as her hand continued to rest on his cheek, rooting him to the spot as she kissed him.

The touch barely lasted a few seconds and Hinata felt his heart clench and unclench in his chest so painfully that it was hard for him to breathe. He was aware of her femininely soft lips and the faint smell of flowers he didn’t know the name of. All he could think, hands idle at his side, was how badly he wished he could have kissed her back.

When she moved away, her hand was no longer on his cheek and her face was turned to the side, away from him, cheeks flushed red as her hair.

“K-Koizumi?” he wondered why his voice broke as he said her name.

Koizumi smiled sadly and looked at him with tears in her eyes. “You’re not the one who’s supposed to be crying, Hinata-kun,” she said, trying to feign cheerfulness “Isn’t that unfair?”

Hinata felt inconsolably sad as he looked at her, a woman he cared about so much, a woman he could almost imagine falling in love with had their circumstances been different. A what if sitting right in front of him, wiping away a tear from Hinata’s cheek.

“I’m so sorry, Koizumi,” he lowered his head so he wouldn’t have to face her “It’s always, always the same.”

“You were thinking about him, weren’t you?” she asked and now she smiled.

He wished he could deny it, but he knew Koizumi wouldn’t have been happy with such an answer so instead, he nodded.

“Then you already know what to do, right? You’ll go to him,” she said. “I hope you’ll find your answer there, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata let her take his hand once and squeeze it, and he tried his best to smile.

“I wish it could have been you, Koizumi.” He knew he meant it.

Koizumi punched his arm and smiled, and it was both beautiful and sad. Hinata’s chest ached as he thought of the tickets resting in his pocket.

“I wish it could have been me, too.”

\---

The waves crashed and swirled and Matsuda watched with only half his attention as he sat by the sea, eyes searching for nothing. On the horizon, the sun continued to sink, casting the evening in orange and yellow but the thought only made him think of the flowers on a kimono that he’d once unraveled with his fingers.

Hinata must have already left by now, he thought in a corner of his mind, back to Komaeda. He wanted to laugh at him, clinging to the vestiges of the past even if nothing was left of them.

He sighed and got up from the platform he’d been sitting on, stuffed his hands in his pocket and walked away. If he tried hard enough, he could almost smell the dying notes of jasmine still hanging in the air.

He was no better than him, in the end.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter gave me so much hell and i think i wrote and rewrote it so many times that i practically gave up on it at one point? luckily tho life hasn't exactly been Great for me lately and things got incredibly hard to deal with today so i ended up putting the entire day to just write. i guess it does work wonderfully as a means of escapism, for me and i feel a little better now i think  
> _(:3」∠)_ I got the chapter finished too so that's a plus!  
> things will get better one day im sure but it does get hard to handle sometimes. if this chapter was gloomy, blame my mood please!  
> Anyway! there some level of optimism here, i guess? part two of the story is done with and here's to the start of the last phase of the story! I'm sure you're all deprived of komahina at this point but not much wait left ヾ(≧∇≦*)ゝ  
> I actually thought about the hinata/koizumi conversation a lot. the kiss was a scene that i had imagined since pretty early on in the story but i kept wondering if adding it was a good idea or not. in the end as i started writing this scene i just felt like it was the Right thing to do? koizumi is the strongest contender for a perfect wife and if i wasn't writing a komahina fic im very sure he would have chosen to be with her, the ideal japanese wife :( hinata always did imagine his future of studying in kibougamine, graduating and then marrying a lovely young lady like her, but in the end reality is far more painful to deal with, isn't it? I hope i got that across well!  
> Thank you for reading!


	26. Dovetail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Though we are parted,  
> If on Mount Inaba's peak  
> I should hear the sound  
> Of the pine trees growing there,  
> I'll come back again to you.  
> -Ariwara no Yukihira

_Nikko_  
1st April, 1925  
_14_ _th_ _year of the Taisho Era_

Komaeda woke up with an odd feeling dwelling in his chest. He yawned and wiped the sleep from his eyes, his body aching in protest as he tried to get up. He’d been feeling lethargic lately and he knew it wasn’t simply because he had been overworking himself.

He could already feel his thoughts winding back in the direction they always used to take when he woke up feeling like this. He knew it would only make him want to lie in his futon all day, body curled in onto itself and his thoughts straying until he had no control over them.

He washed his face with cold water and felt a little better. The sun was just about to rise and he peeped into his mother’s room to check on her as he did every few hours. She was sleeping steadily, he noted from the rise and fall of her chest. Her breathing had been better lately and he’d let her open the window to let the fresh breeze in.

He smelt flowers blooming right outside and he smiled to himself, wondering if his amateur attempts at planting flowers for his mother had finally paid off. He could see a few clusters of lavender colored flowers in the terrace and he decided to pluck them after he had made breakfast.

Every day was the same routine and Komaeda tried, as happily as he could, to get most of the work done before his mother woke up. The rice was already steaming and the soup was about to come to a boil. The eggs, he realized with some regret, still needed practice. He’d burnt off the edges as usual and he hoped his mother wouldn’t mind.

While he busied himself with work, his mind began to wander again back to the letter that was lying somewhere underneath his bookshelf, and he thought idly of how he would have liked to spend his last year at Kibougamine if he had decided to return. He knew it was best for him to be in Nikko—it was useless thinking about it, but it only made his chest ache with yearning.

He turned his attention to the dust settling on the counter and the windowsill, and wrinkled his nose because he’d forgotten to wipe them the day before. He still had things to attend to and wasting his time on daydreaming would get him nowhere.

Komaeda felt a heavy weight rest on his shoulder and he flinched, dropping the ball of rice that he had been shaping with his fingers. He calmed his racing heart and gave his mother a begrudging smile, knowing full well that she had been teasing him.

“Up so early again, mother?” he asked, picking up the sticky rice from the floor “I told you, you don’t have to get up from bed until you have something to eat.”

His mother pouted. “I just wanted to see you make breakfast. It makes me happy.”

Komaeda tried for a smile. “Is that so? I guess it’s alright for you to watch for today then,” he said “But I think you should get a chair to sit on or you’ll get tired.”

“You worry too much, Nagito. I can handle this much now and you know that.”

Komaeda realized that his mother sounded a little irritated so he nodded quickly. “Is there anything you’d like me to buy from the market today?” he asked instead “I heard there’s a sale on the fish.”

She patted his head. “I’d like some for dinner, I think.”

Komaeda smiled and busied himself in making preparations for breakfast as he had been doing before his mother had arrived. It felt odd to be taking care of the house and making food—and he wondered distantly if that’s what he’d always been destined to do. Taking care of his mother was something he truly loved, but it did make him feel a little useless to know that he wasn’t of much help to her besides the simple things that he could do at home.

“Are you thinking of something again, Nagito?” he heard his mother ask after a while and he flinched, almost forgetting her presence. He realized that the partly shaped onigiri was still in his hands and the rice was getting cold.

“It’s nothing. I was just thinking of going out right after breakfast,” he said. “Wouldn’t want to get caught in a long queue, you know.”

At this, she fixed him with a long, hard look and Komaeda found himself looking away out of some odd feelings of guilt. She sighed and took the rice from Komaeda’s hands.

“Let me do this,” she said in a gentle voice “It’s not good to strain yourself so much, Nagito. I know you’re resentful of the life you have here.”

Komaeda flushed because he hadn’t expected his mother to talk about this so early in the morning. “That’s not it—I don’t resent being here at all!” he said, hands still paused halfway as if in preparation of making the rice balls that he was so hopeless at shaping. “Please stop saying it like you’re a burden to me.”

She smiled at that, not really looking at him. “I know you don’t think like that, my dear. But it does make it difficult to live with a son who is only half here.”

 _Half here_. He rolled around the words in his mind until he realized what she was trying to say. He flushed again, and found himself unable to stand in the kitchen any longer.

Putting on a strained smile and knowing full well that his mother could see right through him, he gestured vaguely towards the door. “I think I’ll go buy fish while you make the onigiri, is that alright?” he asked, trying desperately to sound lighthearted “Take care of yourself.”

She nodded— clearly disappointed that Komaeda had decided to run away instead of talking to her about what was bothering him. He knew there would come a time when he would have to tell her about the uncertain weight in his chest—the thoughts of Tokyo and the fleeting wish to be with people he could have called friends—but for now he knew that such thoughts would only trouble her.

\---

Komaeda regretted running out of the house without much thought. He’d worn the slippers that were almost ready to break and his foot hurt from slowly dragging it across the road without putting too much strain on it. He was sure there wasn’t much money in his wallet either and he counted the coins and notes, hoping it would be enough to buy at least a little of the fish.

There was already a small crowd gathering in the market place and he pushed past the people milling in and out from the streets. He could see the fisherman’s shop a few stalls away and he wrinkled his nose at the putrid smell that entered his nose in a sudden, cruel whiff. He imagined Hinata hadn’t much liked the smell of fish either and then caught himself before he could picture the boy working alongside his father, hauling it out from the boats that they owned.

He heaved a dejected sigh and joined the small queue of people that were here for the same purpose as him. His foot itched and he ached to go home, already tired of being outside in so much noise caused by so many people that he hardly knew.

Thankfully, the money was enough to get the fish he needed and he took the plastic bag graciously, glad that it didn’t stink as much as he had imagined. He took careful steps back out of the central marketplace and paid unnecessary attention to the way his feet worked as he moved and how the bag in his fingers swished to and fro, to and fro in a monotonous rhythm. He almost felt dazed, and he wondered why that was. He felt as if he would float off if he didn’t root himself by looking at his feet, and he closed his eyes to steady himself.

The odd feeling in his chest was back again, like an anchor that was dragging its weight over his insides, and he found it hard to breathe. His cheeks prickled with warmth and he realized that he almost felt like fainting by the time he was out in the open of his neighborhood and the air was clear again.

He could see a young man standing in the middle of the road, a bag that was stuffed to bursting resting by his side. He looked confused about where to go and Komaeda almost called out to him to help out, but then he lowered his hand before he made a fool of himself and got called off for trying to butt into someone else’s business.

He sighed and took another dejected step towards his home, not sure why he couldn’t keep his eyes away from the young stranger whose back was the only thing that was visible to him. Something in the way his hair was cut and the cowlick that stood at end seemed familiar to him and he ruefully smiled to himself for hopelessly looking for things that purposefully resembled another boy he knew.

And then, the stranger shifted just a little and scratched the back of his head in a way that was so familiar to him that he almost forgot how to breathe. His fingers curled in the same way as Hinata’s used to, and his hair parted under them in the same way.

“Hinata-kun…?” he found himself calling out even before his mind could fully comprehend what he was seeing.

It was almost like a dream and he wondered if he’d passed out on the road on the way back instead because nothing else could explain the surety with which he could tell that it was him.

The boy turned around just then and Komaeda really did forget to breathe, knowing that the bag that he’d been holding onto was slipping from between his fingers as fast as the boy was walking towards him.

He thought Hinata said something about how he still looked the same, but his mind could only register the sight of the boy and the bright smile on his lips. There was nothing but static in his ears and he tried to clear his mind but it was no use when he couldn’t even make sense of what was happening to him.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he tried to move back but his nearly broken sandals refused to let him do what he wanted. He almost stumbled as Hinata came forward and wrapped his arms around his waist, so naturally that it made Komaeda return the gesture without a single thought.

His heart stammered and he felt himself burying his face in Hinata’s chest, taking in his scent and letting the warmth flood into his body along with the dizzying happiness that he was only just starting feel.

Hinata was here, he realized, _in Nikko_. He gingerly placed his hands on Hinata’s back and felt happiness radiate from every inch of his body, acutely aware of how he still felt the same when he touched him. Firm and steady but stronger somehow. He wondered if it was just because he’d been imagining it all along and that never did hold up to what reality was.

He pulled back suddenly, and saw the disappointment on Hinata’s face when he tried to lower his eyes and look away from him. His face felt hot and he fixed his eyes on the grocery bag that was lying unceremoniously between them, abandoned.

Now that they were finally looking at each other, all of Komaeda’s instincts started screaming at him to run, and he wished he could instead of having to stand here in the middle of the street with nothing to say to him. All he could feel was shame and a sense of guilt for making Hinata come all the way here—for what exactly, he didn’t know. But he knew that he wouldn’t be able to give him anything that he hoped for.

“What are you doing here, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked shakily “You’re not supposed to be here.”

Hinata smiled in the way he used to, but something about his smile seemed just a little skewed. It didn’t reach his eyes and he thought of what Koizumi had told him—he wondered how much of it was true even now. “It’s not the same without you.”

He thought of his mother, still waiting for him in their house and he thought of the house in Tokyo that Hinata had abandoned to come here.

He looked at him again and saw the look of childish expectation that he had in his eyes and the thought of hurting him further made his heart feel like withering.

He knew there was no way to fix things so he did the only thing that made sense at the time. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath and lied.

\---

They were sitting in Hinata’s house now, Komaeda on the cushions and Hinata at the ledge of his window, the book still held in his hand. They had argued, but it was mostly one-sided and Komaeda’s anger had vanished the minute he’d caught him by the collar—to Hinata’s surprise—and yelled at him.

It never made him happy to show his anger to anyone, least of all Hinata. It had been a fleeting emotion, and he didn’t truly think he’d ever been mad at Hinata for coming all the way to Nikko. School hadn’t started yet, and he did understand that Hinata needed the money. But coming here, to the same neighborhood where he lived, was something that Komaeda still couldn’t stomach.

“So then you’re staying,” he sighed in defeat, knowing there was no point in prolonging this. They were sitting apart and yet Komaeda couldn’t shake off the feeling of skin brushing against skin, and their knees knocking together. “Until school starts?”

Hinata looked at him and he could see the effort with which he smiled. “You could say that. I’m not so sure myself.”

“What does that mean?”

Hinata looked at him, a frown on his face. “Why did you send me that letter, Komaeda?” he asked suddenly, and his voice was angry “Did you think I’d just accept it was as it was and let you go like that?”

Komaeda flushed. “It’s naïve of us to just keep on doing this. You need to move on, Hinata-kun,” he said. He felt like he was being left behind but he knew that was best for Hinata. “And you need to let go of _this_ , too. We can’t restart what we had,”

Hinata shook his head. “That was never my intention to begin with!” he was facing him now and his eyes were fierce, angry. “But that doesn’t mean I’m happy about this.”

“Because you don’t want to be alone?” his voice was small. He already knew they would never be lovers again, and he felt undeniably sad at the thought.

“Because I’ve already lost everyone and I don’t want to lose you as well,” Hinata looked away and Komaeda hoped the tremor in his voice had just been momentary “No matter what, didn’t I promise not to hate you? I don’t want to forget that.”

Komaeda’s mouth felt dry and he thought of that night, so long ago when he’d held onto his wrist and asked him for the only forgiveness he could have asked for. He hadn’t wanted to be hated, and here he was, trying to push him away again.

He didn’t know how to act in front of Hinata anymore and he kept his eyes averted, unsure of what the right thing to do was. He’d never imagined he’d be sitting in the same room with Hinata ever again, and the surprise and shock of it all made him feel like an infant thrown out into the wild.

Hinata looked like he was thinking along the same lines by the way his eyebrows had downturned into a frown. It comforted Komaeda a little and he tried to calm his breathing.

“Thank you for showing me the way to the house,” Hinata said after a while, gesturing vaguely to his surroundings—the small, one-person house with a single bedroom and a kitchen. It sounded like a faltering gesture to end the conversation and Komaeda welcomed it. “I’m sure I would have been lost if you hadn’t been there to help out.”

Komaeda nodded mechanically. “It’s no problem. I didn’t think your house would be so close to mine.”

Hinata flushed and looked out of the window again. The sun was high at its peak and the glare from it couldn’t have been comforting to the eyes. “I didn’t either,” he said “It must have been a coincidence.”

Komaeda laughed at that. “I never implied otherwise, Hinata-kun. Most of the cheaper houses are located in this neighborhood.”

“I just contacted an agent to rent one in my place,” Hinata stood up, putting the book down on the table. “Nikko is a beautiful place.”

Komaeda nodded and the room was silent again. His entire body itched to leave and he stood up abruptly, feeling his face heat up without any reason. Hinata looked at him and for a minute and they both stared at each other. The conversation seemed like it was over, but only for now.

“Um—” he began quickly and was interrupted by a loud, grumbling sound that made him stop immediately. He could see Hinata’s face color a light shade of red and he put a hand to his stomach as if to hide it.

“Are you hungry, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked, barely able to stop himself from laughing. Their argument felt like it had happened a long while ago.

“I didn’t get to eat on the way here,” Hinata’s face was still red. “I think I’ll get something from the shops.”

Komaeda didn’t know what came over him but he grabbed Hinata’s wrist and pointed to the door. “Mother made onigiri. If you want, you can come and have some.”

That seemed to surprise Hinata and he opened and closed his mouth before anxiously scratching the back of his head. “Are you sure that’s alright with you?”

Komaeda shrugged. “She always loves company,”

He could see a flicker of disappointment on Hinata’s face that vanished in a split second. He hadn’t outright said he wanted him there, he realized, and maybe Hinata had thought the same.

“I’ll come, then,” Hinata said softly. “It would be hard to get food at this time anyway, right?”

Komaeda smiled and gestured for Hinata to follow. He was only bringing him for lunch but it felt like something much more personal than that. He could see that Hinata was following him quietly, and they walked together in silence. Komaeda’s chest continually felt as if it was being clenched and unclenched between someone’s hands and the feeling of lightheadedness returned to him.

He kept his eyes fixed on the road and they passed by the row of houses until they reached a crossroads where they diverted into larger establishments. Their house wasn’t large, in any way, but it was still much better built than Hinata’s and a comfortable place for him and his mother to live in.

As Komaeda was about to slide open the door to his house, Hinata placed a hand on his arm and stopped him.

“I hope this isn’t a bother,” he said “Your mother doesn’t even know who I am, after all.”

Komaeda shook his head. “You don’t have to worry about it. She’ll be happy to meet you.”

Hinata looked like he wanted to argue but he sighed and retracted his hand, pressing it to his side and letting Komaeda open the door. They took their shoes off at the entrance and Komaeda peered inside the living room to find his mother seated on the dinner table.

“I hope you weren’t waiting too long, mother,” Komaeda said and then motioned for Hinata to come inside with him. “I met a friend on the way.”

He wasn’t sure why he could hear his heartbeat in his ears and he swallowed as his mother’s eyes darted from him to Hinata’s and then back to him again in confusion. She smiled and gestured towards the table.

“Come inside, there’s plenty of lunch for all three of us,” she laughed.

“Nice to meet you, Komaeda-san,” Hinata said as he stepped inside, hands drumming awkwardly at his sides. “I’m Hinata Hajime.”

“Call me Ritsuko,” she said. “It’s a pleasure to meet you too, Hinata-kun.”

Komaeda noted the way his mother’s eyes twinkled as he introduced himself and he wondered if she remembered that he’d talked about him to her on more than a few occasions. Knowing her, she knew exactly who he was.

They sat down and Komaeda felt his appetite fading the more he looked at the rice balls resting on his plate. Hinata took slow bites of the food, chewing mechanically as if his mind was elsewhere. Komaeda had only ever remembered seeing Hinata wolf down the food he ate and this mannerism seemed odd.

“You’re not eating, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda’s mother said before he could. “Is the flavor too strong?”

Hinata quickly shook his head and took a big bite. “Nothing of the sort!” he said “It’s delicious.”

His mother smiled. “Nagito was the one who made the preparations. I just shaped them, you see.”

Komaeda flushed as Hinata looked at him in awe. Was his mother trying to embarrass him on purpose?

“That’s amazing, Komaeda-kun,” Hinata smiled.

He wanted to laugh at the politeness with which he was being addressed in front of his mother.

“It’s nothing special,” he murmured, ignoring his own food as Hinata continued to eat it, with more vigor now, he noticed.

“So tell me,” his mother spoke up after a while. Her fingers traced the rim of her soup bowl as she regarded Hinata. “When did you meet my dear Nagito?”

Hinata smiled good-naturedly. “We were classmates in Kibougamine,” he said “And we lived in the same apartment complex.”

“Ah, so what brought you to Nikko?”

Hinata paused before answering, and Komaeda winced. He was afraid to know what his answer would be.

“I was looking for a job and I thought this would be a good place to get one.”

Komaeda’s mother smiled. “It’s good that you came here. Nikko is a beautiful place and I bet you’ll like it.”

Hinata nodded and Komaeda listened as his mother began to tell Hinata about places to visit in the city and Hinata listened to her attentively, nodding and humming whenever it was needed. It was all boring for him to listen to and he let his eyes drift to Hinata, noting how he looked so much more mature than before. He felt as if his jaw line had gotten more defined, almost adult like and the skin underneath his eyes was darker—he looked tired. His hair was still the same as they had always been but if he looked carefully he could notice a change in his posture. He definitely looked more built now and he felt his mouth drying at the thought.

“—won’t you, Nagito?” he barely caught his mother’s words and when he quickly darted his eyes to her, he saw that she was addressing him.

“Did you say something, mother?” he asked and she laughed, giving him a knowing look. It made him much more embarrassed than he had been up till now and he avoided looking at Hinata.

“I said you’d show him around the city, right?” she said again “You really need to pay more attention, my dear.”

Komaeda nodded quickly but Hinata waved his hands dismissively, clearly flustered.

“That’s alright, really! I think I’ll be able to figure things out on my own,” he said, his voice getting a little loud and Komaeda found himself smiling. “I’ve already bothered you enough.”

“You worry too much, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said lightly.

Hinata raised an eyebrow at that but didn’t argue. He had a feeling he was thinking of something more but he didn’t say, and Komaeda didn’t pry.

The rest of the lunch, they ate in silence and when all three of them were done, Hinata got up and thanked them for the food.

“I really should get going now,” he said, nodding in thanks to Komaeda’s mother. “It was a pleasure meeting you, Ritsuko-san.”

Komaeda’s mother nodded. “Likewise. It’ll be a pleasure to have you around again. I’m sure Nagito could use some company.”

“Mother!” Komaeda exclaimed and Hinata laughed politely as he headed towards the door.

They stopped at the entrance and Komaeda looked at Hinata expectantly, not sure what he was pausing for. He’d just let Hinata over for lunch because he was hungry—that’s all there had been to it.

And yet—

“Do you want me to show you around town?” he asked him, hesitation clear in his voice.

Hinata shook his head. “I’m tired today, but thank you,” he said, oddly formal “Maybe some other day?”

Komaeda couldn’t help the disappointment that wormed its way into his chest and he wished childishly that time could have stopped for a while so they wouldn’t have had to part so soon. It was unfair of him to think so and he felt like a fool for having such childish hopes.

“Some other day, then,” he said with a smile that barely wavered. He wondered why he was making such promises.

Hinata smiled tiredly and put on his shoes, not really looking at him as he said goodbye. Komaeda watched him go, wondering where all his anger had gone to and why—deep in his heart—he could only feel a sense of loneliness clawing at his chest.

He sighed and closed the door, hoping that the next time they met things would be less difficult for both of them.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so begins the phase of the story that killed the light and life from me and made me the shallow husk of a human I am right now. (this is only partly exaggeration, I suppose, and oh has it been _rough._ I hope you'll be able to see past that and enjoy it for all it's worth)
> 
> -also, I switched the poem from the previous chapter to this one because it fits better here. Instead, I added a new poem for the previous chapter and I quite like it! please check it out


	27. Spectre

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like a mariner  
> Sailing over Yura's strait  
> With his rudder gone:  
> Where, over the deep of love,  
> The end lies, I do not know.  
> -Sone no Yoshitada

_16 th April, 1925  
15th Year of the Taisho Era_

Finding a job hadn’t been as difficult as Hinata had imagined. There was always the need for workers who could help speed up construction work and the little experience he had allowed him to find a job at a plaza not too far away from where he was currently living.

The walk to and fro took barely fifteen minutes and the weather had been hospitable enough that it wasn’t much of a problem to travel the length back home after an exhausting day at work. The money he got was satisfactory, and his savings were slowly adding up. He hoped they’d be enough by the beginning of the school year.

He waved to the people walking alongside him, his neighbors and kind people who had helped him out when he had still been adjusting to the city. The young couple a few houses down from his was on a stroll, and in the faint evening light he could see how happy they were with their arms linked together and smiles on their lips. Hinata felt warm looking at them and he smiled to himself on the way back home.

His feet hurt from all the work he’d had to do today. They were finishing up with the lighting and wiring and work had extended beyond the time he usually got free. He didn’t mind though, since he was going to be paid for all his extra time he’d worked.

He heaved a tired sigh as he reached his house and slid open the door only to fall flat on his stomach as soon as his futon was in sight. Lately, all his energy felt as if it was being sapped into a void and all that was left were his bare skin and bones, hardly enough energy left for anything but work. And yet, despite how tired he felt, he couldn’t bring himself to fall asleep or do anything but think.

Forcing himself to get up, Hinata decided to write home. His parents already knew he was in Nikko—he’d made sure to send them a telegram when he’d settled in—but he knew they were probably still waiting for a letter. He grabbed a pen and paper, made himself think of what he wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come to him. He’d done nothing in Nikko except work, and he wasn’t sure his parents wanted to hear about that.

What had he been doing in the two weeks he’d spent here? He asked himself. He couldn’t think of anything. He didn’t even know his way past the neighborhood and his workplace even though there was so much waiting for him. Komaeda had even offered to show him around but that had sounded like a halfhearted statement more than anything else.

Hinata scrunched up the paper into a ball and shoved it aside, feeling tired all of a sudden. The night was still young and Hinata wished the day would end faster.

Tomorrow, he decided, tomorrow he’d go and talk to Komaeda.

\---

_17 th April, 1925_

On the way to Komaeda’s house, his mind kept rewinding back to the conversation they’d had when they had met the first time. He had assumed they’d catch sight of each other at some point—in the markets or the park or simply on the way home—but it was as if Komaeda had purposefully taken to hiding from him. He felt a sting in his chest at the thought and he tried—and failed— to quash it. He wasn’t going to get hurt over this.

He knocked on the front of his door and his feet tapped subconsciously against the concrete floor. He drummed his fingers against his arm in wait.

Komaeda peeped out from a small space in between the door and the frame. “Hinata-kun?” he asked in surprise “What brings you here?”

 Hinata heaved a sigh. “I came to take you up on that offer.”

“Offer?” Komaeda asked, opening the door fully. Hinata noted how messy his hair looked, like he’d only just woken up.

“To show me around Nikko,”

Komaeda frowned. “I have to take care of my mother,” he moved a few steps back, sliding the door partially closed so he could only see half of his face—cowering behind it. “I don’t think I can show you around.”

Hinata felt a spark of irritation at the fact that he wasn’t even looking at him. He knew it was awkward for both of them but that didn’t mean he had to always avoid him like this.

“Your mom’s the one who asked you to do it in the first place,” he said, a little testily.

It was always hide and seek with Komaeda, and even now, having spent two weeks in Nikko, he hadn’t talked to him at all. Was he always going to be the one to seek him out?

Komaeda bristled at that and pushed the door open again. “I don’t see why my mother’s offer still holds. You already refused us.”

“I was just being polite!” Hinata shook his head “Why’re you avoiding me, Komaeda?”

“I’m not avoiding you, I just don’t get out much!” Komaeda flushed and his voice rose a tone higher than it usually was. Hinata felt an odd sense of satisfaction at that. “I don’t like showing people around much, either.”

“Excuses,” Hinata said, rolling his eyes. “I bet you don’t even know half the places in Nikko.”

“Huh?” Komaeda inclined his head to the side “That’s awfully presumptuous of you.”

“Then why don’t you show me around?” Hinata asked, his face warming up in some repressed embarrassment over the argument they were having.

When he’d imagined talking to Komaeda, arguing with him like a child hadn’t been what he had in mind.

Komaeda rolled his eyes and slid open the door entirely. Red cheeked, he glared at Hinata and Hinata found himself wanting to look away. He held his gaze.

“Fine,” Komaeda almost spat the word “You’re going to spend the entire day with me and I’ll show you around Nikko. Is that fine, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata gawked, momentarily forgetting what they’d been arguing about in the first place. He nodded absentmindedly as Komaeda left him at the entrance, to change, he assumed.

He heard him call out to his mother to say something and then he was at the door, wearing a crisp, blue kimono. His hair seemed a lot tamer too now, Hinata realized with some satisfaction.

“Ready then?” Hinata asked, some level of nervousness finally setting in.

Komaeda wordlessly walked past him, his face still set in a frown as he motioned for him to follow. Hinata felt a tinge of anger which he tried to suppress by thinking of how he was finally with Komaeda.

“Where are we going?” he asked him when they finally left the neighborhood and Hinata could see the dense line of trees all around them. The air was cold and a breeze brought to them the faint scene of dirt and pine.

Komaeda pointed ahead, to the river that flowed underneath a bridge, rapid and unobstructed.

“See that? It’s called the _Shinkyo_ bridge and that’s the River Daiya flowing underneath it,” Komaeda said and his voice still bore hints of irritation which Hinata chose to ignore. “We’ll cross over to the other side and then follow the river.”

He began walking again and Hinata had to trot to keep up with him. He almost told him to slow down, but then thought the better of it and followed after him.

“So where does that lead us?” he asked, noting that no one else had passed through this route.

“You’ll see when we get there,”

They were quiet as they walked and Hinata took his time to admire the bridge and the river that flowed underneath. The path was sturdy and the forest surrounding them felt like an envelope. He didn’t know what was on the other side but he was curious to know.

He could hear the sounds of squirrels scurrying past the trees and the birds that chirped songs that only they knew of. Hinata found himself staring at the treetops in hopes of finding the birds but he could see none.

“They’re almost like ghosts,” Hinata said aloud and found it odd that his voice sounded so small here.

Komaeda turned to look at him and the look of anger was replaced by one of curiosity. “Ghosts?”

“The birds, I meant,” he said and arbitrarily pointed his finger towards the treetops “You can hear them, but you can’t see them.”

“That’s an elegant way of putting it, I guess,” Komaeda said, looking ahead again. They stepped off the bridge and onto a stone lined path instead. “It’s funny that you’d mention ghosts.”

Hinata wanted to ask him what he meant when Komaeda pointed west. “Now we follow the river.”

Hinata jumped a few steps and walked in step with Komaeda. Their shoulders brushed slightly and Hinata felt a warm tickle in his chest at the thought of how close they were. The path was narrow and they had to walk close together where it winded and turned along the river’s side. The water was loud and the splashes of the water would sometimes fall cold on Hinata’s feet.

“Have you ever been here before, Komaeda?” Hinata asked suddenly, “You said you don’t go out much.”

Komaeda gave him a withering look. “Are you implying that we’ll get lost, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata flushed. “That’s not what I meant! I was just curious.”

“My father brought me here once,” he huffed “The path is relatively simple, don’t worry.”

Hinata smiled at the thought of a younger Komaeda walking the same path that they were taking together now. “It must have been nice if you wanted to show it to me.”

Komaeda laughed, unexpectedly, and Hinata’s heartbeat picked up in response. “You’re getting ahead of yourself, Hinata-kun,” he said, “I never said it was a very nice place.”

Hinata felt as if he was being looked down upon, but Komaeda’s voice hadn’t implied that. “If you’re taking me there, it’s bound to be a good place,” he said “I trust your choice.”

Komaeda didn’t answer, and instead picked up his pace so that he remained a few steps ahead of Hinata. Hinata sighed and followed after him in silence, his motivation to speak washing away along with the river. He felt as if he was walking on tiptoe with him again, and he hoped the feeling would go away.

The path was long and winding and Hinata was almost about to ask when they’d finally get there when Komaeda stopped, making Hinata almost bump into him.

“We’re here,” Komaeda said at length. “This place is the Kanman-ga-fuchi Abyss.”

 Hinata followed Komaeda’s line of sight and saw the narrow path barred off from the sides with a wooden fence. The river flowed in rapids over rocks and pebbles and the sound of it grew louder as they walked along the path. Hinata kept his eyes on the river, noting how deep it was and feeling a shudder down the length of his spine. If he were to fall down, he doubted he’d be able to survive.

“Is this what you wanted to show me?” Hinata asked, a smile on his lips “It’s beautiful.”

“I guessed as much,” Komaeda said “It’s a good place for when you want to relax. Father and I enjoyed it a lot.”

“Tell me more,” Hinata ended up saying as they stopped at the foot of the fence, staring ahead at the water. “You must have had a good time.”

“I was scared out of my mind, actually,” Komaeda laughed and pointed ahead. “We walked further on and it gets a little eerie.”

“Ah?” Hinata asked, subconsciously leaning forward “Is it really that scary?”

Komaeda grinned, as if he had a secret to tell, and continued walking ahead on the concrete path. Hinata began to see shades of reds and greens up ahead and—curiosity getting the better of him— he skipped ahead of Komaeda.

A chill ran up his spine and he stopped.

They were standing in front of a row of stone statues lined together—all of them had red caps on their stony heads and red cloths around the bodies. Hinata felt odd staring at the statues in front of him and Komaeda laughed, probably seeing the look he had on his face.

“They’re called the _Bake_ _Jizo_ ,” Komaeda explained “Legend has it that whenever you count them, the number is never the same.”

Hinata shuddered as he cast a wary glance at the moss covered bodies that seemed to be frozen in time, forever meditating on the stone platforms. It was only the two of them here and the sound of the river felt louder, almost eerie. The sounds of the birds had died down. He could almost hear his own breathing.

“Do you…do you think we should try counting them?” he asked.

Komaeda shrugged. “I was too afraid to count when I was young so I can’t really say I’m not curious,” he said, a nostalgic look on his face. “I think I want to count them now and see for myself.”

Hinata nodded and they both began to walk along the straight path, their eyes fixed on the statues that continued to look ahead of them. One, two, three, they counted in their heads, noting that some of the statues were missing from the platforms, probably washed away at some point.

They reached the end of the path, and stopped.

Komaeda raised an eyebrow. “How many did you count, Hinata-kun?”

“Seventy,” he said, praying Komaeda got the same number.

“I counted the same,” Komaeda sighed, “Let’s do it again on the way back.”

Hinata nodded wearily, his eyes not leaving the _Jizo_ statues. “They’re creepy but oddly beautiful,” he said “You have weird taste, Komaeda.”

“I just thought you might find this entertaining,” Komaeda huffed “Didn’t you like reading mystery novels a lot in your free time?”

Hinata laughed, not expecting the response. He didn’t think Komaeda would still remember such a thing.

“That was just a phase. I don’t really like reading them that much anymore.”

“Is that so?” Komaeda asked, glancing at him out of the corner of his eye as they traversed the path so the left of them. “What do you like to read now?”

“I haven’t read much, lately,” he sighed “Just some poetry when I was working in the library.”

Komaeda stared. “Really? You’re interested in poetry now, Hinata-kun?” he laughed “That’s something I wasn’t expecting at all!”

Hinata smiled, noting how Komaeda seemed to have finally put down his defenses enough to talk properly to him. He didn’t want to ruin the chance he was being given.

“I had a lot of free time when I was the librarian,” he said, thinking of the time he had spent in the undestroyed part of Tokyo University’s library. “I used to help them with putting the books in order and they let me read if I wanted to.”

“Why poetry?” Komaeda asked, a strange look on his face.

There were more _Jizo_ statues lined up here, and they stopped in front of a pond with rounded pebbles and clear water that showed the green of the moss underneath. Without any signal, they both sat down on the rocks at the edge of it, and Hinata skimmed his fingers across the water’s surface.

“Reading poetry helped me relax,” Hinata finally said “I don’t know—it just felt like I could read into the poets’ hearts, you know?”

Komaeda nodded, smiling a little. “It feels like you can understand them.”

“I wish you’d shown me more of them when we were in Tokyo,” Hinata said, “I might have grown to like them earlier.”

Komaeda’s smile faded for a few seconds and Hinata wondered if he’d done wrong by speaking of the past. He heard him sigh as he threw a small pebble into the water.

“I wish I had,” he finally said, and his voice was light “You might have actually liked them.”

“I’m sure I would have, if you were the one recommending them,” he said quickly and winced. He hoped Komaeda wouldn’t think he was offhandedly making a pass at him. “I—I mean you’ve always had a knack for liking good stuff.”

Komaeda laughed now, and his voice filled Hinata’s ears. For a few seconds it almost felt as if the sound of the river and the birds had faded away, but then it was back in a rush and Hinata hoped his face wasn’t reddening with the flush of warmth he felt.

“I’m glad you can appreciate it now,” Komaeda said and the laughter was still in his voice and his eyes “It was a lot of pain having to put up with such a brute of a friend, you know.”

“H-hey! Aren’t you getting a little too carried away?” Hinata protested halfheartedly, smiling along with Komaeda and feeling his chest lighter that it had felt in a while. “You were still my friend regardless.”

Komaeda smiled at him, like he used to back when. It was warm and intimate and just as honest as he remembered it to be. “And I still am, aren’t I?”

Hinata felt like he had to answer it, even if it felt obvious enough. They’d never stopped being friends even when things had felt so, so wrong between them. And he didn’t think they could ever not be.

He felt a touch of sadness at being asked but he nodded. “Yeah,” he said “We always were.”

Komaeda nodded and looked away, eyes drifting to the water and the rocks underneath. “And you’re not mad at me?” he asked “For the letter? For not wanting to meet you?”

He knew this was what it would come to, but he was glad for it. “I might be, actually,”

Komaeda looked at him, a curious smile on his lips. Hinata found it odd that he would react like that but he waited for him to speak.

“Tell me why you’re mad at me, then,” he said, picking up a pebble and hurling it into the water. “Haven’t you been bottling it up since you came here?”

He hadn’t expected him to be so upfront about it, but he guessed it was obvious enough in the way he still kept mostly to himself all the while. He was angry at him even now, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be open about it.

He felt his face prickle with heat. “Do we need to talk about it?”

“If you’re going to be staying in Nikko then I think you need to,” Komaeda frowned, “We can’t keep on pretending. Tell me why you’re mad at me and maybe we can go back to talking like normal again,”

Like normal. Hinata wondered what that entailed but he hoped it meant they could be honest with each other again. Like they used to be when they had been friends without a care in the world.

He found himself leaning forward, a little hopeful and more than a little irritated. “I’m mad at you for leaving Tokyo without telling me the reason.”

Komaeda inclined his head to the side in confusion. “I did tell you why.”

Hinata was reminded of that night on the bridge that led to their school, the pale break of dawn as they’d stood and looked at each other after Komaeda had spewed hurtful lies at him. He regretted not saying it to him back then but he felt the courage to do it now.

“I know you were lying, Komaeda,” he sighed, leaning back on the rock he was sitting and looking up at the misty sky and the green treetops. It was only the two of them here, just like that day. “Matsuda told me that Enoshima blackmailed you. Your dad’s business is flourishing again, isn’t it?”

Komaeda clutched the rock in his hands tightly, almost defensively. A flush rose to color his cheeks. “It wasn’t exactly blackmail,” he looked away as he spoke, hands tapping the pebble against the ground “But it was the only way for me to set things right for my family.”  

Hinata had already known all of this and yet, hearing him say it caused a flicker of hope to rise in his chest. It was foolish of him, but he still wanted to affirm what he had always known.

“So she told you to abandon whatever you had here and go back to Nikko?” he said, a little breathlessly.

“I don’t blame her. It was my fault the situation came to that in the first place,” as if in answer, he turned to look at Hinata, a smile on his lips “I didn’t want to leave you, Hinata-kun.”

He closed his eyes and tried not to think of what that meant. Komaeda hadn’t wanted to leave him, till the end. Maybe the promise he had made him—to never hate him no matter what came—was just another testament to that.

He felt his throat drying and he coughed, unable to meet Komaeda’s eye. “You had your mother to worry for,”

“Why are you mad at me then?” This time Komaeda was the one leaning forward, face red and eyes just a little angry “If you knew all of this?”

“Because you didn’t even trust me enough to think I’d be able to understand,” Hinata felt a sting of anger as he said his thoughts aloud “Was it really necessary to break things off like that?”

“That was never my intention but I don’t think prolonging it would have been good for either of us,” Komaeda shook his head “Isn’t it better this way?”

“I don’t know,” he said, and it was a lie. He knew he wanted more than just this, but he didn’t think Komaeda would feel the same “I’ve stopped trying to think about it.”

He’d thought about it—more than he would have liked to admit—in the what-if’s that Hinata liked to entertain sometimes at night. He’d thought about how, maybe someday, they could have gone back to being friends and lovers, without any worry in the world and nothing to hold them back from their happiness. He knew Komaeda felt the same even now, by the way he looked at him as he spoke, grey eyes searching for something.

Hinata imagined he saw disappointment in them when he spoke next.

“Then—is it fine to just stay like this?” Komaeda was looking at the water, the liquid pooling around them like a clear mirror that bared to them their own desires. And yet they still weren’t entirely honest to themselves.

Hinata shrugged. “I haven’t thought about it but anything’s fine,” he meant this much, at least “I just hope you won’t avoid me anymore,”

Komaeda smiled, and it was a little sad. “I won’t…you might not realize this Hinata-kun but I’ve missed you a lot,”

Hinata tried not to, but he found himself laughing a little at that.  

“Is that so?” he asked, nudging Komaeda’s arm as he looked at him.

Komaeda nodded, and the flush that rose to his cheeks was enough to make Hinata feel just as warm on the inside. It was contagious and they both looked away, red faced and trying to hide their smiles.

Things were far from better, but it was a start. They were moving forward.

Komaeda coughed and pointed to the sky that had turned red without them realizing it. “I think it’s time to go back, Hinata-kun,”

Hinata nodded as Komaeda touched his arm, urging him to get up. Hinata followed, his shoulder brushing Komaeda’s—a spark alighted in his arm and traversed down to his fingertips. The path was narrow and when their hands touched just the slightest, neither of them made to move away.

\---

“How many did you count this time?” Hinata asked, hands shaking a little as he cast a furtive glance at the statues that seemed to be staring at him now.

Komaeda coughed. “Sixty-eight.”

“Sixty nine,” Hinata said, voice trembling. “I must have missed one.”

“So the legend was true,” Komaeda said, a look of death on his face. “I guess one of them was a ghost, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata wished he would at least smile to lighten the mood but his response only made him want to run away as fast as he could.

He looked up at the sky and saw grey clouds floating above, signaling the oncoming rain. A faint sound of footsteps echoed a few feet away from them and Hinata peered ahead of the greenery to see two boys, barely half their height, running towards them.

Komaeda’s hand landed on Hinata’s arm and he yelped in response, his heartbeat speeding up in terror. He didn’t know what to do and he turned and grabbed Komaeda’s arm in turn, hands shaking all the while. His blood ran cold.

“The _Bake Jizo_ , Komaeda!” he exclaimed, his voice rising enough to crack “They’re real!”

Komaeda’s face was pale and his grip on Hinata’s arm tightened as the two children—or ghosts—came skipping towards them.

“Komaeda-nii!” one of them called out “Komaeda-nii!”

Hinata trembled, wanting Komaeda to relinquish his grip so they could both run away, but the high-pitched voice of the boy froze him to the spot.

Komaeda opened and closed his mouth in horror as the boys came closer still. His eyes narrowed just the slightest and then a smile found its way to his lips.

“Ah! Is that you, Ryo-kun?” Komaeda answer loudly.

“I’m here with Kyou-chan!” the voice replied, louder now.

Komaeda laughed, casting a glance towards Hinata and letting go of the grip on his arm “Hinata-kun thought you were a ghost!”

Hinata turned on him as the two boys stopped in front of them, toothy grins on their faces. Their eyes scanned Hinata, and their smiles widened. Hinata flushed.

“O-Oi! You were just as scared as I was!” he protested “Don’t try to act cool now!”

“Did Komaeda-nii trick you, sir?” one of the boys asked.

Hinata glared at Komaeda, who smiled sheepishly. “Who are you guys anyway?”

“They’re my neighbors,” Komaeda said and then turned to address the boys “Did my mother send for you?”

“They thought you got lost! It’s getting late and she’s worried!” the boy named Ryo said.

Komaeda laughed. “We were just on our way back. You two can go back, we’ll join you.”

“Okay!” they exclaimed in unison and skipped back in the direction they had come from.

Hinata watched the boys go and wondered how he was nearing twenty years in age, and still got terrified at the thought of them being creatures from the other side.

He turned to look at Komaeda. “You’re friends with these kids?”

Komaeda shook his head. “My mother is. She loves children.”

Hinata nudged him on the arm. “You almost looked like their older brother.”

Komaeda flushed and began walking again. “It’s getting late,”

“That’s true,” Hinata said. The sun was about to set and the air around them was getting colder by the minute, wrapping the forest and the trees around them in pale mist.

“Want to come over and eat dinner?” Komaeda offered.

“Are you just being polite again?”

“If that’s what you want to think of it,” Komaeda said but Hinata could see that he was trying to hide his smile by looking away “I was planning on making hotpot today.”

“You make hotpot?” he asked, finding that Komaeda’s smile was a lot more contagious than he had imagined “Are there any more secrets you’ve been keeping from me?”

“You can always find out, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, nudging his arm and letting him walk alongside him.

Hinata felt like a child when he looked at Komaeda trying, and failing, to keep the smile off his face and he grinned too, in response.

“I’ll be imposing on you a little longer then,” he said, following Komaeda out of the forest as the sun set, casting the sky and the leaves in orange.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hhhh I'm really sorry for the late update I've had this written for ages but my college finally started and I've been so busy with things I've barely had time to even think about updating it. It's actually the first time in a while I've actually been free to think about this fic so I decided to update it :>  
> Thank you for reading, I hope you enjoyed this rather lighthearted chapter ヽ(;^o^ヽ)
> 
> -The[ kamangafuchi abyss ](http://www.travelinboots.com/japan/eerie-wander-forest-kanmangafuchi-abyss/) is an actual place in Nikko and I was just looking it up and it was such an interesting place that I just knew I had to add it haha. I'd like to visit it some day TT


	28. Stay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I should live long,  
> Then perhaps the present days  
> May be dear to me,  
> Just as past time filled with grief  
> Comes quietly back in thought.  
> -Fujiwara no Kiyosuke

_5th May, 1925  
15th Year of the Taisho Era_

Once, when Hinata had been lying idly in his apartment, Komaeda showed up and dragged him out of his room. It was one of those days when neither of them had anything better to do, and nothing much to talk about so they went people watching. Komaeda was the one who’d come up with the suggestion at the start, and Hinata had gone along with it easily. As long as he could talk to him, he didn’t mind what they did.

He stared at the people milling about the market, some busy and some loitering, while they sat on a bench under the shade of a ginkgo tree.

“This really doesn’t make any sense,” Hinata frowned, wiping the sweat from his brow “How come we always sit at the same place?”

Komaeda thought about it. “It brings a sense of permanence,” he said “It makes it easier for us to focus on the people.”

“Is it really that important? We could have just talked in the veranda.” They often did that when it was too hot to even people watch. “Even though all we talk about is what happened that day.”

“We’re boring people, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda sighed, fanning himself with his hand. His face was red and his hair was matted to his forehead but he still managed to look half decent, Hinata thought with some jealousy. “There’s nothing much we can talk about.”

Hinata decided to ignore that comment. Komaeda looked irritable and the heat was clearly getting to the both of them but neither of them made to get up. He felt a dull sense of irritation but he quashed it and instead kept looking on, at the people milling about in their mundane daily lives.

“You say we’re boring,” Hinata said after a while “But aren’t these people the same way?”

“How so?”

“We don’t know what they’re thinking. We don’t know what their lives are like,” he said, pointing at an elderly passerby “Why do you find them entertaining to watch when they’re not even our concern in the first place?”

Komaeda laughed at that. “You’re thinking about it too deeply.”

“Wasn’t that the whole point of doing this?”

Komaeda shrugged “I just think it’s a good way to pass time without sitting idly. Isn’t it interesting to think of all these people that we don’t know about?”

“I think it’s a little lonely.”

“I doubt they’re lonely.”

Hinata smiled ruefully.  “I wasn’t talking about those people, Komaeda.”

Komaeda seemed at a loss at that. Hinata looked at him, waiting for him to say something but he just smiled and resumed fanning himself with his hand like he hadn’t heard him in the first place.

Hinata sighed to himself and lowered his head, feeling the heat bear down on him. He was too tired to even bother thinking about people he had no relation to, when he couldn’t even understand the boy who sat beside him.

Komaeda smiled and occasionally pointed at a few people walking by as he randomly made up stories for their lives. They were all farfetched tales and Hinata doubted any of them were even close to accurate, but then he reminded himself that it was all a game. They probably weren’t meant to be even close to reality anyway.

Avoidance was key to their relationship, after all, so who was he to complain when Komaeda did just that?

\----

_16th May, 1925_

When Hinata heard the door slide open he expected Komaeda to be the one who did it. But that was strange—Komaeda never entered without knocking.

He had been lying on the mats at the time, his face in the direction of the small pedestal fan he’d bought from the market a few days ago. He could still feel the sweat clinging to his clothes and skin and he wished there was something that could have cooled him better. Technology was making so many advancements, so why couldn’t they come up with something that would actually be useful on a hot summer’s day?

He was still partly lost in his irritated musings when he felt the soft tap on his shoulder and he turned around, expecting to find his friend smiling at him. But what he found instead was a wrinkly old lady grinning at him, her front teeth missing and one of her canines chipped and looking ready to fall. Her eyes were twinkling and Hinata jerked up in surprise, barely able to suppress the urge to shout.

He narrowed his eyes as he regarded the one who was sitting next to him now, still grinning with affection.

Hinata opened his mouth to speak but the lady was faster.

“Daiya-kun I was looking all over for you!” she exclaimed, putting a heavy hand on Hinata’s knee “Where were you off to this time?”

“Um,” Hinata didn’t know what to say. For a few seconds, he couldn’t quite understand why she was speaking to him so familiarly, but then he looked at the woman again and frowned.

Hadn’t Komaeda talked about an old lady who always mistook others as her grandson?

Her hand was still on Hinata’s knee, warm and somehow reassuring so he let her go on.

“You know I have so much hope in you! If only you would stay in your room and study!” she said, shaking her head in grief, “Didn’t you want to become a doctor for my sake?”

Hinata smiled weakly. “I was just taking a break,” his voice was soft “I’d been studying all morning, you see.”

“Is that so?” the grandmother said, her eyes crinkling as she smiled in relief “I’m glad you’re diligent, my dear. It’s so hard to find young boys like you these days.”

Hinata nodded along to her words. “I wouldn’t want to disappoint you, grandmother,” he said “I think it’s time for me to study again, now.”

The old lady finally relinquished her grip on Hinata’s knee and clapped her hands, the gesture barely making a sound. She was still smiling at him and Hinata felt a pang in his chest to see such an innocent old lady who was always talking about her grandson.

Somehow, her blind belief in him made Hinata feel a little guilty for lying around in his room after work—as if he was somehow doing her a disservice by not being the same hardworking student as her grandson.

He forced himself to smile. “Grandmother, I think it’s time for you to go back to your room. Do you want me to take you back?”

She nodded quickly and took Hinata’s hand. Hinata pressed it, feeling how frail and papery it was to the touch. Hinata didn’t know where the old lady lived, but he realized that he didn’t need to show her the way. She walked a few steps ahead of Hinata, pulling him by the hand in a fixed direction and Hinata assumed she didn’t really need to be escorted anyway, but he walked with her nevertheless.

As they were walking, and Hinata was mostly being led along like a child to her home, the old lady stopped tentatively in the middle of the road. She pointed ahead and in the light, Hinata spotted Komaeda walking towards him. He raised a hand to him in greeting and Komaeda waved to him in return.

“Do you see him?” the old lady said, addressing Hinata “That’s my grandson!”

Hinata laughed. “Is that so?”

She nodded quickly. “He’s studying to become a doctor.”

“He must be hard working, I assume,”

“Oh, he is,” she said, and as Komaeda came to join them, she gently patted the boy’s arm.

“Grandmother, isn’t it a little late for you to be walking about like that?” Komaeda said, smiling as he took the hand that Hinata wasn’t holding. “Let’s go back to your home, alright?”

The lady looked confused as she looked at Komaeda. Hinata wondered if she’d finally realized that neither of them were actually her grandsons, but then she was nodding again, and the two of them walked along with her, both of them holding her hands.

It was a small little house, similar to Hinata’s in design, and they left her at the doorway. A middle aged man opened the door and took her in, thanking them for bringing his mother back.

“Really, mother, haven’t I told you not to leave without me like that?” her son said with a sigh as she went inside. He turned to look at them and smiled apologetically. “I’m sorry you had to bring her back again, Komaeda-kun.”

Komaeda waved his hand dismissively “It’s quite alright! I was just walking when I saw her coming back with Hinata-kun.”

The man nodded politely. “Thank you, then, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata inclined his head in response and gestured for Komaeda to come along. They both waved goodbye to the old lady’s son and walked back, away from the house and back towards Hinata’s.

Komaeda laughed after a short period of silence. “She’s a delight to talk to, isn’t she?”

Hinata nodded. “Does she think everyone’s her grandson?”

“Sometimes,” Komaeda said, “At times she’s perfectly normal, too. Though she does like talking about him even then.”

“He must be an awfully amazing grandson for her to always be talking about him,” Hinata laughed “I think I’d like to meet him.”

Komaeda was silent for a few seconds and Hinata looked at him to see that he was frowning a little.

“You know, Hinata-kun, one time she when she was feeling well, she told me about her grandson,” Komaeda said slowly “He passed away two years ago…in the earthquake.”

Hinata’s stomach dropped. “Oh…?”

Komaeda nodded, his jaw set firmly. “Maybe that’s why she always sees him in everyone. I think she loved him very much.”

Hinata was silent. He wanted to say something but all he could think of was the papery thin skin of her hands, and how fast the time for her must be ticking away. He felt like he was a lot similar to her, in the way that he was also avoiding everything in his life to be here—escaping his worries and trying to drown himself in the timeless happiness he felt in this city.

Komaeda nudged his arm and pointed to the right. They had already arrived at his place, without Hinata even realizing it.

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked, concern lacing his voice “Is something wrong?”

Hinata shook his head and slid open his door. Another retreat from everything. “It’s fine,” he said “I was just thinking.”

He could feel Komaeda’s piercing stare on him as he stepped inside, and then a slight shake of the head as he followed him in. It was all routine and Hinata decided that it wasn’t going to bother him.

\---

_26th May, 1925_

Hinata usually opened the door to his house without much delay, but this time Komaeda had to wait a while before he even heard any signs of the boy coming to the doorstep. When he did open it, Komaeda saw how disheveled he looked, from the way his hair was standing up at ends, and the neck of his yukata was hanging a little too low, the obi tied messily as if in a hurry.

“Hinata-kun did I come at a wrong time?” he asked in worry. He could see Hinata looked incredibly tired “You look out of sorts.”

Hinata shook his head “I’m alright,” he said and gestured for him to come in “It’s just been a rough few days.”

They walked into his porch, where they usually sat, and Komaeda chose to sit on the chair just next to the small garden. Hinata was smiling as he brought a _shogi_ board and put it on the table in front of Komaeda, neatly arranging the pieces in order. He hadn’t come here to play, but he wasn’t going to deny him.

Hinata sat beside him, moving his chair a few inches too far away as usual and Komaeda made no move to get closer. It was better this way, he told himself.

 They began to play and Komaeda tried to focus on the pieces laid out in front of him rather than at the boy sitting in front of him, his eyes continually downcast and a faltering smile on his lips. It looked like a cheap mask that would crumble any second and Komaeda wanted to ask him what he was thinking as they played without any conviction.

The pieces kept moving, forward and backward, and they kept their eyes on the board until the silence between them became too heavy. At this point, Hinata would usually have come up with a story to tell him, mostly about his work, sometimes about the people he met on his way back home.

This time, Komaeda was the one who spoke first.

“Have you been busy with work?” he asked tentatively, looking ahead at the garden and the flowers that were beginning to wilt. Had Hinata not watered them in a while?

Hinata moved another piece and scratched the back of his neck. “I haven’t been to work in three days.”

Komaeda startled, his hand pausing where he’d been moving to pick up a white piece from his side. Hinata wasn’t one for skipping work.

“Hinata-kun…are you alright?”

Hinata nodded but his lips trembled. As he put down his piece on the board, Komaeda could see how badly his fingers were shaking.

“I’m fine,” he said and the two of the continued to play.

Komaeda kept looking at him out of the corner of his eye, glancing to see if there was any change in his behavior. All he could see was the smile on his lips, and the paleness of his cheeks. Hinata looked like his mother did when she was having one of her spells and years of seeing that put him on edge, scared that he could break any second.

Komaeda wished he could know what he was thinking but the more he tried, the worse he felt he was at understanding him now. He could have read him like an open book before, but know it was like looking at a book with only burnt pages, barely anything left of what used to be.

The change was barely noticeable, but Komaeda saw how his expression fell for a fraction of a second—his hands were trembling.

“Hinata-kun,” he quickly spoke up and his voice was desperate “If there’s something on your mind, I’m always here to listen.”

Hinata didn’t answer, but his hand didn’t move to play either. Komaeda kept his eyes on Hinata, not wanting to look away for fear of missing something important.

Hinata smiled again but it was gone as soon as it had come and when he looked up, his eyes were brimming with tears. The reaction was so sudden that he couldn’t even act, and so he stared.

“It’s nothing,” Hinata said, and the mask fell apart completely “It’s just—I’m just so happy to be here, with you.”

It was a lie as plain as day but Komaeda couldn’t bring himself to say anything. A tear slid down Hinata’s cheek and Komaeda jumped up, hitting his knee on the table and upsetting the pieces that they had laid down so carefully.

Hinata turned his face and looked away, trying desperately to wipe away the tears that had broken free. Komaeda’s chest ached as he looked at the boy, still hoping to hide what he felt.

He reached out and wiped Hinata’s cheek with his thumb, letting him know that he was here for him. He was scared Hinata would push him away but his hand stayed where it was.

Hinata laughed shakily. “I’m sorry for this. I bet it’s troublesome for you.”

Komaeda shook his head and slid closer to him, placing a hand on his knee in reassurance.

Hinata was still crying softly, faint hiccups that broke Komaeda’s heart bit by bit. He wished he could have closed his eyes to it and he pushed aside the urge to hold him.

“It’s alright,” he said in the softest voice he could manage “Do you—do you miss home?”

Hinata shook his head quickly. “It’s the same wherever I am,” he lowered his gaze to look at Komaeda who was still crouching at the foot of his chair. His eyes were moist and red “I’m still stuck where I’ve always been,”

He remembered what Koizumi had told her about him. About how deeply he was still hurting over so many things, still trying to forget it all and putting up a charade so no one worried about him. He wondered how much it had taken for him to break down to this—a pitiful young man rubbing at his eyes and blaming himself for everything, even now.

“Is this about what happened back then?” he asked, wanting to know “Do you still regret it?”

Hinata closed his eyes and let his head rest in Komaeda’s hands, too tired to stay alert “I—I don’t want to talk about it right now.”

Komaeda felt a sting in his chest. Hinata was avoiding him again, keeping what he felt to himself even when it was a burden to him.

“Are you always going to be like this?”

Hinata looked at him, taking hold of his hands and lowering them from his face. “I’m _trying_ , Komaeda,” he said hoarsely “I think you shouldn’t the one saying this to me.”

Komaeda’s heart sank. So this was why.

He lowered his head and looked at his hands, knowing he was partly the reason Hinata could never be open about what he felt. He hadn’t done much to make himself feel welcome to such discussions. He wondered if Hinata was angry at him for it and the thought made his stomach flip over in worry.

He didn’t want to estrange Hinata when they were finally talking again. He didn’t want to lose him like this and he wished, with all his heart that he could see him smile like the sun again. He’d never wanted to see him so broken and tired.

“I’m sorry…I think I want to talk about everything with you now, Hinata-kun. About why I left…why I can’t go back,” he said, voice shaking and his own eyes stinging with tears. What had happened to them for it to come to this? “I don’t want to make you feel troubled by this anymore.”

If it was for Hinata, he would tell him everything, even if there was still nothing for them but the time they had right now. Dancing between friends and lovers—always hesitating.

Hinata looked at him as he wiped his eyes. There was a flicker of hope in them and Komaeda’s heart swelled at the sight.

“Do you really mean that?” he asked, not wanting to be disappointed.

Komaeda nodded, lowering his head to rest on Hinata’s knee. “I do. More than anything,”

Hinata was silent for a while, and then his hands rested on his shoulders, hesitantly touching his hair. Komaeda’s heart beat slowed down and he closed his eyes.

“I see,” Hinata said, fingers still carding through Komaeda’s hair “Thank you,”

Komaeda was ready to speak of anything, if Hinata wanted it, but he didn’t say it. Neither of them was ready, but at least it was the first step towards moving forward.

He thought he heard Hinata cry again, soft sounds that were barely noticeable save for the trembling of his body. He held Hinata’s hand and waited for it to pass so that he could smile again, even if it was barely a shadow of what it used to be.

Komaeda swallowed, bitterly wishing that if he could have shouted at the heavens, he would have only wished for Hinata’s happiness.

There was nothing else in his heart but that single wish.

\---

_8th June, 1925_

When Hinata finally decided to visit Komaeda’s place, his mother was already there, hugging him tightly and fussing over him like a mother is wont to do. He smiled as she took his face in her hands and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

“Hajime-kun, are you feeling better now?” she asked him, taking him by the hand and bringing him to Komaeda’s room “Nagito told me you were ill,”

Hinata found himself flushing, and he wished it had been anything as dignified as a simple illness. “I’m alright now,” he said quickly, letting her hold his hand in her frail ones “Komaeda-kun was very caring when he visited me.”

She looked like she wanted to know more and Hinata found himself faltering under her gaze. Those were the eyes of someone who could see through whatever a person said, and he wished she wouldn’t ask him more. Her concern was more than enough for him.

She sighed and patted his arm one last time before letting go of his hand. “I hope you’re happy here, Hajime-kun,” she said softly as the door slid open and her son walked out, a startled smile on his lips “You’re like a son to me, just as Nagito is.”

Hinata’s chest felt tight and he looked down, unable to meet the sincerity in her eyes.

 “I’m trying my best, Ritsuko-san,” he nodded “You don’t have to worry about me!”

“He certainly looks better,” Komaeda laughed as he joined them. “How are you Hinata-kun?”

“I’m good,” he tried to smile and his face warmed when he looked at Komaeda “I—I thought it was about time I visited.”

Komaeda nodded in understanding. “If you want, we could go out for a walk,”

His mother grinned and nudged Komaeda’s elbow. “Wouldn’t it be nice to go on a picnic with Hajime-kun?” she said in a singsong voice “You really need to get out more often,”

Komaeda flushed as she walked into the kitchen. Hinata laughed as he stared after his mother, cheerful as always.

“I’ll pack some things for you two!” she said from there “The weather outside is wonderful.”

Hinata raised an eyebrow. “She really wants you to get out of the house, doesn’t she?”

“She seems to think I’ll gather mold if I stay in for too long,”

If mold was white and frail, it might have made for an accurate description, Hinata thought. Komaeda didn’t look like he’d been eating much lately, and his physique was even slighter than it had been two years ago.

He coughed and looked away as Ritsuko handed Komaeda a small basket with eatables, he assumed.

“I put in what I could find,” she said, a curious little smile on her lips “I hope you two can have a nice little chat, alright?”

Somehow, Hinata found himself feeling a little nervous and he tried not to let it show as he was shoved out of the house along with Komaeda.

Komaeda clutched the basket in his hands, swishing it to and fro as they walked out of the neighborhood—to where, Hinata didn’t know. He’d learnt to just follow Komaeda when they were out walking, and he trusted him to find a good place where they could sit down and talk.

The sky was clear and bright, the blue of it almost painfully happy to his eyes, and the clouds scattered and wispy. There were a lot of people out today, probably to enjoy the weather just like the two of them. Hinata looked at the sight of so many happy people walking about with a little jealousy.

Komaeda’s hand grazed Hinata’s and he looked at him in question.

“Did you think about what I said that day, Hinata-kun?” he asked, smiling a little.

Hinata nodded. “That’s why I came here today,” he said, following Komaeda into a narrow alleyway that crept upwards on big, spaced out steps. There were shops all around them, clustered together in a mess of color and smells. “I think—I think I’m ready to talk about it now,”

Hinata saw the smile on Komaeda’s lips, and it was almost proud when he looked at him, “I’m here to listen to whatever you have to say,”

It was a comforting thought, and one that Hinata already knew. Without fail, Komaeda was one person who would always be willing to listen to what he wanted to say, even if he wasn’t always the right person to talk to.

They were slowly walking up the steps and the shops and buildings diminished around them until they came to stand on a flatter area, high enough that Hinata felt the air colder around them. A calm breeze washed over them and Hinata leapt ahead, to the open hill they were standing on.

The entire city of Nikko sprawled underneath them, houses and shops all a mix of wooden structures and shingled rooftops. Smoke billowed out from some of the houses, and in the distance he could see the mountains, cold and looming in dense fog.

Komaeda began to spread a cloth on the grass and they sat down, knees crossed and their legs almost touching. Hinata thought the cloth might be just a little too small for two young men to sit on, but he didn’t bother complaining about it.

They both looked ahead at the city bustling just underneath them and Hinata swallowed. There was still so much life in this world, so many lives full of purpose and joy.

He turned to look at Komaeda, hands clenching and unclenching uncertainly. “I…I thought a lot about it. But it’s still hard to talk,”

Komaeda simply smiled at him and Hinata flushed under his gaze, thinking of all the times that same smile had been directed at him. He shook his head and pushed that chain of thought out of his mind.

“I think I can understand why you were always so hesitant to talk about how you felt,” he started again, laughing a little awkwardly.

Komaeda took out a container from the basket and handed it to Hinata—there was rice in it, he realized. “Do you want to me to prompt you then?”

“Sort of like twenty questions?” he joked.

Komaeda flushed and looked away, and maybe he’d thought of the same thing as Hinata when he’d said that. “If that’s what you want it to be,”

Hinata waited, letting him know it was fine to ask.

“Alright,” Komaeda said after some thought “I think I don’t need to ask this but what I said about that old lady and her grandson…it upset you, didn’t it?”

Hinata ignored the sinking feeling in his chest. “Yeah. It reminded me of that day,”

“The earthquake?”

He nodded. “The earthquake,” the word felt foreign to him. He didn’t think he’d actually said it aloud before this, always pushing the thought back as far as he could, “I always keep thinking about that morning. Souda…he—”

His throat felt dry as he began to speak and so he stopped and took a deep breath. Komaeda waited patiently, his hands resting on his lap. He closed his eyes and almost saw the burning image behind his eyelids again, just like always.

“He died in front of my eyes, Komaeda,” he said, barley getting the words out.

His heart felt trapped in his chest and he took a deep breath.

Komaeda didn’t speak for a while and his face was pale. He bit his lip when he looked at Hinata.

“I— I had no idea you were in the school too,” he said, dropping his hands to his side.

Hinata tried to laugh but it was forced. “I was there when the police came to raid the school. I tried to warn Souda but I was too late,” he swallowed “I wish I’d been there earlier. If I’d helped him out we might have—”

Komaeda’s hand was on his, pressing harshly and stopping him midsentence. Hinata thought his voice might have been shaking a little as he’d spoken, and his heart hammered painfully in his chest.

“It’s not your fault it happened when it did, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said, his hair flying erratically as he shook his head “There’s nothing any of us could have done to change it.”

Hinata looked down at their hands. Komaeda’s pale white fingers wrapped tightly over his clenched fist and he opened them, feeling his palm sting where his nails had been biting into the skin.

He swallowed “It’s unfair, Komaeda,” he said “Why did I get to live while he didn’t?”

Only the difference of a few steps and his life might have ended differently too.

Komaeda smiled ruefully. “Life doesn’t favor everyone equally,” he said, his fingers tracing the top of his hand “But we can’t curse it for that.”

“So that means I just keep on living like this?” he asked, laughing dryly “Even when I don’t want to?”

A brief flash of hurt passed through Komaeda and his grip on his hand tightened. The packet of rice they had in front of them was turning cold but neither of them cared to eat.

“I can’t say I knew Souda-kun very well,” Komaeda sighed “But I don’t think he would have wanted to see you like this,”

“I don’t think I was a very good friend to him. I let him go to the rallies even though I could have stopped him.”

Komaeda caught a stray leaf in his free hand and twisted it between his fingers—round and round like a pinwheel.

“I don’t think he would have stopped just because of that. All of us had our own hopes and dreams,”

“And look what came out of that,” he laughed “I’m here and he’s not,”

“We all make mistakes that we regret, Hinata-kun,”

“I know…I know,” he sighed in defeat “It’s just something I think about at times. About what could have happened if I had stopped him earlier.”

They were silent for a while, and Hinata knew he couldn’t expect an answer from Komaeda. Somehow, the wistful look he had on his face was answer enough—each of them had their own regrets and sorrows that no one else could hope to understand.

“Do you regret the past too, Komaeda?” he asked cautiously. He knew the answer already—he had his own burdens to carry.

Komaeda smiled. _Of course I do._

“Leaving my mother here when I was the only one she had,” he said lightly, pretending. “Leaving _you_ ,”

Hinata’s breath hitched and his hand felt uncomfortably warm where the two of them were linked, steady and unwavering.

“I don’t blame you for that anymore. And I don’t think Ritsuko-san does either,” he said, eyes drifting towards the city down below, awash with so many lives, so many stories. So many _regrets_.

Komaeda laughed, “But still, it’s not so easy to put aside feelings of guilt, is it? I wish I could have been a better son…and a better lover to you,” he flushed, the tips of his ears turning red.

Warmth rushed to Hinata’s face and he tried, and failed, to keep his lips from twitching into the ghost of a smile. He expected memories to come to him, and they did, but unlike all the times before, he could only think of the days they’d spent together with each other, smiling and laughing. The bad memories and the regrets seemed far away for once.

Komaeda was looking at him through the corner of his eye, face still red and a curious smile on his lips. Hinata knew he should have said something but he couldn’t think of anything except how he’d already known in some corner of his mind, that Komaeda had been thinking about it too, all this time. And that all this time, he had been lying.

But that didn’t matter anymore.

“Are you thinking about it again?” Komaeda asked, his voice small “About what I said back then?”

“I can’t help it, you know,” he said, looking down at the grass and picking at it nervously. It was impossible to forget.

Komaeda laughed, moving a little so they were facing each other. He was still only looking at him from the side, barely glancing at him and Hinata mimicked the gesture, not sure why he was suddenly so nervous.

“I’m a horrible liar,”

Hinata nodded. “You are. But it didn’t make things easier for me either way,”

“I promised to be more honest with you but look where that brought us,” he gestured vaguely towards their hands.

A laugh escaped Hinata at the thought of how innocently platonic it was for them to be sitting together like this, only their hands linking them together.

“I think you _were_ being honest. In your actions if not your words,” and, almost subconsciously, Hinata touched his lips with the tips of his fingers, thinking of the feel of Komaeda’s lips on his. The searing hot touch and the feeling of love that still dwelled in his chest, buried under so many other feelings.

Komaeda was looking at him now and Hinata realized, with some alarm, that there were barely a few inches between them. Komaeda swallowed.

“I really liked you, Hinata-kun,” he said, just above a whisper “I think you knew that even if you didn’t stop me.”

“I—I know,” Hinata felt inconsolably sad as he spoke “Are you mad at me for that?”

Komaeda frowned. “Maybe a little? But it’s not like I would have stayed,”

“I know— but it made me sad that you left the way you did,”

“I don’t blame you for anything but it makes me happy that you at least knew of my feelings,” Komaeda looked up at the sky, and then at him, full of expectation.

Hinata’s heart stammered painfully in his chest and he could only think of how much regret they had both been piling up in their chests. They had kept it locked in their hearts and all it did was hurt those around them.

His throat felt dry as he spoke. “We’ve hurt each other a lot,”

“But we had a lot of fun too, didn’t we?” he was a little sad as he said it. “It was easy to forget we were just two seventeen year old boys.”

“It might have been the happiest time of my life,” Hinata said, remembering their walks to school, the two of them, Souda and Kuzuryuu. “All of us together.”

“Do you think you want that happiness again, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked, and he looked almost childlike in the way he shyly smiled, his fingers finding their way between Hinata’s. “At least some of it.”

Hinata couldn’t bring himself to look away and he swallowed thickly. He didn’t think Komaeda would be the one to talk about it, and somehow the very thought made his heartbeat speed up in answer.

“Is that what you want, Komaeda?”

“I just want you to be happy,”

“Even if that means we’re rushing into things again?” he asked, looking away “It’s only going to hurt you.”

Komaeda smiled, letting go of his hand but not entirely. Their fingertips still brushed and he felt a tingle just underneath his skin. He wished he could hold his hand again but something held him back.

“Are you just saying that because you think you don’t _deserve_ to be happy?”

Hinata looked away, but he didn’t deny it. Going back to the past—it wasn’t something Hinata had thought about wanting. He remembered Matsuda’s words, and how even now, he still clung to Komaeda like this, wishing hopelessly for them to go back to the days when nothing had been as difficult.

He couldn’t answer, and Komaeda looked a little sad when their eyes met.

“That’s fine then,” he said, and Hinata was sure he heard the way his voice wavered for a fraction of a second “I’ll still be here for you regardless.”

Hinata felt his heart sink a little at the thought. They couldn’t go back to the way it was, even if they both wanted it.

“Even if we’re not always together?”

Komaeda twined his pinky finger around Hinata’s and nodded. “Even then, Hinata-kun. I promise.”

\---

_19 th June, 1925_

Kuzuryuu huffed as he put his bag down at the entrance of the small hotel right on the outskirts of Nikko. The air was cool and pleasant and everything that should have calmed him down but only made him antsier. He could imagine why Hinata had run to this city, of all places, and he wondered if it would be easy to find him.

“No such thing as that, I bet,” he said, spitting on the ground once and walking in. He could look tomorrow, he thought. For now, he’d just have to trust Usami’s words and hope for the best.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've given up all pretense of claiming that this fic will update regularly and I'm incredibly sorry about that. Hopefully the next chapters will take less time  
> This chapter was initially going to be much longer and I was planning on breaking it into two but then I decided to do away with some of the scenes so it stays to a bare minimum. Maybe some day I'll just make a compilation of all the deleted scenes and put them up lol  
> Thanks for reading


	29. Haze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Better to have slept  
> Care-free, than to keep vain watch  
> Through the passing night,  
> Till I saw the lonely moon  
> Traverse her descending path.  
> -Lady Akazome Emon

_30th June, 1925_   
_15th Year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata watched Kuzuryuu glare at the bottle of sake in front of them. All three of them waited in silence for someone to speak and Hinata decided he wasn’t going to be the one to do it.

“How have you been, Kuzuryuu-kun?” Komaeda asked “It’s been so long. What a surprise to find you in the market of all places!”

Kuzuryuu fidgeted and so did Hinata. He had a feeling he knew why Kuzuryuu was here and he felt dread pool in the pit of his stomach.

“I’m fine,” he said.

“And Pekoyama-san?”

Kuzuryuu flushed. “She’s fine too.”

Hinata sighed. He remembered when he’d seen him last, worried about Pekoyama, a woman who remained a mystery to him even now. All he knew was that she was someone he deeply cared for.

“I’m glad she’s fine,” Hinata said “You were worried about her, weren’t you?”

He was met with a grunt in reply. Hinata’s cheeks stung with the feeling of being ignored.

“So…” Komaeda began again, desperately trying to keep the conversation going “Is there a reason you brought us here?”

Kuzuryuu coughed and picked up a glass. “I don’t normally drink,”

Hinata nodded, as did Komaeda. “Neither do I,” they both said in unison and then looked at the cups resting in front of them, avoiding the other’s eyes.

“I’ll make an exception for tonight,” he said, pouring himself a cup “Because I don’t think I’ll be able to spit it out without it.”

Hinata accepted the bottle that was offered to him and he smiled to himself at the irony of it all. Of all the people he knew, he hadn’t expected Kuzuryuu to be the one offering him a drink at a parlor. Komaeda took a sip from his glass and Hinata followed him, letting the warm liquid slide down his throat.

He could already feel a buzz within his body and he looked at Kuzuryuu, only to find him staring hard at the drink in his hand, a pensive look on his face.

“So…” Hinata began “What brought you here?”

Kuzuryuu shrugged “I just wanted to talk to you.”

“So you came all the way to _Nikko_ for it?”

“You’re no different,” Kuzuryuu raised an eyebrow “Why else would you come to the same place as Komaeda?”

Komaeda placed a hand on the table. He was smiling “We’re fine now, Kuzuryuu-kun. Hinata-kun just wanted to relax here for a while.”

At this, Kuzuryuu stared at Hinata, giving him a long and hard look that Hinata couldn’t read. He gulped and took another sip.

“I did use that as an excuse I guess,” he said. There was no point in hiding it “But it’s true that I wanted to talk to Komaeda. About a lot of things.”

Kuzuryuu took a sip of his drink and shuddered at the taste. “Well, it’s your business so I won’t pry. I have a lot of things I want to talk about with you, too.”

The look Kuzuryuu had on his face was one that Hinata hadn’t seen before. He felt a pang of guilt when their eyes met and he was scared. Had he come here to talk about Souda?

He kept his eyes averted as he spoke. “I-Is that so?”

Kuzuryuu nodded, slowly placing his cup down on the table. His eyes never left Hinata’s face and he braced himself for the angry spiel that would follow.

Instead, Kuzuryuu placed both hands on the table, loud enough that Komaeda jumped a little in surprise and Hinata’s heart started pounding in his chest.

“I’m sorry!” he exclaimed.

Hinata blinked. “Eh?”

Kuzuryuu’s head was still bowed, his hands splayed on the table. “We haven’t talked at all since you visited…in jail,” he said quietly and Hinata looked around cautiously, afraid that people would take note of the noise he was making “I’m sorry about the shit I said.”

Hinata hadn’t expected Kuzuryuu to apologize and he quickly gestured for him to sit normally again. “Ah, it’s alright,” he said, tapping his foot against the table’s side in nervousness “I know you were just trying to deal with it the way you knew.”

Kuzuryuu flushed. “Doesn’t excuse me for being an asshole. I wasn’t the only one who was suffering at that time.”

Komaeda moved just the slightest so that his hand was touching Hinata’s—a gesture of support. Hinata smiled and let the touch stay. He wasn’t going to avoid talking about it now.

He sighed “Souda was my friend too.”

“I know…I’m sorry,” Kuzuryuu said again, head still lowered.

“I’m telling you it’s fine!” Hinata said, leaning across the table to punch Kuzuryuu’s arm lightly.

“We should have talked more. About him,” now that Kuzuryuu was finally looking at them, his hands fumbled messily with the cup he had in his hand. He took a huge gulp and his cheeks were already flushed a deep red. “How’ve you been holding up?”

“I’m fine” he said almost on impulse, and when he cast a glance at Komaeda, he saw the boy give him an irritated look. Kuzuryuu raised an eyebrow.

Of course they both knew.

“Okay,” he coughed “That was a lie.”

“No kidding.”

Hinata’s face tingled with warmth and he heaved a weary sigh, taking a sip of the wine and poking at the sides of the cup.

“I’ve been better lately,” he tried “But I don’t think Souda would have been happy to see me the way I am now.”

Kuzuryuu chuckled. “Who needs Souda to tell you that? Even I can tell you’ve been wasting away.”

Hinata bristled. He was _trying_ to be open about his feelings and Kuzuryuu still had to mock him.

“Ah? And you, Kuzuryuu?” he asked, letting irritation creep into his voice “How have you been dealing with all of this?”

Kuzuryuu, unexpectedly, laughed at that and his voice echoed loudly in the small parlor room they were sitting in. Hinata was glad they were the only ones in the room—no one appreciated loud drunks.

When he stopped, his cheeks were even darker red than they had been but his eyes were still clear. He frowned at his cup.

“Probably no better than you,” he said “I kept thinking about how it’s my fault he died in the first place.”

Komaeda leaned forward, a curious look on his face.

“Because he joined the movement and you didn’t stop him?”

Kuzuryuu coughed. “Yeah.”

Komaeda smiled ruefully and his eyes were sympathetic. Both of you feel the same way, the look said. And Hinata nodded subconsciously at how right he was.

“It wasn’t your fault,” Hinata said, knowing how odd the words felt on his tongue. “I feel—I feel the same way even though I know it’s wrong to think like that.”

Kuzuryuu shrugged, resting his head on the back of his chair. “I know it’s not my fault. Whatever was bound to happen, happened,” he said and his voice was low “I couldn’t have stopped him even if I’d tried.”

Hinata remained silent. He couldn’t help but think how similar the two of them were. Still stuck in the past, endlessly running in circles over the same guilt they both felt for their friend. He couldn’t bring himself to say anything when he didn’t have much to say. There were no words that could console either of them.

Komaeda heaved a sigh as he looked at the two of them. The cup in his hands was still full and Hinata wondered if he’d even taken a single sip. He still looked pale as always and Hinata almost told him to drink some so the two of them wouldn’t be the only ones looking drunk.

“I don’t think Souda-kun would have blamed either of you for what happened,” he said.

“I know,” Hinata nodded “But it’s still hard to put it aside entirely.”

Kuzuryuu, who had been looking at the two of them with a frown on his face, suddenly groaned and put his cup down on the table. It made a loud crack and Hinata feared he’d broken it.

“It’s like looking into a fucking mirror,” Kuzuryuu said in a tired voice. “You’re acting just like I used to.”

Hinata frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I’m going to be head of the Yakuza one day and look at me,” he gestured to himself, cheeks flushed and hair disheveled. “Not even able to get over the death of one guy,”

Kuzuryuu looked pitiful as he said it, eyes downcast and hands shaking slightly. He was the heir of an entire yakuza clan but in the end he was still the same as the rest of them. No amount of preparation could really have readied him for this.

“He was your best friend. It’s to be expected,” Hinata said.

Kuzuryuu shook his head and Hinata was surprised to see that he was smiling grimly. “Here’s the thing. You can only grieve for so long,” he said “After that, it’s just pathetic. You think he would have wanted that?”

Hinata’s cheeks stung. He was reminded me of how much time he’d spent mulling over the same thing, having no aspirations and not wanting to live. He knew how wrong it was now, to waste the time he’d been given in this world.

He looked down, at his hands that were still young and coarse from work. He was still full of life, even if he barely felt it. “I know…I think I can understand now.”

“No one’s asking you to forget anything, not even the guilt you feel,” Kuzuryuu said, and his voice shook as he spoke. Hinata felt as if he was talking to himself more than to him, but he still took in each of his words with care. “Even if you feel like shit about it, you’ve still got to wipe that frown off your face.”

Hinata smiled. “That sounds like something Souda would say.”

Kuzuryuu looked at him in surprise, as if he’d said something that he’d wanted to hear. He smiled at him and Hinata realized it might have been the most genuine smile he’d ever seen on his face.

“I’ve known Souda for way longer than you have and I don’t think he would have liked seeing us like this,”

Hinata nodded, letting Kuzuryuu talk. He was fine with just listening and it made his heart feel lighter to know he wasn’t alone.

“I’m sure Souda-kun would have been happy to see you two getting along so well,” Komaeda said, smiling fondly.

Kuzuryuu scoffed “If he’d been here I bet he would have smacked us for being so pathetic.”

Hinata laughed at the thought of it. “I can actually imagine that.”

“I’m right aren’t I?” Kuzuryuu grinned.

Hinata smiled, feeling warm at the sight of two of his friends sitting next to him. In some corner of his heart, he’d already expected never to experience such a thing again and knowing he’d been wrong, it almost felt unreal.

Something itched in the back of his eyes and he wiped at them before either of them could see.

“You’re a kind person, Kuzuryuu,” he said, hoping his voice wouldn’t shake. It did, but he decided to let it go for now.

“O-Oi what’s this about being kind?” Kuzuryuu yelled, cheeks flushed “I’m the head of a Yakuza clan!”

Komaeda laughed “And yet you came all the way here to talk to Hinata-kun didn’t you?”

“Couldn’t leave him to mope here could I?” his arms were folded across his chest and he didn’t look at Hinata. “It’s the least I can do.”

Hinata looked at him and smiled. He reached out and touched Kuzuryuu’s hand so that he’d look at him.

“I think we should have talked earlier, Kuzuryuu. We both felt the same way.”

“You’re right,” he sighed, “Talking about Souda—it’s fun now isn’t it?”

Hinata gave it some thought. “It doesn’t really make me feel bad,”

Kuzuryuu nodded wisely, looking almost proud at the response.

Komaeda grinned, patting Hinata’s arm and nodding to Kuzuryuu. “That means you’re both finally moving on aren’t you?”

“Pretty late don’t you think?” Hinata said.

Kuzuryuu simply shrugged. “At least it’s a start.”

Hinata nodded, eyes still prickling with tears. His heart swelled at the thought of how far they’d come since that day, and how far they still had to go. At least they were moving on now, and the thought didn’t make him feel guilty in the slightest.

Souda would have wanted this, he reminded himself as he looked at his friends talking and laughing just like they used to.

Hinata smiled, held the cup in his hands and took a swig.

\---

“This may be a sake house,” the owner of the parlor said, barely keeping his voice level “But that doesn’t mean I appreciate drunks who can’t even behave properly!”

Komaeda heaved a begrudging sigh and pinched the bridge of his nose. He cast an irritated glance towards Kuzuryuu and Hinata, who were now hugging each other, eyes brimming with tears. They were loud about it too and he smiled apologetically to the owner.

“I’m really sorry about this,” he said, taking out his wallet and handing him a few notes “I really hope you’ll be able to forget about this. They’re not usually this loud.”

The owner seemed to have forgotten his anger the moment Komaeda had handed him the money—he’d expected as much—and he waved his hands dismissively. “I think you should take them home, don’t you think, sir?”

Komaeda nodded, already regretting having come here. He was a grown adult, but he wasn’t sure he’d be able to drag two drunks back to their homes.

The owner was kind enough to realize that, and he helped Komaeda separate his friends from each other. Kuzuryuu let out a frustrated whine and clung to Komaeda instead, clearly not aware of he who he was anymore. Komaeda thought this might be the most Kuzuryuu had ever touched him—he rather wished it was Hinata in his place but he didn’t protest.

“Come now, Kuzuryuu-kun,” he said in a voice as soothing as he could manage “I think it’s about time we got you back to the hotel.”

Kuzuryuu managed to shrug and when he opened his mouth so speak, Komaeda’s nose was bombarded with a strong whiff of alcohol. How much had he even drunk?

“Oi…I was still talking to Hinata,” he said lazily “We were talking about that bastard.”

“Hinata-kun isn’t going anywhere, you know,” Komaeda answered, casting a glance towards Hinata who was still seated in his chair, looking a little disconcerted but a lot better than Kuzuryuu. “You can talk to him tomorrow!”

“Tomorrow? Really?”

Komaeda nodded, taking the opportunity to pull him to his feet and dragging his half limp body to the front entrance.

“Hinata-kun will be waiting for you, don’t worry.” he said.

Kuzuryuu groaned in reply and Komaeda took that as a sign of yielding in. He quickly motioned for the owner of the shop to open the door for him and stepped out, relieved to be greeted by fresh air again. His nose was still burning from the foul stench of alcohol and he prayed the walk to the hotel wouldn’t be as agonizing as he anticipated.

“Hinata-kun, I’ll be back in a while alright?” he called out “Wait for me right here.”

Hinata nodded, giving him a thumbs-up in acknowledgment. Komaeda swallowed and looked away, dragging Kuzuryuu away with him so that he wouldn’t have to think of his flushed cheeks and endearing smile anymore.

The walk wasn’t long and Komaeda was silently thankful for it. Kuzuryuu kept struggling on the way and it was all Komaeda could do to not give in and just abandon him at the side of the road for someone else to find. He was light but most of his body weight pushed him down and his constant complaining didn’t do much to alleviate any discomfort.

“Oi! Watch where you’re touching you asshole!” Kuzuryuu yelled at one point when they were almost in sight of the hotel. The small incline made Komaeda wheeze and maybe that’s why his grip on Kuzuryuu’s arm had tightened. “I’ll rip your head off and mount it on my wall if you’re not careful.”

Komaeda felt the last shreds of his patience waning but he still tried to smile. “Is that so?”

“I’m a yakuza! Better…remember that,” he was panting too and Komaeda took that as a small comfort. Maybe he wasn’t the only one who was lagging behind in physical fitness.

He didn’t answer him as they finally arrived at the hotel. The clerk standing at the front door jumped up in alert when he saw Komaeda dragging behind a drunken Kuzuryuu and he helped him into the lobby.

“I’m sure you’ll be able to get to your room at least, Kuzuryuu-kun?” he asked, letting go of his hold on him.

Kuzuryuu took a few staggering steps towards him and then nodded. He placed a clumsy hand on his shoulder and smirked.

“The heir of the Kuzuryuu clan will never forget this,” he drawled, still smiling in a way that made Komaeda want to stomp out of the hotel without any reply “Maybe…if you want to join the clan I could—”

Komaeda raised a hand to stop him and quickly stepped out of his way. “That’s quite alright. _Really_ ,” he said “I think it’s about time I left.”

“Won’t you even consider—?”

“I don’t think the yakuza life is for me,”

Kuzuryuu opened his mouth to protest again but Komaeda was already running out of the building before he could speak. He wanted to laugh and be barely stifled the urge to do so as he ran down the slope and the road that led back to the sake house.  

Hinata was waiting for him outside the entrance, knees pulled to his chest. He rocked to and fro and Komaeda immediately thought of a child, waiting for his mother so pick him up.

“What’re you doing out here, Hinata-kun?” he asked, leaning down to extend a hand to him “You could have waited in the parlor room.”

Hinata pouted exaggeratedly, ignoring his hand. “The parlor was boring. I didn’t like it there,”

Komaeda laughed and waved the hand in front of him so that he wouldn’t avoid it again. “Is that so?” he asked “Was the view out here more entertaining then?”

“You’re a jerk, Komaeda,” Hinata said, finally taking his hand. It was warm, and as he stood up, Komaeda noticed how difficult it was for him to maintain his balance.

He didn’t look as drunk as Kuzuryuu had, but his flushed cheeks and barely kept balance were enough to tell him he might have passed out right there.

“Let’s get you home alright?” he said, not letting go of Hinata’s hand.

Hinata huffed in reply, letting him take his hand as they began to walk. The streets were quiet and only a few people milled about. None of them took much notice of the two of them as they walked hand in hand, and maybe it was because Hinata was inebriated, but it did comfort Komaeda to be by his side.

“The night seems so peaceful, doesn’t it?” he said, not sure if Hinata would be listening.

“I can’t see any stars,” Hinata whined, inching just a little closer to Komaeda. Their shoulders were already touching and his heart fluttered.

“Do you like the stars, Hinata-kun?”

“I try counting them…sometimes,”

Komaeda thought he’d heard him say something like that before. “When you can’t sleep?”

“Sometimes.”

“And what are the other times?”

Hinata was silent for a while and Komaeda wondered if he’d already forgotten his question.

He looked at him and Komaeda noticed how he only glanced at him from the corner of his eye. “When—when I’m thinking of you.”

Komaeda’s breath caught in his throat. “O-Oh,”

They were silent again and Komaeda wished he hadn’t spoken at all.

“I didn’t know you were so honest when you’re drunk.”

“At least I’m honest _sometime_ , aren’t I?”

“Is that a jab, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked, laughing “I don’t have any secrets from you.”

Hinata stumbled a little just then, and Komaeda instinctively grabbed his arm to support him. They were standing close, enough that he could feel Hinata’s warm presence like a blanket around them. His heartbeat stuttered and he looked at the ground, praying nothing would come of this.

“You do,” Hinata whispered, placing a hand on his chest “About what matters the most.”

Komaeda opened and closed his mouth, unable to say anything. The silence seemed to draw out before them and Komaeda knew he should have said something but all he could think of was how much Hinata knew but pretended not to.

Hinata huffed and leaned back, letting Komaeda release a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. He couldn’t remember what they’d been talking about and he silently cursed himself for ever taking him out to drink. It was as if he was being tried for things he had no control over, and he wished he could curse his fate for making life so difficult for him.

Hinata was pouting again, as if he’d remembered something unexpectedly morose, and they walked the rest of the way in silence. Komaeda’s feet ached, and Hinata’s steps felt less steady the closer they got to his home.

His own house was closer, only a few feet away, and he looked at Hinata in question.

“Are you sure you can walk the entire way back home?” he asked, feeling a little sly for saying it in such a way “You look a little unsteady.”

Hinata attempted to shrug but his entire body looked like it was sagging, leaning onto Komaeda’s side for support. “I—I dunno,”

 Komaeda struggled—looking at his house and then at Hinata, who looked ready to fall any second—and made a decision. He pushed back the feelings of uncertainty that rose within his chest and grabbed Hinata’s wrist. It would be cruel to make him walk all the way to his own house.

“Come home with me, Hinata-kun,” he said, hating the way his voice felt high strung and nervous. He was just asking him to rest there and yet he felt as nervous as if he was asking for something more.

Hinata frowned for a second, and then nodded, his free hand holding onto Komaeda’s sleeve. “Okay,” he said, sounding breathless “Take me there.”

The remaining few steps felt like miles away and all Komaeda could feel was the acute warmth in his chest, in his fingers where they held onto Hinata’s wrist, and under his skin. Hinata was uncharacteristically quiet as he quietly slid open the front door and stepped in.

They were careful to take off their shoes without making much sound and Komaeda didn’t let go of Hinata for fear that he would stumble. His mother was asleep, he knew—it was hours past midnight already.

Hinata knew his way around his house well enough, but he let himself be led along, towards the room they kept empty for visitors that never came. It used to be his grandfather’s, but now it was just vacant, barely containing any belongings of his.

Hinata stopped and Komaeda turned around to look at him in confusion.

“I don’t want to sleep there,” he said softly, eyes staring ahead. “I—I don’t like it.”

Komaeda flushed. “If it’s about the futons, we already aired them out Hinata-kun. They’re as clean as the ones in my room.”

“Then why not take me to your room?” he was frowning again.

He took a deep breath, heart caught in his throat. “Are you sure about that? It might get a little cramped.”

Hinata pulled his arm “It’s okay…we’re just going to sleep,”

The thought of sleeping with Hinata wasn’t something he’d entertained as they’d walked back home, but now he couldn’t help thinking of it. There was only one futon, small enough that if they had to lie down, their bodies would have touched. His throat felt unbearably dry as he looked at him, curious as he waited.

He swallowed and led Hinata in to the place where they always sat and talked. Suddenly, the room seemed alien— like it wasn’t his anymore. It didn’t matter where they were, all he could think of was how expectantly Hinata was looking at him, eyes bright.

“The futon’s already laid out,” he said uselessly. It was plain enough for anyone to see.

Hinata didn’t let go of his hand as he walked towards it in slow, clumsy steps. Komaeda found himself wavering, wanting to follow Hinata but also wishing he could have run away.

“I think you should sleep here,” he said quickly “I’ll be fine in my grandfather’s room.”

Hinata stopped, turning around to look at Komaeda. He looked sullen and his cheeks were puffed just the slightest.

“Don’t go,” he said, almost like a plea. His eyes were glistening with tears and he was sure it was because he was already drunk but it didn’t make it any easier for him to meet his eyes.

He ended up following Hinata to the futon in reluctant steps, silently cursing himself for being so weak to the boy who held his hand. Hinata heaved a sigh as he sat down, tracing his finger over the sheet and curling his fingers in it to hold onto. Komaeda sat a little away, watching him as he rested his head on his pillow.

Komaeda pushed him onto the soft sheets so that he was lying down, his other hand still held between Hinata’s fingers.

“You need to sleep, Hinata-kun,” he sighed, waiting for him to release the hold on his wrist.

He tried to get up but Hinata’s hold on him tightened and the skin under his wrist felt unbearably hot. “You’re leaving me again.”

He frowned. “Is that why you were mad at me earlier?”

“You left me alone,” Hinata whined, eyebrows drawn close together “I wanted to be with you.”

“I won’t go anywhere, you know,” Komaeda managed to say. He couldn’t find his tongue cooperating with him and it took all his effort to speak. He didn’t want to stay—it was dangerous “It’s just the other room,”

Hinata was quiet for a while, looking at him with an intensity that made him want to look away. He was aware of how hard, almost painfully so, his heart was beating against his chest.

“Can I trust you?” Hinata asked “You won’t run away again?”

Komaeda’s heart sank a little in his chest. “I won’t, Hinata-kun.”

 Hinata didn’t look convinced. “Is it that bad to stay with me?”

 “It’s—I don’t think it’s appropriate.”

He knew Hinata was pouting again, glaring a little as he looked at him. Komaeda could understand why he’d react like that, but he couldn’t bring himself to calm down.

“We’re just sleeping,” Hinata said, gesturing towards himself as he was, lying on the futon, hair disheveled and cheeks flushed. If it had been any other moment, Komaeda might have allowed himself to stare. “See?”

Hinata was right, they would just be sleeping together and nothing more—two friends who had just gone out for a drink and come back tired. He wasn’t sure, then, why his entire body felt like it was on alert, wishing to run away and wishing to be closer to him at the same time. No matter how much he tried to convince himself, he still wanted to be with Hinata as more than just this. Much, much more than this.

Hinata smiled just a little and pulled at his arm. Komaeda sighed and let himself be pulled down onto the bed that was far too cramped for the both of them. He could already feel himself giving up any protest he had in him.

His arms were bent oddly and he tried to move but all it did was make him come into even closer contact with him. He heaved a tired sigh and accepted defeat.

“You make things so difficult,” he whispered, loud enough for the both of them.

Hinata hummed in satisfaction, placing a hand on his arm. “You’re still here though,”

Komaeda moved so that he was facing him and smiled. “I am,” he said “You’re really a handful, Hinata-kun.”

“But you still care about me,” he sounded smug as he said it, but he was looking straight at him.

Of course, Hinata knew it was the truth and Komaeda didn’t feel like lying.

“I do,” he managed to say. Hinata wouldn’t remember this in the morning, he hoped. “More than you can imagine.”

Hinata smiled, childlike in how carefree it was, baring a flash of teeth. “Me too, Komaeda. I care about you a lot,”

Komaeda’s body felt warm, flooded with an odd feeling that made him feel both breathless and relieved. He looked at Hinata, taking in the sight of the boy lying next to him, so close that if he’d dared to, he could have closed the distance between them in a heartbeat.

He wished he could—but he stayed where he was with one arm pressed to Hinata’s chest and the other at his side.

“You’re going to get up, aren’t you?” Hinata asked, a little disappointed.

Komaeda felt a pang of guilt. He’d done it before, hadn’t he? In a situation so similar to this, both of them lying so close on a single futon with no one but each other.

He laughed. “Only after you’ve fallen asleep.”

He could see Hinata trying to make sense of what that meant. “Can we stay like this until then?”

“If that’s what you want,”

Hinata hummed in agreement, still smiling as he looked at him. Komaeda found himself mimicking the gesture and letting himself enjoy just being by his side for now.

“Close your eyes, Hinata-kun,” he said, reaching out a hand to trace the lines of his face with his fingertips, moving them slowly towards his eyelids. “You’re tired.”

His skin was warm and soft, just as he remembered it, and Hinata’s hand found its way to the same place, cupping it over Komaeda’s and holding it there. Komaeda swallowed, finding it hard to look away.

“It’s unfair,” Hinata whispered “You close them too.”

He nodded quickly and closed his eyes, letting Hinata’s fingers gently brush over his eyelids in a way that made Komaeda almost forget how to breathe.

“I think I can see stars…” Hinata mumbled after a heartbeat of silence.

Komaeda shuffled closer. “Hmm?”

“Behind my eyes,” he said—a sweet little smile on his lips, so full of wonder “Can you see them too?”

Hinata was rambling, Komaeda realized and his heart swelled.

“I do,” he said, entertaining him. “They’re beautiful, aren’t they?”

Hinata sighed in contentment, arms going slack as sleep overcame him. He’d always been quick to sleep when he was tired and Komaeda let his hand stay where it was, tracing circles on his cheek.

Komaeda was warm all over, happy and content to just stay like this with both of them touching just enough. He smiled to himself as he opened his eyes again, watching Hinata as he slept so peacefully, eyes closed and his chest rising and falling slowly.

He felt like he was cheating by opening his eyes, but he couldn’t bring himself to look away.  

“Hey, Hinata-kun?” he asked softly, knowing he couldn’t hear him anymore “When you go back—” he swallowed “When you go back, will you still look at the stars and think of me?”

Hinata didn’t answer and for now Komaeda was content with just that. He didn’t want to think of the inevitable—of a time when Hinata would have to go back while he stayed here— and he didn’t want to ruin the memory he would make of this moment so he closed his eyes too, and let sleep overwhelm him for just a little while. He could leave after that—the night was still young.

When they’d wake up in the morning, Komaeda promised himself he’d take him to see the real stars, away from all the lights and sounds of the world, just the two of them and a sky full of glitter.

He imagined Hinata would like that.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was initially going to name this chapter sake because "haha!!! im so punny !!!"
> 
> Anyway! I hope you enjoyed the update! I just really love the idea of drunk Hinata being a smol little child and making life hell for komaeda haha  
> Thank you for reading, we're finally done with most of Hinata's recovery arc. Not much of the story is left now, rejoice!


	30. Rouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If I see that bridge   
> That is spanned by flights of magpies   
> Across the arc of heaven   
> Made white with a deep-laid frost,   
> Then the night is almost past.   
> -Otomo no Yakamochi

_30th June, 1925  
15th Year of the Taisho Era_

Hinata’s head hurt. As he got up from the futon, his entire body buzzed and ached with the feeling and he wondered dazedly what exactly he was doing in Komaeda’s room when the boy was nowhere in sight. He couldn’t remember anything except that he had drank a lot last night, and that now he was suffering for it.

He left the room, feeling disconcerted and lost and found Komaeda and his mother sitting in the lounge. His mother was knitting something and Komaeda watched her patiently, eyes drawing slowly towards Hinata as he came and joined them.

Komaeda stood up abruptly. “Hinata-kun! You’re awake,”

Hinata opened his mouth to answer but all that left was a weak groan. His head was throbbing and the bright light in the room only worsened the ache.

“Oh your head still hurts,” Komaeda said, looking away in what Hinata could only assume was shyness “How about I get you something warm to drink?”

He ran out of the room before Hinata could protest. He wondered when Komaeda had learnt that warm tea always helped his headaches.

He cautiously sat down a few feet away from Komaeda’s mother and tried to smile.

“I think I should apologize for imposing on you,” he said, “I honestly don’t remember much from last night. I hope I didn’t cause you too much trouble.”

Ritsuko waved at him dismissively “Don’t worry about it,” she said “I was fast asleep and I’m sure Nagito didn’t think you were any trouble.”

He thought of how Komaeda had run out of the room before he could even say anything. He looked like he was avoiding him but he couldn’t understand why. He tried to push back the feelings of panic that rose within him at the thought that he might have said—or done— something careless to him.

“I wonder what he’s so jumpy about,” he said, pressing the bridge of his nose “He didn’t have to rush to make tea for me.”

Ritsuko laughed as she put down her knitting needles to the side. “Oh he gets like that sometimes,” she said “Let him be. He’s just worrying about you.”

 “He really doesn’t to fuss so much about me, Ritsuko-san.”

She was smiling now, in the same way his own mother often did, like she had something to tell but wouldn’t unless he asked.

“I’m sure he just wants to make sure you don’t feel neglected by him,” a small sigh left her as she said it “He’s too cautious.”

“But—we’re already friends. I don’t think he needs to worry about this so much,” he said “He’s always looking out for me,”

“He’s just being hard on himself. I’m sure you understand, Hinata-kun,”

“Does he still—” he stopped, wondering if it was alright to ask. Ritsuko nodded encouragingly “Does he still feel bad about not being by your side when you were ill? Is that why he worries so much?”

Ritsuko pressed her lips in a thin line. “He still thinks he has to make it up to me but I don’t think he understands.”

“Understand what?”

Ritsuko turned a little so that she was facing him. She had an odd look on her face that Hinata couldn’t understand. “Say, Hinata-kun,” she said instead of answering him “Do you like being fussed over by my son?”

Hinata flushed. Of course he liked it, but he couldn’t exactly tell her that, and something told him that wasn’t what she had meant anyway. He thought of how Komaeda would sometimes go out of his way to make sure he was feeling well, and how it made him feel just a little tired to see him exert himself like that.

“I—” he breathed, “I wish he’d look after himself more, to be honest.”

“He wasn’t always like this,”

Hinata thought of how he used to be in Tokyo. “I know,”

 “He isn’t happy here, Hinata-kun,” Ritsuko sighed tiredly and shook her head “But he doesn’t want to admit it to himself.”

“Do you really think so?”

She smiled sadly. “I’m his mother. The only times I’ve seen him truly happy are when he’s with you,”

Hinata wished he could hide the way his lips quirked up at that.

“I’m sure he enjoys being with you, Ritsuko-san,” he knew he had to deny it. There was no point in getting his hopes up, now “You don’t have to worry about him so much,”

“Hinata-kun,” she said, eyes piercing. He subconsciously straightened a little, headache forgotten “You’re going back to Tokyo, aren’t you?”

“Did—did Komaeda tell you I wasn’t staying her permanently?” he asked, feeling like a child unable to understand what she was trying to tell him. “I just wanted some time to think about things.”

“But you’ve decided, haven’t you?” she asked urgently “I’m sure Nagito’s already guessed too, but you need to tell him.”

Hinata flushed, suddenly feeling a heavy weight on his shoulders. He didn’t want to be the one to tell him he was leaving, but he knew he was the only one who could—it would be unfair to him if he didn’t.

Before he could have said anything, Komaeda returned, a tray in hand. He joined them, smiling as he always did, a little confused about what they’d been talking about. Hinata quickly turned away from Ritsuko, hoping he didn’t look like he was hiding something.

“I hope you weren’t bored while I was gone,” he said teasingly “I brought some tea.”

Hinata nodded quickly, taking the cup that was offered to him and giving one to Komaeda’s mother. Neither of them made to explain what they’d been talking about, and Komaeda didn’t ask either.

Hinata looked at the boy sitting in front of him, carefully swirling the tea in his own cup, and wondered what he was thinking.

\---

_7 th July, 1925_ _  
_15th Year of the Taisho Era__

The soles of Hinata’s feet felt like they were burning and he cursed himself for wearing sandals that were useless when walking long distances. He cast a weary glance towards Komaeda who was walking a few steps ahead of him, and smiled in relief because he seemed to be having a hard time too.

The shrubbery around them grew denser the higher up they went on the mountain and the air around them was thin. Azalea flowers dotted their surroundings and the shrubbery was thick, leaving only a single path for them to walk on.

He wiped the sweat from his brow and heaved a sigh. “I know I said we should go pray at a shrine for tanabata but did you really have to take me all the way up on Mount Nantai?”

Komaeda turned around and smiled a little, cheeks flushed red from exertion. “It’s a nice place, I’m sure you’ll like it.”

Hinata looked up at the evening sky that was overcast with grey clouds. “I don’t think we’ll be able to do much. It’s going to rain.”

“We’ll be there and back in no time! I don’t think it’ll rain just yet,” he said “And besides, don’t you want to know if Orihime and Hikoboshi will meet this year?”

 Hinata couldn’t deny that he was curious. Tanabata had always been a celebration he looked forward to, if only because the story of the two lovers interested him so much. Looking at the sky, he could only pray that it wouldn’t rain, even if it was hopeless to make such a wish.

“I’m tired,” he said halfheartedly, hoping Komaeda wouldn’t tease him about his childish curiosity.

Komaeda smiled knowingly in answer and they walked in silence until the air around them grew cold and somewhat damp. He could smell the rain in the air and he imagined it was only the matter of a few hours before the mountain and the path would get muddied with rain. It would have been the logical conclusion to head back home while they still could but neither of them made any comment about the worsening situation they were putting themselves in, and they both carried on, up and up the sleeping volcano that housed the shrine they were headed towards.

Hinata was just glad to be in his company for now, and maybe they could talk, he thought, about things that they both needed to talk about but couldn’t quite find the courage to. Komaeda had a lot of things on his mind too, he was sure.

By the time they reached the peak, Hinata was exhausted and his breathing came in pained gasps. Komaeda pushed the hair back from his forehead and gestured excitedly at their surroundings. A few meters away, he could see a small shrine hidden behind the trees, barely visible in the light of the sunset and they both walked towards it, taking in the misty green surroundings of the shrine enclosure and the neat, polished pillars of the building.

There were hardly any other visitors apart from the two of them and Hinata cast a withering glance at Komaeda—the two of them were probably the only ones clueless enough to walk out in this weather. A few people were seated at a table, handing out _tanzaku_ to each of the visitors to write their prayers on. He could see them taking their time to think about their wish before hanging on them on the bamboo trees up ahead.

“Let’s make a wish,” Hinata suggested, heading towards the table.

Komaeda pursed his lips and nodded, not really making any move to reply but following Hinata nevertheless. Hinata thought it was odd that he didn’t speak when he was the one who usually suggested such things in the first place.

A kindly old man handed them their strips and Hinata thanked him in reply. He turned to look at Komaeda in question, wondering where they should go now.

“I think there are a few more trees up ahead,” Komaeda said, pointing north with his finger “We should go there,”

Hinata shrugged and followed him, noting that it was already getting a little dark. A bare sliver of the moon could be seen in the sky, partly hidden behind clouds. He could see the North Star too, in the distance.

Komaeda was pouting a little as if he’d had something bad to eat and Hinata frowned in worry as they walked to the edge of the shrine hall where a few benches were lined up. Without a word, Komaeda sat down and heaved a sigh and Hinata joined him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked tentatively, noting that Komaeda’s mood seemed a lot gloomier than when they’d set out.

Komaeda smiled sadly. “It’s going to rain, isn’t it?”

“I already told you that,” Hinata laughed, “We should have stayed at home.”

“I really wanted to show you the stars, Hinata-kun. You said you liked looking at them.”

“Did I say that?”

“You did,” Komaeda said as he nudged him by the elbow “When you slept in my room.”

Hinata shuffled uncomfortably where he sat, finding the air suddenly a little too hot. “A-ah. That’s a little embarrassing.”

“The view from here is beautiful,” he said, pointing with his finger towards the darkening sky that showed barely any stars “You could have seen the Milky Way. Vega and Altair.”

Hinata felt a twinge of sadness for the separated lovers of lore. It would rain soon and that meant another year of waiting for both of them. “I don’t think the magpies can make a bridge for them this year.”

“It’s a little lonely, isn’t it?” Komaeda leaned back, balancing his body by the heels of his hands, “Orihime must be sitting on the banks of the river, waiting for him even if he won’t come.”

He thought of the princess, waiting for her husband to come for her, only to be met with rain that showed no signs of relenting. Somehow, Komaeda sitting beside him felt a little like her, staring longingly at the Milky Way blurred behind clouds.

“There’s always next year,” he said uselessly. A year spent alone, faintly hoping for the next to be kinder to them.

Komaeda laughed softly and stared at the colored piece of paper in his hand. “That’s three hundred and sixty five days of waiting,” he said, feigned cheerfulness clear in his voice “Do you think it’d be easy for either of them?”

It didn’t feel as if he was just talking about the lovers anymore and Hinata could guess what he was thinking—about parting and reuniting with people he cared about, about him going back to Tokyo. He had a feeling he’d always known, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel brave enough to say it.

“If—” he began, not sure why he felt so tongue tied “If they’ve truly loved each other for so long then it doesn’t matter how long they have to wait.”

“I think I’ve come to understand their feelings somewhat,” Komaeda said, smiling in a way that made it clear he could see right through him.

Hinata looked down at his hands, staring at the blank tanzaku and thinking of the wish he already knew he’d make. Komaeda caught his eye when he cast a sidelong glance in his direction and it was clear that he knew as well.

 “Did you figure out what you want to wish for?” Komaeda asked, prompting him and Hinata couldn’t bring himself to deny it.

“I—I think so. It’s always been the same wish.”

Komaeda aimlessly kicked the earth beneath his feet, sandal half dangling from his right foot. “About your future?”

The paper in his hands felt heavy “I think I’m ready to move on, Komaeda. I want to look forward to what’s in store for me.”

“Is that so?”

Hinata couldn’t bring himself to meet Komaeda’s eye as he spoke “I’m going back to Tokyo. I should have told you this sooner,”

A beat of silence followed and in the few seconds, Hinata felt his heartbeat loud in his ears, his face cold even in the summer heat. He wished he could look at Komaeda but he kept looking down, afraid of how he’d react.

“I sort of guessed anyway,” Komaeda said and Hinata couldn’t tell what he was thinking, smiling as he always was. “I think it’s great that you’ve found what you’ve always wanted.”

Hinata thought he heard a tinge of unhappiness in the way Komaeda said it, staring idly at the paper in his hand. It was blank even now and Komaeda deftly turned his hand, placing it to his side so Hinata wouldn’t be able to see. Hinata pretended he hadn’t seen as he regarded his own strip, tapping the pen he’d been given against it in thought.

He wrote down what came to him and Komaeda watched him silently, waiting for him to be done so that they could hang it on one of the trees that they’d float in the river later. It was a simple wish, to be able to walk forward without being held back, but it felt like a heavy burden to him suddenly. As if the presence of Komaeda was making him hesitate with what he’d always wanted.

Komaeda smiled as Hinata stood up suddenly, not wanting to think more about it anymore, but he made no move to take the pen from him.

“Your tanzaku,” Hinata began hesitantly, gesturing towards the pen in his hand “Don’t you want to write your wish too?”

Komaeda blinked, and then nodded mechanically, taking the pen from his hand and turning so that he couldn’t see what he was writing. As Hinata waited, he felt a cold gust of wind blow through the shrine, ringing the bells and rustling the leaves around them so that they whistled in the night. A stray drop of water fell into his eye the moment he tried to look up at the sky, making him squint and he heard Komaeda giggle.

“Looks like it’s raining,” he said, “I think we should put these up on the tree before it starts pouring.”

Hinata wanted to say that it wouldn’t be much use now, since the rain would probably soak the trees too but he didn’t protest. They both ran to the trees and tied their wishes to branches on the tree and Hinata noted that Komaeda made sure to keep his away from Hinata’s, at a low hanging branch that looked ready to fall off.

The clouds rumbled louder and the drops falling on them began to soak through their hair and clothes. Hinata felt the warmth of it on his skin and it was pleasant for now but he knew he’d come to hate it soon enough when the earth would grow muddy and his sandals would make it impossible for him to move.

He saw Komaeda cast a wary glance back towards the shrine entrance and then at Hinata. He smiled apologetically.

“It looks like we’re stuck here,” he said, gently patting Hinata’s back and motioning for him to hide under the shade of the shrine’s eaves. “I don’t like getting wet,”

“It’s fine for now but what do we do? I don’t think we can go back.”

Komaeda jerked a thumb towards the few visitors who were running out of the shrine enclosure to the town up ahead. He couldn’t see much in the darkness and the flickering lights of the lanterns but he assumed there would be better shelter there than where they currently stood.

“Why not go into town?” Hinata suggested “We might find a hotel to rest in until the rain dies out.”

Komaeda shrugged. “I’m sure it would be better than standing here and catching a cold.”

Hinata didn’t wait for further affirmation, and the two of them began running towards the town up ahead, hands trying in vain to keep their hair dry. Hinata blinked rapidly as the water went into his eyes and the pitter patter of the rain grew louder the further they ran. He could feel Komaeda’s presence at his side and his footsteps echoing in discord with his own.

The faint smell of sulfur entered his nose in a sudden whiff and Hinata coughed. Rain was still pouring but their surroundings seemed brighter now that they were standing in a clearing. A river flowed up ahead, and the two of them ran to the nearest building they saw—a ryokan.

He cast a cautious glance towards Komaeda, unsure if he’d agree to go in since the building seemed a little dinghy, but one look at his face was enough to make him head in without another word. Komaeda smiled thankfully, teeth chattering a little as he hugged himself.

In the brighter lighting of the inn, Hinata saw how badly he was shivering and how his clothes clung to his lean frame. He figured he didn’t look any better and coughed, hoping they weren’t an unwelcome presence in the surprisingly pristine interior of the building.

A receptionist ushered them in without a word, smiling welcomingly at both of them.

“Taking a break from the rain?” he asked in a cheerful voice, casting a one-over at their soaked figures “Would you like to rent a room?”

Hinata felt a prickle of heat in his face and he stumbled to answer but Komaeda was faster.

“We’ll rent a room for two,” he said in the voice he reserved for such occasions “I hope the bath’s still open.”

“Of course,” the clerk replied, handing him a key from the rack behind him. “You can go as soon as you wish,”

“Then we’ll take the bath first,” he said. “You’re coming aren’t you, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata nodded quickly, consciously aware of how wet he felt and how badly he just wanted to take off his clothes if only to feel a moment of dryness. He didn’t think just then, that Komaeda would be sharing the bath with him since it was a shared hot spring.

There were already a few men in the changing room and it helped calm his nerves as they stepped into the tiled room. A few of the lockers were already taken, stuffed full of clothing that seemed just as soaked as their own. Komaeda smiled at him and it looked both strained and embarrassed and Hinata felt himself smiling back in the same way, aware that he’d have to strip right there, in front of him.

He looked away and took a spot in the corner of the room where the towels were piled on top of each other, waiting to be used. Hinata tried not to cast furtive glances to his right where Komaeda stood, slowly undoing his obi in a careful, almost deliberate manner. He swallowed and traced the fabric of his own clothes, wishing he could have stayed in the rooms even if it meant being wet and cold.

 His yukata came off with some difficulty and it felt heavy in his hands as he quickly shoved them in the locker and grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist. He had a feeling he’d taken too long to change and when he turned back around, Komaeda was already waiting for him, an odd look on his face. Their eyes met for the barest flicker of a second before they both looked away, casting their gaze to the sticky, wet floor and their bare feet.

Komaeda coughed, following the direction of the people leaving the changing room to the bath ahead.

“We can go, Hinata-kun,” he said “If you’ve changed.”

Hinata nodded, trying to keep his eyes averted from Komaeda’s bare chest and the movement of his shoulder blades as he walked. He didn’t think it worked but Komaeda was polite enough to not say anything as they walked out of the room and into the steamy hot bath. The air around them was warm, and suddenly Hinata felt a little lightheaded as the rush of heat met his half wet, half dry body.

Komaeda entered the water first, dipping his feet in and letting out a satisfied sigh as he did. His hands went around his waist, grabbing the hem of the towel around his legs and unfurling it with a flick of his wrist. It came undone easily and Hinata tried looking away as he submerged himself in the water, but the brief flash of pale skin was enough to send a low roiling within the pit of his stomach as he entered after him, fully aware of Komaeda’s eyes on him.

The water was just hot enough to feel pleasant but Hinata already wished he could get out so that he wouldn’t have to feel Komaeda’s presence as they sat in the water, clustered among so many other people. They sat facing each other, Hinata’s back pressed against the L of the pool’s edge and Komaeda a few feet away, close to a group of men who were busy in idle chatter. He fidgeted, not sure where to look now that he was in the water and his entire body suddenly felt vulnerable and bare.

He couldn’t bring himself to look away as Komaeda cupped water in his hands and poured it over his face and hair. The liquid slowly slid down his neck and then his chest and Hinata’s gaze lingered on its movement as it went further and further down until it mixed with the surface of the water, leaving just a faint trail on his pale body. Hinata had never paid much attention to it before—Komaeda had never given him opportunity to, even when they had been lovers—but his body was surprisingly lean, slim arms and a small waist, and he found himself itching to reach out and touch him, his collar bones and the web of veins that traversed their way through his neck and chest.

Komaeda grinned when their eyes met and he had to tear his gaze away from his body and focus on his face, but he couldn’t find his mind doing the same.

“It’s nice here, isn’t it?” Komaeda asked and Hinata nodded jerkily, wondering if the heat he felt in his body was just from the water.

He slid down further in the water so that it reached his chin and his surroundings felt dimmer. He wished he could go all the way in and hide himself in the milky white liquid so that Komaeda wouldn’t look at him and he wouldn’t have to feel ashamed of himself.

He’d never thought of it before, but it suddenly felt as if all he was acutely aware of was his own body, how it warmed up and ached suddenly.  He thought of how awkward he must look to those around him, not even fitting in his own skin. Komaeda looked so much more comfortable, and the realization made his throat feel dry—he wished he could touch him, trace his fingers over his slender arms, feel his mouth against his lips and then against all of him.

He coughed and sat up straight, the lightheadedness making his vision swim a little as he grabbed his towel and gestured awkwardly towards the door.

“I think it’s a little too hot for me,” he said quickly, noting the look of concern on Komaeda’s face as he scrambled to get out of the water too. “I’ll just go the room, alright?”

“I’ll come with you,” Komaeda said, standing up suddenly and before Hinata could really look away, he found himself staring at his body, completely nude. The towel was still clutched between his fingers.

“Oh—” Hinata couldn’t find the breath to finish what he was going to say.

Komaeda smiled sheepishly and wrapped the towel before the flush could fully rise to Hinata’s face.

“I—let’s go back,” he said gently, nudging Hinata’s elbow to make him unfreeze. Hinata felt conscious of the touch and without a word, he turned on his heels and into the dressing room.

Both of them were careful not to look at each other as they changed into dry robes this time, and Hinata felt thankful for it even as a pang of regret curled in his stomach. He kept thinking back to the pool and how close they had been sitting, just the water lapping around their bare bodies and the heat he felt in his chest and between his legs.

\---

They stopped in front of a room at the far end of the hall and Komaeda fumbled as he unlocked the door with shaking fingers. He wondered if it would be a mistake to go in now. They could still go back and book another room, Komaeda thought, but then the door was sliding open and they both hesitantly stepped inside the small room with just two futon and a fan that neither of them bothered to turn on.

The window showed the night view outside and the insistent rainfall that shook the trees so that they drooped downwards. Some of the water entered through and soaked the mats and Hinata pulled the futon away from it so that it wouldn’t get wet as well. Komaeda sat down on the futon, eyes never leaving the boy as he worked.

He smiled faintly as Hinata finally turned around, his face anxious and expectant. The air felt fraught with tension and Komaeda wondered if it was just him who felt that—but one look was enough for him to know that it wasn’t that case at all.

“It’s still raining,” Komaeda said loudly, trying to break the pressing silence.

“I don’t think we can go back tonight,” Hinata said as he came and sat down a few feet away from him, hands precociously resting in his lap.

Komaeda had already noticed it before but Hinata kelp fidgeting in place, hands never leaving his lap and his face flushed red. He looked uncomfortable and Komaeda tried his best to keep his eyes away from the place his eyes were drawn to after every few seconds because he knew nothing good was going to come out of this as much as he wanted to tell him that he felt the same way.

He heaved a sigh and felt regret bubble in the pit of his stomach. Sleeping together was an idea that seemed to never work for either of them but they refused to learn, he realized.

Instead of trying to address the current problem at hand, he tried to think of something that would distract both of them long enough for Hinata to calm down but nothing came to mind. He could feel his thoughts swirling round and round in the same direction they’d been focusing on since a few hours ago and he wished, in some corner of his heart, that Hinata would notice what was bothering him.

“Say, Hinata-kun,” he said tentatively “Are you nervous about going back to Tokyo?”

It was obvious by Hinata’s expression that he hadn’t even thought the conversation would turn out this way. He looked almost relieved—Komaeda noted with some disappointment— and a small smile rose to his lips.

“A-ah, I am,” he said sheepishly “It’s been so long since I went to school and I honestly have no idea what to make of it all.”

“It’ll be nice, won’t it? You’ll get to study in the main course now.”

“That’s true. I’m sure it was a lot harder than what I studied in reserve though.”

“You’ll manage, Hinata-kun,” he said and felt a twinge in his chest as he said it. Hinata was smiling serenely as if he was imagining himself back in Tokyo, in a life so much more vibrant than the one he was currently living. “I know you won’t mind working hard if it’s for your dream.”

“I still need to make a few preparations. I’m not even sure I have any of my books with me. Or my uniform.” Hinata leaned back on the futon, hands placed at his sides. Komaeda’s fingers twitched with the urge to reach out and hold his hand.

 “So you’ll go back early to arrange all of that?” Komaeda asked, wondering why his voice sounded so small “You can’t really do much around here.”

Hinata nodded carefully, watching him from the corner of his eye. “It’ll be dull not having you around, Komaeda. I’ll miss you.”

Komaeda swallowed. He couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze and he wished he knew what to say to dispel the sick feeling worming its way into his gut. Hinata looked sincere when he said it, his eyes bright and a little sad, but Komaeda could only think of how he wouldn’t even be able to see him soon, how all of this was still useless in the end.

“Komaeda?” Hinata’s voice broke him from his thoughts and he realized he hadn’t said anything in reply “Is something wrong?”

He shook his head quickly but it was a pathetic attempt, he knew. Hinata had spent enough time with him to know what he was feeling and the realization made him want to laugh. What was the point of all this?

“It’s nothing, Hinata-kun,” he said even though his voice gave away that it wasn’t just nothing “I—I’ll miss you too.”

A look of hurt passed through Hinata’s face and then it was replaced by guilt. He laughed awkwardly and scratched the back of his head. “It’s really silly of me to talk so much about Tokyo, isn’t it? I must sound so insensitive—”

“That’s not it.”

Hinata looked frantic and it didn’t look like he’d heard Komaeda as he continued to speak. “—Like I’m trying to show off in front of you when you can’t even go back there.”

Komaeda clamped his hand on Hinata’s and squeezed.

“It’s not like I _can’t_ go back, you know!” he said in a rush and only frowned when the words had left his mouth. Why was he saying this? “I just don’t think it’d be a good idea.”

Hinata stared for a few seconds, trying to take in what Komaeda had said just as Komaeda himself tried to make sense of his own words. They both stared at their hands and then at each other.

“What do you mean?” Hinata asked, his voice suddenly low, almost hopeful. Komaeda’s heart sank in his chest. “Does that mean you want to go back to Tokyo? What about your mother?”

“I don’t know,” Komaeda shook his head. “I’ve thought about it a lot but in the end it’s always the same thing. No one wants me in Tokyo, and I don’t feel like it’d be much use—”

He stopped abruptly, unable to say more than this. He kept thinking of Kibougamine, Yasuda, his father, and the repressed feelings of guilt he still had every time he thought about going back to Tokyo. No matter how much time passed, he couldn’t convince himself that he would ever find himself worthy of going back, to face his father, to face his past.

Before he could say more to tell Hinata that he’d be fine living in Nikko, he felt his hands on his face, warm and still soft from the bath. Hinata was looking at him in determination, eyebrows lowered and his lips pinched in concentration. Suddenly, Komaeda felt all too aware of him again and he swallowed.

“I want you in Tokyo,” he said “It’d be just like the old times.”

Komaeda found himself wavering. “What does that mean for you, Hinata-kun?” he asked “Do you want to be my lover—is that what you’re telling me?”

“I—I just want you to be there with me,” Hinata said, swallowing thickly. He looked just as confused as Komaeda felt, eyes dazed and half lidded. The fingertips that traced their way on his neck and collarbones were firm and yet unsure in their touch.

Komaeda tried to push back the flush that was slowly rising to his cheeks, unable to stop himself from thinking of how he wanted those same hands to touch him in places no one had ever touched him before, to let himself give in to the feeling for just a few seconds of unbidden lust.  

He closed his eyes and took a deep breath. He reached out and placed a finger under Hinata’s chin, pushing upwards just the slightest so that his mouth was close to his. They could have kissed if Hinata had let them. Instead, he saw him flinch.

“What do you want, Hinata-kun?” he asked, tired “Have you really thought about this?”

Hinata faltered for just a second. “I haven’t. The thought—it terrifies me.”

“You’re still scared of loving me,” he said, barely keeping the hurt from his voice. “Why are you doing this then? If you’re leaving?”

Hinata blinked and for a second Komaeda thought that he’d deny it. Instead he flushed and looked away, ashamed all of a sudden. In the few moments that Hinata took to answer him, he shuffled to the side, away from Komaeda as he retracted his hand and looking out of the window. It was still raining, the drops falling ceaselessly towards the earth in puddles.

“I’ve always promised myself it was fine to just stay the way we are. I was happy with being friends,” Hinata said, more to himself than anything.

“It’s not the same anymore?”

“I don’t know. I—I want to be more than this but—” he lowered his head. He suddenly looked small and unsure and Komaeda’s chest ached. “I’m sorry. I don’t think it’s right.”

“I don’t think it’s right to want me back in Tokyo if it’s only to be a friend who keeps you from being lonely.” he said, unable to explain to himself how it suddenly felt so crystal clear to him that he couldn’t stay like this anymore, wavering between the line they’d drawn for themselves. He slumped into the futon and covered his eyes with his arm. “Please don’t lead me on like this, Hinata-kun. You’re making this harder than it needs to be.”

Hinata looked stung, and Komaeda suddenly felt guilty for saying what he felt. But he knew he had to be honest with him—it’s the one thing he’d learnt in all the time he’d spent with him even if everything else still felt the same, running round and round in circles.

“We both need to sort out our feelings. About a lot of things,” Hinata said in a tired voice “But—I hope you know I didn’t say all of that just to make you come back to Tokyo.”

“I know,” Komaeda sighed.

The warmth at his side dwindled away as Hinata stood up and dragged his own futon at the far end of the room, away from his line of sight. He turned just a little to see Hinata lie down, face half buried in his pillow so that only the back of his head was visible.

“Good night, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda said after a while.

It took some time for Hinata to answer but he reciprocated in kind and just like that, the rain continued to fall and Komaeda kept staring at his back, wondering what it would feel like to watch him leave.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nasty


	31. Mend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Like the salt sea-weed,  
> Burning in the evening calm.  
> On Matsuo's shore,  
> All my being is aflame,  
> Awaiting the man does not come.  
> -Fujiwara no Sadaie, Fujiwara no Teika

_8th July, 1925  
15th Year of the Taisho Era_

When the rain relented, both the boys got out of bed as if they’d been waiting for it all this time. Hinata hadn’t slept, and he didn’t bother to make any pretense of it in front of Komaeda as the two of them slipped out of the changing room, dressed in their rumpled yukata that were still cold and a little damp from where they’d been stuffed in the lockers.

Komaeda paid the receptionist and they left, not saying much on the walk back. As expected, the earth was still wet and slippery. Hinata knew it was foolish of them to leave so soon when there were still chances of the weather worsening but he thought that neither of them could have spent much longer in the room and its stifling silence, both of them thinking about things that they’d kept in for far too long.

He still felt the buzz in his body from last night and as he walked side by side his friend, his eyes prickled with tears. He’d felt on the verge of them since they’d gotten up and not said anything to each other, and he guessed that Komaeda knew he wasn’t feeling very well.

Komaeda pushed back a few stray branches on the narrow path of the decline they were skipping down, and he turned to cast a cautious glance at Hinata.

Hinata swallowed and looked away, not sure he could have kept himself from crying if their eyes had met. Komaeda sighed, ruffled his messy morning hair and continued walking.

“I really am no good at initiating conversation, am I?” Komaeda said, “Usually the words come easily if you’re speaking, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata nodded weakly even though he knew he couldn’t see him where he walked behind him. He couldn’t bring himself to speak.

“You don’t have to say anything though. It’s alright to just think.”

He didn’t really have much to think about—he wanted to say—he’d already thought about it enough even if his chest didn’t feel any lighter. He wished he could have said something, anything to keep himself from thinking of how quickly time continued to pass. Even as they walked, the cloudy sky gave way to the clear, filtered light of the sun and soon he knew it would be noon, and then the afternoon, and just like that the day would end. He wanted to make the most of the time he still had here but how was he supposed to, when there was nothing to even fill the silence between them.

His foot almost slipped and he wanted to sit down on the rocks that littered their path, wanting to calm his breathing so that Komaeda wouldn’t notice how miserable he felt.

“I’m sorry, Komaeda,” he said, his voice thick “I wish I didn’t have to go.”

Komaeda looked horrified as he shook his head. “No. I don’t think you mean that.”

“I do. The time I’ve spent here—it’s precious to me. I’m sorry for ruining the rest of the time we have left.”

Komaeda didn’t say anything to that, as if he was pretending he hadn’t said it at all. Hinata could understand, and so he made no effort to say anything more. The two of them continued to head down the path they’d travelled last night, and up ahead he saw the signs of a river and the city behind it.

His chest ached at the realization that Komaeda wouldn’t walk back home with him this time—he still felt like he had something to say, and he found himself growing desperate.

“Well, I think you know the path well enough from here,” Komaeda said, gesturing to the winding road that led to Hinata’s neighborhood. Komaeda’s was in the opposite direction.

“U-um,” he fumbled, suddenly unsure of himself “Ritsuko-san told me that I needed to tell you myself. That I’m leaving.”

The faint smile that Komaeda had been holding up fell and Hinata immediately knew he’d misspoken.

“Why do you keep bringing this up, Hinata-kun?” he wasn’t looking at him as he rubbed his arm, feet kicking the earth where he stood. “I know well enough already.”

His face prickled with heat. “I just wanted to tell you. If I could have, I wouldn’t have said anything but I don’t think that would have been fair to you.”

Komaeda smiled bitterly. “That’s awfully thoughtful of my mother.”

“You know, I don’t think she blames you for anything,” Hinata didn’t know why he said it, but he felt he had to say it, as his friend if nothing else.

Komaeda didn’t answer for a while and they soon approached the forked road where their paths diverged. They stopped, and Komaeda sighed as if all the energy had left his body—he looked exhausted and maybe, Hinata thought, he hadn’t been the only one to stay up all night.

“Did she say that?” Komaeda asked, almost desperately “Did she really say that, Hinata-kun?”

“Does she have to say it for you to understand that?” he asked irritably, feeling a little as if he was speaking to a child “Isn’t her love enough for you to know she doesn’t blame you for anything?”

Komaeda laughed. “Things like these, they’re so easy for you, Hinata-kun. I wish I could think like that too.”

“It’s not easy for me, either,” he said with a flush, suddenly remembering how he’d felt last night, lost and confused “You’re not the only one who has it tough.”

“I know,” Komaeda’s voice was gentle, understanding. Hinata wished he hadn’t heard him at all.

He coughed and found himself unable to say anything more. The road was empty and the sun was high up in the sky, all signs of rain had completely vanished. He shrugged and began to walk, waving halfheartedly to his companion who stood still, looking ahead as if in deep thought.

“I’ll see you later,” he said, not sure if he really meant it.

\---

Hinata dreamt that night as he slept in his own room, his body aching and his heart hammering loudly in his chest.

He stood in a house that was unfamiliar to him, and yet recognizable at the same time. Through the faint light that filtered from the cracked ceiling, he saw the walls that were lined with moss and the portraits that were half hidden behind ivy and flowers. The room smelled like charred wood and ashes scattered on the frosty windows—black flecks on graying glass.

 He mechanically walked forward to see a crow perched atop an unmoving fan, its beak shining black. The bird opened its mouth to caw and the sound echoed loudly in the empty room.

Hinata followed it as it drew him forward, beckoning towards a destination that he was inherently aware of. There was a boy was waiting for him in this house, and the halls and doors all opened up before him as he took step after step towards him. The tapping of his shoes echoed with the beat of his own heart.

He stopped in front of a door at the end of the hall, its panels torn up and light streaming in from the inside. Suddenly, everything was silent save for the reverberations of the house itself and Hinata felt something stir within him. His body didn’t feel like his own and he slid open the door and stepped in.

The boy was waiting inside and Hinata covered the distance between the two of them in a few, easy steps. The stirring within Hinata’s chest and his body grew until he couldn’t breathe anymore. The boy smiled and reached out a hand, pulling him down so that they were touching—just like he’d always wanted—and he felt the loose fabric of his yukata give way beneath his fingers.

They kissed and Hinata allowed himself to hold him, breathing in his familiar scent and feeling the slide of fabric between their bodies. Hinata was deft with his fingers, quickly moving and unraveling the gentle boy lying underneath him. His hands hovered over pale skin, caressing and exploring, and his own body felt the reciprocation of his need in firm, gentle touches. Their lips met achingly slow and then with a hunger that enveloped the both of them until all Hinata could feel was the beat of his heart in his ears and the warm, smooth skin of the boy’s hands making way between his legs.

“You’ve been hiding even these feelings from yourself, haven’t you?” the boy laughed a little, hands stroking him and following each gasp that left his lips “To touch and to be touched.” His hand was unwavering, settling into a steady rhythm that Hinata reacted to, hips moving forward to meet him “Like this?”

Hinata could only lower his head into the crook of the boy’s shoulder, burying himself in the warmth he felt in his body and the pleasure that overtook his senses. He could feel himself drawing closer to the end of his limits and the form of the boy lying underneath him felt like a far off, floating embrace that still held him in firm, steady arms.

The reverberations around him pulsated and shook like his body, rising higher and higher until he felt like snapping and then warmth flooded him, thick and wet.

Hinata cracked his eyes open and a weak cry left his lips, the last remainders of the aching sweetness leaving his body. He felt warmth bloom all over his skin and his clothes and when he reached to touch them, he already knew they would be wet.

His heart was still hammering in his chest and he slowly got up as the feeling of the dream left him cold and dizzy, full of shame. He swallowed, pushing aside his soiled sheets and carefully laying aside his own clothes. He absentmindedly stared at the mess, trying to hold back the tears that were just on the brink of falling.

He had already known, he thought bitterly as he wiped himself, he had already known what he wanted—deep inside, in his body and the way it ached with a desire to be touched.

The dream felt like a slap in the face but Hinata couldn’t bring himself to forget the feeling of it and how badly he wished it hadn’t been just his subconscious wishing for things he couldn’t have. He wanted to forget, but it lingered on in his skin, as if marks had been kissed onto it by a boy who was bound to disappear again, just like a dream.

\---

_27th July, 1925_  
  


Komaeda had been deep in thought, staring at the wall of his room when the phone rang. His mother was sleeping and he had no excuse to ignore the call, knowing it was from his father. It was a surprise his mother had fallen asleep when the calls always came at the same time—five pm on a Saturday.

He heaved a weary sigh, pushed away any feelings of unease and grabbed the receiver.

“Hello?” he spoke into the line “Who is this?”

The other end was uncomfortably quiet for a while. “This is your father, Nagito.”

Komaeda cast a glance at the door of her mother’s room, praying she’d wake up somehow and end the conversation that hadn’t even started between them.

“Mother’s sleeping,”

“Oh. Is she feeling alright? She isn’t usually asleep at this time.”

“She just had a change of medicine,” he said plainly “I think it makes her sleepy.”

“That’s alright then,” his father seemed relieved “I hope her health has been better lately?”

The note of genuine worry in his voice always seemed to catch Komaeda off guard and he wanted to be angry at his father for asking about her so nonchalantly when he wasn’t even there for her, but he couldn’t help but feel a little surge of happiness to know that he’d asked.

“She’s doing great,” he said, softening his voice “Sometimes she jokes about how she could go running up the mountains if she wanted to. I think she just says that so I’ll get out of the house for a while.”

His father laughed and Komaeda smiled at the sound of his voice. “She’s a lively one, isn’t she?” he said “And you’ve done such a good job of caring for her.”

“It’s the least I can do.”

His father seemed to be thinking, on the other end of the line, and Komaeda wondered if this is where their conversation would draw to a close. His mother wasn’t even awake, after all. But somehow the thought made him pause. He didn’t want to end the conversation just yet and his father seemed to be thinking the same thing.

“Did you like your birthday present?” he asked Komaeda.

“I put the things in my room,” he said vaguely, thinking of the stationary that he hadn’t even bothered to use “Though I really don’t have much use of them, father.”

“Is that so?” he sounded crestfallen and Komaeda felt a pang of guilt “I was so sure you would like them. You did love to study a lot, didn’t you?”

Komaeda found himself frowning at the mention of this. Things were treading towards dangerous territory but he let himself continue.

“I just did it to make you happy. You’ve always valued education so I thought it would be nice,” he said “But that doesn’t matter anymore.”

There was a lull in their dialogue again, and Komaeda wanted his father to speak. He found himself wanting to look for some affirmation of his choice, but he knew he shouldn’t have hoped for it.

“Is that why you’re so adamant about not going back?”

 “Yasuda-san wouldn’t appreciate having me in the same city as him,” he’d made that clear enough, before.  But it was just an excuse really, he could have gone back if he truly wanted to “It would be _terrible_ for your business.”

 “It’s always the same thing, Nagito,” his father sounded tired “None of that means half as much to me as you and your mother do.”

“Ah, I never really meant to imply that, you know,” he tried to tease halfheartedly “I know you love me, father.”

“I wish you’d actually believe that instead of joking about it. You’re my son.”

Komaeda laughed. “That’s awfully cheesy,” he said “Do you say the same things to mother?”

His father laughed too, even if it was a little awkward. “At least she knows it’s true when I say it.”

From what he’d heard from his mother, he was sure his father wasn’t lying when he said this. It made him feel odd to find himself smiling at this, even if there was still uncertainty brewing in his heart, as always.

“I’ll believe you then,” he said, as truthfully as he could “But what does that mean, in the end?”

“It means just that,” his father’s voice sounded softer, kind “And also—”

“Also?” Komaeda strained to hear his voice.

“I’m sorry for making you feel alone,” he said “It must have been hard, living like this.”

When his father said it, he expected the usual surge of irritation he felt whenever they talked, but all he could feel was a sense of relief at finally hearing it. It also brought in a fear he’d been harboring in his heart. He swallowed.

“It’s fine,” he said on instinct, “I’ve always loved caring for mother.”

 “You don’t have to do it anymore, Nagito. Just put those thoughts out of your mind for now.”

“And then?” he said instead, closing his eyes like a child.

“Think about what you actually want to do. If you were _truly_ selfish,” he said “Would you find yourself in Tokyo?”

He smiled ruefully at how simply one dimensional it all sounded when his father said it. “That’s not the only thing I was selfish about, you know.”

“What do you mean?”

“The three of us—I just stood by and watched but I was just as capable of bringing you back if I’d wanted to,” he thought of all the opportunities he’d had, and how he’d wasted them, as always “Instead of fixing things I’ve only ever tried to hate you for leaving.”

He didn’t know why he’d said it, but his chest felt lighter all the same. If anything, he expected his father to understand—both of them had been wrong.

His father broke the silence with a laugh that almost sounded relieved. “We’ve been blaming ourselves without really trying to talk about it.”

“We have.”

“I think that needs to stop,” he said “We were both naïve.”

“Does that mean we’re even?” he laughed, shaking his head at how easy it was to talk “What a surprisingly simple conclusion.”

“Things aren’t always complicated but we make them like that anyway.”

“I think I’ve heard that before.”

“You’ll think about Kibougamine, then?” his father asked, a little hint of optimism in his voice “There’s no rush.”

Komaeda pursed his lips but the idea didn’t make him feel repulsed at all. Perhaps, he’d been waiting for his father to ask and it was childish, but it still made him happier to know he was wanted. He thought of Hinata’s hands on his cheeks—and how he’d said the same—and smiled.

“Alright. I’ll give it a try but I won’t make any promises.”

“That’s all I could ask for,” he could imagine the smile on his father’s face as he said that “And tell your mother I’ll visit next week, alright?”

He huffed “I suppose she’ll be happy to see your face every once in a while.”

\---

Komaeda regarded his bedroom and the contents of it with distaste. He wasn’t sure why, but suddenly the piles and piles of books he had made him want to shove them all in a box and stow it away, never to be seen again. The stacks of clothes and the cushions and sheets pushed away near the wall just made him feel a little as if he was a hermit, hiding away in the recluse of his small room, passing his days idly. What did he even do in here? He thought with some sense of shock. How had he spent so much time here without even questioning how uncomfortable he had been until now?

He heaved a sigh and pushed away the stack of books so that it didn’t lie in the centre of the room, next to his futon. The room was always clean, bare save for the most essential of things that he needed. Still, his nerves felt on edge as he sat down on the floor and thought about his conversation with his father. His mother didn’t know yet, but he’d have to tell her why he was staring at the walls, his thoughts a mess and his lips upturned in a pout.

Outside the window, he saw the beginnings of another spell of rain—the grey clouds were fast approaching, casting the evening sky in darkness. Thunderheads rumbled above and for a brief moment, he wondered if the rain would be another one that would last all night. It was a nice thought, to imagine sleeping to the sounds of rain outside his window and the pleasant smell of it as it fell on the dry soil of his garden.

He wasn’t surprised when his mother quietly slipped into his room a few minutes later, her eyes laced with sleep.

“Going to sleep?” he asked as she came to sit beside him.

“Not yet,” she laughed “I’m waiting for it to rain.”

“That’s not a bad idea. But I think you should sleep.”

His mother fixed him with a look. “Not until you tell me why you’ve been so off lately. You’ve been frowning all day.”

Komaeda sighed, knowing it was going to happen eventually but still resenting it nevertheless. “Father called yesterday. You were sleeping.”

“Why didn’t you tell me? You could have woken me up.”

“You hardly ever sleep that well, I didn’t want to disturb you.”

“Did you talk to your father, then?” she asked curiously, a hint of a smile on her lips “You never even pick up if you can help it.”

Komaeda’s frown deepened at the thought. “Well I did pick it up,” he said with some reluctance “We talked a bit.”

“Oh?” he could feel his mother’s excitement as she perked up and gripped his arm “What did you talk about?”

“I’ve been thinking about it all day.  He said he wants me to go back to Tokyo.”

His mother didn’t look surprised and Komaeda wondered if she’d already talked to him about it before. “Of course he does, Nagito. Was there any doubt about this?”

He looked away “I—well, I didn’t think he’d want me to.”

“You’re always so quick to assume things! He doesn’t really hold it against you, you know that don’t you?”

“I do, now. He told me so on the phone call,” he felt embarrassed talking about it, a little like a child who’d just been praised for working exceptionally well on a test “I thought about his words a lot, for once.”

His mother laughed but it was nothing like her usual giggling. It was loud, and she had a look of amusement on her face when she regarded him.

“So you two actually talked like a father and son should, for once?” she still had an edge of laughter in her voice and Komaeda almost felt a little irritated at her reaction “Did that help with anything?”

“It just made me a lot more confused than I wanted to be.”

“How so?”

He took a deep breath. Waited. “Now I suddenly want to go back to Tokyo.”

“Oh.” his mother looked surprised and Komaeda felt a twinge of regret at having said it to her. It was something she already knew but he didn’t like the idea of leaving her alone.

“I hope you’re not mad at me for it,” he said, “It’d mean having to leave you again.”

“That’s already something I was aware of, dear. But I still want you to go,” her voice was gentle, resigned “Your father and I have talked about it.”

_Of course._

“What did he say?”

She grinned “He wants you to study in Kibougamine and make him proud. He told me how much you loved being there with your friends.”

Komaeda stared at his mother. “Father sure loves talking a lot. I’m just as happy here.”

“But that’s only because Hinata-kun’s here, right now,” she was still smiling, seeing straight through him “What will you do after he’s gone?”

“I’ll be fine living with you. I don’t have to go after him,” he hoped his face didn’t betray the sinking in his chest he felt when he thought of him “You need me more than I need him.”

His mother raised an eyebrow, and Komaeda flushed, feeling exposed. “Do you think I’d just live here alone if you’re gone?” she was laughing again.

Komaeda felt completely out of the loop. His father had been so carefree about it, too. “What do you mean? Did you talk about this with father too?”

“He’s coming over to stay here. He doesn’t have to be in Tokyo all the time now that the business is steady,” she said “It’s a simple enough thing, Nagito; you don’t always have to be here for me. Your father should keep me company, too.”

Komaeda’s heartbeat picked up in his chest and his lips quirked upwards. He couldn’t help thinking about how happy his mother would be if his father really did come back.

“But—” Komaeda wanted to protest, a part of him still unwilling to allow himself this reprieve. His thoughts drifted back to the phone call he’d received in Tokyo when her health had worsened, and how badly it had shaken him.

“Hush now, you don’t have any more of a say in this matter. You need to learn to rely on others more,” she pouted, silencing him with a wave of the hand “As your parents, we’ve decided you’re going to Tokyo and that’s final.”

Despite the strict tone of her voice, he could tell his mother was teasing, and Komaeda wanted to laugh.

“Don’t I get a say in this?” he said “You’re being unfair.”

“You’ve been unfair to yourself for far longer,” she placed a hand over his and pressed it gently “Did you tell Hinata-kun you wanted to go to Tokyo?”

“What does Hinata-kun have to do with this?” he protested, suddenly self aware of every expression on his face, how his lips downturned immediately at the mention of his name and how his hands felt clammy and hot “I already told him I was staying here.”

His mother shook her head. “Is that why you haven’t gone to visit him in so many days?”

“I didn’t know how to face him after I told him that. He looked disappointed.”

His mother frowned. “Isn’t it time you made it up to him, then? Don’t let him leave just like that.”

He tried to swallow away the lump in his throat but it only made his mouth feel drier. “I’ve hurt him a lot, mother. I don’t want to make him feel like that again so isn’t it better to just let things be like this?”

“This is only going to make him feel worse, my dear. Isn’t it enough that you already care so much about him?” she smiled gently and Komaeda’s chest tightened “You do, don’t you?”

Komaeda pressed his lips together but there was no way to hide the flush of warmth he felt spreading to his cheeks and ears, and his mother’s smile was enough to tell that she knew.

“I really like him,” he said, feeling his voice crack as he spoke. “A lot.”

“I think you should be saying that to him, not me,”

“I—He probably hates me by now,” he laughed dryly.

His mother fixed him with a long, hard long and her fingers pressed tightly over his hand. “He wouldn’t have come all the way here if he hated you, Nagito. No matter what, isn’t he always honest with his feelings and actions?”

Komaeda thought of how uncertain he looked that day, in the onsen, and how he fidgeted as he sat on the futon, wanting to be closer but still holding back. He wished he’d let him so that they could have figured things out together instead of spending the night with their backs turned away from each other.

“I need to talk to him,” he said with a sense of clarity that made his entire body shiver. He faintly heard a crack of lightning and wondered when it had started raining. “He has a right to know as well.”

His mother was smiling as she looked at him, “It’s raining.”

“That’s alright,” he was already standing up and his lips quirked into an unwilling smile.

She stood up with him, taking his face into her hands and smiling. “What will you say to him?”

“I don’t know,” he laughed “But I think I want to see him right now, more than anything.”

He wasn’t sure why he felt like saying it, but his mother only smiled as he did. It was fairly obvious to both of them that he’d just allowed himself to admit something that was far from innocent, far from what he’d imagined of his future, but he couldn’t feel any regret as he did.

He imagined Hinata must be looking out of his window right now, reading a book maybe and thinking of home.  He thought of himself, going over to him and watching the look of surprise that would paint his features when he’d see him at the front of his door in the dead of night.

Komaeda felt uneasy and his heart hammered in his chest at the thought of going to him, unsure of what to say but his mother patted his back and gestured towards the door. There wasn’t much arguing with her and he smiled to her in thanks as he grabbed his shoes and turned towards the door.

“Am I really doing this?” he mostly asked himself and his mother laughed.

“The rain isn’t going to kill you, you know,” she said, giving him another push “And neither will Hinata-kun.”

Komaeda smiled “I hope not. There’s still so much I need to tell him.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah i wrote this chapter way back around the end of august i think and it was a really difficult time for me. the first scene sort of ended up being a way for me to get some of those feelings in perspective and it was nice writing it i think!  
> the rest was a simpler way of resolving most of the hesitation on Komaeda's part. and -cough- bringing to light hinata's feelings and desire....  
> It might take a while for me to update the next chapter since uni has been keeping me Really Busy and i honestly dont get much time to think about anything, not even myself. Hopefully, you'll be able to read it by the start of january hahah it's going to be Long (twice this chapter's length) but hopefully worth it!! Please look forward to it (*^o^*)


	32. Flame

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have met my love.  
> When I compare this present  
> With feelings of the past,  
> My passion is now as if  
> I have never loved before.  
> -Fujiwara no Atsutada

_27th July, 1925_

As Hinata watched the rain come down in bursts, he couldn’t deny the fact that he thought of Komaeda and how the last time he’d seen him, it had been raining too. It wasn’t an exaggeration then, to say that when he heard the knock on his doorstep, he immediately thought of him and wished that it wasn’t just a figment of his foolish imagination. The rain was loud and it wouldn’t have been odd if there was no one at the door.

 He wasn’t sure whether he should have laughed or cried when he reluctantly slid open the door and came face to face with Komaeda, hair matted to his forehead and neck, and his clothes soaked to his skin. He was smiling and Hinata wondered if he’d imagined the flush of his cheeks as their eyes met.

“K-Komaeda?” he was sure his voice was too loud even for the rain “What’re you doing here?”

Komaeda was still smiling as he let himself in, slipping off his already wet sandals and neatly placing them at the corner of the door side. He stopped just a few feet into the room, dripping water onto the floorboards and mats, and shrugged helplessly.

“I was thinking about you,” he said, breathless as he hugged himself “I—we need to talk.”

Hinata paused, felt the uncertain hope that welled in his chest and immediately quashed it. He realized they were still standing at the doorway and the rain blew in with the wind, making the mats wetter than they already were.

“You could have waited until the rain died out, you know,” he wondered why he sounded a little mad as he said it. He didn’t mind that Komaeda had run all the way here and that his chest was still heaving a little from the effort, but his thoughts drifted again and again to the night they’d last met and how they hadn’t really parted on talking terms.

Komaeda’s smile dwindled just a little and he looked awkward, hugging himself and waiting to be let in.

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking down and Hinata realized that he _had_ been flushing “I should have waited but—I knew I had to speak to you today.”

“It couldn’t have waited?”

Komaeda shook his head “Not at all.”

Hinata nodded and allowed himself to smile a little. He gestured vaguely towards his completely soaked figure and coughed.

“Don’t keep standing here, Komaeda. You’ll catch a cold.”

“I’ll just make your room a mess! I’m fine here.”

“I’m not listening to what you have to say until you’re inside,” it was a lie and they both knew it. Hinata wanted to know what he had to say and nothing would change that “I’ll get a towel and some tea.”

Komaeda smiled and it was clear how uncomfortable he had been, standing there. He let him step inside and into his room and Hinata tried not to think too much of it. He nodded to him once, and headed to the kitchen.

“Do you want some tea?” he called out from there, already setting the kettle on the stove “It’ll warm you right up.”

He thought he heard Komaeda snicker from the next room “Tea would be nice.”

“The towels are in my cupboard so take one from there.”

“Alright.”

With that, they were both quiet and Hinata stared at the kettle and the fire, eyes focusing intently on it until he could see spots behind his eyelids. He didn’t know what to think of Komaeda coming here in the middle of a storm and a part of him wanted to be happy, but he couldn’t think of anything that they had left to say to each other.

If it was just to say goodbye, he could have come at any other time, and he didn’t think he even wanted to hear that from him. In the end, it still felt as if he hadn’t gained anything from coming to Nikko—round and round in circles until it was time to leave again, another cycle of the same life he’d been living until now. Komaeda was still an outlier that refused to stay, and an outlier that Hinata refused to let go from the depths of his heart.

As the kettle came to a boil, its incessant whistling snapped Hinata out of its thoughts and he poured the water into the cups quickly, letting the tea leaves soak in it until the water was just the right shade of green. The process calmed his thoughts somewhat, but as he took the tray to his room, he was already feeling nervous again—his hands were clammy and it was a wonder the tray didn’t entirely slip from his hands.

He imagined Komaeda must be sitting in his room, but when he actually stepped inside, he was nowhere to be seen.

“Komaeda?” he called out, the cups rattling on the tray he held.

No answer.

“Oi! Where are you?” he asked again, and he wondered if it was because of the rain that his voice was drowned out.

He heard a faint voice coming from his porch in reply, and he sighed, pushing open the door that led to the small area outside of his house. As expected, Komaeda was sitting there, on the single step that separated him from the garden and the rain.

His eyes were fixed ahead, to the downpour, and a towel was placed at his side, still folded neatly. Hinata felt a tightness in his chest when he saw him, looking wistfully at the garden lit barely by the light in the street next to his. He wanted to join him where he sat.

He put the tray on the table to his side, loud enough that Komaeda turned his head back to him and smiled. He looked uncomfortable now, and the smile on his lips was barely there. Hinata felt the discomfort taking hold of him as well and he cursed himself silently for being unable to make things easier for either of them.

Komaeda patted the space beside him and it was so customary that Hinata found himself smiling as he joined him on the step that was too small for two people to sit on but still comfortable anyway. They didn’t speak for a while and Hinata felt uncomfortably aware of how Komaeda hadn’t bothered to dry himself at all.

“Do you actually prefer staying like that?” Hinata asked him, taking the towel from his side and setting it on his lap.

Komaeda frowned in confusion and then cast his eyes at the towel. “Oh—” he looked embarrassed “I was thinking. I must have forgotten.”

“At least dry your hair,” Hinata pouted, opening the towel and motioning for Komaeda to come closer “Here let me—”

Komaeda shook his head to deny him, but Hinata had already draped it over his hair. His protests died in his throat and Hinata took the moment to quickly dry his hair as well as he could. He felt a little like a mother fussing over her child—and he couldn’t really see Komaeda’s face as he did it—so he allowed himself to relax a little.

“That’s enough, don’t you think?” Komaeda complained, pulling away from him “My hair doesn’t even need much drying.”

“Don’t blame me if you catch a cold, then,” Hinata mumbled, “What about your clothes?”

“They’ll dry. It’s summer,” he said and made a grab for the towel in Hinata’s hands.

Hinata was faster and he turned to the side so that Komaeda wouldn’t be able to take if from him.

“Stop moving so much, Komaeda!” he said, fixing him with a glare “You’re not coming inside until you’re dry.”

Komaeda suddenly seemed at a loss for words as Hinata patted the towel over his clothes, and it took a while for him to really realize what he was doing. Sitting so close together, it was impossible not to notice the rise and fall of Komaeda’s chest and how the fabric stuck to his skin so that it was almost translucent. He swallowed and hoped Komaeda wouldn’t notice how his hands wavered as he tried to dry him.

He raised his eyes and found Komaeda looking at him, lips slightly parted as if he had something to say. For a few moments, his hands stilled and Hinata belatedly wondered if Komaeda had forgotten what he wanted to say just like how he’d forgotten to look away after a few seconds of eye contact. Time and again, he’d told himself not to look into his eyes, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to do it—it was all the same if he did or he didn’t, anyway.

Komaeda opened his mouth to speak again and this time Hinata did look away, focusing his attention on the thick fabric of the towel.

“It’s raining again. Just like that day,” Komaeda said.

Hinata wanted to say that he didn’t want to be reminded of it, but instead he nodded. Komaeda was quiet again, still deep in thought and Hinata wondered again why he’d come here.

“You said you needed to think about some things,” Komaeda began again “Did you?”

Hinata frowned. It was unfair of Komaeda to ask him when he hadn’t told him anything himself, so he countered: “Did _you_?”

“I guess it’s fair of you to ask me first,” Komaeda said with a short laugh “I did.”

“Did you come to tell me that?”

Komaeda nodded, smiling shyly as he looked at him, not breaking eye contact. “In the days that I didn’t meet you, it’s all I’ve been thinking about. I talked to my parents about Tokyo.”

Hinata nodded, waiting for him to speak further, praying silently that he wouldn’t get his hopes up for nothing. But it was impossible to ignore the erratic pulse he felt in his chest and the dryness of his own mouth.

Suddenly, Komaeda’s hand was on his, halting his ministrations and making him look at him square in the eye. Hinata noticed again, how bright Komaeda’s eyes looked, his lips curving into a smile.

“I—I want to go back, Hinata-kun,” he said, voice shaking “I want to be in Tokyo with you.”

Hinata gaped, fully aware of the warmth of Komaeda’s hand. “Really?”

Komaeda still looked a little sheepish. “I hope it didn’t come off as too sudden. You know I’ve been thinking about it for a while now.”

Hinata didn’t want to believe it but everything, from the smile on Komaeda’s lips to the way he tenderly held his hand, made him want to just nod and accept it all. He wanted to laugh but he settled for a smile instead.

“How…how did you end up deciding then?”

“I think I’ve always wanted to go. It’s just my fear that held me back,” Komaeda sounded a little sad as he spoke, looking down at their intertwined hands “Just like you, Hinata-kun, I think I let my fear of the past get in the way of my happiness.”             

“But it’s alright now?”

He nodded quickly and Hinata smiled at how endearing it was “I think it is. I’m still a little nervous” he laughed awkwardly “I think I can understand your feelings now.”

Hinata felt the beginnings of something light and warm in his chest, a happiness that he couldn’t put into words. He clasped Komaeda’s hand in both of his and moved closer to him, letting their knees touch just the slightest. Komaeda swallowed visibly and Hinata held his gaze, asking him.

His voice was barely above a whisper “Does that mean—this is alright, then?”

Komaeda nodded again, but his eyes darted to the side and then lowered. He looked unsure, and suddenly Hinata felt his confidence dwindle. Komaeda still looked so torn, hands holding onto him even as he slid a little to the side, widening the gap between them.

“You didn’t answer my question, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda’s voice shook “Have you thought about it?”

Hinata felt like an idiot. Of course he wanted to ask him about this—Komaeda had made it clear enough how he felt about him, but he hadn’t exactly reciprocated in kind.

“Of course I’ve thought about it,” he said, tugging at Komaeda’s hands lightly so he’d stop looking away “And the answer’s always been the same, you know.”

He could see the wavering hope on Komaeda’s face, how he tried to smother his smile by pressing his lips in a thin line and how his grip on Hinata’s hands tightened.

“What does that mean?” Komaeda asked “If you’re not clear about it, I might just get my hopes up.”

Komaeda was teasing now, he knew, and he smiled as he tugged their hands with a little more force— not really trying to make him come closer, but getting the message across anyway. Their faces were close enough to touch, and they both smiled, unable to look away.

“I don’t think I need words to explain how I feel,” Hinata said, letting his voice drop so only he could hear “Right?”

Komaeda only loosened his grip in answer, letting go of his hand and curling his fingers with Hinata’s instead. He could hear his heartbeat echo loudly in his ears as he felt Komaeda’s reluctance give way to an unabashed smile and his eyes drifted close, waiting.  

Hinata kissed his cheek and the sound of surprise that escaped Komaeda’s lips only made him smile against his skin. He pressed another one, fleeting and light, against the curve of his cheekbone, and then at the corner of his mouth, barely brushing against his lips before moving away.

Hinata felt nervous, like each cell in his body wanted to run away, to stop him from doing something that he wasn’t ready for, but Komaeda’s grip on him tightened and he continued to hold him, wanting to be bolder.

Hinata imagined he heard a frustrated whine leave Komaeda’s lips as he showered him with kisses on his neck, his ear, and then his forehead, but he still inclined his head to the side, letting Hinata kiss him as he wanted. He stopped only when Komaeda’s hands let go of his, and traced their way towards his neck, slowly, hesitantly pulling him closer.

“It’s alright if it’s on the lips,” Komaeda said breathlessly, whispering it into Hinata’s ear “Isn’t that what you want to do, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata laughed, and then he finally, _finally_ allowed himself to cup Komaeda’s face in his hands, and bring their lips to meet.  He felt he’d forgotten what it was like to kiss someone, but the moment their lips touched, it was obvious that neither of them had forgotten the shape of each other’s mouths, and how they melded just so, fitting together so perfectly and opening for each other as if on instinct.

Komaeda’s lips were warm and soft, and as Hinata pressed into him, he felt the boy’s arms pull him closer until their chests touched. Hinata closed his eyes and thought of how much he’d missed this, just the feeling of his heart stammering in his chest as his body became enveloped in a pleasant warmth that traversed from his spine to the tip of his toes. Komaeda was flush against him and, when Hinata hesitantly ran a hand through his hair, they were wet and curled, surprisingly soft.

Hinata’s hands wandered over the drying fabric of Komaeda’s clothes as they kissed, fingers hesitantly skirting along the sides of his neck and asking for permission. He could feel Komaeda smile against him as he looped his arms around his neck and let himself fall until his back touched the wooden flooring of the porch and Hinata was partly on top of him, hands braced on either side of his body.

Hinata felt all the breath leave his lungs in a single moment as he regarded Komaeda lying underneath him, face flushed and chest heaving when he looked at him. He looked dazed and his lips were still slightly parted, as if he hoped to continue where they’d left off. Hinata found himself smiling in sheer bliss over how lucky he was.

“What’s the matter?” Komaeda asked, tracing a hand over his neck, up and down “Is—are you still unsure?”

“Does it still feel like that?” Hinata asked, lowering his head into the crook of his neck and thinking of how Komaeda smelt just like the rain, so warm and familiar.

He heard Komaeda sigh, hands paused on the neck of his yukata where his fingers played with the hem. Hinata waited for him to speak, arms burning just a little with the effort of holding himself like this. The wet fabric of Komaeda’s clothes grazed his legs were pressed against Komaeda’s thigh, and he tried pushing back any feelings of discomfort.

“I don’t want you to do anything you don’t like, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda relented, loosening his grip and turning to the side “If you’re still thinking about it then—I think it’d be better to stop right now.”

“I’ve been thinking about it every day,” Hinata said, thinking of the dreams that kept him up at night and made him think of being like this—touching Komaeda and wanting to be with him “I’ve lost sleep over it.”

Komaeda looked apologetic as he curled his arms around Hinata’s waist, almost conciliatory “Is that why you looked so tired? I—”

“Oi! Don’t even think about apologizing!” Hinata cut in, blowing a puff of air into Komaeda’s ear so that he turned his head towards him, startled “It’s my own fault for getting riled up that day and—” he broke off, flushing.

“And?”

“And dreaming about you,” it was embarrassing to admit, and his cheeks burned at the reminder of visions far too improper to even think of.

Komaeda flushed red, clearly catching on to what was being implied. His hands went very still underneath him, and he could still imagine the sensation of ghost touches over his body as he looked at the boy lying underneath him. Reality was far different from any dream, but that didn’t make it any easier.

“Is it true? You’ve been dreaming about me?” Komaeda was smiling again, teasing.

Hinata wanted to look away and it took all his strength to stay put and nod weakly.

 “Did we touch?” Komaeda’s lips hovered over his ear “Did we kiss?”

“I—” Hinata swallowed, and every word that Komaeda uttered only made him want to close the distance between them again. “We did.”

“You’re so cute, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda giggled, pulling him closer by the neck of his yukata and tracing a finger across his cheek. Hinata shivered, suddenly feeling like he’d lost any semblance of control he had over his thoughts.

“Don’t get carried away,” Hinata was embarrassed by how easily he got caught in Komaeda’s pace. His voice ended up coming out weak, full of desire.

Komaeda must have noticed it as well, and his hand cupped his face, bringing their lips together once more in a kiss, hot and insistent. Hinata’s mouth parted—half in surprise, half in anticipation—and he felt the slick heat of Komaeda’s tongue over his bottom lip and then inside his mouth. A weak groan left Hinata’s lips as Komaeda’s hands made short work of his clothes, pulling at the edges of his yukata and loosening the fold of its neck.

Hinata felt exposed, and all of him wanted to give in to the sensation, to lose himself to the feeling of Komaeda’s hands exploring his body, hands running up and down his chest and pausing above the obi.

“Did you imagine this in your dreams?” Komaeda asked as they broke apart, not entirely moving away from each other like they had before. His hand paused over his sternum and Hinata wondered if he could feel his pulse underneath, hammering loudly in his chest. “Tell me more.”

Hinata wanted to answer, but he was suddenly aware of how Komaeda had hitched his leg up so that it fit between Hinata’s thighs, pressing lazily into him in what was probably a subconscious gesture. He flushed, fully aware of the cold press of Komaeda’s clothes against his leg, hovering precariously close to dangerous territory. It wasn’t a secret to either of them that there was a sizable bulge between his legs now, and if Hinata had cast a cautious glance in Komaeda’s direction, he would have found him in much the same condition.

“Your clothes,” Komaeda said almost hazily “They’re getting wet too.”

Hinata blinked. He hadn’t noticed. “You should have changed out of them, at least.”

Komaeda paused, and then—a hint of a smile gathering on his lips—he said “There’s nothing to change into,”

Hinata’s mind was far too distracted—his entire body primed to the sensation of Komaeda’s leg between his— for him to realize what that meant. He nodded slowly.

“You could borrow mine,” he said, and the suggestion brought with it the image of Komaeda, standing at the front of his bedroom, clad in a kimono that he would have normally worn. The thought didn’t help the ache in his body.

“I just want to take these clothes off,” Komaeda said slowly, giving Hinata a look that he wished he hadn’t seen. His cheeks burned “But that’s a good idea too, I suppose.”

“I—Is that so?” Hinata wanted to ask what that meant, but instead he slid to the side, fully aware of Komaeda’s eyes on him as he discreetly moved away to give him enough space to stand up.

Komaeda stood up unsteadily and Hinata was impressed at how he’d even managed to do that when his own legs felt like they would buckle underneath him if he even tried. Komaeda extended a hand towards him and, unsure, Hinata took it as they walked back in. Hinata felt it was difficult to breathe suddenly, a part of him aware of the shift in mood, and how Komaeda walked stiffly inside, not saying a single word. 

He cast a glance at the table on which the tray rested and belatedly thought of the tea that was probably ice cold by now.

Komaeda’s hand was warm and a little clammy just like Hinata’s, and it gave him some comfort in knowing that he was just as nervous as he was. It was easier to follow him than it was to lead—they both knew their way around the house, anyway.

Inside, the lighting was dim and Hinata frowned when he looked at the lantern set on the window ledge, flickering and casting shadows all over his room. The power had been out for a while now, like it was on most rainy days, and it was easy to pretend that he’d stumbled on the way in because he couldn’t see.

Komaeda laughed as he let go of Hinata’s hand, letting him walk towards the cupboard to take out a fresh change of clothes for him. He found himself fumbling, suddenly not sure if this was even the right choice of things to do. He couldn’t ignore the odd sensation in his body that made him think of Komaeda’s form as he’d seen it from under his wet clothes, and how it had made him want to see more of him, lying on his bed beneath him. His chest felt tight with the feeling and he wondered if Komaeda knew just how badly he wanted more of it.

He swallowed. “I wonder if my clothes will fit you well,” he said “Do you mind if they’re loose?”

Komaeda giggled in response and it sounded much closer than he’d imagined it would be.

“You’re still talking about clothes, Hinata-kun,” he heard his soft footsteps and then his arms were wrapping around his waist from behind. He startled, almost dropping the few clothes he’d taken out from the cupboard “Are you really that innocent or are you still trying to pretend this is nothing?”

Hinata opened and closed his mouth, unsure of what to say as he felt Komaeda press his head to his back, almost as if he was listening for a heartbeat. He was sure he must have heard it by now if he hadn’t before.

“Uh, should I leave them for now, then?” he stammered.

“I have a better idea,” Komaeda’s voice was soft, his words said just at the edge of his ear. They tickled, and Hinata shivered “I think you’ll like it too.”

Hinata couldn’t see his face, but he was sure Komaeda was smiling like he usually did when his voice was as low and intimate as it was now. He wanted to turn around, but he felt as if moving now would somehow ruin what was happening and so he stood still, breathing low and feeling every inch of his body thrumming with warmth.

“What…what do you have in mind?” Hinata asked, staring pointedly ahead at the cupboard and the messy contents inside.

There was a beat of silence and Hinata was scared that he’d said something wrong. Komaeda took a shaky breath, as if he’d made a decision and then he spoke.

“Won’t you look at me first, Hinata-kun?” he whispered, arms loosening slightly around his waist.

Hinata nodded slowly and turned around so that he was facing Komaeda. His cheeks were flushed and Hinata felt just a little braver when he looked at him. He looped his arms around his neck and smiled nervously.

“I’m looking at you,” he said. _You look beautiful_ , is he wanted to say. “What did you want to tell me?”

Komaeda nodded, oddly bashful now that they were face to face. “I want to touch you more,” he said “I want you to take me to bed.”

Hinata felt his heart in his throat and he lowered his head to rest on Komaeda’s shoulder, suddenly overwhelmed at how simple it was. Everything seemed to be falling into place and Komaeda was here, holding him, asking him for everything he’d yearned for.

“Okay,” he breathed out. His eyes drifted to the futon at the end of the room, already laid out.

Komaeda followed his line of sight and grinned slyly before letting go of him altogether. This time Hinata was the one to extend his hand to him, and Komaeda took it as he followed him to the end of the room where the light of the lantern barely reached. The flickering shadows of their bodies as they sat down pooled around them on the bedding and the wall.

They looked at each other and Hinata suddenly felt as if his world had shrank to just the few feet of space around him, the sheets of the futon and the boy sitting in front of him, smiling shyly as he looked at him. He was acutely aware of every miniscule detail around him—the sound of rain outside, the sound of their own breathing, Komaeda’s eyelashes as he blinked, his own body vibrating in anticipation and nerves as Komaeda took both of his hands and rested them on his shoulders.

Komaeda was the first to break the silence. “I—I think you know how it goes from here,”

Hinata wanted to say that he really didn’t and that the thought of what they were about to do had him out of his mind, but Komaeda’s hands were still on his, guiding them over his clothes and deliberately settling on the knot of his obi.

“Should I take this off?” he asked, hands already working on the belt that kept Komaeda’s clothes intact. Komaeda inhaled sharply, hands resting idly at his side as he worked.

“You don’t have to ask if you’re going to be so bold about it,” he said but it was clear by the way he held himself untouchably still, that he was just as nervous as Hinata about this.

Hinata laughed a little as his fingers caught on the belt once before it came undone. Both of them were quiet and suddenly neither of them was able to do anything but look at the other. His fingers hovered over the neck and he looked at Komaeda once, asking for permission.

He nodded.

Hinata let his hands work as they hesitantly parted the fabric and traced the pale skin that was revealed. He could feel Komaeda’s heartbeat thrumming under his fingers like a frightened bird’s and he leaned forward to press a kiss there, right over his heart.

“You’re nervous,” he said slowly raising his head to look at him. The fabric parted under his fingers and slid down Komaeda’s shoulders.

Komaeda made a face. “Do you think I’m experienced in this?” he said as he tried to shuck off the clothes and Hinata stared in wonder at the impossibility of it all “You know I’ve never thought of it with anyone, right?”

He nodded hazily as he looked at Komaeda, naked save for the underwear he was still wearing. “A-are we really doing this?”

Komaeda huffed “I’m half naked, you’re—aroused, and you’re still asking me this?” he smiled, but it looked flimsy. Trying to act calm so that the urge to run away would fade. “I’ve never been surer of what I want.”

Komaeda’s hand rested on Hinata’s cheek, tracing circles over his skin like he used to before, telling him in just these gestures how much he cared for him. Hinata felt like he was flying and he closed his eyes as a smile pulled at his lips. He was happy, happier than he’d felt in months, years.

“I feel the same way,” he said, nuzzling Komaeda’s neck and bringing him closer as he encircled his waist “I want—I want us to be happy together.”

Komaeda’s cheeks dusted pink and he smiled. And just like that, their mouths found each other again and they were kissing slow, deep kisses that made the breath leave Hinata’s lungs entirely. A sigh left Komaeda’s lips as he opened his mouth and moved closer, bumping their knees together.

Hinata tried to fight it, but all it took was a simple nudge from Komaeda to push him, back first, onto the futon with him in tow. Their legs were tangled and Hinata felt Komaeda’s warmth all over his body where he had settled himself on top of him, legs pressed against his hips. His hands shook as he held onto his arms, pulling him closer without meaning to and it was apparent from the way they clung to each other that they were thinking of the same thing.

Hinata held himself very still as Komaeda broke away from their kiss, moving his lips over his cheeks and going down towards his neck, exploring. He felt the smallest of sensations as Komaeda pressed hesitant kisses there, his hair tickling Hinata’s skin in the process. Komaeda was attentive to each sign of pleasure on Hinata’s face and his lips quirked upwards in some form of satisfaction when Hinata bit his lips, trying to stop himself from making noise.

“You like this,” Komaeda whispered into his ear, fingers skirting over the edges of his clothes and slowly unraveling them “Is it alright if I do more?”

Hinata closed his eyes and exhaled, heady with the sensation of the gentle attention that Komaeda lavished on him. His ears buzzed and it was all he could do to not mumble incoherently in reply, to tell Komaeda that he would accept everything he gave him with open arms.

It was a valiant effort to open his eyes, look at Komaeda and speak.

“You don’t have to ask,” he said, reaching out with his hand to touch Komaeda’s cheek. Komaeda leaned into the touch and pressed a kiss into his palm and then moved lower, grazing his teeth over the underside of Hinata’s wrist. “You know I’ve always—I’ve always wanted to be with you.”

Komaeda shifted a little on top of him, still firmly holding his legs on either side of Hinata’s and moving so that he felt the weight of his body press against his erection. Pleasure shot through Hinata’s body and a low moan escaped his lips as Komaeda settled right there, consciously pressing his weight against him. Hinata’s cheeks burned and he wished he could hide but the look of wonderment on Komaeda’s face made him push away the urge.

“O-Oi, this is embarrassing,” he said, turning away and trying to stifle the smile that was edging its way onto his face “Stop staring, Komaeda.”

“Then what should I do?” Komaeda asked, innocently placing kisses on his sternum and tickling his skin with each touch. Hinata didn’t need to answer for Komaeda to continue lavishing his chest with attention, running his tongue over the skin there and lightly sucking on it. Placing marks that would be visible next morning, he realized dazedly and the thought only made him want to bury his face in the sheets.

“This is fine,” he said, barely getting the words out.

Komaeda responded by pressing a kiss over the shell of his ear and then moving his mouth over his earlobe, biting lightly on it. Hinata’s face prickled with heat at the thought of how at ease Komaeda was, and he clutched at the fabric of his sheets, letting the sparks of pleasure overwhelm his senses until he felt a little like he was floating, feeling Komaeda everywhere. He was overly aware of how close they were and how his breathing was getting shallower by the second.

“Have I ever kissed you here before, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda said, lips hovering above his collarbone.

Hinata swallowed. “You have.”

“And here?” he pressed a kiss on the soft skin of his arm.

Hinata shook his head, unable to respond as the feeling of small undercurrents travelled through the tips of his fingers.

Komaeda moved lower, tracing his finger gently over his stomach, up and down and then placing a few kisses there. “How about here?”

“…Yes.” He remembered a time when they had been lying on the floor in Hinata and Souda’s room. The hot summer heat and Komaeda’s hands tentatively exploring all the places he could kiss before his roommate came back. The thought made him smile now—he couldn’t imagine the amount of self control he must have exercised back then.

“How about right here?” Komaeda’s voice was a devilish whisper as his fingers barely grazed the spot where his attention was needed the most. “I can’t seem to recall.”

Hinata’s breath caught in his throat but Komaeda’s hands were already moving to other places instead.

Hinata huffed, cheeks stinging with embarrassment. He felt exposed and vulnerable, but the feeling was oddly satisfying, making him want to experience more, to bare himself to Komaeda and let him have his way with him.

“You know you haven’t.”

Komaeda hummed in response and continued his small journey of exploring Hinata’s body as he lay on the futon. The sound of the rain continued behind them and Hinata closed his eyes for a few seconds, let himself be enveloped in the warmth and the light touches that Komaeda placed on his body, slowly moving lower and lower down his chest and then stopping entirely.

Hinata opened his eyes, suddenly feeling cold. He wasn’t sure when it had happened, but the front of his yukata had been opened entirely, leaving his chest and legs entirely exposed. Komaeda’s palm rested on his stomach, right above his navel and the odd look on his face made him pause. Any feelings of embarrassment he had over being nearly naked vanished and he pushed himself up onto his elbows.

“What’s wrong…?” he asked softly, voice wavering a little.

Komaeda shook his head and traced a finger over his stomach, unusually gentle and reverent. “Is this a scar, Hinata-kun?” he almost whispered it “When did you get this?”

Hinata had a feeling Komaeda already knew, even without him saying anything.

“It’s not that old,” he said, trying to keep his voice light “I thought you would have already seen it before.”

“No, I can barely see it even now,” he said, eyes still focusing on the small patch of skin that was different from the rest “I can feel it, though. Did you get this when—?”

He nodded. “It’s alright now,” he laughed, catching Komaeda’s fingers with his own and stopping the movement of his hand “It’s ugly to look at, isn’t it?”

Hinata felt a little self conscious as he said it, but Komaeda was quick to shake his head.

“It’s not ugly at all,” Komaeda sounded sad as he spoke “But—I wish you didn’t have to carry all these reminders of what happened with you. It must be a burden.”

“I don’t think about it anymore, Komaeda,” Hinata said, “You don’t have to worry about it.”

“It makes me sad knowing you had to face all of that on your own,” Hinata could have sworn he saw Komaeda’s eyes shining with tears “I wish I hadn’t left you. You know that, right?”

Hinata grabbed Komaeda’s face and frowned. “No more thinking about the past. You’re with me right now, aren’t you?”

Komaeda tried to smile. “I am.”

“We’re back where we were meant to be.”

Komaeda smiled—still hesitant as he held his hand— and let himself close the distance between them again, mouths finding each other and kissing the way they hadn’t allowed themselves to, before. It was almost chaste, the way they kissed, close mouthed and fingers intertwined as if it was the first time they were doing this—and Hinata felt that it wouldn’t be a lie to think of it that way. Each kiss always felt like their first, and Hinata couldn’t push back the feelings of wonder over how simple it was to be able to love each other like this.

It was all Hinata had ever wanted, and yet a part of him felt needy, impatient and he could feel the sentiment mirrored in Komaeda’s actions and the way he pressed into him, grinding down on him and eliciting a stifled moan from between his lips. Taking it as encouragement, Komaeda moved again and Hinata felt all semblances of self control leaving him.

He held onto Komaeda’s hips, halting him for a few seconds and broke from the kiss. A soft whine left Komaeda’s mouth as he sought to find his lips again but Hinata was quick to silence him with his own mouth. He kissed him on his neck, nuzzling and pressing wet kisses there that made the breath catch in Komaeda’s throat— warmth settled in the pit of his stomach and Hinata felt needy, wanting to touch Komaeda and wishing to feel his hands all over his body.

He suddenly found his clothes too much of a hindrance and Komaeda pulled at them impatiently, running his hands up and down his arms and hooking his fingers in the fabric of his sleeves.

“You’ll get them dirty like this,” Komaeda said breathlessly and the thought of what it meant sent a shiver running through his body. “You should take them off.”

He was suddenly all too aware of the strain in his underwear and how badly he just wanted to be rid of it all. How badly he wanted to be touched.

Hinata got onto his elbows and motioned for Komaeda to move to the side so that he could shuck his clothes off. He was quick to act, pulling away the clothes from under his body and resting his hands on Hinata’s hips, fingers skirting over the edge of his underwear.

“This too,” Komaeda wasn’t looking at him, but it was evident that his cheeks were flushed crimson. Hinata felt the heat rise to his own face too but he tried to push back his nervousness.

He canted his hips and placed his hands on Komaeda’s, letting him pull them down slowly until they were down to his knees. Hinata felt Komaeda’s eyes on him and it was all he could do to not run away immediately, but then Komaeda was smiling again and all his worries vanished.

Hinata lowered his head, resting his forehead in the crook of Komaeda’s neck and trying to calm his breathing. Komaeda’s hands hesitantly traced patterns on his thigh, skirting closer and closer towards the inner side of his leg. Each touch sent small currents flowing through Hinata’s body and he felt as if he would catch fire just from this, held between Komaeda’s hands and feeling every second pass painfully slow as he touched him.

“It’s unfair,” Hinata managed to say “I want to touch you too.”

Komaeda giggled softly and Hinata felt a little as if he was dreaming, skirting on the edge of waking and sleeping. “You won’t let me have my way with you just like this?”

Hinata wanted to say that he would have, but it felt unfair to be on the receiving end of Komaeda’s love without giving anything in return. He wanted to give back to him too and he wished Komaeda would realize that.

“We can both have our way with each other,” he said, hooking his fingers in the band of Komaeda’s underwear to make it clear “If that’s what you want.”

“You’re awfully eager,” despite his teasing, he still let Hinata do as he wanted, lifting his hips so that he could pull it down his legs and then off him entirely. His breath hitched and Hinata heard the soft exhales between them as they both regarded the other with the wonder of seeing this for the first time.

All of the times Hinata had ended up imagining Komaeda like this suddenly felt like experiences that didn’t even come close to the reality of seeing him in bed— his pale skin flushed a light pink and his arousal just as apparent as his own.

To think that he could make Komaeda feel this way, full of desire and wanting to be touched, made his thoughts almost hazy and he felt the need to catch his breath. He knew he was staring, but he couldn’t quite look away from Komaeda—his friend, his first love and now a boy that was finally his.

Komaeda made a face “You’re staring,” he said, “Is it really that much of a shock to see me like this? Even though you’re the same way.”

“No,” Hinata wanted to laugh as he hesitantly placed his palm on Komaeda’s thigh “I’m just—really happy that I can make you feel like this.”

Komaeda shivered, unthinkingly spreading his thighs wider apart and moving closer. Hinata took the chance to capture his lips with his own. His hands explored Komaeda’s body, caressing the tender skin of his leg with his fingers. He felt like he was etching secret messages on his skin, all his feelings and thoughts into each touch. Komaeda’s lips parted, letting out soft gasps as he carded his fingers through Hinata’s hair, losing any rhythm he had and just mindlessly touching him.

He took the opportunity to really touch Komaeda, the way he hadn’t ever allowed himself to before. His hands slowly traced their way over his shoulders and down his arms, reveling in the touch of his skin under his fingertips and the skittering pulse of his heart thrumming underneath. Komaeda was warm against him, whispering sweet nothings in his ear and letting Hinata do what he’d so painfully yearned for. Each sigh of pleasure that left his lips only made Hinata feel bolder and his heart hammered in his chest, ready to fly out any second.

Komaeda broke apart from him after a while and pulled at his hair, making him stop just long enough to quirk an eyebrow.

“What?” Hinata asked, “Don’t you like this?”

“I—I like it,” Komaeda swallowed, cheeks burning red “I like the feeling of your hands.”

Hinata didn’t understand what he was protesting about, then. He didn’t pause, only let his hands curiously wander “Then it’s alright, isn’t it?”

“I think we should lie down,” he sounded dazed “It’s more comfortable that way. And—” he coughed “I want us both to feel it.”

“Is that how you’d like it?”

“Don’t make it sound like it’s something dirty,” Komaeda pouted “Isn’t it easier that way?”

Hinata laughed, feeling all his nervousness fading away. They were both crossing this bridge together and it didn’t matter what happened from here on as long as it was what they both wanted.

“Alright,” he said, looping an arm around Komaeda’s neck and pulling him closer. For a few seconds their lengths brushed against each other and he felt sparks of pleasure curl low in his stomach. Both of them let out soft sighs, unable to stop themselves from reacting to the sensation of being touched like this.

Komaeda was the first one to pull him down to the pillow until they were lying side by side, legs tangled as they faced each other. He was smiling, gentle and serene like he was always used to, and it made Hinata’s throat feel tight to think of how much they’d missed each other. How easily they could have had all of this even back then.

He reached out to place a hand on Komaeda’s chest, running it up and down and stopping right above his heart. Komaeda mirrored the gesture, and for a few seconds they were both quiet save for the sounds of their breathing.

“Have you ever thought about this?” Hinata asked in a small voice, “How we could have had all of this even before?”

“I have,” Komaeda closed his eyes. “The night before I left. I thought about it then.”

Hinata let out a shuddering breath and nodded. Komaeda’s hand slowly inched its way towards his stomach, his navel, and then lower still to stop right over his length. He wasn’t entirely touching him yet but all of Hinata’s senses felt primed to that very spot right under Komaeda’s hand.

Komaeda moved closer, pressed his thigh against Hinata’s and whispered into his ear. “And I’m thinking about it right now.”

“I’m thinking about it too,” Hinata admitted, placing a hand on Komaeda’s waist and pulling him closer until their chests touched. “I’ve always wanted this.”

Komaeda wrapped his fingers around him and stroked him once. “I know.”

Hinata flushed at the sudden stimulus, the feeling of Komaeda’s hand around him and the pleasure he felt as he carefully stroked him, forming a steady rhythm of slow movements. Sparks arose behind his eyelids and, in a desperate attempt to stop himself for being overwhelmed too quickly, he reached out to hold onto Komaeda’s length as well.

He felt him between his hands, hot and so much unlike his own. Hinata suddenly felt like a young teenager on the cusp of puberty, realizing for the first time the pleasures of the body as he touched himself. The same nervousness came over him now as he held Komaeda, unsure of what to do to make him feel as good as he could. He stroked him slowly, clumsily, and tried to gauge the boy’s reactions.

Komaeda, for all his composure so far, reacted far more readily than he would have expected, letting out soft, breathless sighs and allowing his eyes to flutter shut. For a few seconds, his hold on Hinata loosened and Hinata took it as encouragement, letting himself grow surer with his movements as he held him. His body felt so much more different from Komaeda’s, but with each stroke, he felt as if he was learning the secrets to unraveling him, making him come undone with just these touches.

Komaeda moaned, voice growing louder with each stroke and Hinata could feel every change in his movements—from the way his leg muscles trembled, to the way his hips jerked forward in response every time he rubbed his thumb over the tip, his own grip tightening pleasantly over Hinata’s erection.

Hinata called out his name, feeling himself on the verge of mounting pleasure, mouth buried in the crook of Komaeda’s neck and biting lightly on the skin to keep himself for making any more noise. He felt Komaeda do the same, his teeth grazing his skin and leaving small, red bruises on him. They would both leave marks on each other, he thought, and the realization only made him want to leave more—they would be small signs for them to look at later on, come morning.

 He couldn’t stifle the soft noises that escaped his lips and he tried, desperately, to hold onto Komaeda, pressing kisses on his neck and his chest, hands roaming aimlessly over his sides. He slowly moved his hand down the ridge of his spine and then lower still to rest on the smooth curve of his ass.

Komaeda’s hands picked up a steady rhythm and Hinata faltered for a few seconds, almost forgetting everything save for the sensation of Komaeda’s hands on his length, brushing against his own and Komaeda’s lips finding their way towards his mouth. His fingers dug into Komaeda’s skin almost subconsciously, and he made to mumble an apology but Komaeda only smiled against his lips, humming in a quiet sort of joy.

Hinata grazed his teeth against Komaeda’s bottom lip until his lips parted, opening up for Hinata and letting out a breathless moan that was nearly stifled between his lips. Hinata felt the sensation of it travel through his body, soft waves of pleasure rising closer and closer to a crescendo that mirrored his heartbeat.

His movements faltered, and Komaeda took the lead, taking both their lengths in his hand and wrapping Hinata’s fingers over them. Their rhythm was tentative, entirely unpracticed, but Hinata still felt the sensation of it so deeply in his body that he felt as if it was all he could do to not give in to the pleasure already.

Hinata trembled, unable to stop his hips from jerking forward, unsteadily settling into a rhythm of their own. Komaeda sighed, resting his free hand on Hinata’s thigh and drawing circles there. With each stroke, his voice seemed to grow more desperate, developing into soft cries that he tried to stifle by burying his face in Hinata’s chest. His legs were spread apart, baring him entirely to Hinata and allowing him to see him like this in the dim lighting of the room and just that was enough to send Hinata over the edge.

Warmth flooded his body, from the tip of his toes to his fingertips and a groan left his lips as he let the relief overcome him. His other hand was still lightly holding Komaeda’s length and his voice grew labored, as if he was nearing the end too. Komaeda gave a hoarse cry and with a single erratic jerk, he stopped—Hinata felt sticky wetness over his stomach and legs. Komaeda heaved a shuddering sigh and then his hand went limp, all strength leaving his limbs as they lay in bed, letting bliss wash over them.

For a few seconds, all Hinata could feel was the warmth that pleasantly spread through across his body and how his breathing came in quick gasps. It took a while to feel rooted again and finally open his eyes. He turned to his side to look at Komaeda lying next to him, his hands resting lightly over his stomach and a smile on his lips.

Hinata felt the impossibility of it all, to be able to see Komaeda like this, unraveled and smiling blissfully. His hands loosened around him and Komaeda looked up once to smile at him, open and honest. Hinata’s heart thudded loudly in his chest and just the sight of him was enough to make everything perfect and unforgettable.

They stayed like that for a while until Hinata willed himself to break the trance and move, still feeling a little foggy headed as he tried to get up and clean himself.

Komaeda’s hand was on his in a flash.

“Where are you going, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda asked and Hinata noted how breathless he still sounded. His heartbeat picked up again and he smiled at the sight of him in bed, wishing he could stay forever like this— in the warmth of his lover and the rain pouring outside.

“I’m not going anywhere,” he said and made to pick up a piece of discarded clothing from the side “I just wanted to clean up.”

The brief look of worry vanished from Komaeda’s face and was replaced by a flush. “Ah. That’s fine then,”

Hinata’s cheeks burned red as he quickly wiped himself down with his shirt and tossed another to Komaeda. They both cleaned themselves in silence and Hinata’s mind worked quietly, trying and failing to keep away the sense of embarrassment that overwhelmed him.

It had been fine when they’d been caught in the moment but now, in the quiet calm that filled the room, it was hard not to think of what had transpired and how much everything had changed with it.

Komaeda lay back down on the soft cushioning, heaving a satisfied sigh as he did and it made Hinata smile. A little of his anxiety washed away knowing that Komaeda didn’t look half as uncomfortable as he did and when their eyes met, he motioned for him to lie down next to him.

It was cramped and their arms and legs touched everywhere and Hinata could feel Komaeda’s pleasant warmth against him. He closed his eyes and turned to face him. His hands came to card slowly through Hinata’s hair, almost like he was lulling him to sleep and Hinata let his arms tentatively wrap around Komaeda’s waist.

 They remained quiet for a while, just basking in each other’s presence as Hinata thought of how much he wished this to be something that would be a part of his life from now on.  It was startling how easily he could imagine such a future and he wondered if Komaeda felt the same in the intimate silence where only the two of them existed.

When Hinata opened his eyes, he found Komaeda looking at him so tenderly that it made his heart skip a beat. He quashed the urge to look away and met his gaze, staring into his beautiful grey eyes and smiling shyly.

“Sorry about your clothes,” Komaeda said, grinning sheepishly.

Hinata groaned and buried his face in Komaeda’s chest. “Can we please not talk about that?” He could feel the tips of his ears burning and he hoped Komaeda would let it go.

Komaeda giggled, hesitant at first until Hinata looked up and glared at him. That only seemed to make the situation funnier to Komaeda somehow and he broke into a laugh, hands shaking where they’d been holding onto Hinata.

Hinata couldn’t help it, listening to him laugh somehow eased the tension in his nerves and he laughed too, giggling until both of them were out of breath again and he felt tears in the back of his eyes. Unbridled happiness swelled in his chest.

“I’m sure you’re wondering if I had this in mind when I came here,” Komaeda said after a while when their laughter had finally died out.

Hinata shrugged. “I haven’t thought about it in so much detail,” he said “I hope you don’t regret any of it.”

At this, Komaeda laughed again, softer this time. “Hinata-kun, there was only thing in my mind when I ran here, you know.”

There was something of a pause in Komaeda’s voice that made Hinata want to know what he was thinking about. He pulled him closer and nodded to let him know he was listening. His heartbeat was loud in his ears.

“I wanted to tell you how much I like you, Hinata-kun. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to tell you.”

Hinata smiled, feeling warmth all over his body. “I like you too, Komaeda,” he said, letting his voice crack as he spoke. “I really, really, _really_ like you.”

Komaeda pressed his mouth close to his ear, pushing back the hair above his temple as he did. “I think there’s another way to say it,”

“…Is there?”

“I love you, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda was looking at him again, eyes sparkling with something fragile that made Hinata’s chest swell in unprecedented joy.

“That’s not just a suggestion, is it?” He asked, just to be sure. He knew the answer but he wanted to ask anyway just so he could see more of the bashful smile that graced Komaeda’s lips. He could imagine seeing more of it now, each and every day that graced their lives.

“It’s not,” he said, voice soft and vulnerable “You know it isn’t.”

Hinata smiled, pulling his lover close so that their lips brushed.

“Took you long enough.”

                                                                    

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The time stamp might say I published this on 31 December but it's already the new year here so HAH! HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEAR SUN CHILD! AND HAPPY NEW YEAR'S TO ALL OF YOU FROM MY END OF THE GLOBE!!
> 
> urgh this chapter took me quite a while to write and i've had it in the backburner for months? it's...honestly my first (and probably last :@) time writing anything as nasty as this and it's really embarrassing publishing it. It's funny that it's also the longest chapter i've ever written for this fic? clearly i have my priorities straight. I'm not really sure i did a good job because ive read this over and over again AND I FEEL NOTHING!! I FEEL NOTHING BUT MY SINS CREEPING UP ON ME _(:3 」∠)_
> 
> Still, I really hope some of you might have liked this at least...the children have grown up finally (32 chapters into the story and lots of pain and suffering later ) this was hell to write but I hope it was worth it! thank you for reading, I've been truly blessed to have such nice readers like you guys!! Just one more chapter and we can call it a wraps! ^O^ 
> 
> HAVE A GREAT YEAR AND LOTS OF GOOD VIBES FROM ME TO YOU!!!! LET'S ALL BE HAPPY AND MAKE A GOOD FUTURE FOR OURSELVES!!! IT'S BEEN AN EHH YEAR FOR ME BUT I HOPE THE NEXT ONE CAN BE AMAZING!! SO MANY THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO AAAH


	33. The Bridge of Stars

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Over the wide sea  
> Towards its many distant isles  
> My ship sets sail.  
> Will the fishing boats thronged here  
> Proclaim my journey to the world?  
> -Ono no Takamura

_27th July 1925_

The first thing Hinata felt when he opened his eyes was the brush of soft lips against his cheek. He cracked his eyes open, and his hand shot up, aimlessly grabbing the first thing it felt. Komaeda's shoulder.

"Did I wake you up?" came the gentle voice from right next to him. Hinata's heartbeat settled into a more peaceful rhythm when he realized where he was—and what was happening—and he allowed himself to smile a little.

He squinted and looked at Komaeda, noting how his hair was all over the place and how his cheeks still seemed flushed red. He was warm, glowing, and it made Hinata want to pull him close.

He realized he didn't have to push back the urge anymore, so he grinned and did just that.

Komaeda landed on him with a sound of surprise, settling into a more comfortable position and wrapping his legs around Hinata's. The bare brush of his slender legs still felt startling, but he relaxed into the touch, thinking of how simple it was just to bask in each other's warmth and not have to worry about anything else.

"Don't want to get up?" Komaeda asked the hint of a laugh still in his voice.

"Not at all," Hinata grumbled, idly smoothing his fingers over the small of Komaeda's back, fingers pinching the waistband of his underwear and teasing him. "I'm still tired."

"Oh!" was all Komaeda could manage to say. He seemed to be struggling not to shiver under Hinata's touch.

"But we'll have to get up soon, won't we?" he asked reluctantly, stopping his hand and sighing deeply. "Your mother must be worried."

He felt Komaeda shrug as he made to get up. Hinata tried not to stare at the small marks littered all over his chest and legs. "I'm sure she knows I'm safe with you. But I still need to go back."

Hinata protested, holding his wrist to keep him in bed for a little while longer. He felt like a needy child, wishing to keep him to himself. "Can I come with you, then?"

Komaeda flushed, suddenly looking away. "If you want to, then of course."

"I have a feeling I need to get your mother's blessings," Hinata coughed, willing away the warmth in his cheeks "Even if it's just as your best friend."

Komaeda laughed. "Really, Hinata-kun, you're asking me this right now?" he was grinning slyly now "After you've had me twice?"

Brief flashes of warmth and hands worshipping his body passed through his mind. Komaeda tracing a path down his chest, his fingers curling with Hinata's own. The heat of Komaeda's mouth between his legs and the shallow breaths that ghosted across his skin. The slower, more tender touches and the wild ones, kisses, and caresses marking each one until the two of them could only cling to each other and call the other's name. There were marks on their bodies now, signs of their careful exploration, and Hinata felt a pleasant shiver down his spine at the sight of them.

Hinata flushed, painfully aware of how quickly he would rouse again if he didn't do something to calm down.

"O-Oi! Stop talking about that!"

Komaeda grinned, clearly seeing right through him. "Is it really that embarrassing?"

"It's—it's not. Let me get used to it first, at least."

Komaeda's grin could barely be contained. "I think you'll be getting used to this just fine," he leaned towards him, voice low and teasing "Believe me."

\---

By the time the two of them actually managed to leave the house, the sun was already at its peak. Komaeda's mother was sitting in the living room, a bundle of flowers set on the table in front of her.

"I hope you're well, mother," Komaeda said as he sat next to her "I was worried about you."

"Of course you were," she answered in reply, a playful laugh in her voice "I'm sure Hinata-kun's been good company?"

Hinata was amazed that Komaeda managed not to flush under her gaze. He found it hard to do the same so he looked down at his hands and pretended he couldn't hear what she was saying.

"I talked to Hinata-kun," Komaeda said in a soft voice "I hope it's fine that I'm going back to Tokyo."

"I think it's wonderful, my dear. Your father would be proud of you."

"Would he?"

"Of course! He's on his way here, actually. He won't be long now."

"Oh! That's good to hear." Hinata said, casting a cautious glance towards Komaeda. "Have you talked to him, Komaeda?"

"I have. We've sort of made up, you know." Komaeda smiled shyly at him when their eyes met and Hinata felt a burst of warmth in his chest. He itched to hold Komaeda's hand but he kept his fingers resting on his lap.

He smiled. "Things are finally getting better for you, aren't they?"

"It's all I've ever wished for," said Komaeda's mother. Her eyes were sparkling as she regarded her son, smiling blissfully at the two of them. It must have been a relief for her to see her son like this after so long. "I hope you can always smile like this."

"I'll make sure he always does," Hinata said, in a sudden burst of emotion and immediately flushed when he realized what he'd just said. It sounded like the promise of a lifetime, but not one that he planned on ever going back on.

"Do you promise me that, Hajime-kun?" his mother asked, eyes serious.

Hinata nodded slowly, pushing back his embarrassment and wishing Komaeda wasn't looking at him the way he was. Eyes bright and full of adoration. "Komaeda-kun is far more important to me than you can imagine, Ritsuko-san."

She laughed at that. "Oh I think I can guess it's the same for Nagito as well," 

"I wish you'd stop embarrassing me, mother," Komaeda huffed, trying desperately to hide the amused smile on his lips. "I don't think you have to worry about either of us now."

"Just focus on getting healthier, Ritsuko-san."

"I suppose I should," she sniffed "Your father is going to have a hard time taking care of me until then."

"You could think of it as sweet revenge for all the times he wasn't there," Komaeda grinned.

Hinata would have thought the mischievous spark in her eyes was a trick of a light if he hadn't gotten to know her as well as he had in the time they'd spent together.

"Ah Nagito, you read my mind!"

\---

_12 th August 1925_

The two weeks that Komaeda and Hinata spent in Nikko—the weeks before leaving for Tokyo— were spent leisurely wasting time and just enjoying each other's presence. Komaeda's parents seemed to be having a good time of their own so the two of them were mostly left to their own business which suited the two of them just fine.

Sometimes Hinata couldn't even begin to understand how he'd gotten so lucky—how he could finally be with Komaeda and let him know everything he'd always felt for him. It was like a dream and Hinata just silently wished that for once it would last longer than just a few weeks or months.

When it was time for both of them to leave, Hinata couldn't deny that he'd felt unbearably sad. Nikko had become a place that almost felt like home to him and the idyllic peace of the city had done so much to help him get better. Perhaps, if he hadn't come here, he would still have been the same Hinata he'd been before, hopelessly wasting away the days of his life without any desire to actually live.

"Nervous?" Komaeda asked, gently nudging him with the back of his hand. He let his fingers curl with Hinata's for the briefest of moments before letting go.

Hinata shrugged, hefting his suitcase over luggage support of the taxi. "I just don't want to leave Nikko, that's all."

Komaeda laughed. "It's funny that I feel the same now, even though I was so sick and tired of this place until a while ago."

"You're just scared to go back to school, aren't you?" Hinata laughed.

"That's a rude thing to say, Hajime-kun," Komaeda said, "Are you sure you're supposed to be making fun of me for that?"

"I'm just joking because I feel the same way," Hinata said as he got in the car. He offered a hand to Komaeda and pulled him in. The driver started the car and it spluttered to life, wheels rolling away slowly and taking them away from the place they'd learned to call home.

They spent most of the time in silence, hands quietly held and eyes directed outwards, to the winding road and the mountains that they were leaving behind. They talked a bit, but it was plain to both of them that there wasn't really much to talk about until they got to Tokyo, and so they sat, patiently waiting.

When they reached Tokyo, the driver dropped them off in front of the guest house where Hinata had lived before. He had already called Usami to arrange for their room beforehand so there was no rush to find a place close to Kibougamine. Komaeda looked a little torn as he grabbed his bag and pulled it down from the car, his face composed but almost expressionless. He was definitely worried, but Hinata didn't know what to say to him.

In a desperate attempt to do something, he put a comforting hand behind his back and urged him forward. The sun was barely out in all its intensity yet, since they'd departed right after sunrise, and the gentle light made the inn look almost welcoming for once. Hinata couldn't remember ever looking at the dilapidated old building with leaking ceilings with such thrill before but he supposed it had something to do with the fact that he wasn't alone anymore.

"You know, Nagito," Hinata said in a conversational manner "The inn actually looks a lot better than I remembered it to be."

Komaeda raised an eyebrow, clearly not agreeing with him. He figured that was natural for anyone who was seeing this place for the first time. "Is that so?" Komaeda said, "I wonder what made you change your mind about it."

Hinata grinned. "I wonder," his eyes never met Komaeda's but he was sure the other boy was looking at him as they walked towards the building. "Maybe it's because you're here?"

Komaeda leaned towards him and playfully shoved his arm. "I didn't know my presence had such a great impact," he said, "I should have gotten a room here earlier."

Hinata heaved a dramatic sigh. "You should have."

Komaeda hummed in reply, knowing there was no way he could have been here before now. They walked inside the small arched gate and into the building and Hinata was surprised to note how full it looked now. Young men milled in and out of the rooms on the ground floor and the lobby, some casually greeting one another and others moving by without a single word.

"Business has improved I'm guessing," Hinata said as he waved over to Usami, who sat at the reception, hair perfectly maintained in her bun for once. "How have you been Usami?"

"I'm doing well, Hinata-kun," she smiled, nodding once in acknowledgment to Komaeda "And it looks like you are too!"

Hinata nodded, his own lips curling into a smile as well. "I am," he said, "Nikko was a good place to relax."

"Hinata-kun has been resting up quite well," Komaeda said.

Hinata smiled uncomfortably. "I don't really feel that well rested right now, though."

"The ride back home has been tiring, right?"

"A little," Hinata admitted, thinking of the odd pain in his shoulder and back from sitting in that awful taxi for so long.

Usami nodded quickly and looked, in her box, for the keys to their room. She picked out a pair and handed them over to Hinata. "I won't keep you waiting then. Rest up, dears."

"We will," both of them said and unison and headed towards the room that Hinata had lived in before as well.

The stairs creaked and groaned due to their collective weight and Hinata wondered what it would be like if the wood cracked under them, but they made it to the room in one piece and Hinata dispelled the thought from his mind entirely.

Komaeda stared at the door, a little in awe as Hinata fished out the keys from his pocket and worked on unlocking it. The door slid open without much resistance and they slipped inside, careful to take their sandals off before setting foot on the neatly laid tatami.

"I'm home," Hinata said, to no one in particular. Komaeda repeated his words as he set the bag to one side of the wall and looked around the room.

"It's larger than I imagined," Komaeda said, pulling out the sitting cushions from inside the cupboard. "Plenty of space for two people."

"Yeah. It was comfortable to live in so I asked Usami for the same one." Hinata answered, looking fondly at the crack in the wall from where rainwater always slipped in and soaked the mats "I'm already used to this place."

"It's a bit new to me but I'm sure I'll adjust too," Komaeda smiled, walking over to Hinata and pulling him down onto the cushions. Hinata instinctively reached out and looped his arm around Komaeda's waist, letting him rest his head on his shoulder. "It's just—odd, being back here after so long."

"I happen to think it's amusing," Hinata said in a soft voice "We're roommates now."

"Is that all we are, Hajime-kun?" he asked, laughing lightly, "I think our living arrangements are a little less innocent in that sense."

"Hey, we're still living in the same room, you know!" he protested, ignoring the warmth he felt on his cheeks "That makes us roommates."

"Of course," Komaeda said, pressing a kiss to Hinata's shoulder "Let's get along, alright?"

"I don't think you need to ask me that," said Hinata, placing a finger under Komaeda's chin and turning to face him. "We're getting along just fine so far."

Komaeda's eyes twinkled as he looped an arm around Hinata's neck and brought him closer still "And you promise me it'll be the same even in the future?" his voice was barely a whisper "I might not be who you think I am, Hinata-kun. For all we know, you might want me kicked out of this room in the next few months."

"Ah? I think I've gotten to know you quite well," Hinata said, lips brushing his lover for the fraction of a second. His heart soared with the knowledge that he could say all of this with surety, now. "I don't think I could ever come to dislike any part of you."

"Can I really hope to believe that?" there was just the slightest hint of vulnerability in his voice and Hinata knew being here must have brought with it all the memories he'd chosen to leave behind.

"You already do," Hinata sighed, resting his forehead against Komaeda's neck "And I'll always be here to remind you of that."

In answer, Komaeda wordlessly pulled Hinata down and brought their lips to meet, slow and sweet like they had all the time in the world. Hinata let himself entertain such fancies, pulling his lover close and running his fingers through his hair and feeling Komaeda's gentle fingers holding his face.

The sudden sliding open of the door was enough to break them apart and Hinata tried, in vain, to seem collected enough to pass off as innocent but one look at his face would have been sufficient to give them both away. Komaeda didn't look much better—his hair was a ruffled mess and somewhere along the line, part of his obi had loosened though he couldn't remember doing anything like that—but his expression was surprisingly calm.

"Matsuda?" Hinata screeched, looking at the intruder with an almost hurt expression "What're you doing here?"

Matsuda looked at him and then at Komaeda and rolled his eyes. "The least you can do is locking your door if you're planning on doing stuff like that."

"I don't remember you ever doing anything like that when you were with Enoshima-san," Komaeda said, surprisingly teasing. Hinata's face burned.

Matsuda narrowed his eyes and continued to stand where he was, at the foot of the door.

"What brought you here?" Hinata asked, trying to change the topic as he smoothed down his hair and willed his red cheeks to turn slightly less incriminating. "I didn't think you knew I was coming back."

Matsuda shrugged. "I didn't. Usami told me when I came back from work."

"Ah? I didn't know you were that eager to meet us, Matsuda-kun," Komaeda said, not letting go of his hold on Hinata's waist. Hinata had a feeling Komaeda was putting on a show, just to tease Matsuda—his mouth hovered close to Hinata's ear and his voice was light. "I didn't know you cared so much about us."

"I wish I did. I'm just here to give you these," he said, waving a box of sweets towards them.

Hinata shook his head. "We're fine, really! You didn't have to do this for us."

"She pays me for this. That's the only reason I'm doing this," Matsuda stepped inside without an invitation, put the box on the table resting in the middle of the room, and stepped back out, one foot in and one foot out. "See you."

"A-ah, see you," Hinata waved awkwardly, not sure if he should get up. Judging from the way Komaeda's grip on his shoulder tightened, he thought it was best to stay put for now.

"Feel free to visit, Matsuda-kun," Komaeda called out just as he was about to leave "The door's always open if you want to have a peek."

Hinata spluttered, not sure what Komaeda had meant, and Matusda—for all his seeming composure in all the times they'd met so far—turned just a shade darker as he stormed out of the room, sliding the door closed with enough force to make them both jump a little.

\---

_21 st August 1925_

Hinata hadn't expected to meet Koizumi as soon as he reached Tokyo but here he was, standing in front of her door, waiting to be let in. His nose was runny and he suspected it would have gotten better in a day or so but Komaeda's incessant nagging had been enough to send him running to Koizumi as if his life was in great danger. He supposed it was touching that Komaeda cared so much, but it was still a hassle to walk all the way through the streets to her clinic.

"Hinata-kun?" Koizumi's eyes widened as she opened the door and instinctively moved back to make way for him. Hinata sniffed once and entered, taking care to slip off his shoes near the entrance.

"Hello, Koizumi," he said, voice just a little thick "Komaeda sent me to meet you."

"You're sick." She was smiling just the slightest and she pulled him in by the hand, towards the living room where she always made him sit.

"I'm fine, really. I just wanted to meet you."

Koizumi flushed a pretty shade of pink and Hinata smiled at the familiarity of that expression. "Is that so? I wish you'd visit when you're not sick too, Hinata-kun."

Hinata dismissively waved a hand at her. "How have you been? It's been a while since we've talked."

"Everything's been going well so far," she said, looking at her hands "I made a new friend the other day and I promised I'd go see one of her dances soon."

"Oh? Is she good?"

"She's beautiful," she sighed, and Hinata wondered what the look in her eyes meant when she turned to look at him "You should see her too. Ask Komaeda-kun to take you."

"Do you think he'd want to?" Hinata asked, feeling a little shy all of a sudden.

Koizumi shrugged. "I believe he's the type to like those sorts of things, no?" she said, "From what you've told me about him."

"Ah, I guess you're right. We haven't gone out a lot, lately."

"You've been busy, haven't you? I'm glad Komaeda-kun came back with you," she said, a knowing smile on her lips "You look happier."

Hinata smiled, feeling his chest warm at the thought. Koizumi had always been so observant, and the gentle care she always showed him in these manners never failed to make him feel incredibly loved.

"I am," he said "Thank you so much for always caring for me, Koizumi."

Koizumi smacked Hinata's arm and Hinata was surprised to feel the force of it. Her cheeks colored red and he grinned, playfully nudging her arm. She let out an indignant huff.

"Really, Hinata-kun, if I knew sending you to Nikko would have been the solution to this mess, I would have personally dragged you there myself."

"Well you're the reason I ended up talking to him so it's more or less the same, isn't it?"

She laughed. "You give me far too much credit, but thank you."

Hinata laughed too, and then promptly sneezed. Koizumi got up from the cushion she'd been sitting on and gestured for him to remain seated.

"Wait here for a while. I have some things for you," was all she said as he left the room.

Hinata watched her, a little curious as she went about the house in search of something. The shuffle of her feet could be heard in the living room and he wondered what she was doing.

"Koizumi?" he called out "What're you doing?"

She reappeared a moment later, carrying a heavy object that looked like a camera and a small cotton pouch which he suspected contained the medicine for his runny nose. She handed the pouch to Hinata and sat down on the seat a few feet away from him.

"Just a few gifts for you and Komaeda-kun," she said, eyes curiously trained on the floor and her cheeks aflame again. "You're not allowed to open them until you get home."

"I-I see," Hinata said, not sure what to make of it all. He put the items to his side and nodded. "Thank you, Koizumi."

"Do you mind if I take a photograph of you?" she asked, voice much louder than it normally was. Hinata noticed the large black box she'd set in one corner of the room where it always remained unused.

"A-Ah!" he said, cheeks heating up. Of all the people to ask—and Hinata remembered the collection of hundreds of photographs she'd displayed on the wall, all of the people smiling—he wasn't sure why she'd asked him. "Of course!"

Koizumi grinned and positioned herself behind the box, moving it just the slightest so it faced the light streaming in through the window. "Alright then, Hinata-kun," she said "Try smiling a little."

Hinata did, feeling his cheeks stretch awkwardly as he did. He hadn't thought smiling for a camera could be this hard but it evidently was, and he remembered all the times he'd forced himself to keep a face that would make him look happier.

When Koizumi showed him the photograph a while later, Hinata could only wonder if this is how the world saw him—a young man in his twenties, smiling like he’d never forgotten how to.

\---

_26 th August 1925_

The sun bore down on Matsuda and sweat clung to his clothes and trousers, making his already labored breathing come with even more difficulty. Work had dragged on for longer than he would have liked and he dunked his head under the water hose, dousing his hair until they were pleasantly cold.

"I'll be heading back now," Matsuda told his boss and left without waiting for a reply.

"Thank you for your hard work!" the man called out anyway as he made his way out of the construction site.

He was silently thankful that their current project was a lot closer to his apartment than the previous ones. It meant that he would have to see fewer people on the way and when as soon as he'd reach the room, he could fall flat on the futon and go to sleep.

For some reason, the air felt oddly fragrant today and Matsuda couldn't put his finger on what exactly it was about it that made his chest ache with a sense of yearning. He tried not to think about it as he walked at a sluggish pace, but the more he tried to will the thoughts out of his head, the more they nagged at him. Turn around, his mind begged him, turn around.

So he did, eyes scanning the busy marketplace for blonde hair, red nails, and red lips, those blue eyes that tore away at his chest with feelings that he wished he could have ignored when he was younger. There were people all around him, old and young, minding their own business as they were wont to do, and Matsuda ignored all of them as his eyes latched onto the figure of a young woman making her way out of the cloth merchant's shop.

His breath hitched in his throat when those blue eyes met his and she stopped where she was, clutching a handbag towards her chest. The market seemed all too quiet, suddenly, and Matsuda wished time wouldn't have felt like it had as they regarded each other, still standing so impossibly far away.

The woman took a step towards him and all Matsuda wanted to do was close his eyes, open his arms and let her into his embrace. He could already feel the smell of jasmine that would cling to his skin, like tendrils of something intoxicating that made him always want to hold on.

He couldn't even be sure it was the person he was looking for, but something in his heart told him it was the same woman Matsuda had left, the same woman he had been so hopelessly searching for. To think he would find her so close to where he lived without even knowing it.

Matsuda took a step back, and then another and watched a reserved sort of resignation in her eyes. She looked so much different from Junko—her eyes had none of the intensity he remembered, and when she forced herself to smile, all he could see was a sad and lonely young girl who wanted to see the reflection of her lost lover in him.

The person he was looking for was already gone, she silently said, and chasing after her wouldn't change anything. Matsuda's heart clenched tightly in his chest and he wished the weight in the pit of his stomach would loosen its hold on him for just a moment. She was already retreating, lost in the crowds and he watched her petite figure from where he stood, hands clenching and unclenching with the desire to hold.

He shook his head and smiled, just once. And just like that, Matsuda turned his back towards her too and walked out of the market, whistling a lonely little tune that only he knew the words to.

\---

_1 st September 1925_

As the date for the school's reopening grew closer, Hinata began losing sleep again. It didn't come as a shock, for the most part, but the edge of panic that came with it was new. He didn't want to go back to the way things were before—spending night after night wandering the streets of Tokyo in the hopes of getting tired enough to sleep or just lying in bed with weary eyes, hoping his mind would stop working so tirelessly for once.

Komaeda, who hadn't really witnessed any of this save for the hints he got through his phone calls, didn't know how to deal with it. He spent most of his nights awake with Hinata despite his protests, telling him stories of anything that would come to mind. Stories of his childhood, stories of his parents, and sometimes, about the days he'd spent in Nikko waiting for him without really knowing it.

It didn't really help, but it was always a relief to see Hinata smiling as he listened intently to Komaeda as he spoke. Komaeda had an inkling that he was just fond of listening to him talk, more than anything else and the thought always brought a smile to his lips.

The night before the opening ceremony, Komaeda fell asleep a little after midnight, head resting on Hinata's arm and his legs curled within the warmth of their shared futon. Hinata lay at the edge of the bed, eyes focused on the window and the night sky outside, wondering why he hadn't been able to see any stars lately.

He felt the urge to go out and he shifted, trying to get up without disturbing Komaeda but it was a useless effort. As soon as he pried his arm out from under Komaeda's head, he could feel him shifting a little.

Komaeda opened his eyes and blinked at him lazily before getting up as well. 

"You really need to sleep, Hajime-kun," he sighed "You look tired."

Hinata shrugged. "I'm trying."

"Nervous about tomorrow?" he asked, placing a gentle hand on Hinata's shoulder.

"Want to go for a walk?" he asked instead, not yet ready to think about school or anything related to it.

"Not really," Komaeda shook his head and then smiled. "But you're not giving me a choice, are you?"

Hinata thought of that day, exactly two years ago when they had walked out through the streets of Tokyo with so many words unsaid.

He got up and extended a hand towards Komaeda. "You didn't give me one either, last time."

He took it, and Hinata noticed the slight shift of his smile and how he looked just a little guilty again. Hinata immediately felt sorry for having said it. "That was ages ago, you know."

"It feels like that doesn't it?"

They were walking down the street away from the inn, taking in the nighttime view of the city. Hinata glanced around, noting once again how different it looked from how it had been before. Even after all this time, it was a mere shadow of what it used to be—all sparkling lights and massive buildings, trains speeding their way past them even at this time of the night, just before dawn.

"It's been two years, Hajime-kun." Komaeda laughed, "I feel like I've almost forgotten what this place looked like!"

"It feels like much longer, doesn't it?"

Komaeda hummed thoughtfully. "The city is still the same even after everything."

"But it's not, at the same time," Hinata said, pointing ahead to a fountain that sprouted water and sparkled in the faint light of the arc lamp "That wasn't there before."

Komaeda nodded and then gestured towards a shop that sold antiques. Hinata didn't remember it being there before. "Neither was that."

He smiled a little at the thought. So many things had changed without them knowing. Just like them.

"Isn't it funny how we still know it's the same place, in the end?" Hinata said.

"I suppose it's like that for everything. Birth, death, rebirth."

The circle of life, Hinata thought. He wondered if it was something he was glad for—mostly Hinata just felt a faint sense of loss, and he realized he missed the city as it had been. The sight it now— reclaimed after every disaster that had befallen it— was something that ultimately made him hopeful, though.

Without realizing it, Hinata's feet began to take him to the place that was most familiar to him. He hadn't really been aiming for it, but he found himself walking in the general direction of the school, and he saw the knowing look Komaeda gave him. 

"I don't even recognize this place anymore," Komaeda said, "But I have a feeling I know where we're going."

 "I just wanted to see it once, before everything truly starts again." He said, wondering how much of that was true.

Hinata felt the gentle brush of Komaeda's hand against his, a temporary connection that comforted him nevertheless. "If that's what you want, Hajime-kun."

And just like that, both of them fell into a comfortable silence as they walked through the criss-cross maze of streets, making their way towards the looming structure of Kibougamine and the bridge that marked the divide between the city and the school.

"It looks so different, doesn't it?" Hinata said, noting the awed look in Komaeda's eyes.

He looked a little sad and Hinata felt the sentiment mirrored. The bridge, where it had been all wood and lacquered arches, was now an unadorned structure of gray bricks, larger than it used to be, and colder somehow. Hinata imagined what it would have looked like if this bridge had been littered with banners and fliers too, full of words painted by ambitious young students who wouldn't live to see the fruit of their efforts. He closed his eyes and took a deep, calming breath. Komaeda's hand found his and Hinata held it, willing away any memories that wished to taint this moment.

"It was right here, wasn't?" said Komaeda, leaning against the railing and looking ahead "I remember the water. And the trees. The school."

Hinata supposed it was comforting that everything else was the same. He thought of the sky as dawn broke, and the pale light shining on Komaeda's nearly crying face. "I can still remember that day."

"Coming back here…does it remind you of the past?"

"Maybe I'm just a little nervous," he laughed softly "I feel like I'm seventeen all over again."

Komaeda leaned to his side, resting his head on Hinata's shoulder "You were quite confident, Hajime-kun," his eyes were closed as if imagining it all. Reliving the past. "I envied you for it."

"Is that so?"

"I liked you," he said, "I wanted to be like you."

"It was all so simple when I started out here," Hinata said, letting vulnerability creep into his voice "Would you still want to be like me the way I am now?"

"Who says it can't be the same anymore? You're the same person, even now."

"Am I?" The Hinata Hajime of that time only felt like a ghost of the past, now. To go back to the same place where he had existed felt like an almost treasonous thought—he couldn’t be sure if it was the right thing to stand here, leaning against the bridge and looking out to the sea and the night sky beyond.

"You're still Hinata Hajime,” Komaeda said, gentle and understanding as always “Student of the 77th batch of Kibougamine Imperial Academy."

Hinata laughed, and his voice was small. He wished he could feel the same as he had back then—bright eyes and high ambitions.

"The one with big hopes and dreams?" he asked.

Komaeda's grip on his hand tightened. He could feel the smile on his lips without looking at him, and somehow that made everything easier to bear. There was only a soft ache in his chest that he hoped would vanish soon. Give it time, he told himself.

"The one Komaeda Nagito fell in love with," Komaeda said, voice soft "Twice."

"Ah," Hinata smiled, eyes rising toward the heavens and the sparkling Milky Way above them. If he tried hard enough, he could imagine himself reaching out to touch them. Hadn’t the Shinjinkai said the same thing once? The future was in their hands. "That's the one."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IT'S FINALLY DONE! really sorry about the huge delay in this update but i got busy with stuff and then i was just kinda hesitant to post it hahah. i guess it's always hard to put out the final chapter of a story because it all feels so final, in a sense. the only reason i forced myself to update today is because it's my birthday and valentine's day is a few hours away as well so it's an easy date for me to remember it by later on :')  
> this fic has been the death of me tbh? it was the hardest time ive ever had in writing anything and i won't deny that i thought of quitting on more than a few occasions but for some reason or the other i continued writing it and now it's done and i won't deny that i feel really proud that i pulled through all of that haha! but it also really, really has to do with the fact that i had the good fortune of having the kindest readers!! i might not make it clear enough in my replies because im horrible at expressing my feelings with the full spectrum of what i really feel but believe me, all of your comments and kudos truly made this experience worth it! when i'm down i like thinking about them and it really does help me feel a little less horrible  
> thank you so much for reading this, i hope this rather tempestuous journey was worth it! i'm not sure if i'll ever be coming back to write komahina again after this and that's a sad thought but we'll see! for now, this is it and thank you again for everything!   
> Stay blessed and goodbye for now!! ( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ


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